Qwerpline Ep29 - Weed in the Rum Tunnels Transcript

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Transcript for Qwerpline Ep29 - Weed in the Rum Tunnels

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Announcer: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by...

{Graphic: Orcular Jentacular Spectacular}

Announcer:...the Orcular Jentacular Spectacular. When you have no idea what to make for breakfast try consulting the Orcular Jentacular Spectacular: because food is susten-tak-ular.

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Big G-Money: Good morning Nsberg, welcome to QWERPline. It's your boy G-Money here with A-Train. How's it going Alex?

A-Train: A little to the left.

G-Money: Great to hear, so am I. I hope everyone else is feeling equally comfortable out there in beautiful Nsberg: Three free months of Netflix.

{Graphic: Town slogan}

A-Train: With...with purchase?

G-Money: Sure.

A-Train: How do I redeem.

G-Money: You'll have to take that up with the Tourism Board I think.

A-Train: Hard pass

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G-Money: Well as you are doubtless aware listeners at home, it is day four of the explosive Burpwinter trial. As you know local historian Bertha Burpwinter...

{Graphic: Mugshot of Bertha}

G-Money: ...is alleged to have been using a citywide criminal network to grow what authorities have described as "comically vast" amounts of marijuana in the ideal growing conditions of Nsberg's historic cellars.

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G-Money: Following her arrest months ago, and exclusively broadcast on QWRP for the record, the case is finally going to trial and we're very excited for today: the cross examination of the defendant herself. We now go live to summer intern Derek on location at Nsberg courthouse.

{Graphic: Nsberg Courthouse}

{Caption: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Derek}

Derek: Hi Graham, hi Alex. I've been camping out at the courthouse for four days and in my expert legal opinion, she's guilty. Can I go home now?

A-Train: You're supposed to go home every night Derek.

Derek: Oh thank goodness. The vending machine's just ran out of Jos Louis and I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't get another one.

G-Money: Can you describe the atmosphere in the courtroom today Derek?

Derek: It's your standard nitrogen-oxygen mix with slightly higher levels of carbon dioxide due all the talking.

G-Money: Okay.

Derek: I'm sorry guys everybody here has been really precise, it's just starting to rub off on me.

G-Money: It-it's okay. Has the day's proceedings begun yet?

Derek: Oh, the judge is coming in right now.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bailiff}

Bailiff: Ladies and gentlemen please rise for the Honorable Judge Parker-Waffle.

{Caption removed}

Derek: The judge is resplendent in her black silk robes. So stoic and intimidating.

{Caption: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Cecily Parker-Waffle – Local Judge}

Judge Parker-Waffle: Ah. You may be seated.

Derek: Oh Bertha better watch out today, Judge Parker-Waffle seems like she's in a bad mood and I've heard the lawyers gossiping that she's a real hard-ass.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Cecily Parker-Waffle – Real Hardass}

Parker-Waffle: Is the representative for the prosecution here?

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Korb Fortress Esq. – Local Lawyer}

Korb Fortress Esq: Korb Fortress Esq., representing the prosecution your honor.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Cecily Parker-Waffle – Local Hardass}

Parker-Waffle: Thank you. And unless my eyes deceive me I do not see the representative for the defense. Is Carlene Cable here?

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha Burpwinter: I fired that state-appointed lamp-ray. She was a hack.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Cecily Parker-Waffle – Local Judge}

Parker-Waffle: Miss Burpwinter, you do realize that a trial cannot proceed without some sort of defense. Are you prepared to defend yourself? Or do we need to pause proceedings so you can find another attorney to represent your case?

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: I'll handle this myself. You don't scare me, you big puffed up suit.

{Caption removed}

Derek: Oh wow guys! This is a major shot Bertha fired her lawyer! I heard that if you lose the case then you go to super jail! They call it double jeopardy

G-Money: Derek, how is he you've been there for four days and still knows so little about the legal system?

Derek: Everything I learned was from Corpus Corgi, the Legal Dog. They cancelled the crossover Spider-Man by the fifth issue and I never get to see the ending.

