Qwerpline Ep28 - Referendum Transcript
Transcript for Qwerpline Ep28 - Referendum
{LRR Logo jingle}
{Graphic: purple LRR logo}
{Intro music}
Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Qwerpline this week is brought to you by...
{Graphic: The Rural Neural Cure-all}
Announcer:...The Rural Neural Cure-all. An amazing and medicinal tonic concocted by farmers to heal the brain sick and head tired. The Rural Neural Cure-all: good for every boy and girl.
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Big G-Money: Good morning nsburg. G-Money here with A-train, how's it going Alex?
A-Train: Found 18 cents in my couch, but apples don't go on sale till Friday.
G-Money: Is that code for something?
A-Train: No, I just like apples.
G-Money: Oh. okay. Well it's great weather for it out there in scenic nsburg: weird sky country.
{Graphic: Town slogan}
A-Train: You are not wrong.
G-Money: Yeah look at that.
A-Train: Oof.
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G-Money: Anyway the sky isn't the only thing in flux this week in Nsburg as voters are preparing for the referendum to modify the system of municipal voting here in nsburg. The city could either stay with its current system of dis-proportional representation or it could change to one of two new options: First Past the Priest, where the candidates engage in a literal footrace to the Nsburg Hexacostal Church; or Multiple Transferable Vote, which, according to Kenneth Lancer from Chuffield University, is sort of like electoral multi-ball. We'll have Mr. Lancer with us later in the program to talk about some of this. But first, what do you think of these proposed changes?
A-Train: I'm Aldersm'n, I have to remain impartial.
G-Money: No, no, not ... like the listeners.
A-Train: Oh! Oh they're pissed.
G-Money: So I've heard, which is why we sent our intern Derek out to harass passers-by with a microphone and engage their opinions.
{Graphic: ON TAPE FROM A LOCATION}
Derek: Hi Graham, hi Alex. You can't answer me because this is a pre-recorded segment. I'm summer intern Derek. Hi listeners. I'm standing outside of historic QWRP FM radio station, waiting to do interviews with people who are going into the building. Hi Edith.
{Caption: INTERVIEW: Edith Slump – QWRP Arts Correspondent}
Edith Slump: Hello Derek.
Derek: Do you have a few moments to spare about the upcoming referendum?
Edith: Well, I do have to get to work but I am a passionate person known for my many fiery opinions. What do you want to know Derek?
Derek: What's your favorite way to vote?
Edith: Honestly Derek, I don't find any of the proposed options particularly exciting. But as I am a member of the media I think I better hold my opinions to myself, lest I influence the campaign unduly.
Derek: Thank you very much Edith, I understand.
{Caption removed}
Derek: What do you think sports reporter Montgomery Kone?
{Caption: INTERVIEW: Montgomery Kone – QWRP Sports Reporter}
Montgomery Kone: Let me tell you exactly what I think Derek. I think that the literal Tigers are going to take the Sideball Autumn Classic this weekend. I know we're three games behind in the series but when it comes to the Topes, I think that the Topes are garbage and they're not going to stand up to the kind of assault that we can give especially if Coach McFeels would get me off the bench because I haven't played in three games.
Derek: Well, okay. But ... but what about the referendum?
Montgomery: Oh right, the voting thing. Uh, all y'all need to vote YES on the special ballot initiative that gets Nsburg a new arena for Sideball. I can't think of a better use of taxpayer money.
Derek: Well, no. What about the system of voting?
Montgomery: I'll tell you the ideal method of voting there Derek. You get up in the morning you, you have a good breakfast and maybe have some coffee. And you walk down to the school gymnasium and you, you pick up that pencil and you vote! And that's all you need to do, is you just vote! Everybody gets a vote. I don't know why people can't just go into the place and get voting. It's so hard to think about why ...
{Caption removed}
Derek: And that was Montgomery Kone, sports reporter, who's now walking away from me. Huh, I didn't realize interviewing people on the street was so hard. Guys?... Oh, right, this is a pre record. Um okay. Oh, now I see station manager Joan ...
{Caption: INTERVIEW: Joan – QWRP Station Manager}
Derek: ... who is now waving me off so I don't get to talk to her either.
{Caption removed}
Derek: And here's Michael O'Leary coming out of the building because that's where he lives. Oh right, I wasn't supposed to say that because that's his home address. Er guys, cut this out later when you use this. Hi Michael.
{Caption: INTERVIEW: Michael O'Leary – QWRP Resident}
Michael O'Leary: Hi Derek. What are you doing out here so early?
Derek: I'm interviewing the man on the street and that's you.
{Caption change: INTERVIEW: Michael O'Leary – Man on the Street}
Derek: So I need your opinions on the referendum.
