Qwerpline Ep12 - Seemingly At Random Transcript

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Transcript for Qwerpline Ep12 - Seemingly At Random

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...

{Graphic: Concise Device by Bernice Price}

ANNOUNCER: ... Concise Device by Bernice Price. It works.

{Laugh break}

{Graphic: QWERPline}

BIG G-MONEY: Good morning Nsburg, welcome to QWERPline. Big G-Money here with A-Train. How's it going A-Train?

A-TRAIN: I've gotten as far as bargaining. Depression is next.

G-MONEY: Well I hope you get there soon. It's nice to have you back, by the way.

A-TRAIN: Is it?

G-MONEY: Yeah. I mean you, know it's nice to have you here and you're still aldersman, so hey.

A-TRAIN: I know G. I was this close to getting out of that job.

G-MONEY: I thought you didn't mind being aldserman.

A-TRAIN: Well it's not so much that I don't mind, I just don't care.

G-MONEY: Well we hope that you at home care, about something, and are having a great day here in beautiful Nsburg: "Come for the weather, Stay for the weather".

{Graphic: town slogan}

A-TRAIN: Well the weather around here sure is ... always.

G-MONEY: And now the news.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-MONEY: I've just been handed this emergency bulletin. Citizens of Nsburg please be aware that there are random explosions occurring around town.

A-TRAIN: Oh they're not random.

G-MONEY: What?

A-TRAIN: Yeah.

G-MONEY: If, if, if there's a pattern, we should tell people.

A-TRAIN: Oh there's a pattern, they just wouldn't tell me what it was.

G-MONEY: Who's they?

A-TRAIN: The Secret Pipesmen demolition brigade.

G-MONEY: I didn't know they had a demolition brigade.

A-TRAIN: It's a secret.

G-MONEY: I hate you so much right now. Why are the Pipesmen trying to blow up Nsburg?

A-TRAIN: No they're not. They're, they're doing blasting, like excavation, in anticipation of me approving this stupid LRT; which I haven't agreed to yet.

G-MONEY: If you haven't approved it, how'd they get approval to do all this blasting?

A-TRAIN: Oh it's on their own properties.

G-MONEY: They owned that many random properties around town?

A-TRAIN: Secretly.

G-MONEY: I'm looking at the list of blast locations, they own Nsburg High School?

A-TRAIN: Wait, no, they don't.

G-MONEY: Oh, oh, I'm being handed another note. The Nsburg High School Rocket Club has just announced another fundraiser to get a second surplus V-2. There were no casualties.

A-TRAIN: Unless you count beavers...

G-MONEY: There were 5 casualties, yes. So I guess QWRP reminds you to check with your strata council and find out who owns the building.

A-TRAIN: If it's a secret, get out.

G-MONEY: And in other news it may be February but the community ice rink is finally set up.

{Graphic: Nsburg Community Ice Rink}

A-TRAIN: Really?

G-MONEY: Yeah they had to flood it like two dozen times. It kept draining.

A-TRAIN: To where?

G-MONEY: Ooh. Hey, could we check on Sandra Brentmore at the Rum Tunnels?

A-TRAIN: I was up there last night to fill my growler and they were closed for ... flooding.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: You can get growlers of rum?

A-TRAIN: One of the few perks of being aldersman.

G-MONEY: Dang! Remind me to get you to hook me up with some of that. Next up on QWERPline, however, it's time for sports with QWRP sports reporter Michael O'Leary. Good morning Michael, how's it going?

{Graphic: Sports}

{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Michael O'Leary - QWRP Sports}

MICHAEL O'LEARY: I'm feeling great today, Graham and Alex. Thank you for having me on the program.

A-TRAIN: You know Michael, you've only been working here a month but feels like forever.

MICHAEL: Thanks Alex. I took a course once.

G-MONEY: A course on radio?

MICHAEL: No, it was in a classroom. And now time for Sideball.

{Graphic: Thurpston County International Sideball League}

A-TRAIN: Not sure I'm looking forward to this the Nsburg Literal Tigers got destroyed in the December grinder.

