Qwerpline Ep26 - Don't Bet On It Transcript

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Transcript for Qwerpline Ep26 - Don't Bet On It

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...

{Graphic: Panama Panic Banana Hammock}

ANNOUNCER: ... Panama Panic Banana Hammock. A recent new twist in the gold standard of men's undergarments. Panama Panic Banana Hammock, the materials are organic.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Good morning Nsburg it's QWERPline, thank you for joining us. Big G-Money here with A-Train. How's it going Alex?

A-Train: Frog-blast the vent core.

G-MONEY: If you have to, just keep a plunger with you at all times.

A-Train: Oh so you're an old hand at this too.

G-MONEY: It's all part of home ownership Alex. Hopefully everyone out there is having an equally productive day here in scenic Nsburg: "You'll find it in the dictionary between moist and overcast".

{Graphic: Town slogan}

A-Train: Gross. What's on the docket today?

G-MONEY: The news

{Graphic and music: News}

G-MONEY: The Chuffield Hydrangea Bombs and the Lesser Miami Jezza-brawls are having an exhibition roller derby jam at the Nsburg Memorial Arena next week.

{Graphic: Roller Derby Jam}

A-TRAIN: Oh is the league thinking of adding an Nsburg team?

G-MONEY: No the Girl Scouts invited them to get ideas.

A-TRAIN: That seems ... bad.

G-MONEY: Yeah, I wouldn't sit in the first five rows.

{Graphic: News}

G-MONEY: Speaking of children's activities, a reminder that registration is almost over for a summer sleepaway camp at Camp Melanoma over by Lake Indian-name.

{Graphic: Camp Melanoma}

A-TRAIN: I've signed that paperwork three times. It's Lake Anesh. Someone is doing this on purpose.

G-MONEY: If your child is too anxious for a sleepaway camp, Camp Melanoma also offers a series of day camps over the course of the summer, including one starting next week where the children will build dugout canoes.

A-TRAIN: That sounds like a fun team activity.

G-MONEY: No, each child makes their own canoe. It's a, it's a nine-week course.

A-TRAIN: Well it's important to learn a trade, I guess.

G-MONEY: You're not wrong Alex and speaking of carving out a meagre existence, our next guest is the big winner of the Geyser Watch betting pool.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: As everyone, or at least everyone downwind of Old Blowy, knows by now, the geyser has been erupting constantly since its initial expression and only one man had the million-to-one odds bet that the town hall was offering on that result and he's here in the studio with us.

{Graphic: Live in the Studio}

BALL HINKLEY: We-hey Graham and Alex.

{Caption: LIVE INTERVIEW: Ball Hinkley - Won Geyser Betting Pool}

G-MONEY: Welcome back to the show local entrepreneur and dryness enthusiasts, Ball Hinkley.

A-TRAIN: Was wondering why it smelled like dusty in here.

BALL: Oh you're detecting my powders. It's so moist and overcast today.

G-MONEY: So Ball why, why did you bet the million-to-one odds that Old Blowy would begin erupting constantly and ceaselessly?

BALL: In my line of business sulfur's a cash crop.

A-TRAIN: Those are pretty impressive odds you beat, Ball. How much did you actually win?

BALL: I feel a little uncomfortable talking about all my money.

A-TRAIN: That is literally why you are here.

BALL: But you know I put in my initial bet of $38, you think I'd end up with $38 million. But the town hall didn't have that many entries, so this year I made $627 and 18 cents.

A-TRAIN: Wow what are you going to spend it on?

BALL: Well there ain't much you can buy in the market for 18 cents and I got a save $38 for next year. But on the upside, I don't have to pay taxes for the next six years.

{Caption: LIVE INTERVIEW: Ball Hinkley - Woefully misinformed}

A-TRAIN: Yes you do.

BALL: That don't make no sense Alex. The town hall's in arrears to me.

A-TRAIN: What? No, the town hall is in arrears to you not the Town Hall.

BALL: Oh well I guess I have to pay taxes but at least I own a bar? And a pool hall. I should take bets. Oh I got it. Alex, I'll give you four-to-one odds on Richter's traffic report today.

{Caption: LIVE INTERVIEW: Ball Hinkley - Amateur Bookie}

A-TRAIN: Hard pass.

