Qwerpline Ep14 - High & Dry Transcript

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Transcript for Qwerpline Ep14 - High & Dry

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

ANNOUNCER: You're listed to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...

{Graphic: Random Phantom Bantam}

ANNOUNCER: ... Random Phantom Bantam. Spook the foxes from your chicken coop with our award-winning selections of ghost chickens out of nowhere. The Random Phantom Bantam tried two in tandem.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Good morning Nsburg and welcome to QWERPline. Big G-Money here with A-Train. How's it going Alex?

A-TRAIN: Oh I'm just gruntled today.

G-MONEY: That's ... should ... is that should you get that checked out? Is that, is that bad?

A-TRAIN: Uh no is it?

G-MONEY: Is it?

A-TRAIN: Is it?

G-MONEY: I don't know.

A-TRAIN: Do the throw and I'll text my doctor.

G-MONEY: Okay, well, hopefully everyone else is ... not having to text their doctor here today in beautiful Nsburg: "Rolling Hills and Folding Valleys".

{Graphic: town slogan}

{Laugh break}

BEEJ: That sounds disgusting.

A-TRAIN: Well that actually sounds kind of unpleasant.

G-MONEY: Yeah, they don't use that one as much anymore.

A-TRAIN: No idea why.

G-MONEY: Even less idea why they asked me to use it today. And now the news.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-MONEY: It's spring in Nsburg time once again for the Big Pig Fuck-off over at the old Nsburg Farmers Market.

{Graphic: The Big Pig Fuck-off}

A-TRAIN: It's exactly what it sounds like.

{Laugh break}

A-TRAIN: It's exactly what it sounds like, get a whole lot of sows in there and whoever sires the most heirs wins.

G-MONEY: Whichever hog s...

A-TRAIN: Hog, yes, yes.

G-MONEY: Okay, good. What originally began as a cooperative breeding initiative amongst Thurpston County farmers to promote strong stock among their pig drifts is now, of course, a much beloved annual family event and betting opportunity.

A-TRAIN: Yeah everybody is always so excited every year until they show up and remember exactly what actually happens.

G-MONEY: Have you heard this year's slogan?

A-TRAIN: Sure have. Wish I hadn't.

G-MONEY: Well for the benefit of those listening at home and because I'm required to: "Come on down to the Big Pig Fuck-off. A pit full of muck filled with fuck".

A-TRAIN: Did the Tourism Board come up with that one?

{Graphic: News}

G-MONEY: It wouldn't surprise me. In other news and more pleasant spring events, it is also time for the annual flower count and drink off. As always the challenge will be how quickly they can count the flowers before getting so wasted they have to start over.

{Graphic: Flower Count & Drink Contest}

A-TRAIN: Mike Tweety set a record of 150 last year before he fell into the Shaughnessy River.

G-MONEY: Yeah, that was amazing.

A-TRAIN: I miss Mike.

G-MONEY: That's the Nsburg flower count and drink off, sponsored this year by Heathstones famous hard liquor: For Goodness Sake.

{Graphic: For Goodness Sake}

A-TRAIN: I tell you I've never had anything that wet and dry at the same time.

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

G-MONEY: Speaking of being caught high and dry, it's time to go now to Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP Repeater Antenna on the outskirts of Lesser Miami, where the QWRP parade blimp mercifully crashed over a week ago. How you holding up there Richter?

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Richter Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}

RICHTER HAMMOCKSLAM: Hello Graham, broadcasting to you not quite alive from the crystal gondola of the palatial QWRP parade blimp. This is my third hallucination from dehydration and there doesn't appear to be an end in sight.

A-TRAIN: So do you want to come down now?

RICHTER: Well Alex, I would love to, except for the fact that raiding parties seem to keep coming up the tower with axes, in an attempt to take my life.

A-TRAIN: To save your life Richter!

G-MONEY: That was the Volunteer Fire Department. We sent them to rescue you. And the For-Profit Fire Department. We paid them handsomely to rescue.

