Qwerpline Ep10 - Key To The City Transcript

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Transcript for Qwerpline Ep10 - Key To The City

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...

{Graphic: The Get Wet Dinette Set}

ANNOUNCER: ... The Get Wet Dinette Set. Make a splash of your next dinner party and soak your guests with the only dinner table of functioning as a waterpark. The Get Wet Dinette Set, made from water proof Chai-net.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Good morning Nsburg and welcome to QWERPline. Good to be back. It's big G-Money here with A-Train. How's it going Alex?

A-TRAIN: Like a ballpoint mesh I'm feeling ... pensive.

G-MONEY: I don't know how to respond to that, so I will just say welcome to everyone listening. And hope that you're having a great day here in beautiful Nsburg, "A Steppe Below".

{Graphic: Town slogan}

G-MONEY: That slogan born of a woeful misunderstanding both of geographical physiography and of slogans.

A-TRAIN: That is strange given that it's common knowledge that Nsburg is exactly six feet above sea level.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Yeah. I mean we were all there when they measured it.

A-TRAIN: Same time every year.

G-MONEY: It's time for the news.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-MONEY: We're just at the end of January, which means we're already one month deep into geyser watch 2016, as everyone in town eagerly awaits the annual eruption of the Thurpston Blowhole.

A-TRAIN: Yep, Old Blowy goes off once a year, but nobody can say when.

G-MONEY: Which is why January first begins the annual geyser watch, and of course we have to remind everyone that bylaws prohibit betting on when the geyser will erupt. But you can also head down to the town hall where the motto is "No questions asked" and the odds are on the wall.

A-TRAIN: Oo, and the geysers back on special.

G-MONEY: What is that again?

A-TRAIN: It's three shots of rum in two litres of Diet Coke and a mentos.

G-MONEY: That sounds awful!

A-TRAIN: You're telling me. They used to use RC Cola.

G-MONEY: And in further news we have an Nsburg police update we've been asked to read. The Nsburg police are warning of a new street drug that is popular with teens. The street name is durian.

A-TRAIN: What? Like the fruit?

G-MONEY: To-to continue the police report that we are required to read. Parents can tell if their teens are experimenting with durian if they are keeping a machete in the kitchen, if they smell more earthy than usual, if they have in their book bags something approximating the size of a bowling ball and covered in small spikes, and if, when asked, they can tell you where durians come from.

A-TRAIN: Don't they just sell them at the grocery store in Formosatown?

G-MONEY: Where police are conducting an ongoing investigation, yes.

A-TRAIN: Okay, that's great the kids are eating more fruit. Can we back up to that machete thing?

G-MONEY: If you have any tips please contact officer Stevens Nsburg crime stallers.

A-TRAIN: Yeah, tips like: my kid has a machete.

G-MONEY: Alex, we both know that could describe many teenagers in town.

A-TRAIN: God help us.

G-MONEY: And now it's a quarter past the hour so it's time to check in with Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP traffic qwopter. How are things looking up in the skies Richter?

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

RICHTER: Thank you Graham. Traffic is moving smoothly and cleanly all the way down Route 40 towards Dee's Discount Pet Shop.

A-TRAIN: That's good news for Dee.

RICHTER: And good news for anyone looking to pick up a small dog.

A-TRAIN: Are you in the market?

RICHTER: That's correct Alex, the stock market. I have recently picked up a controlling share in Dee's Discount Pet Shop ...

{Graphic: Dee's Discount Pet Shop}

RICHTER: ... and would like to encourage all residents of Nsburg to make their way down for some fantastic deals.

A-TRAIN: I was wondering when the other shoe is going to drop.

RICHTER: Alex, I would never drop a shoe from a helicopter. That would be against the traffic Qwopter's code of conduct and is also vert unsafe.

A-TRAIN: Does the traffic Qwopter code of conduct say anything about shameless self-promotions?

RICHTER: No Alex, that subsection was removed completely the last time I updated it. Which is why I am coming to you now from the sky with this message of savings, and these 12 adorable puppies.

G-MONEY: You have dogs with you in the Qwopter?

RICHTER: Fear not, they mostly have parachutes.

A-TRAIN: How does one mostly have a parachute?