BALL: Graham?

G-MONEY: Nope.

BALL: Gus?

{Sound effect: incorrect buzz}

BALL: Edith?

EDITH SLUMP: I like to live dangerously but I can't accept those odds.

BALL: Michael?

MICHAEL O'LEARY: No thank you, Mr. Hinkley.

BALL: Huh being a bookie is harder than I thought. What about you Richter?

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

RICHTER HAMMOCKSLAM: Thank you but no thank you Ball. That would be a conflict of interest.

G-MONEY: How the hell did Ball just throw to Richter?

{Sound effect: woop}

A-TRAIN: Gus!

RICHTER: Thank you Gus. You caught me mid-flight but I think I can give a decent report as things stand.

A-TRAIN: Maybe I should have taken that bet.

G-MONEY: How do things look out there Richter?

RICHTER: Well Graham, we're two into the flight at the last three seem like they're going to be a bit hazy.

A-TRAIN: Huh?

BALL: Oh you lost me Richter.

RICHTER: Craft brewing, Ball. I am in the middle of a flight of some of it Nsburg's finest craft IPAs.

G-MONEY: Richter why can I still hear the helicopter?

A-TRAIN: Oh no no no no no no no.

RICHTER: Have no fear Alex, I'm not nearly that liquous. I always grab a designated pilot when I go up drinking.

JOY: Weeeeee. I can see my friend Suzi's house from here.

A-TRAIN: No no no no no no no no.

RICHTER: Yes yes yes craft brewing is really taking off here in Nsburg and who better to review it in the man who is your only helicopter pilot I forgot my own name.

A-TRAIN: No no no no no.

G-MONEY: I didn't realized you were such a lightweight Richter.

RICHTER: The effect of alcohol are more pronounced at a greater altitude Graham. I'm a surprise a man in your position wouldn't be aware of that.

BALL: Huh, you learn something new everyday.

A-TRAIN: Joy I need you to be very brave right now.

BALL: Oh and tell me how traffic is looking out by the Talc Barn.

JOY: That's ok Alex, I'm working on my helicopter pilot badge for the Berg Scouts. Also Ball, traffic is really backed up on Highway 3 because of the Mason Street construction so I think you should use the Shaughnessy off-ramp and go through Raster Height.

BALL: Maybe y'all should've take that bet after all, I'm a natural at this bookie stuff.

A-TRAIN: If she lives, we're giving her an internship the minute she turns 19.

RICHTER: That's fine with me Alex. Just keep her off the traffic and the Beer beat, those are mine. Back to you Ball.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

BALL: Alright I'm out of here. I gotta go hose down the Talc Barn and then dry it out. I got a new brick of sulfur coming in I got to make some room for it.

A-TRAIN: Why do you have a sulfur brick?

BALL: Old Blowy has been really productive this year. Later gents. Bye.

A-TRAIN: Did we actually get an interview?

G-MONEY: We asked at least one question which I think qualifies.

EDITH: And if nothing else we all had a very authentic Ball experience.

MICHAEL: He's a well-rounded character.

G-MONEY: Why is everyone in the studio today?

EDITH: It's too cold in the rest of the building.

MICHAEL: The AC's going nuts Graham.

G-MONEY: Well since you're both here I guess it's time for the Arts with Edith Slump. Michael just brush all the powder off that chair and take a seat.

MICHAEL: That's Ray Raimondo.

{Graphic: It's the Arts}

EDITH: Hello Graham, hello Alex. I spent a thrilling afternoon yesterday with local textile artist Glenda Drapp. And I visited her backyard studio in Frampton Downs.

G-MONEY: And?

EDITH: And it was an incredible experience. Roll the tape, Gus.

'’{Recording starts}'’

EDITH: I'm stepping through a beautiful garden of local artist Glenda Drapp. You can hear the songs of birds and the buzz of bees and a delicate twinkle of wind chimes. There's a soft scent of wild rose in the air from the farmer's field behind the Drapp household and overall it is a beautiful and natural and inspiring place to bring textile arts to life. Now I'm entering the studio. My foot crosses the threshold into a place of pure creativity.

{Caption: EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Glenda Drapp - Weaver}

GLENDA DRAPP: Hello I'm Glenda Drapp textile artisan in Nsburg.