{Graphic: The Nsburg Literal Tigers}

MICHAEL: That's correct Alex. The Literal Tigers got ground into a fine powder not unlike that which you might find on the black market to be used as an aphrodisiac.

A-TRAIN: 'T's really vivid metaphor there, Michael.

MICHAEL: Thanks Alex. However the individual performance of some key players on the Tigers really caught my eye.

G-MONEY: Like who?

MICHAEL: Like Melody Yum. Miss Yum was throwing left's and rights and really carried the team. Like a sort of Amazonian princess, with huge arms.

A-TRAIN: Shame about the rest of the team.

MICHAEL: Now you are correct Alex. For example, I found all the razzle-dazzle was gone from the positions of both third razler and second dazzler.

G-MONEY: Now third razler that's senior Digby Swift, right?

MICHAEL: That's right Graham. Mr. Swift, who's new to the position this year, and I found he couldn't thread the boat and jam the honey home.

A-TRAIN: That's such a shame. You really need a good honey jammer on third razzle.

MICHAEL: I blame the coach. I feel like they need more focus on fundamentals, such as more razzle-dazzle and better performance for the opening grunt.

G-MONEY: The opening grunt has been an ongoing problem for the Literal Tigers. Man, you know who had an amazing grunt all grinder long with Ethan Strom on the Sheffield Topes. That guy was unstoppable.

{Graphic: The Chuffield Topes}

MICHAEL: That's right Graham. In fact no one would know that better than the golem of Salty Doll installed at second turnstile by the literal Tigers. It turns out that having an unfeeling homunculus guard your position ends up with it being crushed into the ground from whence it came.

{Graphic: Thurpston County International Sideball League}

G-MONEY: Well the lifelike replica of Salty Doll didn't work out, but you know I commend coach McFeels for trying something different.

A-TRAIN: And it lasted longer than when Chet Buntsman sewed three raccoons into a uniform to cover that position.

MICHAEL: The raccoons were mad and so would the rest of the teams.

A-TRAIN: Yep, we had to forfeit nine games that season.

MICHAEL: Now I'm just an armchair plunger but I think it might be time to break with tradition and install an actual human as second turnstile.

A-TRAIN: You know we can't do that, not since the curse of '73.

MICHAEL: Curses are meant to be broken. Back to you Graham.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Thank you Michael. Can't wait to get an update on Sideball from you next time. And speaking of updates it's time to go up to the QWRP traffic copter with Richter Hammockslam. How's it going up there Richter?

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Richter Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}

RICHTER HAMMOCKSLAM: Saluton Graham. Mi fluga supa ato bojo foenone caje traffico foes libre. Existas tanen triauto caracho suvofloom supapaso.

G-MONEY: Richter, what in the fuck?

A-TRAIN: Esperanto.

RICHTER: Correct Alex. The international language created by L L Zamenhof in 1887.

G-MONEY: Okay Richter, that's cool but, like, why?

RICHTER: By broadcasting only in English we are leave out on a assumedly very large population form vital traffic updates.

A-TRAIN: That would imply that you ever give us vital traffic updates.

G-MONEY: Also the official languages of Thurpston County are English and, owning to a clerical error, Catalan. Why Esperanto?

RICHTER: Well Graham, Esperanto has been the language of the future for past 129 years. Also the learn Catalan tapes were checked out at the Nsburg library.

G-MONEY: Okay Richter, sure, whatever. Can we get that report again but in English please?

RICHTER: I gave you that report in the language of the future, Graham, and now it resides in the past, were it belongs. Ma lan to alvy el la studio Graham.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Gracias Richter. And now it's time to check in with summer intern Derek who today we've sent down to the Nsburg Career Center. How's it going down there Derek?

{Graphic: Live on Location}

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}

DEREK: It's really busy down here today Graham. Um, no one came in met me at the door. Who am I supposed to be interviewing today?

A-TRAIN: Yourself Derek.

DEREK: I don't want to interview myself again. I'm a hard-hitting reporter and I ask gotcha questions.

