Qwerpline Ep25 - Mystery Mansion Transcript

Transcript for Qwerpline Ep25 - Mystery Mansion

{LRR Logo jingle}

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{Intro music}

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...

{Graphic: Shogi Yogi Perogi Hoagie}

ANNOUNCER: ... Shogi Yogi Perogi Hoagie. A delicious new fusion of flavour from the Shogi Yogi. The Shogi Yogi Perogi Hohaie, goes great with a stogie.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Good morning Nsburg, welcome to the show. It's Big G-Money here with A-Train. How are you doing this morning, Alex?

A-TRAIN: Half full.

G-MONEY: Of?

A-TRAIN: Double price brunch.

G-MONEY: What?

A-TRAIN: I lost the flip.

G-MONEY: What happened to the other half?

A-TRAIN: I mean it- it's been a couple hours.

G-MONEY: No, stop.

A-TRAIN: I mean I've been to the bathroom.

G-MONEY: Nope. I'm glad that you're feeling well, and I hope that everyone at home is feeling well. And I'm glad to have you here today with us on QWERPline in scenic Nsburg: "Six of One"

{Graphic: Town slogan}

A-TRAIN: Oh there's the other shoe.

G-MONEY: Yeah I think I've been reading these in the reverse order.

A-TRAIN: Oh that's a point, did you check the sorting on the spreadsheet.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: I did, it said "Error with formula".

A-TRAIN: It's probably fine.

G-MONEY: There's a second page on the sheet but someone just used it to make a pixel drawing of Mirtho the Clown.

A-TRAIN: Who has that kind of time?

G-MONEY: Gus.

A-TRAIN: Right.

G-MONEY: Anyway it's time for the news.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-MONEY: The Nsburg Ladies' Auxiliary is hosting their annual spring plant sale this Saturday.

{Graphic: Nsburg Ladies Auxiliary Annual Spring Plant Sale}

G-MONEY: This year's theme is carnivorous plants so come to the 10th Consolidated Church between 10:00 and 2:00 to stock up on Venus Flytraps, Pitcher Plants and something called the Nepalese Snake Vise, which according to my notes, is illegal in 205 countries. If you can't make it to the sale don't fret because the Ladies Auxiliary also set up an order page on the dark web for your online shopping convenience.

A-TRAIN: And will be handing out leaflets on how to install TOR.

{Graphic: News}

G-MONEY: And once again a reminder from the town hall that taxes are now precariously overdue, and you _have to pay them_. This year's raccoon pelt exchange rate is 5 to 1, but as we all know that rate is going to steadily worsen as people are finally berated into paying.

A-TRAIN: Yeah I got in early at 8 to 1. Suck it.

G-MONEY: Shouldn't, shouldn't you have paid your taxes on time anyway because you're the Aldersman?

A-TRAIN: Yes I am the Aldersman.

G-MONEY: That's a good point, I forgot. Well it's time for sports now ...

{Graphic: Sports}

G-MONEY: ... and coverage of ...

{Graphic: Tuff Brudder Extreme Obstacle Course}

G-MONEY: ... the Tuff Brudder Obstacle Course. We take you live to the Chumble Duck Range, where Edith Slump is filling in for sports reporter Montgomery Cone, who is out this week recovering from a bout of high spirits.

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A-TRAIN: What do you mean high spirits?

G-MONEY: You know, like {silence}

A-TRAIN: You can't make the drinking gesture on the radio.

G-MONEY: That, that was the point Alex. Edith, good morning Edith.

EDITH SLUMP: Hello Graham, once again I take up the sacred mantle of sports reporter to bring you a report on the Tuff Brudder. Also to support my nephew Rowan Slump, who is competing for the second year in a row.

G-MONEY: For those listening who haven't seen a Tuff Brudder Obstacle Course, can you fill us in on the details?

EDITH: This is actually my first year at a Tuff Brudder too, but for what I can see from the sideline, it's a little bit like Lord of the Flies mixed with some sort of sports anime. There's a lot of kids out here trying their hardest, but because they're children, it's actually not that hard - Rowan, Rowan, and you can do it. Pull yourself out from under that barbed wire and try again - Sorry Graham, Rowan's only 5 and he's a little discouraged by the first obstacle of the course.

