Qwerpline Ep20 - Dog Balls Transcript

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Transcript for Qwerpline Ep20 - Dog Balls

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline week is brought to you by ...

{Graphic: Hysterical Clerical Miracle}

ANNOUNCER: ... Hysterical Clerical Miracle. If you're long suffering from anhedonia, our Vatican scientists have developed a cure for your pleasure dissociative orgasmic disorder. The Historical Clerical Miracle, results are empirical.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Good morning Nsburg welcome to QWERPline. It's your friend's, Big G-Money here with A-Train. How's it going Alex?

A-TRAIN: Wadeshiwa totemo genkai?

G-MONEY: What?

A-TRAIN: It's Japanese. I read it off a package of Kansai okonomiyaki.

G-MONEY: What, what does it mean?

A-TRAIN: Hell if I know.

G-MONEY: Well, so totemo genkai to you too then, I guess.

A-TRAIN: What did you just say to me?

G-MONEY: I don't know. But, hey, hopefully everyone out there is having a beautiful morning in scenic Nsburg: "It's all happening all at once".

{Graphic: Nsburg slogan}

A-TRAIN: Indeed it never stopped keep happening.

G-MONEY: Indeed it always keep happening forever. And all we can hope for is that it never stop happen. And now the news.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-MONEY: The Harvest Festival Constitutional Congress' annual attempt to overthrow Harvest Queen Agatha failed this week, as is tradition. Spectators gathered on Tuesday to watch their traditional protest action of backing a dump truck of Folgers crystals into the town square fountain.

A-TRAIN: Well they say the best part of backing up is Folgers in your truck.

G-MONEY: I don't think they do say that, but if anyone in town is looking for a real bad cup of coffee there's still plenty left.

A-TRAIN: Yeah there's going to be a month's supply there but the line is dwindling.

{Graphic: Nsburg Elementary School}

G-MONEY: And in other Nsburg Elementary is fundraising for their cross-country ski trip and social studies excursion to the Maginot Line.

A-TRAIN: Put out that light.

G-MONEY: So if you have any old skis, helmets, poles, klister, interwar munitions, maps or enthusiasm for cross-country skiing across Central Europe. That last one is at an all-time low at the elementary school. So please give generously.

A-TRAIN: Seems appropriate considering enthusiasm was rationed during the war.

{Graphic: News}

G-MONEY: On what side?

A-TRAIN: Well only one side. That was the problem with the Maginot Line.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Speaking of the past we jump now over to Studio B where local Nsburg historian Bertha Berpwinter is here to tell us about the exciting history of Berg's cellars and she's being interviewed by ... we have a caller why'd why now Gus? I'm throwing - fine then. Hello.

{Graphic: Let's go to the Phones}

RICHARD THERPSTON III: Hello is this the QWRP clown car.

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Richard Therpston III}

G-MONEY: No Dick, Jimmy James isn't on until after the gardening show.

RICHARD: You will address me as Mr. Therpston.

G-MONEY: Well caller you're live on the air with QWRP. Are you trying to talk to aldersman Alex by chance?

A-TRAIN: Nope I'm going to Michael's.

{Sound Effect: footsteps}

MICHAEL O'LEARY: Alex, what a surprise. Come in and join me for some sous-vide.

A-TRAIN: I am so down that asshole from the Pipesmen called in...

G-MONEY: Ok bye Alex.

{Caption added: Ralph - Secret Pipesmen}

RALPH: No sir we're trying to address the public getting support for our train.

G-MONEY: Yeah that's probably why Alex is left.

RICHARD: No you imbecile. We have a new one, a proof of concept, if you will.

RALPH: A mass transit system. A way for people to get for point A to point B at a reasonable cost in a short time and a way to prove to the people Nsburg that were able to run this sort of infrastructure for you.

G-MONEY: But it's not a train.

RICHARD: Not yet.

RALPH: Not, not in its current form, which is a series of rigid inflatable boats or zodiacs.

G-MONEY: Zodiacs is in boats? Some kind of Shaughnessy River water taxi?

RALPH: That's a good idea but that only works if you want to go between point A and point B, and point A and B are both on the Shaughnessy river.

RICHARD: What do you want to get to the D or the F?

G-MONEY: I assume you asked real nice?

