Qwerpline Ep09 - Rum Runners

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Originally aired on QWRP at the end of December - Traffic and more from Richter, touring a historic site with Derek, and all the latest news from Nsburg.

Vital Statisics

Ep.09 Titlecard

Date: January 18, 2016

Category: Qwerpline

Appearing: Graham Stark, Alex Steacy, Kathleen De Vere, Brendan "Beej" Dery, Ian Horner

Edited by: Graham Stark

Graphics: Graham Stark

Illustrations: Featherweight

Runtime: 14:34

Slogan: "Get that Downe-Home Feeling!!"

  • That slogan still in use despite the repeated requests from Hugh and Lauren Downe, who's home in Raster Heights was used as part of an Nsberg marketing campaign very much against their wishes

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  • The Nsburg marathon, previously delayed by the death of Richard Therpston, has been rescheduled to mid-January. In the middle of black ice season.
  • The fourth quarter tree is finally on fire after almost a week of kerosene and increasingly unsafe blowtorches.
  • There will be "Brown Tuesday" sales at Nattering Pines shopping mall. Their slogan is "Fill your drawers with value"


Today is take your daughter to work day, and so Richter brought a little girl named Joy up into his helicopter and she is flying it/"pushing all the buttons". Notably Richter does not have children, he simply found a group of kindergartners outside the station and took one of them. Joy considers Richter to be her father now, as her mother considers her real dad to be a deadbeat who doesn't remember her birthday. Joy manages to give actual traffic (there's a random car on fire).

On Location

After wrecking the antenna on the QWRP mobile broadcast van, Derek is on location this week at the Nsburg historical rum tunnels where he is interviewing Sandra Brentmore. In the middle of the interview, Derek accidentally uncovers another tunnel and accidentally finds the people who had gone missing in Farmer Bumper’s Corn Maze, both the original group and the group that had gone in to rescue them. They survived so long by eating cave moss and drinking lots of 100 year old rum. They all head down to the pool with Derek in tow.

Let's Go To The Phones

Before they have the chance to go to a break, Von Spront and Crinklestouf call Graham and Alex over a patent dispute on the invention of a solar power collector shaped like a funnel. Von Spront wants to seel it to the military-industrial complex for defense, however Crinklestouf has already proven its offensive capabilities by mounting it on the side of Old Wives Peak, attempting to cook the pies placed on the windowsills of houses. He had been inadvertently causing them to catch fire. He also was cooking some cookies inside the car that was found by Joy earlier in the episode. Crinklestouf wants Alex to ratify the patent as Alersm’n. Alex considers exiling them both, only to find that Von Spront has diplomatic immunity granted by the Harvest Queen Agatha. Instead he takes the patent under 6 month review, with the promise that he will keep in perpetual red tape until the sun burns out.

Coming up

  • Edith will take about the street percussion group Stimp touring through Nsburg (a knockoff of the cacophony symphony)
  • An update on the maze runner’s story, if Derek ever picks up his phone


  • Great Height Freight Lightweight Flight

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  • The ceremonial blunderbus is made of solid iron, and you need a heavy weapons permit to wield it
  • At the end of brown tuesday, at 12:01 am on the wednesday, all the doors are locked regardless of who is presently inside. Alex describes the experience as sh***y.
  • Joy’s Birthday is July 5th 2009
  • Sandra Brentmore has laryngitis
  • The Rum Tunnels were established in 1763
  • The Rum Tunnels are so long they reach both Canada and Mexico
  • The whole business with the Maze Runners could have been dealt with weeks ago if only Richter had done his job and looked over the corn maze to see all of the holes
  • Nsburg’s government allows Harvest Queen to place checks upon power of the Aldersm’n
  • Alex likes his pie done rare

Dramatis Personae

  • Announcer - Beej
  • Big G-Money - Graham
  • A-Train - Alex
  • Richter Hammockslam - Ian
  • Joy - Kathleen
  • Derek - Beej
  • Sandra Brentmore - Kathleen
  • The Maze Runner - Ian
  • Darren Von Spront - Ian
  • Rapael Crinklestouf - Beej
  • Edith Slump - Kathleen
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