Michael: I wouldn't consider myself the man on the street Derek, I'm more of the man with the generously appointed bachelor apartment.
{Caption change: INTERVIEW: Michael O'Leary – The Man With the Generously Appointed Bachelor Apartment}
Michael: Or just man about town if you would.
{Caption change: INTERVIEW: Michael O'Leary – Man About Town}
Michael: Perhaps a gadabout.
{Caption change: INTERVIEW: Michael O'Leary – Gadabout}
Derek: Er, and?
Michael: And I'm performing my weekly grocery trip. Would you care to join me? All the best produce shows up at 6 a.m. and it's chanterelle season. I mustn't tarry.
Derek: Well okay, but I'm gonna need a firm opinion out of you for how you're gonna vote on the referendum. Just a sec, let me put my phone away, it's getting heavy. So do you have any plans for those chanterelles?
Michael: I was thinking of making a demi-glaze.
{Caption removed}
G-Money: Um.
{Graphic: QWERPline}
G-Money: Okay. Thanks ... thanks Derek for that report recorded earlier. Um, yo Alex. Is Derek in the break room?
A-Train: Yep.
G-Money: C-Could you, um, go send him back out to do that again with really explicit instructions?
A-Train: How explicit you want? I know a lot of curse words.
G-Money: I leave that to your discretion.
A-Train: Oh goody!
G-Money: And while Alex is doing that I can give you the news.
{Graphic and music: News}
G-Money: The Nsburg Middle School craft fair takes place this weekend, so if you're looking to stock up on macaroni crafts, extremely amateur woodworking, or pinecones that have been decorated to look like the late Richard Thurpston in time for the fourth quarter holidays, they've got you covered. As always, the money raised will go towards the annual school trip. This year it's a thrilling springtime hike along the remnants of the Metaxas Line on the Greco-Bulgarian border. If you'd like to help directly, the Nsburg Middle School will gladly take donations of unexpired field rations, warm blankets, or Huffer Pharmachemicals bunion cream. And the Nsburg Girl Scouts are holding a camouflage workshop, so bring your jute and learn how not to be seen. They'll be showing you how to make found-object ghillie suits and how you can use simple concealer to confound facial recognition software. The first five people to find the camouflage workshop will be given a free tube of olive drab and a burnt cork.
A-Train: Oh! I got so much off my chest just now.
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G-Money: Is Derek going back out for another round of interviews?
A-Train: Yeah, when he puts some ice on that burn I just laid on him.
G-Money: I hope you're being figurative but I can't tell.
A-Train: Of course I am. The only person around here does the Spicy Coat Rack is Gus.
G-Money: What ... what's ... what's a Spicy Coat Rack?
A-Train: Oh! Well you get a crème brulée torch and ...
G-Money: Actually you know what, I don't need to know about it. Joan just turned the red light on, so we're gonna jump instead to Richter Hammockslam up the QWRP Traffic Qwopter. How's it going up there Richter?
{Graphic: QWERP Traffic Qwopter}
Richter Hammockslam: Good morning Graham. Traffic is flowing smoothly today all across the city but you best watch out for a stalled car going north on the Shaughnessy.
A-Train: Is he-
G-Money: Shh. Thank You, Richter. That's very useful information. Carry on.
Richter: I'm also seeing things start to back up a little bit on Berbershire Drive, so motorists using that on their morning commute may want to consider other routes.
G-Money: Oh! A-Are ... are you sure Richter? I took Berbershire this morning and it was perfectly clear.
A-Train: Yeah, it never gets busy.
Richter: I can see it it's clear as day Graham just like I can see that the roundabout near City Hall is as clear and open as my third eye.
G-Money: Er. Richter, Derek just texted me that a raccoon ran into the street and caused a three-car pileup at that roundabout.
Richter: Derek shouldn't be giving you traffic information Graham, that's my job. A job that I have been training for all week.
A-Train: I'm shocked that training has anything to do with your job Richter.
G-Money: He just sent me a video of the crash. It looks like the raccoon is okay but the three initial cars, and then like two or three others that also tried to run the raccoon over, are all sort of in a pile now. One of them's on its side in the bike lane. There's a dude on a ten-speed who's real mad.
Richter: I'll add that to my scene then Graham. For you see I have been image training all week, spending 24 hours a day inside of my mind helicopter.
A-Train: What the hell is "image training"?
Richter: It's a legitimate form of training Alex, one used by elite athletes to train for the Olympics and such. Going through their course in mind as if in life.
G-Money: So you're not reporting the traffic that's there, you're reporting the traffic you're seeing in your mind?
A-Train: That's called make-believe.