RICHTER: Well that explains 2 of those dehydration hallucinations that I had, which I have handily fought off with my remaining water and urine.

A-TRAIN: You ... Yeah, both fire departments will put up with a lot of stuff, but not that apparently.

RICHTER: Well you go to war, not with the weapons you want, but with the weapons you were born with. Which in my case is a strong flow and a heavy conscience.

G-MONEY: Richter, how much spare water was on the blimp?

RICHTER: A lot more than you might think Graham. The QWRP parade blimp is extremely buoyant and requires a massive amount of ballast.

A-TRAIN: I'm no aviation expert but I'm pretty sure that ballast is not potable, Richter.

RICHTER: Of course it's portable Alex. I flew here.

G-MONEY: Richter, could you describe your supposed third hallucination?

RICHTER: Picture, if you will, a cadre of rotund bandits, with masked faces, gnashing their teeth, ready, coming for the kill.

G-MONEY: Alex are there a lot of raccoons on the outskirts of lesser Miami?

A-TRAIN: Hundreds.

G-MONEY: Hmm.

A-TRAIN: And now we know where they all are.

RICHTER: That's a relief. If I've been able to fight off 2 sets of bandits already, I can surely take a pack of raccoons and bag enough to make my house payment for a year.

G-MONEY: Well Richter, whenever you're done killing raccoons don't forget that if all these people can climb up the, tower you can climb down. Whenever you want. Joy's been asking about you.

RICHTER: That's some very down-to-earth advice Graham and I will take it under consideration. Back to you.

A-TRAIN: Well I hope he remembers how nourishing raccoon blood is.

G-MONEY: Is it?

A-TRAIN: Is it?

G-MONEY: Is it?

A-TRAIN: Is it?

G-MONEY: I don't know.

A-TRAIN: I'm gonna text the recycling center.

G-MONEY: And now some exciting news from the Chamber of Commerce.

A-TRAIN: Who can apparently just do stuff like this.

G-MONEY: Yeah. They've decided to introduce a sister city for Nsburg.

A-TRAIN: That nobody asked for.

G-MONEY: And they've sent a delegate here to meet the aldersman.

{Graphic: Live in the Studio}

A-TRAIN: Fantastic. Well, welcome to the studio miss ... I actually don't have anything written down here. What is your name?

OLD COUNTRY LADY: Mine.

A-TRAIN: Oh here we go.

G-MONEY: Oh boy.

A-TRAIN: So, what city are you representing?

OLD COUNTRY LADY: Mine.

G-MONEY: Oh ok, can we narrow this down. Where, where is this city or the country?

OLD COUNTRY LADY: Old Country.

G-MONEY: Yeah that makes a lot of sense.

A-TRAIN: Where all the old recipes are.

OLD COUNTRY LADY: Yes.

G-MONEY: I am led to understand from my notes that you're here to present aldersman Alex with a gift from your city.

OLD COUNTRY LADY: No.

A-TRAIN: Really? Is there a typo on the notes?

OLD COUNTRY LADY: No. Old country joke. Ha.

A-TRAIN: So you do have something?

OLD COUNTRY LADY: Yes.

A-TRAIN: Is it, by any chance, jam?

OLD COUNTRY LADY: No.

G-MONEY: Really? I'm legitimately surprised.

A-TRAIN: Same.

OLD COUNTRY LADY: I give you aspic.

A-TRAIN: I beg your pardon?

OLD COUNTRY LADY: Aspic.

A-TRAIN: What?? Like the meat jelly?

OLD COUNTRY LADY: Yes.

G-MONEY: Gross. What flavor of aspic?

OLD COUNTRY LADY: Ass.

A-TRAIN: What do you mean ass?

OLD COUNTRY LADY: Mine. Donkey flavor aspic.

A-TRAIN: Really?

OLD COUNTRY LADY: Yes I haul ass from old country.

{Laugh break}

G-MONEY: Wow. Um, hey was it a quick flight?