A-TRAIN: It's a different kind of interview Derek. Have you considered looking for a job?

DEREK: I was just gonna wait until my internship ran out.

A-TRAIN: Never too early to start looking.

DEREK: Oh do you have any openings in the aldersman's office?

A-TRAIN: I do. But no.

DEREK: Well we do say it's all in who you know and I know you guys. That's why I'm gonna keep working at the radio station until all its exposure pays off.

{Laugh break}

BEEJ: So good.

CAREER CENTER ADVISOR: Hi there, son. Can I help you?

DEREK: Not really, no. I'm kind of happy with my current career.

ADVISOR: You already have a job? That's fantastic. Normally it's college students and 30-somethings who have moved home who come in here. What do you do right now?

DEREK: I'm an intern at the local radio station.

ADVISOR: Well you don't want to be an intern forever, do you?

DEREK: Why not?

ADVISOR: Well you gotta have career advancement. What are your skills?

DEREK: Uh, I never thought about that. Um. I'm punctual, I'm organized, I ask the hard-hitting questions.

A-TRAIN: You're truthful.

DEREK: That's right! I'm honest as the day is long!

ADVISOR: And do you have anything special about you? Anything that sets you apart from the pack?

DEREK: I don't know if I should tell you this because it tends to put people on edge, but I have a ghost inside me.

ADVISOR: Alrighty then we'll write down creative. All right. Well let's take, ah, let's take your information on your resume and, ah, this survey that we just filled out here and we'll put in our computer and it'll give us some ideas of things that you might be good at and your aptitudes and how you want to take your career into the future.

DEREK: Your computer's a time machine?

ADVISOR: Let's double up on creative and write very creative.

{Sound effect: Printer}

DEREK: Oh, time travels noisy.

ADVISOR: Okie dokie. According to this you should be a radio intern.

A-TRAIN: Oh, come on!

DEREK: Wow now I have my dream job and it's the future. What year is it?

ADVISOR: It's 2016.

DEREK: Oh wow, I've just been writing 2015 on my checks all this time. Hey, did you hear that guys? I'm exactly where I need to be I'm a radio intern with you live on the air right now.

ADVISOR: Excuse me, are we on the air?

DEREK: Yeah! Do you have anything you want to say about the Career Center to all of our listeners?

ADVISOR: Well, I wish, ah, had you told me sooner that this was a radio interview and not just coming in for career counselling. Maybe I should check my machine. Anyhow I would like to tell all the QWRP listeners that if you are looking for a job because you're an unemployed high school student, or you've just graduated from college, or you've been screwed by the economy and had to move back home to your parents basement in Raster Heights; come on down to the Career Center we have lots of openings advising at our surprisingly busy Career Center.

DEREK: Back to you Graham.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Well Alex it almost worked this time.

A-TRAIN: Did it?

G-MONEY: Well, it worked better than your last thing.

A-TRAIN: Yeah, insufficient postage.

G-MONEY: Yep. Well that takes us happily up to the break.

{Graphic: Nsburg Community Ice Rink}

G-MONEY: When we come back a reminder that the community skating rink is not for ice fishing and those bottles you're pulling out of it belonged to the Nsburg Rum Tunnels Historical Society. Also they are probably unfit for human consumption.

A-TRAIN: Could always redistill them.

G-MONEY: I thought home distillation was illegal in Nsburg.

A-TRAIN: Aldersman.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Alright fair enough. Also the last of what we are legally required to refer to as the QWRP parachute dogs has been found very much alive and so this now thankfully ends our court-ordered updates of this unfortunate story.

A-TRAIN: Does that mean Jimmy Jam's afternoon Jams and the Prank Patrol can stop playing Who Let The Dogs Out?

G-MONEY: It means they are no longer required to do so, yes, but they will anyway.

A-TRAIN: Well that adds up.

G-MONEY: Yeah, sure does. Stick around everyone more QWERPline after this.

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor ...

{Graphic: Concise Device by Bernice Price}

ANNOUNCER: ... Concise Device by Bernice Price. It still works.