G-MONEY: Which is?

EDITH: Four spools of concertina wire.

G-MONEY: That, that sounds very tough. Could you explain what the rest of the course looks like?

EDITH: Allow me to read from the official pamphlet here they handed out. This year's Tuff Brudder Course is inspired by 1917 Alsace-Lorraine and therefore features a variety of obstacles including environmental, man-made and animal.

G-MONEY: Huh. I guess the concertina wire falls under manmade.

EDITH: Yes in addition to those there's a 20-foot featureless wall they call The Mountain, an underground tunnel network, and a flame thrower. Though the flame thrower just throws tinsel, it's because it's for kids, right?

G-MONEY: The rest of it still sounds pretty dangerous.

EDITH: Oh no they have made several concessions in the name of safety. For example, the punji pit spikes are actually just coated in bactine.

G-MONEY: Oh ok. What about that animal hazards you were talking about?

EDITH: Oh no that was just a few raccoons they couldn't clear from the course. They're only a little bit rabid.

G-MONEY: How much is a little?

EDITH: Probably 50/50.

G-MONEY: Listeners, I apologies for getting slightly distracted here but, are you saying that each raccoon is half rabid or half the raccoons are all rabid?

EDITH: I'm sorry Graham but sports reporting isn't really my forte. But I can check those numbers and get back to you. There's also an obstacle called the Archways of Tonarth, but I can't see them from my side of the course, so I'm going to assume Rowan will be just fine going through them. Oh one second hold on - Rown, you can do it. There's only one piranha in that water, it can barely hurt you. Just keep going. - Sorry, it's very important to encourage your family at events like this.

G-MONEY: I, I will just say to the listeners at home that the point of these rather sort of extreme obstacle races is to challenge yourself, you're not actually competing with your fellow racers.

EDITH: Oh well nobody told these kids that. From my vantage point I can see that there's a big bottleneck at the Pointed Veil and it seems to be every kid for themselves. You know Graham, this pamphlet they handed out does say that Melody Yum first awakened her bloodlust running her own Tuff Brudder when she was but a child.

G-MONEY: She's still in high school Edith.

EDITH: And carries within her chest the heart of a warrior.

G-MONEY: Well, there you have it. If you want to see the awakening of future Sideball stars, head on over to the Chumble Duck Range for Tuff Brudder.

EDITH: Rowan, Rowan. Just grab the spear and thrust with all your hate. He's such a good kid Graham.

G-MONEY: Speaking of a seemingly never-ending series of challenges, we go now to Richter Hammockslam.

A-TRAIN: Wait he's back?

G-MONEY: Yeah.

A-TRAIN: From Dubai?

G-MONEY: Yeah.

A-TRAIN: How?

G-MONEY: Don't know. Kind of don't care. S'up Richter.

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

RICHTER HAMMOCKSLAM: Graham, traffic is at an absolute standstill as far as I can tell from my vantage point here.

G-MONEY: Where's your vantage point Richter?

RICHTER: Home, Graham.

A-TRAIN: Home in Nsburg, or your actual house?

RICHTER: While I appreciate that you remember that I live in a manufactured home and therefore can move wherever the will takes me, Nsburg is currently my home and I'm inside of it at this time.

G-MONEY: Then why can we hear the Traffic Qwopter?

RICHTER: Those things are at their least efficient when you start and stop them, so I keep it running at a time to save this station valuable resources.

A-TRAIN: I'm not a mechanic but I'm pretty sure that's not how it works.

RICHTER: Who's to say who's right in this crazy, mixed-up world of ours.

G-MONEY: Richter, you said traffic's at a standstill, like out the window?

RICHTER: Well I assume so Graham, I can't actually see further than my street. But the delivery that I've been expecting for the past two days hasn't come yet.

G-MONEY: Does the tracking say that it's out for delivery?

RICHTER: Yes.

G-MONEY: Ah that's so annoying.