G-MONEY: That actually ties into a question I already had Richter, I can't believe I'm entertaining you on this, but when you say D's discount pets are the prices discounted or are the pets discounted?

RICHTER: A bit from column A and mostly from column B Graham. The Dee stands for discount.

G-MONEY: Of course it does.

RICHTER: So come on down to Dee's Discount Pets, where the poor can get a new friend. Or, as the campaign of the other shareholders have dropped, treats for prices that can't be beat. And the rich get Richter.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Well there you have it everybody traffic clear on route 40. Main thoroughfares, who knows?

A-TRAIN: Urgh. Hope it's not gonna make me late what I have to go do that ... thing.

G-MONEY: Oh, right, right. Yeah, okay. I will take it from here. We'll, we'll catch up with Alex later in the hour but next up is Edith Slump with ... No, no. It's, it's.

{Graphic: Let's Go To The Phones}

G-MONEY: Okay, we have a caller, that's great. Let's go to the phones Gus. Hello, welcome to QWERPline, you're live on the air. Ms. Barbara Dooley is that correct?

DOOLEY: Yes, my name is Barbara Dooley and I am a birder.

G-MONEY: A what?

DOOLEY: A birder.

G-MONEY: One more time?

DOOLEY: A birder.

G-MONEY: A birder?

DOOLEY: A birder.

G-MONEY: Birder.

DOOLEY: Birder.

G-MONEY: Okay.

DOOLEY: Bird - I look at birds.

G-MONEY: Ah, birder.

DOOLEY: Yeah, that's what I said. A birder.

G-MONEY: Okay. How's that working out for you?

DOOLEY: Fantastic. I'm calling to tell all of the people of Nsburg that's Brown Thrum season.

G-MONEY: Brown Thrum season?

DOOLEY: Well, the Brown Thrum is a spectacularly rare bird that is never seen it in Nsburg.

G-MONEY: How do we have a season if it's never seen here?

DOOLEY: Once every ten years the Browns Thrum's migration patterns bring it from the rest of Thurpston County into Nsburg.

G-MONEY: So it's not actually that rare it's just rare, it's just rare to Nsburg?

DOOLEY: Why yes. If you drive 20 minutes away to Jewelsberg, you'd be silly with Brown Thrums.

G-MONEY: You can do Nsburg to Jewelsberg in 20 minutes?

DOOLEY: Well 20 minutes of the Thrum flies.

G-MONEY: Okay. Can you describe the Brown Thrum to us?

DOOLEY: Well, if you are looking to see a Brown Thrum of your own, I would watch out near water features such as fountains or bird baths. It is a small brown bird approximately three inches high. And round. It has a brown head and a brown tail and slightly darker brown wings.

G-MONEY: Does it have any other distinguishing features?

DOOLEY: Yes, it has a brown beak.

G-MONEY: Brown all over then.

DOOLEY: No. It's feet are tan.

G-MONEY: Why not called the Tan-footed Thrum?

DOOLEY: Hahaha, that would be stupid.

G-MONEY: 'Kay.

DOOLEY: I do not think that you understand how exciting it is to see a Brown Thrum here in Nsburg.

G-MONEY: I absolutely do not.

DOOLEY: Many Nsburg birders, or Nsbirders as we call ourselves ...

{Graphic: The Nsburg Birders}

DOOLEY: ... would give our eye teeth to see a Brown Thrum. In fact that is why I'm calling. I'm in the Frampton Downs Nature Park and there's a Brown Thrum by the pond.

{Graphic: Frampton Downs Nature Park}

G-MONEY: What kind of bird stuff is it doing?

DOOLEY: Well it has landed on the ground and it is scratching about a bit looking for worms or other grubs. And if we are very lucky we might be able to hear its song, which is spectacular and rare.

G-MONEY: If we aren't lucky enough to hear it, can you describe it's song?

DOOLEY: It is sustained tweet of approximately 12 seconds long.

G-MONEY: Does it, er, modulate at all?

DOOLEY: No. One note, one tone, twelve seconds.

G-MONEY: So like a fire alarm or emergency whistle?

DOOLEY: Yes, think of it as nature's emergency whistle. Except it's indicating it is time for bird sex. Oh! It is doing something!

G-MONEY: Is it doing bird sex?