OLD COUNTRY LADY: No. 4 layovers. O'hare is a hell hole.

G-MONEY: So it's not close by, the old country.

OLD COUNTRY LADY: No.

A-TRAIN: Ok wait, I've got an idea. What's the primary export of the old country?

OLD COUNTRY LADY: Mine.

G-MONEY: Your country's biggest export is jam?

OLD COUNTRY LADY: No, fool. Country's biggest export coal.

G-MONEY: Coal.

A-TRAIN: Oh from the mine.

OLD COUNTRY LADY: Yes. Open-pit.

A-TRAIN: What kind of pit?

OLD COUNTRY LADY: Mine.

G-MONEY: Gus is telling me that the Chamber of Commerce would like you to, as a gesture of good faith, try the aspic.

A-TRAIN: Gus. I don't believe you.

OLD COUNTRY LADY: You, you eat. Are rich in nutrients and ass.

A-TRAIN: I sometimes really resent this job. Okay. It's really good.

OLD COUNTRY LADY: Of course. Old country recipe.

A-TRAIN: What else is in this aspic?

OLD COUNTRY LADY: Ash.

A-TRAIN: From the coal, right?

OLD COUNTRY LADY: No.

G-MONEY: What's the ash from?

OLD COUNTRY LADY: Hoof ash.

A-TRAIN: Ew.

OLD COUNTRY LADY: Nose-to-tail eating. Whole beast. Slow food movement, very popular.

A-TRAIN: Well your ass jelly, while gritty, tastes great, so thank you.

OLD COUNTRY LADY: That's why. I haul ass. Nsburg ass inferior. A-TRAIN: Yes often thought that.

OLD COUNTRY LADY: Never put Nsburg ass in mouth.

G-MONEY: Okay well thank you so much ... You ... Welcome and please say hi to everyone at Nsburg's sister city, wherever the hell that is.

OLD COUNTRY LADY: Old country.

G-MONEY: Yeah, yeah. We know.

OLD COUNTRY LADY: 4 layovers.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: And now let's go over, please, to our summer intern Derek, who is at bumper crop farms with Farmer Granton Bumper. How's it going Derek?

{Graphic: Live on Location}

{Caption: ON THE PHONE Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}

DEREK: Hey Graham I was listening to the last segment on the radio and I'm not sure you expect me to follow that.

A-TRAIN: Your guess is as good as ours Derek.

G-MONEY: It's not like we did that intentionally.

DEREK: Well I'm here at the site of the forbidden corn maze.

A-TRAIN: Oh right isn't that place condemned.

G-MONEY: Is it?

A-TRAIN: Is it?

G-MONEY: Is it?

A-TRAIN: Is it?

G-MONEY: I don't know.

A-TRAIN: I'm gonna text my secretary.

DEREK: Okay well anyway I'm standing here with Farmer Granton Bumper.

{Caption added: Granton Bumper - Bumper Crop Farms}

FATHER GRANTON BUMPER: Now that's Father Bumper on my son.

DEREK: You don't look anything like my dad.

FATHER BUMPER: Well I'm not that kind of father, my son.

DEREK: Oh are you a deadbeat dad? I hear about those on TV all the time.

A-TRAIN: Uh, What?

DEREK: You don't watch unsolved mysteries Alex? They have deadbeat dads on them all the time. And now I've solved the mystery the murderer is Grandon Bumper.

FATHER BUMPER: Oh sweet, innocent child. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. No, I have founded a church to bring the word of the most high to those the citizens of Nsburg. That I may spread that goodness upon them.

DEREK: Oh so you run a church full of good words?

A-TRAIN: Is he trying to atone for nearly killing like 20 people?

FATHER BUMPER: Ah no. No no no no no no. After a particularly unfruitful harvest of corn and a disastrous season of the corn maze, I've decided that it's time to shift my focus to something that can never go out of business: God.

DEREK: Well I'm looking around here guys but I don't see anything that looks a lot like a church. Father Bumper, can you take me to where the church is?