RALPH: For that we need to go underground at last the parts there underneath people's driveways.

RICHARD: Thanks to the shakeout to the property lottery, we have sovereignty over the entire East Sump Acres culvert grid.

RALPH: And we've turned that culvert grid into a functioning aquatic transit network.

{Graphic: Secret Pipesmen Aquatic Transit Network}


RALPH: Well surely you must know about the traffic problems in the city.

G-MONEY: Would you believe I actually know very little about the traffic in this city.

RALPH: Morning rush-hour in East Sump Acres is just gridlock. But what if you got out of the gridlock and got into the lock grit and then move the water between those locks and flow effortlessly to your destination at a reasonable price?

RICHARD: Seven shillings, one-way, non-refundable, exact change only.

G-MONEY: That sounds great but what if your destination isn't on the East Sump Acres culvert grid. For example the rest of Nsburg.

RALPH: Well East Sump Acres watershed extends from the Discount Fruit Tent all the way to Flat Hill but we need to go farther and to do that we're gonna need something else.

RICHARD: A train, you nitwit. Give me my train.

G-MONEY: Wow before we give you a train how has this water taxi network. Been working have you been keeping a good schedule? Have there been any rider complaints? Have there been any casualties?

RALPH: No casualties, no.

G-MONEY: What if you count beavers?

RALPH: 17 casualties.

G-MONEY: Yeah see that's not the kind of track record that would lead to you getting a track record.

{Graphic and captions return}

RICHARD: Oh you've got jokes now very droll. I want that train.

G-MONEY: Okay we're done here. Well listeners, if you have outdated English currency and a thirst for cholera, try the Secret Pipesmen's culvert taxis I guess.

RALPH: If you need to get from the Yurt Collective to the Chums 24 minutes or less, we're are your people.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Alex you can come back now.

A-TRAIN: You're right the dry aging really does help.

MICHAEL: Thank you. Is it my turn to be on yet?

A-TRAIN: No, no you're on after the break. Is he gone?

G-MONEY: Yeah they're gone.

A-TRAIN: What did I miss?

G-MONEY: Well do you desperately need to get from the Yurt Collective to the Chums?

A-TRAIN: Ew no. Why?

G-MONEY: Don't worry about it.

A-TRAIN: Well I am now.

G-MONEY: Well it looks like Bertha Burpwinter got bored and went home. So speaking of the face Alex just made when he was talking about the Chums, we go now to Rictor Hammockslam up in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter for a traffic update. How's it going up there Richter?

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Richter Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}

RICHTER HAMMOCKSLAM: Wise men say, only fools rush in. But I can't help falling in love with you.

G-MONEY: Whoa what you wait what are we doing that's not traffic today?

RICHTER: Shall I stay, would it be a sin. For I can't help falling in love with you.

A-TRAIN: Is he talking to us?

G-MONEY: I have no idea.

RICHTER: Way to harsh my mojo you two. Thanks for ruining my beautiful love song to my sweet.

A-TRAIN: I got a whole lot of questions, but it's just gonna take the form of what?

RICHTER: Love Alex I've fallen in love, and your ears are not worthy to hear that sweetness it is her name.

G-MONEY: So then you're in love with the current traffic conditions?

RICHTER: Like the traffic flows yearning to be free, my vow so it goes, this report is not meant to be.

A-TRAIN: Let's play a game Richter if you wanted to get to your loves house, how easy would it be given current traffic conditions?

RICHTER: I would fly to her on loves wings also the blades of my helicopter.

G-MONEY: Okay, okay cool. Hypothetical, what if you were in a car?

RICHTER: Why the hell would I do that?

A-TRAIN: How about as an exercise, a thought experiment? You know love makes us do funny things.

RICHTER: Well if too were bound to Earth's gravity, I would drive 500 miles and I would drive 500 more.

G-MONEY: Okay go with me on this journey. You want to get something delivered to your love place, like flowers, or chocolate, or whatever you're into, I don't need to know. What route would you suggest does the delivery person take if you wanted them to get there right away? Would you suggested they go you know around the Chumble Floodplain? Maybe there's a backup on highway 3? Anything.

RICHTER: Oh I'd avoid the third exit on the Cloverleaf and take the backroads.

G-MONEY: Great thanks. Everyone, do your best with that.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

A-TRAIN: We got real close that time.