Richter: And if I can make myself believe it, it will come true. Be the traffic you want to see in the skies, Alex.
A-Train: Don't you honk me.
Richter: No need, Alex. You seem to have all the salt you'll ever need.
G-Money: And Joan's turned the light on again, and it's flashing this time. Richter you want to wrap it up.
Richter: Thank you so much for that compliment Graham, I always do my best for you two down in the studio.
A-Train: In what universe were we just complimenting you?
Richter: In the unknowable universe of my mind-Qwopter, Alex. Back to you.
{Graphic: QWERPline}
G-Money: Uh. Um. Sure. Next we are gonna go to the phones and joining us is Kenneth Lancer, political scientist from Chuffield University, who's going to be talking to us about the importance of the upcoming referendum. Welcome Mr. Lancer.
{Graphic: LET'S GO TO THE PHONES}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Kenneth Lancer – Political Scientist}
Kenneth Lancer: It's a pleasure to be here Graham. It's not often that we at the political science department get to speak to the general public about such important matters as the electoral reform.
G-Money: So the city of Nsburg needs to decide whether they stick with the current system of dis-proportional rep, or move to First Past the Priest or Multiple Transferable Vote. What do you think of the advantages and disadvantages of these various systems?
Kenneth: Either of these options is a success from my point of view. Wha ... you haven't held an election in 17 years. Your mayor is a box of paperclips. I can't understand how you continue to function.
A-Train: Hey! Mayor Steno Paper Clips hasn't been doing that bad a job.
Kenneth: And I'd like to counter that your position in the county as an Aldersm'n has been made much easier by this lack of an elected official.
A-Train: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Kenneth: A moderate electoral system is built on a system of checks and balances, and not having a mayor for over nine years is a flagrant disregard for the citizens of this city. Your last mayor died in office and was replaced by the box of paperclips. How, as a representative of the citizenry, can you not see this as a problem?
A-Train: Hey! It ain't broke.
Kenneth: It's fundamentally broken! The paper clips are being used.
G-Money: Wait, what?
Kenneth: Yeah! People are taking them and not returning them!
G-Money: What happens when all the paper clips are gone?
Kenneth: Nobody knows! I don't know! This situation is unprecedented in the history of Westminster politics. I urge every eligible citizen of Nsburg to get out there and vote for one of the two new options in this referendum. It is absolutely paramount that you elect a human mayor. No ghosts, no statues, no stationery of any kind. Human being!
A-Train: Do you really got to spell dude that clearly?
Kenneth: I shouldn't have to remind you of Nsburg's mayor from 1974 to 1976 who was simply three shuffle cats in a box.
G-Money: Hey! Mayor Scratchy Boots Angry Hiss was instrumental in the construction of Nsburg Community College. That's why there's a statue of them on the quad.
Kenneth: I believe that I have to point out to you people that the only way to hold your elected officials accountable is to actually elect them. And have answered my own questions.
G-Money: O...okay well thank you for your insight Kenneth Lancer. We appreciate you being here today.
Kenneth: Uh huh, sure. Go Topes.
{Graphic: QWERPline}
A-Train: Yeah. See ya on the oval.
G-Money: Well you heard it here first. We're running low on paper clips so vote for anything it doesn't matter. Speaking of which I've just got the thumbs up from Gus that Derek returned with another pre-taped man-on-the-street segment, so let's give that a try, I guess.
{Graphic: ON TAPE FROM A LOCATION}
Derek: Hi Graham, hi Alex. Um, this is take two of my pre-record, sorry about the last one, you'll want to cut all this out before we go to air. Hi listeners, it's summer intern Derek and I'm here at the five car pileup at the roundabout outside of Town Hall asking people what they think about the referendum. Let's see who we can talk to here. Um, excuse me sir. What are your thoughts in the upcoming referendum?
{Caption: INTERVIEW: Unidentified Man – Accident Victim}
Unidentified Man: Are you a paramedic? I've got pins and needles all down my left side. Will you help me?
Derek: Oh, well, I don't know if I can explain Multiple Transferable Vote very well.
Unidentified Man: I think I might have a head injury, I can't understand what you're talking about.
Derek: Oh, well, from what I've heard that's pretty common with Multiple Transferable Vote.
Unidentified Man: Okay. Goodnight little boy.
Derek: I'm 19! And if you're just going to doze off in the middle of an interview I'm gonna find someone else to talk to. Oh, there's a guy.
{Caption: INTERVIEW: A Guy – Accident Victim}
Derek: Oh you're just three raccoons in an abandoned trench coat.
{Caption changed: INTERVIEW: Three Raccoons – In Abandoned Trench Coat}
Derek: I will leave you to your meal of road trash run along now.
