Qwerpline Ep11 - Contract & Release Transcript

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Transcript for Qwerpline Ep11 - Contract & Release

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...

{Graphic: The No-strain Brain Chain}

ANNOUNCER: ... The No-strain Brain Chain. An innovative solution from Huffer Pharma chemicals to keep your gray matter safe from everyday concussions. The No-strain Brain Chain; obtain, restrain and contain.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Welcome to QWERPline everybody, big G-Money here with ... Edith Slump. How, how's it going Edith?

EDITH: I'm thrilled to be here Graham.

G-MONEY: And we're pleased to have you, Edith. As a reminder to those listening, his honor the aldermans Alex has had to recuse himself from being on the program today because the Pipesman are trying to have him impeached and it would be a conflict of interest. Later on the program today, our summer intern Derek will be having an interview with some of these Secret Pipesman and we will hear more about it. Until then we hope that you are all having a great day here in seanic Nsburg, "Recommended by four dentists".

{Graphic: Town slogan}

EDITH: But not my dentist.

G-MONEY: Is your dentist Dr. Simcoe?

EDITH: Yeah. He's a real spoilsport.

G-MONEY: After the Nsburg tourism board coined that slogan it would later come to light that Dr. Simcoe actually threatened legal action against the Tourism Board, but since he had technically endorsed Nsburg at one point, he realized the suit wouldn't hold water.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

EDITH: Well he's only three years away from retirement.

G-MONEY: After which point, hopefully, this slogan can stop chasing him. And now the news.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-MONEY: First up an emergency bulletin from the Nsburg PD: members of the Sigma Theta Naka ...

{Graphic: Sigma Theta Naka sorority and dojo}

G-MONEY: ... sorority and dojo are cutting a bloody rampage through Raster Heights on their annual January pillow fight. Residents are advised to stay indoors, especially if you are allergic to goose down.

EDITH: You know Graham, I was a member of Sigma Theta Naka back in my days at Nsburg Community College but I never competed in the annual pillow fight because they said I couldn't use my buckwheat pillow. Really seems counterintuitive considering it's much more appropriate for a dojo environment.

G-MONEY: Why was that?

EDITH: Have you ever taken 700 grams of premium Japanese buckwheat husks to the face?

G-MONEY: Can't say as I have.

EDITH: It stings a bit.

G-MONEY: Okie dokie. So reminder again for Raster Heights, stay indoors and if you are holding a pillow you are considered fair game.

{Graphic: News}

G-MONEY: In other news the boys and girls of Nsburg High School's Rocketry Club are running a kerosene drive to decontaminate and refuel their new surplus V2. So if you have any kerosene left over after your in-home tree lighting ceremonies, take it on down to the high school.

EDITH: Where do you think they got their surplus V2?

G-MONEY: Er, Germany?

EDITH: Oh yeah. Or England, I suppose.

G-MONEY: It is you certainly bring a different energy to the morning show.

EDITH: Your sarcasm is noted.

{Graphic: It's the Arts}

EDITH: And now it's time for the arts with me Edith Slump, so over to me.

G-MONEY: That was a good segue.

EDITH: Thanks Graham. I'm a natural. Do you think John let me have my own show?

G-MONEY: I don't think speaking for our station manager is a good idea. What's going on in the arts this week Edith?

EDITH: Well Graham, as those of us with children or little ones in our lives are no doubt aware, the latest Tugger Nuts book - Tugger Nuts Goes Down Under ...

{Graphic: Tugger Nuts Goes Down Under}

EDITH: ... is due to be released this weekend. And to celebrate The Novel Hovel ...

{Graphic: The Novel Hovel}

EDITH: ... is having a midnight release party and all previous Tugger Nuts books are 30% off.

G-MONEY: All previous books? The whole series?

EDITH: The entire, surprisingly lengthy, series. And if you go by the Novel Hovel and stick your name in a draw, you could win a box set of the ten most popular Tugger Nuts books, which includes: Let's Go Tugger Nuts

{Graphic: Let's Go Tugger Nuts}

EDITH: Keep It Down Tugger Nuts

{Graphic: Keep It Down Tugger Nuts}

EDITH: Let's Find Sally and Tugger Nuts

{Graphic: Let's Find Sally and Tugger Nuts}

EDITH: Tugger Nuts Goes Off Half-cocked

{Graphic: Tugger Nuts Goes Off Half-cocked}

EDITH: and Tugger Nuts and the Big Finish.

{Graphic: Tugger Nuts and the Big Finish.}

G-MONEY: Does the box that include Tugger Nuts Goes Around The Horn?

{Graphic: Tugger Nuts Goes Around The Horn}

EDITH: No, but it does include my personal favorite Tugger Nuts book: Tugger Nuts and The Mysterious Stranger.

{Graphic: Tugger Nuts and The Mysterious Stranger.}

{Laught break}

BEEJ: Keep it together.

