Qwerpline Ep24 - Poet Laureate Transcript

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Transcript for Qwerpline Ep24 - Poet Laureate

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...

{Graphic: Herb Derbin’s Urban Turban}

ANNOUNCER: ... Herb Derbin's Urban Turban. The bitching new head wrap to protect your noggin from the dangers of the city. It's Herb Derbin's Urban Turban, the turban you'll look superb in.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Good morning Nsberg. It's Big G-Money here with A-train. How's it going Alex?

A-TRAIN: Ah, my spoons too big.

G-MONEY: I think there's a smaller one in the break room.

A-TRAIN: Really.

G-MONEY: I don't know, you can check it out after the show. Which I'm glad everyone is listening to and hoping you're having a great day out there and beautiful Nsburg: "Half A Dozen of Another"

{Graphic: Town slogan}

A-TRAIN: I'm gonna need an explanation for that one.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: It's pretty simple. It's another example of fine Nsburg Tourism Board clerical errors, where someone put a return on the spreadsheet instead of a comma. I don't know why they keep using it. It was briefly popular in 1963 and now we're here.

A-TRAIN: Can we do the news?

G-MONEY: And now the news.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-MONEY: The Nsburg Society for Creative Anachronism has now moved on to 1950s.

{Graphic: Society for Creative Anachronism}

G-MONEY: And SCA president, now operating under the moniker Johnny Rocco, will be leading a bottle fight on the wrong side of the tracks.

A-TRAIN: Which side is that?

G-MONEY: Whichever side Johnny Rocco is on. And the Chuzzler will be on hand to give a workshop on re-leading your gasoline, though on site you will need to refer to him by his SCA name: Cash Tailfins.

A-TRAIN: Real sticklers for accuracy those SCA folk.

G-MONEY: Yes indeed and in other news, at long last and after much work from the Geological Society, Old Blowy the Thurpston geyser has finally released its pressure.

{Graphic: Geyser Watch 2016}

G-MONEY: Now that the last impotent dribbles have finally exited Old Blowy's opening, the park will be closed for a couple of months so it can crust over again.

A-TRAIN: I was a disappointed, now I'm grossed out.

G-MONEY: Mother nature is truly a beautiful and terrifying force. Speaking of which, we go down to Summer Intern Derek, on location at the Dragons Landing Comic and Game store for an interview with a local game creator. Take it away Derek.

{Graphic: Dragons Landing Gaming and Comics}

DEREK: Hi Graham, Hi Alex. I'm really excited to be back here now at the Dragons Landing. They were closed for like two weeks after that riot following the pog tournament, but I'm back here, I've got a new stack I can't wait to get a few games in before the end of the day.

A-TRAIN: Put your slammer down and do your job.

DEREK: Oh, right, the interview. That's why you guys were going to reimburse me for bus fare today.

A-TRAIN: We weren't, but go ahead.

DEREK: Ladies and gentlemen of Nsburg, it's me, Derek, here at the Dragon's Landing, interviewing local game developer Klaus D'Abrucio.

KLAUS D'ABRUCIO: It is nice to talk to you.

DEREK: Thanks Klaus. I hear that so rarely. It's nice to talk to you too. Now you've been working on a new game called Friendship Island.

{Graphic: Friendship Island}

KLAUS: Yes. Friendship Island is a departure from the more adult games I have made before, like Guillotine Railway ...

{Graphic: Guillotine Railway}

KLAUS: And Serfs Up, the game of human ownership.

{Graphic: Serfs Up}

KLAUS: I felt like it was time to move away from the mature themes and make something for the children.

{Graphic: Friendship Island}

DEREK: And what an amazing game it is too. You have these little intricate wooden pieces and a really thick rulebook and I'm sure that would be really interesting to read. Um, but I don't see any dice though.

KLAUS: Dice can be a choking hazard for children, which is why the last 12 pages of the rulebook are an extensive appendix where the children can cross-reference their probabilities of success.

DEREK: Oh like an existential pop-ematic bubble.