{Caption removed}
Derek: Maybe I should just get out of this accident scene. Oh perfect, I'm gonna go talk to her she's one of Nsburg's finest. Hello.
{Caption: INTERVIEW: Unidentified Woman – Local Servicewoman}
Local Servicewoman: Hi? This is an active accident scene and so I'm going to need you to get away from all of the victims.
Derek: But I have important journalism to do. I was sent here by QWRP to ask people about the referendum.
Servicewoman:' Um. I am actively trying to deploy the Jaws of Life right now, but I actually have some opinions on First Past the Priest. I don't think the Hexacostal Church is the right place to have that race.
Derek: Oh! You're the first person I've talked to ... ever ... who's answered my hard-hitting questions.
Servicewoman: Wow! That's pretty cool at all but we try not to use phrase hard-hitting around, like, major car accidents because it put people on edge. So just give me one second here, I do have to start this machine because this gas tank is leaking and that person will die unless I pull them out but I do have some thoughts.
{Machine noises start}
Servicewoman: So I just think the footpath around the Hexacostal church is just way too slippery and if there's any kind of chance of rain, it's like a 7% grade or something crazy. And I know it's in the center of town, and I know it's, like, a good point you can have people run to, but typically politicians are kind of old, and I don't want to be prying anyone out of a bush because they fell on a raccoon or something like that.
{Machine noises stop}
Derek: What?
{Machine noises start}
Servicewoman: So, as I was saying, I just think the Hexacostal church is not a good place to hold that and ...
{Machine noises fade out}
{Caption removed}
Derek: Well, you heard it here first listeners. That's a selection of opinions on the local referendum. But what do you think on the matter? Let's go to the phones right now.
{Graphic: LET'S GO TO THE PHONES}
G-Money: Wha? No, you can't throw to the phones off a pre-record. What the he...
A-Train: Evidently he can. Gus
G-Money: Hey, you're live on the air at QWRP what are you thinking.
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Richter Hammockslam – QWRP Traffic Reporter}
Richter: Hello Graham, hello Alex.
A-Train: Why?!
Richter: I understand you're asking people's opinion on the upcoming referendum and I have some very cogent thoughts.
G-Money: Weren't you just image training? Why are you back in the Qwopter already?
A-Train: And why does it sound broken?
Richter: I was just taking a break for my morning smoothie when I heard that traitor Derek was soliciting opinions. I have those.
G-Money: Caller, can you please turn down your blender?
Richter: Impossible. If I stop now I won't get the 100% homogeneous solution that I desire.
A-Train: I heard you have some opinions, Richter.
Richter: Oh so many. Don't get me started on 2% milk.
G-Money: I didn't.
Richter: But on the topic of the referendum, quite frankly I think it's high time that the citizenry stop with the free-loading and earned their vote like Spartans.
G-Money: Through military service?
A-Train: And exposure as infants?
Richter: It's a start, I know. But we need a hard citizenry to make the hard decisions.
A-Train: You don't have to lift to weigh in on budgetary revisions.
Richter: Far are too many weak-willed individuals will be able to vote under both First Past the Priest and electoral money ba...
{Graphic: QWERPline}
G-Money: Huh. I never knew pushing a button could feel so good. Oh but Joan seems to have figured that out, so I guess it's time for the break. When we come back, the Nsburg 5H club is holding an Achievement Day. You can come out to the Raster Heights Elementary School gymnasium and see what some youth Nsburg have been up to this summer. Come out to participate in steer judging, a pie portioning contest, endurance crochet, and to see how some ambitious participants managed to retrofit a Rolls Royce Merlin engine into the chassis of a 1982 Ducati Scrambler.
A-Train: Does it work?
G-Money: Well that's what Achievement Day is here to find out. Get there early for limited blast shield seating and remember your pelts for the 50-50 draw. And next week it's Nsburg kombucha-con again, so find anyone who's into fermented tea and bring them over to the Nsburg Civic Center to meet Scobie Doo the Booch Pooch and the rest of the Yeast Crew. Try some of the new flavors: green tea huckleberry, pooer pork curry, and rooibos fidget spinner. There will also be a new drinkers booch-camp, a drinking contest - remember it's not about speed, it's about volume - and be sure to arrive early for a chance to touch the mother.
A-Train: I don't understand that and I don't want to.
G-Money: Same. Stick around more Qwerpline after this.
Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline, here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor...
{Graphic: The Rural Neural Cure-all}
Announcer: ...The Rural Neural Cure-all. An amazing medicinal tonic concocted by farmers to heal the brain sick and head tired. The Rural Neural Cure-all: only tested on squirrels.