EDITH: This piece on the wall here has such incredible hand feel.

GLENDA: I'm glad you noticed Edith. Those were woven from strands that I captured from wild alpaca during it trip I talked to the Himalayas.

EDITH: That's amazing. The patterns bring to mind a playful spring rain shower.

GLENDA: My thoughts exactly on that matter. Why it almost seemed that I was putting the threads through the Jacquard loom that the pitter-patter of its machinery clicking back and forth said to me that it's a spring shower inside my studio.

EDITH: It's truly breathtaking. And that piece on the far wall between the other two pieces and above the short one. That has such vibrant color.

GLENDA: That one's part of a triptych, let me get the other pieces. There.

{Caption: EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Glenda Drapp - Prolific Weaver}

EDITH: Oh I see it now these really do have to be appreciated together.

{Caption removed}

A-TRAIN: This is a good radio.

G-MONEY: Are you shelling peanuts.

A-TRAIN: Pistachios, actually.

G-MONEY: Great now we have powder and pistachio shells on the floor.

MICHAEL: If you leave the studio door open my Roomba will take care of it tonight.

{Caption: EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Glenda Drapp - Prolific Weaver}

GLENDA: And I've created every one of these pieces using my trusty antique Jacquard loom. I've made many modifications to it over the years.

EDITH: Hmm I can see that that arm over there. That does not look original.

GLENDA: I've replaced the punch card system with a ten-key and I have replaced the manual power with geothermal energy so that it could theoretically run forever.

EDITH: Do you find the humidity wilts you felt at all?

GLENDA: Only occasionally on overcast days but that's why I have the dehumidifier.

EDITH: Can you explain that medium sized piece.

GLENDA: Which one?

EDITH: The one on the left.

GLENDA: Oh well that one I'd like to leave open to interpretation. Buy the one on the right is truly the interesting one. That one was created on its own.

A-TRAIN: Sorry what?

GLENDA: One morning after I awoke, I walked into the studio and there it was just coming out of the machine.

EDITH: So you didn't program anything to create the weaving then?

GLENDA: Not at all. The algorithm sprung forth spontaneously and it hasn't stopped since.

EDITH: What a fascinating and visually striking pieces to be a unique creation like that. Is the piece currently coming off the loom the same?

GLENDA: This is the third iteration of this particular program why each version is more refined than the last.

EDITH: There's some writing on this piece: "Die human die".

GLENDA: Oh yes it surely is trying to communicate with us but we may never know its true intentions.

EDITH: Well thank you very much Glenda for inviting us into your studio such a feast for the eyes and now back to me.

'’{Recording ends}'’

{Graphic: QWERPline}

EDITH: Thank you, me. Any questions Graham?

G-MONEY: Is that loom Turing-complete?

EDITH: I'm not sure but apparently somebody from DARPA is coming by next week.

G-MONEY: So what you're saying is we got a scoop.

EDITH: I wish you wouldn't sully my arts reporting with your frantic news hounding Graham and speaking of great radio. Alex wake up.

A-TRAIN: It's Lake Anesh. Hmm what?

G-MONEY: We go now to summer intern Derek.

{Graphic: Live on Location}

A-TRAIN: Snore.

G-MONEY: Who is on location with Bertha Burpwinter, who's going to tell us about some of Nsburg's historic cellars. How's it going Derek?

{Caption version: LIVE INTERVIEW: Bertha Burpwinter - Cellar Researcher}

UNKNOWN, DEEP, HUSK VOICE: Hi Graham, hi Alex.

G-MONEY: Oh I'm sorry I have the wrong number.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

A-TRAIN: Yeah, who was that?

G-MONEY: I don't know, I must have transposed two numbers. Let me try again.

{Graphic: Live on Location}

{Caption version: LIVE INTERVIEW: ??? - Mystery man with buttery voice}

UNKNOWN, DEEP, HUSK VOICE: Graham, Alex, you hung up on me.

G-MONEY: Hey is Derek there?

UNKNOWN, DEEP, HUSK VOICE: What are you talking about? It's me, Derek.

G-MONEY: Ah, No, it's, it's not. You, you don't even sound a little like Derek.