G-MONEY: Yeah we - Ah damn it, that means I lost to Edith in the traffic pool.

A-TRAIN: She only bet four months.

G-MONEY: Yeah she's real optimistic. Oh and speaking of eternal optimism, we go now to Summer Intern Derek, who is down with the organizers of the annual policemen's dogs ball.

{Graphic: Live on Location}

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}

DEREK: Hi Graham, Hi Alex. I'm so excited you sent me down here. I love dogs but I never get to play with them cuz my dad let me keep you at home but now there's all these dogs around me and they are like so cute as I'm just gonna...

{Graphic: Nsburg Policemen's Dogs Ball}

G-MONEY AND A-TRAIN: Whoa, whoa slow down there Derek, easy, easy.

G-MONEY: Hey Derek calm yourself and please report on the event also you probably shouldn't touch the police dogs if they're on duty.

DEREK: No no, there's no duty here it's very clean down here, they've been taken care of the property quite nicely. Listeners it's me Derek I'm the summer intern at QWRP FM and I've been sent to review the Nsburg police dogs ball. And let me tell you it's wonderful down here. I've seen a lot of dog balls but this one's clearly the best.

G-MONEY: Derek I'm going to um ...

A-TRAIN: Do we just tell him?

G-MONEY: Yeah could you ... hey how about you explain what the event is about.

DEREK: Sure thing Graham. The Nsburg police dodgeball is a grand institution and tonight's soiree is a fantastical cornucopia of wonder.

G-MONEY: And what is it?

DEREK: Well they dance. All the policemen bring their dogs down here and the dogs have been taught through their training to dance with each other. And it's very cute but sometimes they party a little too much and it runs a little long. And then they get a whole bunch of phone calls to cut off the dog ball. Graham did you know that Nsburg known for holding dog balls?

G-MONEY: How many how many canine fundraising events do we hold in Nsburg?

DEREK: At last count there were seven which seems like an unusual number.

G-MONEY: Can you describe what spectators might be enjoying if they come and visit?

DEREK: Certainly all the dogs are dressed up in cute little costumes. Some of them are wearing tuxedos and some are in ball gowns. Now you think a dog ball might smell but that's not the case. A-TRAIN: Derek!

DEREK: No they have a firm cleanliness rules every dig ball smell has been fantastic.

G-MONEY: So, Derek ...

DEREK: And you should see the buffet. There's treats and snacks and I know people were concerned that this year was going to be a dry dog well after things got out of hand last year but let me assure you listeners this dog ball is wet and there's plenty to nibble on.

A-TRAIN: Derek!

DEREK: They're even catering for the owners this year. It's mostly finger food but they brought in a roaster, so you can get like peanuts and pistachios and I even had a mouthful of hot nuts earlier.

A-TRAIN: Derek!

DEREK: Oh wait guys I got to go the first dance is started and the owners have invited me to participate but if I don't get there quick I won't have my pick up bitches. I'll see you later.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Well really seems like, Gus stopped laughing in my earpiece, really seems like Derek's a big fan of dog balls.

A-TRAIN: You don't gotta keep saying it!

G-MONEY: And we've rolled right on up to the break. When we come back Edith Slump is going to be interviewing the organizers of the 1986 Christmas parade to see if they have anything new for this year.

EDITH SLUMP: Spoilers: they don't.

A-TRAIN: GAH! Have you been sitting there the whole time?

EDITH: No, I was at Michael's having tri-tip. It was divine.

G-MONEY: And the Frankel had meteor shower is on tonight, so head on over to Frank's house and hopefully he'll keep the porch light off this time.

A-TRAIN: Why is it only over his house.

G-MONEY: Magnet, dark forces, who knows?

A-TRAIN: He does have that copper roof and those cursed ancestors.

G-MONEY: Oh that's probably it then.

A-TRAIN: Yeah.

G-MONEY: Stick around folks more QWERPline right after this. ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. Once again to our sponsors ...

{Graphic: Hysterical Clerical Miracle}

ANNOUNCER: ... Hysterical Clerical Miracle. If you're long suffering from anhedonia, our Vatican scientist to develop the cure for your pleasure dissociative orgasmic disorder. Hysterical Clerical Miracle, our clients are panegyrical.