KLAUS: No like a reference table as I described.

DEREK: I'm paying through you rule book now and as seems as there's an awful lot of tables.

KLAUS: Yes you need the second one to hold most of the components while you play on the primary table.

{Laugh break}

DEREK: Oh, that's very clever Klaus. Well on the box it says the game supports between 4 and 12 children. That's an unusual number. Why don't you lead us through a couple of rounds of play?

KLAUS: I appreciate your eagerness Derek but before actual turns can begin, there is much preparation to do. Roles must be assigned. One child is assigned the role of banker. They do not play.

DEREK: That doesn't sound very fun. Are they just left out of the game?

KLAUS: Oh not at all. Every three turns and alternating fifth turns, they set insurance rates for the rest of the players.

DEREK: How would a child know how to do that?

KLAUS: The starting rate is determined by the actuarial phase. It is completed before the game begins and then, during play, market forces interceded guide their hand.

DEREK: Actuarial phase? How long does that take?

KLAUS: No longer than one business day.

DEREK: I guess it's important to be devoted towards the games you play. Klaus, I've been looking through volume one of this rule book, which is a little disconcerting, but there are some tables in here that haven't been completed. Was this a printing error?

KLAUS: No Derek, that was very much intentional. I do not know who will be playing my game and it cannot be up to me to dictate their socio-economic factors.

DEREK: Okay. I guess I can go get one of my old math textbooks to help. How do we know who wins? When did players get eliminated from the game?

KLAUS: Oh this is not a competitive game. This is cooperative. Every player must stay through the end of the game; unless, of course, they apply for a formal dismissal. That's why it's called Friendship Island.

DEREK: Who do they apply to?

KLAUS: A subcommittee of the other players.

DEREK: Who determines the subcommittee?

KLAUS: A quorum.

DEREK: How many people do you need for a quorum?

KLAUS: Between four to twelve players.

A-TRAIN: Well Derek, for once you're not the thing giving me a headache. How do you have them move the pieces around for a little bit. It'll make things more interesting.

KLAUS: I suppose for the benefit of the radio we could forego the proper set up and simulate a typical turn.

DEREK: Okay well then I call the blue piece.

KLAUS: You do not call pieces. They are disseminated by committee. Also that piece is cerulean.

DEREK: Well according to the third index table, indicated for cerulean, on this turn I land at the Swiss Horology Institute. Whoo what happened?

KLAUS: Economic pressure dictates that you are undergoing a career change that will last for the rest of your life.

DEREK: But I love working at the radio station.

KLAUS: Life is a series of disappointments my young friend.

DEREK: I'm 19.

KLAUS: While your profession is now locked, you randomly choose your outcome from the deck of cards.

DEREK: Cancer. Well, life is a series of disappointments.

KLAUS: Keep reading the card. It is chronic myelogenous leukemia, and this was caught early. It is manageable.

DEREK: Well. then what happens to me?

KLAUS: Nothing but the other players take an annualized 4.5% earnings is penalty.

DEREK: Why?!

KLAUS: It's Friendship Island.

DEREK: Okay, er, thanks Klaus. Graham and Alex according to this table I'm going to be here for the next earnings quarter while I determine when I'm going to take my next turn. Back to you in the studio.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Thank you Derek, and thank you Klaus for making me question a lot of things. And who better to help me get out of this tedium than Edith Slump who's in Studio B talking-

AUTOMATED VOICE: Hello. You have a collect call from-

RICHTER HAMMOCKSLAM: Hello Graham.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Will you accept the charges?

G-MONEY: What?

A-TRAIN: What?!

G-MONEY: Gus are you serious right now.

{Sound effect: whoop-ding}

A-TRAIN: Gus!

G-MONEY: Well you have the phone, you got to push it. Well accept it then. Okay. Hi Richter, how are things in Dubai?

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

A-TRAIN: Talk fast.

RICHTER: Well Alex from where I sit traffic is moving smoothly down the E-11 towards the Dubai World Trade Center. However if you are coming up via the E-66 you may encounter a three-car pileup involving two Lamborghinis and a Maserati.