DOOLEY: That would require two Brown Thrums to be an Nsburg something that has not been seen since 1897. Although ... Oh my goodness Graham! There is a Brown speck coming towards it in the sky. Perhaps it is another Brown Thrum. We could be making Brown Thrum history!

G-MONEY: That's right, it's a QWRP exclusive. Barbara Dooley, please tell us more about this brown speck in the sky.

DOOLEY: Well it is descending rather slowly to be a Brown Thrum, but ... No, actually it looks like a miniature pinscher wearing a tiny parachute. In all my years of birding I have never seen anything like this. Okay and now, ok, it's landed near the pond and it's ...

{Sound effect: barking}

DOOLEY: Oh no, it's going after the Thrum. Oh god, no. Thrum friend, fly. Ah, Oh god, it's brown feathers everywhere, it's eating the Thrum. NOOOOOOOOOO! {sobbing}

G-MONEY: QWRP history folks. Thank you, Barbara. I - learn something new every day. If you want to head down to Frampton Downs Nature Park, you can, um

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Thank You Barbara I learn something new every day if you want to head down to Frampton downs Nature Park you can collect some Brown Thrum feathers, help, ah, Barbara Dooley erect a memorial, adopt a dog. All sorts of things going on today at Frampton Downs Nature Park. But what's going on in the arts? Well Edith Slump is here to tell us. How are things going in the arts Edith?

{Graphic: It's the Arts}

EDITH: Well Graham, it's a new year and the Nsburg Arts Council is kicking things off with the bang. But not a literal bang, just a figurative bang. As we all know percussive dance groups Stimp has just finished their sold-out run at the Nsburg playhouse.

G-MONEY: Yeah, I could not get tickets.

EDITH: Well, due to the elaborateness of Stips touring set up, it did eat into a lot of the Playhouse a seating capacity. However I think the 11 people who saw their show really enjoyed it well.

G-MONEY: I am sorry I missed it.

EDITH: Well as a patron of the Arts, if you're interested in supporting a local cause, the Nsburg primal scream therapy men's choir is holding its annual recital.

G-MONEY: Oh, really?

EDITH: Yes I did an interview with their founder earlier in the week. Gus, can we roll the clip?

{Recording starts}

{Graphic: Nsburg Primal Scream Therapy Men's Choir}

EDITH: So, what made you decide to start a Primal Scream Therapy Men's Choir?

FRED: Well thank you for asking Edith. You see I like many of the residents of Nsburg are filled with an unbridled amount of rage. And, what better way to direct their rage then into the ears of other in the Nsburger residents?

EDITH: So healing to the power song?

FRED: The healing is incidental.

EDITH: What a fantastic vision you have.

FRED: It's mostly auditory.

EDITH: I meant figuratively but it's your choir.

FRED: Well thanks to the graces of the generous Raymond's Talc Barn and their soundproof warehouse we are finally ready to unleash Tristan Isolde a upon the populace.

EDITH: That's fantastic. I understand that you've got a recording from one of your rehearsals.

FRED: Yes.

EDITH: Fantastic, let's hear it.

{Sound effect: distant screaming}

EDITH: Thank you for your time Fred. And now back to me.

{Recording ends}

EDITH: Thanks Edith. Well Graham, aren't you excited to hear the Nsburg primal scream therapy men's choir?

G-MONEY: No.

EDITH: Well if any of our listeners out there are unlike Graham, and can appreciate the Arts. I have two sets of tickets to give away to the Nsburg primal scream therapy men's choirs recital, tonight at the Playhouse. Just email the station. The first two people who can correctly spell Tristan and Isolde day will take home the tickets.

G-MONEY: You know Derek's responsible for checking that email, right?

EDITH: The first two people who just email, will take home the tickets.

G-MONEY: Thanks Edith appreciate your time.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: And now we go to our summer intern Derek who is live on location at the Nsburg town hall, where he is receiving the key to the city.

{Graphic: Live On Location}

DEREK: Yeah Graham, great! This is great! You guys are gave me the key to the city thanks so much. Um and I have like so many keys cuz I have, like, a key to my house and I still the key to my bike, even though I keep losing it and keep finding it again, and now I have a key to the entire city and I can't wait to see all the things is going to open. I can't wait to see, like, um, there's that girl who lives across town who, I want to see what's in her shed. And there's also that cellar that, that Old man Hickley won't let me into, and I want to see what's in that closet of the station you never open.