EDITH: Oh and I do have a note here from Steve at the Novel Hovel, they are sold out of the following books: Hit The Back Door Tugger Nuts

{Graphic: Hit The Back Door Tugger Nuts}

EDITH: Tugger Nuts at the Spit-Roast

{Graphic: Tugger Nuts at the Spit-Roast}

EDITH: Tugger Nuts and The Bareback Riders of Chalk Island

{Graphic: Tugger Nuts and The Bareback Riders of Chalk Island}

EDITH: and Tugger Nuts in The Midnight Snatch.

{Graphic: Tugger Nuts in The Midnight Snatch}

G-MONEY: Wow, they're just flying off the shelves, huh?

EDITH: Well due to a clerical error, they do have 35 copies of Tugger Nuts Blows It.

{Graphic: Tugger Nuts Blows It}

G-MONEY: Apart from the box set drawers, anything else interesting happening at the launch event?

EDITH: Why yes Graham. There's a costume contest where all the kids will be dressing up as their favorite Tugger Nuts characters and the ladies from the Presbyterian Church Auxiliary have volunteered to make themed snacks, so you can come on down and - as long as you're not allergic to almonds - you can enjoy some Tugger Nuts Nut Balls and Deep Dip, the recipe that was of course written in the book Tugger Nuts Gets In Deep.

{Graphic: Tugger Nuts Gets In Deep}

G-MONEY: What can the participants in the costume contest win?

EDITH: Good question Graham. The winner of the costume contest will win a copy of Tugger Nuts and The Pearly Orchid signed by author Antoine Graffito.

{Graphic: Tugger Nuts and The Pearly Orchid}

G-MONEY: Sorry, Tugger Nuts and The Pearly Orchid? I'm actually not familiar with that one.

EDITH: It's actually a rare UK version of Tugger Nuts Wrestles The One-eyed Champ. They thought the name was obscene.

{Graphic: Tugger Nuts Wrestles The One-eyed Champ}

{Laugh break}

BEEJ: Yes.

ALEX: And scene.

G-MONEY: I don't see how but I'm not from Europe so... Anything else going on in the arts this week Edith?


{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Terrific. Well thanks for joining us today Edith, and for continuing to join us filling in for Alex as we go now to the skies with Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter. How's it going up there Richter?

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Richter Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}

RICHTER: Well Graham, traffic is going quite smoothly today up Fourth Avenue towards the Novel Hovel, and I have just realised the walls inside of this helicopter make this place extremely small.

G-MONEY: Excuse me?

RICHTER: Yes Graham, the wall of the helicopter appear to be closing in on me. I'm having trouble maintaining my usual steely composure.

G-MONEY: Really?

RICHTER: Yes, usually I'm a cool customer, but at this point I'm intent on cashing it all in and landing this thing as quick as possible. My breath is coming short and rapid. Oh god, I think I'm blacking out. This is new.

EDITH: Richter focus on my voice you are not responsible for your own life, but responsible for the lives of those below you.

RICHTER: There's no need to get hysterical Edith, I am a professional.

G-MONEY: Really?

RICHTER: I know this helicopter like the back of my hand. I know it inside and out. And that is why I am now open the door, climbing out, and will continue to pilot for the rest of the day from the runners.

EDITH: Well whatever floats your boat.

RICHTER: Or spins my rotors. Also I have yet to install the pontoons I bought, so this helicopter is not yet amphibious. Back to you Graham.

G-MONEY: No, wait, Richter. Traffic.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Richter? Can you even pilot the helicopter from outside? Like, the controls are not that close to the window.

EDITH: Well I'll set up a Google News Alert and we'll find out.

G-MONEY: Okay well speaking of news, it's time to go now to our summer intern Derek ...

{Graphic: Live on Location}

G-MONEY: ... who's sitting down with two members of the Secret Pipesman to hear why they want to impeach his honor the aldersman Alex. Er, Derek, over to you.

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}

DEREK: Thank You Graham. I'm sitting here with two mysterious creatures and they have both promised to let me in on what's going on with the aldersman. So my first question is: who are you and what have you done with the aldersman?

RALPH: Hello I'm Ralph. I'm a member of the Secret Pipesman and a member of the nsberg's Geological Society.

{Caption added: Ralph - Secret Pipesman & Nsburg GS}

THURPSTON: And I'm Richard Thurpston the Third, as you know damn well you snivelling little cur.

{Caption added: Richard Thurpston III- Secret Pipesman}

DEREK: Thank You Ralph and Dick, but you haven't answered my second question: What have you done with our aldersman?

RALPH: Nothing.


RALPH: We simply want Nsburg to follow democracy as she is written. We never intended for Alex to be on the ballot in the first place.

DEREK: But Alex wasn't on the ballot. He didn't even come to any of the debates even though I invited him many, many times. He was a write-in candidate and he won because he gave that nice speech on the radio. Right?