G-MONEY: Holy crap, two Lamborghinis? What are the odds?

RICHTER: Graham, this is Dubai. The odds are much higher than you might think. Why yesterday I just saw a two Veyron T-bone off the E-44.

A-TRAIN: Richter, why are you only doing your job halfway around the world?

RICHTER: I only get 40 hours of vacation time a year, Alex. And unlike some people I take pride in my work. Traffic is a global menace.

A-TRAIN: Now so are you Richter.

RICHTER: In all honesty though, I look forward to coming back to great Nsburg. Unfortunately because of the height of the architecture here, the levels of oxygen are much lower than what I am used to back home.

G-MONEY: Richter that's not how that works.

RICHTER: Or is it Graham? Which one of us is flying the highest at this moment?

A-TRAIN: I'm prepared to concede this one to you.

G-MONEY: Actually also where did you get a helicopter.

RICHTER: Dubai is a land of opportunity Graham, and I seized the opportunity to take a helicopter from the Burj Khalifa's helipad.

G-MONEY: Oh look at that we're out of minutes on our long-distance card. We'll just have to let you go.

RICHTER: Enscala Graham.

A-TRAIN: Yes?

G-MONEY: No?

A-TRAIN: Sure.

G-MONEY: Sure. Well now it's time for the arts. Our own Edith slump is over in Studio B to interviewing Nsburg's new Poet Laureate.

{Graphic: It's the Arts}

EDITH SLUMP: Thank You Graham. Edith Slump here, QWRP arts reporter, with a very exciting interview that I'm sure our listeners have been waiting on tenterhooks for. I have the Nsburg Poet Laureate Torren Smithe Wimple-Smithe here to read some of his new poetry. Welcome Torren.

{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Torren Smithe Wimple-Smithe - Nsburg Poet Laureate}

TORREN SMITHE WIMPLE-SMITHE: Thank You Edith, it's a pleasure to be on here and have my work heard by all the city.

EDITH: Before you start reading your poetry could you tell us a little bit about the position of Nsburg's Poet Laureate?

TORREN: Oh it's a very solemn position to be the Poet Laureate. I'm, I'm honored actually. My job for the next year is to write the poetry that exposes the inner struggle of what it means to be Nsburgian.

EDITH: Are there any subject matters that you will be probing into?

TORREN: my speciality is more along the lines of highlighting the inanimacy of objects within our fair city, allowing people to feel what they feel, for they cannot feel it themselves.

EDITH: Oh yes, the perspective of inanimate objects has long been missed from Nsburg's poetry output. Maybe you could read a few stanzas of your poem "Ode to Richard Thurpston's lower-half: An Unfinished Sonnet for An Unfinished Statue".

TORREN: What once was to be a man is now but half

filled not with warmth

energy but tepid water

and Thrum leavings

you stand above us

but only out lower half

may you rise like a phoenix

but not too hot you might melt and become part

of the plinth upon which you stand.

EDITH: What a breathtaking metaphor for the folly of the municipal planning department.

{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Torren Smithe Wimple-Smithe - Has opinions about statues}

TORREN: If only you could see it the way I do on a page. It's typographical. It looks like a pair of pants.

EDITH: I would expect nothing less from Nsburg's Poet Laureate. Moving on one of my favorite poems that you've written. It's an older piece. It's "An Ode to the Raccoons of Nsburg". Would you mind gracing our listeners with a few stanzas.

TORREN: Yes. I call this one "King Raccoon".

Through the dark streets you strut

Lording over us with your big body

So striped, so fuzzy

Yet so wet as you emerge from the pools of our desires

{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Torren Smithe Wimple-Smithe - Making an uncomfortable metaphor}

Signifying the Rite of Spring

And then, as you draw a last your breath on this earth

You perish into a box to become what knows you maybe

For the next generation

Recycling.

EDITH: I love the use of raccoon as a metaphor for sexual desire in that poem, not only because we are frequently overrun with raccoons babies in the spring, but because it's a truly human emotion it can only be properly captured through an animal's eyes.