{Caption: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Cecily Parker-Waffle – Local Judge}

Parker-Waffle: Order. Order in the court. I need order in the court. Miss Burpwinter, I just need to make it clear to you how unusual this circumstance in. But as you have passed the psych evaluation you are free to represent yourself as you see fit. Please take the stand so we can resume your cross-examination.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: What are you punks looking at? Take a photo, it'll last longer.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bailiff}

Bailiff: Bertha Burpwinter, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: You Fu-honk-ing a-right. I'm gonna drop some bombs up in this courtroom.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bailiff}

Bailiff: I'll take that as a yes.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Cecily Parker-Waffle – Local Judge}

Parker-Waffle: Mister Fortress, you may approach the stand.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: Bring it on Korby. I've pushed through harder blockages in you this morning.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Korb Fortress Esq. – Local Lawyer}

Korb:' May it please the court I have put away more dirtbags than you've had hot meals. Miss Burpwinter, we've already heard testimony from Nsberg's finest, in the form of Officer Steve, that there is an extensive grow operation centered amongst Nsberg's historic cellars. You being the only person with prime and exclusive access to said cellars makes you the principal suspect of this investigation. Do you deny that you have been using Nsberg's historic cellars as I grow-op for marijuana?

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: You're damn right I deny it. I've been using Nsberg historic cellars to create hash oil. Ain't no market for flour in this day and age.

{Captionchange: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Korb Fortress Esq. – Local Lawyer}

Korb:' I am unsure of what that means but it is clearly narcotic stock. I would like to move for a verdict of guilty, your honor.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Cecily Parker-Waffle – Local Judge}

Parker-Waffle: Woah woah woah. Simmer down now Korb, we have due process for our reason. Miss Burpwinter, you do realize that when you say incriminating things on the stand they can and will be used against you in a court of law, like the court we are currently in right now?

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: You mean this sham show you call justice? You're in my house now kitty.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Korb Fortress Esq. – Local Lawyer}

Korb:' Miss Burpwinter, you do not deny, then, that you have been growing marijuana for the purposes of trafficking?

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: Hold your horses there, you tall drink of ass. I was trafficking it alright, from Nsberg historic cellars straight into my lungs.

{Sound effect: Gasps}

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Korb Fortress Esq. – Local Lawyer}

Korb:' So Miss Burpwinter, you were claiming then that these products were produced exclusively for personal use?

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: Well I'm not a charity.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Korb Fortress Esq. – Local Lawyer}

Korb:' 7.5 metric tons?

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: You know how many lung-buster bong rips it takes to get me low?

{Caption removed}

{Sound effect: Laughing}

{Caption: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Cecily Parker-Waffle – Local Judge}

Parker-Waffle: Order, order in the court. Miss Burpwinter, you are allowed to defend yourself as you see fit but I do caution you that The Hammockslam Defense was found inadmissible as court evidence in the Supreme Court trial.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: Anybody with half a brain cell knows Richter's completely full of sh-honk. I'm real as steel and twice as high.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Korb Fortress Esq. – Local Lawyer}

Korb:' Stenographer, let the record show that once again the defendant has muzzle swept me with her finger guns.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: Your ass is lucky these aren't my real nines or you'd be sitting six feet lower!

{Sound effect: Laughing}

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Cecily Parker-Waffle – Local Judge}

Parker-Waffle: Whoa whoa, order order order. Miss Burpwinter you cannot threaten the prosecuting attorney no matter how punchable he may look.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: I know, right? He's got a nose you just want to sink your knuckles into.

{Caption removed}

Derek: The momentum in the court has clearly turned in Bertha's favour. I'm kind of glad I never got a chance to interview her, she seems gangsta OG hard-ass.

G-Money: Derek! Where'd you learn language like that?

Derek: Day two

{Caption: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: Listen you lightweights may have a hard time believing I need that much skunk but it's true. I'm a threat to everything green in four counties.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Korb Fortress Esq. – Local Lawyer}

Korb:' Miss Burpwinter, your legendary resistance aside, this county limits personal position of marijuana plants to three, not more than seven feet tall.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: That's just it! I didn't possess any of it. I don't own Nsberg's historic cellars.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Korb Fortress Esq. – Local Lawyer}

Korb:' But we've already established that you have exclusive access. Who else could possibly access your stash?

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: Buckle up because I'm going to dump a surprise witness on your ass. The defense calls Sandra Brentmore to the stand.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Cecily Parker-Waffle – Local Judge}

Parker-Waffle: Okay, okay. You know normally you can't actually interrupt your own cross-examination but we're on day four and we're not really making a lot of progress and I kinda just want to see where this goes. I'll allow it.

{Caption removed}

Derek: They're calling Sandra Brentmore to the stand. She's the one who runs Nsbergs Rum Tunnels. She's also the one who banned my dad. {Shouted away from mic} Thanks Miss Brentmore.

{Change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bailiff}

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Sandra Brentmore – Witness}

Sandra Brentmore: Yeah, sure, why not?