RICHTER: I know, right. Once they left a slip on my door and I was totally just in the bathroom. I didn't even hear the knock.

G-MONEY: Oh man, that happened to me once too.

A-TRAIN: How do you hear anything over the Qwopter?

RICHTER: And then I had to call to the depot. It's on the other end of town. It was such an annoyance. The traffic was terrible.

G-MONEY: When was this?

RICHTER: Tuesday.

A-TRAIN: Okay, so traffic was backed-up on 10th Avenue last Tuesday so ... extrapolate from there, listeners.

G-MONEY: This happens to me all the time Richter. You, you sure it's just traffic or the driver just like screwing around.

RICHTER: That could be Graham. I did see the mailman trying to duck underneath the blades and then chickening out like some sort of communist.

G-MONEY: Oh my god, typical.

A-TRAIN: Is that something Communists are known for? And Graham stop encouraging him.

G-MONEY: I can't really speak to communists, but delivery drivers absolutely, yes.

RICHTER: I've tracked this package all the way from its destination. From hub city to hub city, finally landing here in Nsburg, and I need it in my hands today.

G-MONEY: I know that feeling: you watch it, it gets to the Jewelberg airport, and then just sits there and sits there and sits there and then bang! missed delivery notice.

RICHTER: I know. I saw it sitting on that trailer for like three hours before someone even touched it.

G-MONEY: It's like they don't even care. Like, we paid for the tracking.

RICHTER: Right? And the amount of fuel I used staying aloft, keeping an eye on it while it wasn't even moving? What the hell are they even doing?

A-TRAIN: I feel like I'm going crazy!

RICHTER: Right?

G-MONEY: Right?

A-TRAIN: WRONG!

RICHTER: So anyway, I'm stuck here for at least another four hours before they attempt quote-unquote another delivery. Oh there he is. Back to you, Graham.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

A-TRAIN: Wait, Richter. I'm invested now too! What did you order? What is it?! I need closure!

G-MONEY: Alex, Alex, it doesn't matter. What matters is he got it.

A-TRAIN: {Sobbing}

G-MONEY: Well now - Alex you may as well keep on sobbing - we go to Summer Intern Derek, who is on location at the soon-to-be revitalized Baskerville Mystery Mansion for an exclusive interview with Carly Plunk.

{Graphic: Live on Location}

DEREK: Hi Graham, hi Alex. It's so cool you sending me to the Baskerville Mystery Mansion. I loved coming here as a kid. They never really let us inside but we all need to stand around look at it for a while. Why am I here again?

G-MONEY: To interview Carly Plunk, heiress to the Baskerville-Sans fortune.

DEREK: Oh, that's why it's called the Baskerville Mystery Mansion.

{Caption: LIVE INTERVIEW: Carly Plunk - Heiress}

CARLY PLUNK: Uh, excuse me. It's Baskerville-Sans.

DEREK: Oh, that kind of ruins the mystery.

CARLY: Yes and it's not really a mystery mansion although I understand why you quaint locals call it that. It's actually just a manse that was in my family that fell into disrepair. My, my aunt was quite insane you know. She introduced breeding raccoons to Nsburg.

DEREK: Oh well, when we were growing up we always called it the mystery mansion. Everybody did.

CARLY: Yes because all the doors were locked and then two transient fellows disappeared inside.

DEREK: There were seven doors. I tried them all.

CARLY: Aren't you special? But soon the doors of this manse will reopen as a beautiful day spa and luxury hotel. We're renovating the entire property top to bottom.

DEREK: But I thought this was your house! Aren't you gonna live here?

CARLY: Ha, no. I'm not leaving Jwewlsberg, it's gross here. But you know, as an heiress to the Baskerville-Sans fortune, the fonts of my grandfather created, I am very bored and I have a lot of money. So my husband, Tiffin, and I are redoing the house as a project.

{Caption: LIVE INTERVIEW: Carly Plunk - The 1%}

DEREK: Tiffin's kind of a funny name for a boy.

TIFFIN PLUNK:' Yes, right. That's what people say. They think I'm common. Well, then I just smash their teeth in. That's why they call me Tiff-in.