G-MONEY: Wow Derek that's not remotely how this works.

DEREK: I thought they key to the city meant I could open anything I wanted.

G-MONEY: Derek, you want to just recap for the listeners why you are receiving the key to the city in the first place?

DEREK: Right, yeah, um. So listeners in Nsburg, and maybe other places, these guys are giving me the key to the city because I saved all the corn-holers.

G-MONEY: For clarity, QWRP has no jurisdiction to give you the key to the city. The Nsburg Town Council is giving you the key to the city.

DEREK: But Alex is here. Why didn't you come celebrate with me?

A-TRAIN: I'm the aldersman, Derek. I have to be here. Traffic was hell. A dog in a parachute landed on my car. Please get on the stage.

DEREK: Alright, um, Graham? I have to go to the stage now to get my key, will you'll be okay?

G-MONEY: I'll be fine. Thank you for asking.

DEREK: Hi Alex!

A-TRAIN: People of Nsburg. I'm sorry you had to be here. I'll try to make this short and sweet. By the power imposed upon me by Thurpston County, I am hereby obligated to present to you, Derek, the key to the city.

DEREK: Do I have to make a speech?

A-TRAIN: No. Take it and get lost it.

DEREK: Seems really heavy. Are you sure there's not chocolate inside?

A-TRAIN: I don't know, why don't you find out?

DEREK: Ow. My fillings.

A-TRAIN: Thanks everyone. I'll see you all at the Town Hall. First round of geysers is on me.

DEREK: Am I invited?

A-TRAIN: You're 19.

G-MONEY: Well, there you go folks. You heard it here first. QWRP's own summer intern Derek getting the key to the city for rescuing the 21 people who went missing in the corn maze.

DEREK: Oh. And now, an interview with me.

G-MONEY: Wait, no.

DEREK: It's my time to shine I can finally ask all the hard-hitting questions.

DEREK (QUESTION): So, Derek.

DEREK (ANSWER): Yes?

DEREK (QUESTION): When you were in that cave, did you give in to a moment of fear?

DEREK (ANSWER): A wise man once said "Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration." But no I didn't feel any fear coz I was only in there for a couple of minutes and everything was lit real well.

G-MONEY: Um, excuse me.

DEREK (QUESTION): That's fascinating Derek. What were you feeling when those 21 lost souls cast their downtrodden eyes upon you, the savior of their salvation?

DEREK (ANSWER): Interesting question, Derek. It really illustrates your savvy as a seasoned interviewer. I felt a surge of pride and somewhat confusion because I thought they were all Chuds.

G-MONEY: Like from the movie Chud?

DEREK: Graham this is my exclusive and I won't have you stealing it from under me.

DEREK (QUESTION): Okay last question Derek. Are you planning on using your new key based superpowers to impress Kelsey?

DEREK (ANSWER): What? You mean the girl I had coffee with two weeks ago?

DEREK (QUESTION): Yes Derek. Do you like Kelsey Derringer? Give us the inside scoop.

DEREK (ANSWER): No comment! This interview is over!

{Graphic: QWERPline}

{Sound effect: dropped phone?}

G-MONEY: Thanks Derek. Alex, if you're listening, please bring back Derek's phone. I think he dropped it somewhere near the stage. It's almost time for the break when we come back: tryouts are about to start for Nsburg little league sideball. We'll tell you where to get the best deals on equipment and where to pick up your waivers.

DEREK: Oh no, I dropped my phone.

G-MONEY: And the Nsburg post office has finally introduced that new stamp they were teasing. The votes from the contest came in and the two inch by two inch stamp depicts a beautiful etching of the East Sump Acres culvert grid and sewage outflow. And will cost negative three cents to offset the recent drop in postage rates. When combined with the Richard Thurpston 10-cent stamp, this will be a welcome relief to prevent people from overpaying on postage. Stick around, more QWERPline up after this.

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor ...

{Graphic: The Get Wet Dinette Set}

ANNOUNCER: ... The Get Wet Dinette Set. Make a splash in your next party by soaking your guests with a whole bunch of water at the dinner table. The Get Wet Dinette Set, a meal you won't forget.