FATHER BUMPER: Why my son you're standing it! What better place to honor the god of this world than by worshipping in the church he himself made. Behold: the earth.

DEREK: Well I guess that would cut down on overhead costs.

FATHER BUMPER: And it's perfectly sized for the focus of our worship this one-of-a-kind 20 foot tall Heyzeus Christo.

A-TRAIN: This, um, Heyzeus Christo you're describing, is it by chance made out of wicker?

FATHER BUMPER: No. Corn husks! I wanted to make it out of stone like that one in Cuba wanna say but you got to work with what the Lord gives you, and in Nsburg the Lord gives you corn husk.

DEREK: Wow look at the size of that graven image. I bet if it's hollow you could fit like a whole bunch of people in there.

FATHER BUMPER: A whole school bus worth. That's what I were purposely for the burgeoning market of educational tourism.

A-TRAIN: I've definitely seen this movie.

DEREK: You have?

A-TRAIN: I have.

DEREK: What happens?

A-TRAIN: Step inside and find out Derek.

DEREK: Oh Father Bumper, can I go inside?

FATHER BUMPER: Certainly my son. That'll be 10.99 and you may enter our Lord.

DEREK: Okay I'm just gonna charge you to the station.

A-TRAIN: Derek you'll do no such thing.

DEREK: But I am so many questions about the Most High and I figure the only way to get answers is to get inside his head.

FATHER BUMPER: Well, you'll be in a big, fancy radio person and helping us spread the word of our Savior, I'll give it to you for 5 ... % off normal price.

DEREK: That's exactly the amount of money I have in my burg scout wallet.

A-TRAIN: It's a miracle.

FATHER BUMPER: Mind your head, no flash photography and try not to rub anything.

DEREK: It's kind of spacious and dark. Smells a little corny but it's a lot like when I was at Burning Man.

{Sound effect: creaking}

DEREK: Oh no, god's speaking to me!

{Sound effect: crashing}

A-TRAIN: Derek? Are, are you okay?

DEREK: Um well it looks like. Wait this place looks familiar. Oh I'm back in the rum tunnels. Our God sunk back into the earth whence he came.

FATHER BUMPER: Can I give you a hand or anything my son. Do you need a rope?

DEREK: Yes please.

FATHER BUMPER: That'll $12. I'll charge it to the station.

A-TRAIN: Could you not?

FATHER BUMPER: Charge him or give him the rope?

A-TRAIN: Both?

DEREK: Well in conclusion Graham and Alex, Father Granted Bumpers amusement park is open for business. It's only got one ride and I don't recommend it for children or pregnant ladies but I had some fun and I think you should come down here if you're like my dad and you're a fan of rum.

SANDRA BRENTMORE: How do you idiots keep getting in here? You're eating up our annual repair budget and our rum rations. {Cough} So dank.

DEREK: Oh back back to the studio.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Oh sorry sorry sorry had to hit the bathroom there for a second. How's it going Alex? What did I miss?

A-TRAIN: God is dead and Derek killed him.

G-MONEY: Oh are we liable.

A-TRAIN: There's gonna be a few charges.

G-MONEY: Terrific. Well I think that brings us neatly up to the break then. When we come back the local tax authority is sponsoring Jimmy Jams afternoon Jams and the Prank Patrol with a new phrase that pays.

A-TRAIN: The phrase is: pay your fucking taxes.

G-MONEY: And Johnny Jensen's all-you-can-eat technically meat buffet is having its grand closing where their new motto is: "Everything is Going to Go".

A-TRAIN: Oh is that your doctor or or your secretary?

G-MONEY: It's an obscene text from the recycling center.

A-TRAIN: Oh. Right. Stick around more QWERPline after this.

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor.

{Graphic: Random Phantom Bantam}

ANNOUNCER: Spook the foxes from your chicken coop with our award-winning selections of ghost chickens out of nowhere. The Random Phantom Bantam, must be replaced every annum.