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: What up Sandy-B? Give me some skin. These chumps are trying to put me in federal slam saying I owned all that weed. As an expert on the underground can you tell the court who owns Nsberg's historic cellars?

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Sandra Brentmore – Witness}

Sandra: Well I'm not an expert on Nsberg's historic cellars, but I can tell you that the Nsberg Rum Tunnels are owned by the city of Nsberg as part of a historic site. They're open from 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Monday through Fridays. Bring a scarf because it's quite dank down there. Admission is $10, 15 if you want some rum.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: So would you say that Nsberg's historic cellars are part of the Rum Tunnel Network given that they're connected?

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Sandra Brentmore – Witness}

Sandra: That's a difficult question to answer because there's so many entrances to the Rum Tunnels that have opened up over the years. For example, there's various sinkholes all over town, there's the entire operation that Farmer Bumper has going. As an aside to the courtroom, may I say nobody should pay to go down the Corn Corridor. One: it's not very good, two: you will fall into a rum tunnel. There's the Secret Pipesman's bone hole, sluice number four in the East Sump Acres culvert grid, most of Second Avenue, and yes, some of Nsberg historic cellars do connect directly to the rum tunnel network.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: Well there you have it. If you're looking for somebody to arrest for possession, cast your eyes on yourself Nsberg, the whole city's to blame.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Sandra Brentmore – Witness}

Sandra: Oh hold on now. The actual Rum Tunnels themselves do not have any marijuana or hashish in them. There may be a few patches of psychotropic mushrooms, but there's no drugs. Except the mushrooms. And the mold in the rum.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: Look the city owns the Rum Tunnels, the Rum Tunnels are connected to nsburg's historic cellars and Nsberg's historic cellars are connected to the weed, which I don't own. I was only using it to rip fat clouds and get outrageously baked, just as God intended. Y'all suckers ain't got sh-honk on me well.

{Caption removed}

Derek: Wow, court just got dibsy-rolled. You guys should have been here.

G-Money: It's explicitly why we sent to you Derek.

Derek: Well still Korb's on the back foot so let's see what he's got up his sleeve.

{Caption: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Korb Fortress Esq. – Local Lawyer}

Korb:' Well Miss Burpwinter this puts us into a bit of a conundrum. Possession is nine-tenths of the law and therefore you just removed nine-tenths of my case.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: Eat it, pencil-neck.

{Caption changed: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Korb Fortress Esq. – Local Lawyer}

Korb:' Your Honor, I'd like to move for recess.

{Caption removed}

Derek: from a distance Woo hoo, recess.

{Caption: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Cecily Parker-Waffle – Local Judge}

Parker-Waffle: Okay Mr. Fortress, I will give you five minutes to get your case back together. The court is in recess.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: You should give him five minutes to pick up his teeth with broken fingers

{Caption removed}

Derek: Okay guys. Well, I'm gonna go enjoy recess. I'm gonna try to see we can get like a pickup game a football or something together in those five minutes, but back to you in the studio.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

G-Money: Thank You Derek.

A-Train: No footy in the court.

G-Money: While we're waiting to get back to the goings on inside the courtroom, let's take a look outside the courtroom with Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter. How are things looking Richter?

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

Richter Hammockslam: Everyone is still inside, Graham.

G-Money: Sorry, where?

Richter: The courthouse. I've had my eye on this building for at least six hours.

G-Money: Why?

Richter: In case Burpwinter makes a runner.

G-Money: Richter, she's 86 years old, needs a cane and evidently has the worst glaucoma we've ever heard of.

Richter: Be that as it may, there is a white Ford Bronco parked in a handicapped spot outside of the courthouse and I am NOT taking my eyes off it until this trial is over. I want my Emmy.

G-Money: Does it belong to Miss Burpwinter? Is it idling?

Richter: I think it's the janitor's but I don't have enough evidence to say that they're not in cahoots. Nevertheless the minute that thing I am putting a 308 slug straight through the engine block.

G-Money: Richter I need to ask you a question, and I need you to be straight with me. Are you currently, leaning out the door of your helicopter, above the courthouse, with a rifle?

Richter: Graham, with the amount of space in the back of a Bell 222, I have no reason to lean out of the helicopter. Of course now that I say it out load, that sounds absurd. Back to you.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

A-Train: Who sold Richter a gun?!

G-Money: For all we know, he stole it from the gun rack on a pickup truck that was stuck in traffic somewhere near the Chumble Flood Plain.

A-Train: I'm never going outside again.