THURPSTON: I am so tired of explaining this over and over and over again so I wont. Ralph?

RALPH: Look, the Secret Pipesmen have been trying to bring light rail to Thurpston County for 18 years and Alex just rode in on the coattails of our protest ballot initiative.

DEREK: Oh, I get it now. Um, though except for the part about the light rail and the protest belt initiative and how that connects to Alex in any way.

EDITH: Well he's really getting better at his job.

G-MONEY: It's a game of inches Edith.

{Laugh break}

BEEJ: Oh Christ.

ALEX: Fuck.

IAN: I wasn't ready.

THURPSTON: You imbecille!

RALPH: Anytime that there's any sort of election the Secret Pipesman put forward a write-in ballot initiative for our light rail plan and this time with the election split 69 ways, the write-in candidate won.

THURPSTON: You idiots didn't vote for A-Train, you are voting for a train.

DEREK: But Alex isn't a train. If you wanted a train why did you vote for Alex?

THURPSTON: I didn't do it you all did.

DEREK: That's right I did because I didn't think it would be democratic to vote for myself. That's not the spirit of Richard Thurpston. The spirit of Richard Thurpston lives inside me now.

THURPSTON: I hope my grandfather is inside you and I hope he drinks your soul like a chocolate phosphate.

RALPH: A what?

EDITH: It's a drink with chocolate syrup, seltzer and acid phosphate. There's a recipe on Serious Eats. It's rated four stars.

DEREK: Acid phosphate? Oh no, my bones!

RALPH: So summing it all up, Alex really isn't our aldersman and we get to build our train now.

THURPSTON: Now fork over the 40 million to build it.

DEREK: I've got 89 cents. Wow, this is the first I'm hearing about this.

G-MONEY: Yeah, this is the first I'm hearing about this as well. You said 18 years. Have you told anyone about this campaign?

RALPH: Of course not, we're a secret society.

THURPSTON: Only Pipe-kin would have that information.

EDITH: Whoa, hold on now. I actually did vote for A-Train.

G-MONEY: Wait. Edith, you voted for a train?

EDITH: No, I didn't vote for a train. I voted for A-Train.

DEREK: I'm confused.

THURPSTON: I have a headache.

DEREK: I hear that a lot from people, so I'll just be sure to carry some aspirin. Here, they're chewable.

G-MONEY: So hang on. You guys ran a secret write-in campaign that the general public didn't know about, but plenty of people legitimately did vote for A-Train, my co-hosts nickname. And you are now saying that all those votes should not count and you should get your light rail boondoggle?

THURPSTON: Finally someone gets it.

RALPH: Also object to the term boondoggle. It's more of a Hornswoggle.

DEREK: I like these new words I'm learning.

G-MONEY: Look, Pipe-friends, people were voting for who they wanted to be aldersman. If they didn't know about your stupid write-in thing, there's no way that you can claim those votes. At this point just accept it and, I don't know, lobby Alex for the light rail.

RALPH: That's actually not a bad idea. We're always looking for new good Pipesmen.

THURPSTON: Oh and it's been so long since we had a good initiation.

DEREK: Can I join too?

RALPH: How old are you son?

DEREK: I'm 19.

RALPH: Oh. Then no.

DEREK: Well there you have it QWERPline. Thurpston County elected a new boondoggle and Alex has to turn into a train, somehow? Back to you, Edith.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

EDITH: I rescind my previous comments about his improvement.

G-MONEY: Yeah. It's, it's pretty much like this every day with him.

EDITH: Will I have to fill it again tomorrow as well?

G-MONEY: It doesn't sound like it.

EDITH: Darn, I was having a lot of fun.

G-MONEY: Yeah, I can tell. Well that takes us almost up to the break. When we come back the Sigma Theta Naka pillow fight has gotten even further out of hand and police are now calling in the Girl Scouts to mediate.

EDITH: As a former Girl Scout and a former member of Sigma Theta Naka I'm extremely invested in this, emotionally.

G-MONEY: And we'll have special guest Terri Bledsoe in the studio. Terri hosts the new mid-afternoon financial and dating service show: Stocks and Blondes. And they'll be here telling us how to invest and dress for the greatest growth potential.

EDITH: Was that a double entendre?

G-MONEY: I think so? I didn't write it.

EDITH: Hmm I'm gonna talk to Joan. I don't think we should read stuff like that on the air.

G-MONEY: Sounds great, Edith. You do you. Stick around everyone, more QWERPline after this.

ANNOUNCER: That was QWERPline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor ...

{Graphic: The No-strain Brain Chain}

ANNOUNCER: ... The No-strain Brain Chain. A new of solution from Hubbard Pharma chemicals keep your gray matter safe from everyday concussions. The No-Strain Brain Chain, try it with cocaine.