TORREN: While I appreciate that everyone is free to interpret poetry in their own way, my poems are quite literal.

{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Torren Smithe Wimple-Smithe - Quite Literal}

EDITH: My apologies I had you mistaken for a much more sensual creature.

TORREN: Is there's something between us I'm not quite getting here?

EDITH: I was just talking about poetry, but there could be. Greg and I are on a break right now.

TORREN: Well let me read for you then something from my more amorous works.

My love for you is like a truck

Shiny and red

Speeding down the highway

Towards what knows may come

Oh no it is a house

You can't go through the house truck

And yet you do

Speeding, crashing

Causing untold damage

Insurance will be massive

But the owner strangely passive

As you pass through his home

And go beyond

To where the road no longer touches

Berserker.

EDITH: Torren, since I have already misinterpreted your poems once, I would hate to do it again over the air. Perhaps you could guide me through the meaning of that last one. Was it a metaphor for the emotional release of a truly intimate connection between two lovers? Or was it just about boning?

TORREN: It's actually about a man I saw who drove a truck through a house in the middle of a road outside of town.

EDITH: Oh was it the spite house?

TORREN: That's the one.

{Laugh break}

TORREN: But regardless. Whatever may be passing between us will have to wait, for the position of Poet Laureate is one that is a solemn, solemn duty to this city. I could not take my attention, nor my emotions, off of my poetry for but one minute.

EDITH: While I realize that the one-year term and the $200 bursary provided to the Nsburg Poet Laureate do mean the certain amount of care and attention needs to be paid, I will remind you that I'm got some sort of day-old bakery confection that you can just put back on a shelf and assume no one will wanted it. Edith Slump is a fresh croissant, a sensual being desired by many. Blink and it will be gone.

TORREN: Edith, your dry crusty exterior belies your buttery warmth within. Wait for me.

EDITH: Oh Torren. Graham could I put through a call to the Taco Shack? I need to talk to Greg immediately.

G-MONEY: So first, you can use the pay phone in the lobby. Second, the window between studios is completely fogged up, knock it off.

EDITH: What can I say I'm a passionate patron of the arts and spring is in the air. I'm only human Graham.

A-TRAIN: Well something's in the air and I'm glad the windows are keeping it out of our studio.

TORREN: I'm very sorry that may just be my nasal spray. It's prescription I have a poem about prescriptions if you'd like to hear it.

EDITH: I'd love to hear it.

G-MONEY: Please no.

{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Torren Smithe Wimple-Smithe - Make it stop}

TORREN: Take one Daily

Take with water

Maybe large

Take wet

Take deep

Take with food

Avoid alcohol

Do not operate

”Heavy machinery.”

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Nope! Nope nope nope nope nope, we're done. I'm done, you're done, the listeners are done. That whole thing is done. Where was I?

A-TRAIN: Done.

G-MONEY: Right, done. Yes. Hey we're almost up to the break. That's great. When we come back the Berg Scouts, in association with the Scale-model Club, are holding a fundraiser to build a 3 to 1 scale replica of the Ben Hur chariot race, so if you have any money or pallets of popsicle sticks, please contact Scout Leader Dan.

{Graphic: Berg Scouts}

A-TRAIN: There's a lot of room on the Chumble Floodplains, isn't there?

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Not for much longer. Also coming up, the results of the Nsburg Flower Count are back and they're not good. Find your betting stubs.

A-TRAIN: Are they that bad?

G-MONEY: Well, not bad so much is a massive outlier. Maybe butter up Jimmy down at the Town Hall for a refund.

A-TRAIN: But don't hold your breath.

G-MONEY: Stick around QWERPline after this.

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor ...

{Graphic: Herb Derbin’s Urban Turban}

ANNOUNCER: ... Herb Derbin's Urban Turban. The bitching new head wrap to protect your noggin from dangers of the city. Herb Derbin's Urban Turban, I only have so much time to get my blurb in.