CARLY: Tiffin, you delight! He was my polo instructor. Tiffin, why don't we go ready yourself in the bed, sweet? Ta-ta!

TIFFIN: Yeah, I'll just go find the rubber Johnnies and get my tackle out.

DEREK: You guys talk funny.

TIFFIN: Are you starting?

DEREK: No I'm only halfway done.

CARLY: Bye-bye Tiffin! Now back to me. So what we're doing is we're gutting the entire wretched property and then turning into a beautiful new spa and five star hotel with a four Michelin star restaurant, chef from Germany. We're going to put new wallpaper in, back fill the sinkhole in the upper-lower lawn. Pull the bodies out of the basement. A full fumigation. New fixtures. The whole nine yards.

{Caption: LIVE INTERVIEW: Carly Plunk - Has Plans}

DEREK: But if you turn this beloved of a piece of my childhood into a day spa, Nsburg's going to lose something important to its heritage. That'll lose all the mystery, all the fun.

CARLY: I don't care.

{Laugh break}

CARLY: I don't care. I'm rich and I'm bored.

DEREK: Well, I guess that's fair. I mean, it's your property and you have a lot of money which means you're probably right.

CARLY: Oh hohohoho, how terribly droll. I'm not used to people rolling over and acquiescing to my needs so easily, well except for Tiffin. What's your name again, muscular boy?

A-TRAIN: {crazed laugh} Derek, run.

DEREK: No Alex, I can't run away. It's my duty as reporter to ask the hard hitting questions. And I'm gonna ask you, Carly Plunk, the hard hitting questions. First question: what kind of menu will you have your Michelin restaurant? And how will people eat the tires?

CARLY: Oh wha?

DEREK: Question the second, if this is a day spa why is there a hotel? Why does anyone need to stay overnight?

CARLY: What?

DEREK: Question C, what's a Rubber Johnny. Does it have something with fishing? Because he mentioned tackle.

CARLY: How old you again?

DEREK: I'm asking the questions here!

CARLY: Well this interview is over. I'm sorry, I'm rich. I'm not used to being held accountable for my actions. Tiffin, come!

{Caption: LIVE INTERVIEW: Carly Plunk - No Longer Being Interviewed} TIFFIN: What? Already?

DEREK: Well there you have it Graham and Alex. Some suspicious fishing activity going on at the Baskerville mystery mansion, and I need to get to the bottom of this murky lake. Back to you.

G-MONEY: I feel like he narrowly avoided something there, but I'm not entirely sure what.

A-TRAIN: I think they call it a "posh knobbing".

G-MONEY: I think Edith brought us a dozen posh knobbings from the Norwegian Bakery, they're in the break room.

A-TRAIN: Oh are those the cream-filled ones?

G-MONEY: Yeah.

A-TRAIN: Be right back Graham.

G-MONEY: Er, well, that's fine. That takes us almost up to the break. When we come back, the Nsburg High theatre program is ready to wrap up the school year with their musical adaptation of the 1987 Action-adventure Comedy Ishtar.

A-TRAIN: Oh, is that why there was the run on sand last week?

G-MONEY: Indeed, and thanks to the success of last month's bake sale Eunice Van Fleet won't have to wear that inflatable T-Rex suit to play the camel.

A-TRAIN: Shame.

G-MONEY: Yeah I thought so too but, it's the director's vision, what can you do? And also tryouts for Little League Sideball will be held this week at the Raster Heights Sideball oval, all positions are being filled; including team medic, orthodontist, pad fumigator, and orthopedic surgeon.

A-TRAIN: What do you think they're going to put in second-turnstyle this year.

G-MONEY: Judging from the turnout a Tuff Brudder, they might be able to use actual children this year.

A-TRAIN: Hardcore.

G-MONEY: I know right? Stick around everyone, more QWERPline after this.

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor ...

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ANNOUNCER: ... Shogi Yogi Perogi Hoagie. A delicious new fusion of flavour from the Shogi Yogi. The Shogi Yogi Perogi Hoagie, available in beef veal and dogie.