G-Money: Well lucky for you, that's why we sent Derek down to the courtroom. I think recess should almost be over, let's head back down there. Derek how was recess?

{Graphic: Nsberg Courthouse}

Derek: It was good Graham. I couldn't find anyone to play football so I just traded for a Charizard.

G-Money: Traded what?

Derek: What?

G-Money: No I mean I ... I ... Um ... Court ... house ... C-court. Is court back off recess?

Derek: Oh yeah. Well the judge is back in her seat and they called everyone back to order and Sandra's been dismissed so I guess she goes back to the Rum Tunnels, or wherever it is that she lives, and Korb's taken the floor.

{Caption: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: Ready for round two, limp-dick? Let's go.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Cecily Parker-Waffle – Local Judge}

Parker-Waffle: I do so love these trials. We really, really get to know each other. It's so friendly. Mr. Fortress, you wanted to address the court?

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Korb Fortress Esq. – Local Lawyer}

Korb:' Yes, your honor. We no longer have sufficient evidence to convict Miss Burpwinter of this crime. However a crime has still been committed and therefore it is up to this court to determine who will stand for these crimes.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Cecily Parker-Waffle – Local Judge}

Parker-Waffle: Pardon me for intruding Mr. Fortress, but I actually thought it was the job of the Nsberg PD to put together a case. Are you telling me that we're just gonna start throwing around random suspects?

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Korb Fortress Esq. – Local Lawyer}

Korb:' Your honor, you and I both know Officer Steve and we know that reviewing things isn't exactly his forte. So we have established today that there is one culpable entity in this crime and that is the city of Nsberg. However justice requires a single person to be held accountable. Justice cannot hold the city of Nsberg in whole accountable. However responsibility rests with the one who is in charge of Nsberg.

A-Train: OH NO

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Korb Fortress Esq. – Local Lawyer}

Korb:' And that is the mayor.

{Sound effect: Gasps}

{Caption removed}

A-Train: Oh good. Wait!

Derek: Oh my goodness! Korb Fortress just accused their worship, mayor Steno Paperclips of running a massive marijuana grow up here in nsburg.

{Caption: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: Er, this is weird I didn't think it was going in this direction but I'll allow it.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Korb Fortress Esq. – Local Lawyer}

Korb:' And so over the coming weeks and months I would like to lay out my new case to bring the mayor to justice, once and for all. I now call their worship, mayor Steno Paperclips to the stand.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Cecily Parker-Waffle – Local Judge}

Parker-Waffle: I guess I'll send a bailiff to go get them.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bailiff}

Bailiff: I'm on my way.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: Hey Kobe, how does it feel to get dunked on like milk and cookies?

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Korb Fortress Esq. – Local Lawyer}

Korb:' Ma'am, I'm interested in only one thing, and that is the witnessing of justice being served.

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Bertha Burpwinter – Local Criminal}

Bertha: Well you sure did get served. Now, who wants to go outside for a safety meeting?

{Caption change: AT THE COURTHOUSE: Cecily Parker-Waffle – Local Judge}

Parker-Waffle: Well ... given recent developments this court is in recess until tomorrow where we will resume with their worship, mayor Steno Paperclips taking the stand, somehow. Court dismissed.

{Caption removed}

Derek: Well there you have it everybody. Um I think this is unprecedented in English criminal law or in French common law. Uh, I'm not sure where we go from here.

Bertha: Hey there sweet cheeks, want to burn some trees with Grandma?

Derek: There's nothing safe about a forest fire.

Bertha: Well, your loss honey. Well if you changed your mind, I got a pocket full of lemon Kush that'll knock you flat on your ass.

Derek: Well I like lemon and I like safety. I'm gonna go check this out. Guys there's snacks in the safety meeting.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

A-Train: Derek just say no.

G-Money: I think I think he already hung up Alex.

A-Train: I'm ready to hang it up.

G-Money: Well today's proceedings certainly took a turn, but we'll pick up the trial again tomorrow. For now, we're coming up to the break, so when we come back Edith Slump is here to interview someone who makes driftwood zithers. And Montgomery Kone will be here to give us an update on the disappointing results of the Autumn Sideball Classic, at which Alex and I will vacate the studio to just let the rage wash over you. Stick around more QWERPline after this.

Announcer: You're listening to QWERPline here and QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor...

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Announcer: ...the Orcular Jentacular Spectacular. When you have no idea what to make for breakfast, try consulting the Orcular Jentacular Spectacular: it's an obscure part of the vernacular.