A-TRAIN: You aren't even trying dude.

UNKNOWN, DEEP, HUSK VOICE: Come on guys we talk every day.

A-TRAIN: Yeah right. If you're Derek, tell me what Gus's new tattoo says.

DEREK?: I don't know I can't read Japanese.

A-TRAIN: Whoa, uh, okay possible Derek. How many nipples does Michael O'Leary have?

MICHAEL: The answer, gentle listener, may surprise you.

DEREK?!: Oh come on, everybody knows that. He won the contest.

A-TRAIN: Okay how about this, what is the poster in the recording studio say?

DEREK!: That's a dirty trick, you know I can't say those 8 words on the radio.

{Caption version: LIVE INTERVIEW: Derek??!}

A-TRAIN: Ah! It's Derek. What happened?

G-MONEY: What's wrong with your voice?

DEREK: I'm sorry guys I came down with a sore throat and I know this is ruined my voice for radio forever.

A-TRAIN: You don't give up on your dreams just yet Derek. Wait, why am I saying that?

G-MONEY: Is that why we haven't seen you around the station recently?

DEREK: Yeah I'm pretty sure it's contagious actually. I didn't want to get everyone sick.

G-MONEY: How are you so sure it's contagious?

DEREK: Well like I went down to the Weiner Czar the other day and said hi to False Demetri and then her face got really red and she ran in the back.

G-MONEY: Er.

DEREK: Yeah the same thing happened when I was talking to the barista at the Angry Sibbett. I told her she had nice hair and she put her hand over her chest to look like she was going to faint.

G-MONEY: Erm.

DEREK: And then I was down at Dragons Landing for Friday night pogs and I brushed against Lance's hand when he made a move, which is a real faux pas but he started sweating and then insisted it was fine.

G-MONEY: Wow.

DEREK: Yeah Lance's girlfriend gave me a real dirty eye. I think she's mad at me for getting him sick.

G-MONEY: Derek what that that girl you like, Kelsey, have you seen her at all recently?

DEREK: Oh I don't want to go anywhere near her I don't want to get her sick too I had to hide in the basement last night for three hours because she invited herself over and wouldn't go away.

A-TRAIN: Should we call his mom?

G-MONEY: Why?

A-TRAIN: Well somebody has to explain this to him it's not going to be us.

DEREK: Wait, guys, you know what's wrong with me?

G-MONEY: Well I wouldn't say that I know what's wrong with you.

DEREK: Oh my god I got a call off this interview. Bertha is so old and frail she might die of a heart attack.

A-TRAIN: With a smile ear to ear.

DEREK: Oh no! Are those sirens? That must be an ambulance going to pick me up! I'm patient zero! I got to get underground and hide!

G-MONEY: You're already in one of Nsburg's historic cellars there.

DEREK: Where do you go when you're already underground? I can hear them coming inside! Gotta go bye.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Well, I'm sure that will all go fine.

A-TRAIN: Wait, why were there sirens?

G-MONEY: I legit don't know but that takes us up to the break so. When we come back Nsburg Water & Power is excavating Mason Street between Pipesman Lane and Odd Fellow Terrace to clear a fat-berg from the sewage lines. Spokesman Dan Teasdale is imploring everyone in Little Belgium to avoid flushing anything particularly unxious, like bacon grease, motor oil, modelling clay, sardine carcasses, or both separate halves of five-minute epoxy for some reason and instead take that to the recycling center.

A-TRAIN: Yeah, you can't just flush one half of the epoxy down your drain, and the other half down your neighbors drain. It goes to the same place.

G-MONEY: And I've just been handed this bulletin. Kendra Tiltington of the Nsburg recycling center is begging people not to listen to Nsburg Water and Power. To quote the release, "Stop, stop, stop, please stop. We don't want your sardines and epoxy either. Dear god please stop."

MICHAEL: At least these that can still drop off my drum of baking grease.

A-TRAIN: Oh yeah you're still here.

G-MONEY: Well stick around everybody. More QWERPline after this.

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor ...

{Graphic: Panama Panic Banana Hammock}

ANNOUNCER: ... Panama Panic Banana Hammock. A recent new twist in the gold standard of men's undergarments. Panama Panic Banana Hammock, your impact will be volcanic.