Qwerpline Ep04 - Harvest Festival Transcript

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Transcript for Qwerpline Ep04 - Harvest Festival

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...

{Graphic: Slater-Foster Greater Roster Paternoster}

ANNOUNCER: Slater-Foster Greater Roster Paternoster. When you to move an entire field hockey team from floor to floor: The Slater-Foster Greater Roster Paternoster, proudly made in Gloucester.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Good morning Nsburg, welcome to QWERPline. G-Fresh here with A-Train. How's it going Alex?

A-TRAIN: Like a cold root beer I'm feeling sassy.

G-MONEY: Really? All right, fine. I'm sure that our listeners are also feeling chilly out there in this brisk October weather in gorgeous Nsburg, "City of Lawns".

{Graphic: town slogan}

A-TRAIN: You know we weren't always as City of Lawns, it took a grassroots effort to get us where we are.

G-MONEY: That's correct Alex. "City of Lawns" of course a slogan the Nsburg Tourism Board introduced in 1987 when the town got its second lawn.

A-TRAIN: It counts.

G-MONEY: As I mentioned it's early October and time for the Nsburg Harvest Festival and we are in fact broadcasting live from the Harvest Festival out of the QWRP mobile broadcast van while the studio is being detoxed.

A-TRAIN: I never thought the scent of cheap diesel and old ham would be so welcoming after the incident in the studio.

G-MONEY: So if you find your reception lacking a little bit this week that's because the mobile antenna is doing the work of the two-story job we have back at the studio if you want to improve it try and get yourself closer to the van I guess. We're a 1986 GMC Vandura.

A-TRAIN: And if you look through the white paint you can just see the outline of a wizard painted there.

G-MONEY: Some fine airbrush work Alex, we were sad to lose it.

A-TRAIN: Speaking of the mobile broadcast van, thanks again to our sponsor this week: Deters Beaters Used Automobiles.

{Graphic: Deters Beaters Used Automobiles}

G-MONEY: Deiders Beaters is less of a used-car lot and more of a three-mile strip on the hard shoulder of Highway 3. Come on down and give one a test drive. Deiders Beaters, wear their motto is: the keys are in the ignition.

A-TRAIN: Deiders Beaters is not responsible for anything found in the car.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: But in the interest of being responsible if you're planning on heading down to check out the Harvest Festival yourself, maybe say hi to your favorite morning radio DJs you'll want to know what the weather is like so let's bring on Sadie Casperson.

{Graphic: Weather}

{Caption: Sadie Casperson - QWRP Meteorologist, News music}

G-MONEY: Sadie, get in here. It's unlocked.

{Sound effect: Handle rattle}

A-TRAIN: No, you just gotta jiggle the handle. No. You got it.

G-MONEY: Watch your head.

{Sound effect: Thud}

SADIE: Gah, sweet baby Jesus and Joseph and Mary.

G-MONEY: The whole family's here.

A-TRAIN: Sorry 'bout your head Sadie uh how's that weather?

SADIE: Well it's the beginning of October and as you guys have probably noticed it is chilly outside, but still lovely and sunny. So the whole week is gonna be perfect fall weather for scarves and boots. On Monday it's going to be brisk. On Tuesday it's going to be chilly. Wednesday, crisp. Thursday, nippy.

G-MONEY: I don't think we can say that.

SADIE: Friday, nipple shields.

G-MONEY: Excuse me?

A-TRAIN: Nipple shields.

G-MONEY: That's a weather forecast?

A-TRAIN: Yeah, you need to install the nipple shields.

G-MONEY: What? Install w-were? Ur, on the nipples, I guess, now that I say it out loud.

A-TRAIN: It's to prevent the erectile tissue at the end of your human breast.

G-MONEY: From doing what.

SADIE: Erectiling.

A-TRAIN: I don't know about you but late August if I don't have my nipple shields on I got a couple of glass cutters in my shirt.

G-MONEY: I don't want to know these things. Sadie, what's the weekend forecast look like? please don't talk about nipples.

SADIE: well Graham I think you'll be delighted to know that unfortunately on the weekend this beautiful, sunny weather is going to pass and it will be replaced by a very light chance of tornado.

A-TRAIN: What?

SADIE: Very light though. Probably nothing to worry about.

G-MONEY: Why would I be delighted?

SADIE: Because I didn't mention nipples.

G-MONEY: Can you back up a sec there Sadie to light chance of tornado. What is light chance?

SADIE: I mean not very much, but not nothing. I'm not a fortune-teller.

A-TRAIN: Do you maybe have a percent? Some odds maybe? Any sort of numerical indication of how much we should be worried?

SADIE: Well I do have this week's lotto numbers if you're interested in hearing those.

G-MONEY: Why do you have those?

{Laugh break}

SADIE: Oh because my husband's the guy who pulls the balls out on TV. We draw them in advance for convenience.

G-MONEY: I ... would ... I would love to know what the citizens of Nsburg should do on the basis of this forecast.

SADIE: Well first I'd wrap up warm because it will be very nippy out this week.

A-TRAIN: For the tornado.

SADIE: Well I certainly wouldn't be spending a whole lot of time in a 1986 Vandura. This thing is going to rip apart like a can of sardines after Mr. Wiggle Butt gets to it. Mr. Wiggle Butt's my cat . G-MONEY: That's super encouraging Sadie. Thanks. Hey, uh, I did I see Mr. Wiggles Butt earlier today? Is, is he here for the pet show at the, at the Harvest Festival?

SADIE: Why yes, he is. He's competing in two events this week: freestyle fluff and the synchronized comb off.

G-MONEY: Any chance you need to go help him prepare for that?

SADIE: No, Mr. Wiggles Butt's old pro at this.

A-TRAIN: Could you go anyway? Like out of the van?

SADIE: I guess it is real small and stuffy in here. Why does it smell like ham?

A-TRAIN: Ask Deider. Bye.

G-MONEY: Thank you so much Sadie we will check back in with you next hour.

{Sound effect: Door open}

G-MONEY: Watch, watch your head!

{Sound effect: Thud}

SADIE: Fuck a donut, sensual muskrat, oh Jesus Christ!

G-MONEY: Sadie are you okay?

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Well alright, bye.

A-TRAIN: Well you heard the lady dress warm and maybe ... heavily?

G-MONEY: Speaking of heavy things, let's go now to our summer intern Derek ...

{Graphic: Live on Location graphic}

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}

G-MONEY: ... who's down here at the festival with us and he's talking to a farmer with a very impressive vegetable.

DEREK: Sorry guys, I didn't know you're gonna throw it in me. I just had a big bite of funnel cake.

A-TRAIN: Derek we have a schedule. You're on it.

DEREK: Aw, my watch broke last week.

G-MONEY: Tell me the watch isn't ours.

DEREK: No, that one's mine. I put in a requisition for a new one though.

G-MONEY: Nope.

A-TRAIN: The vegetable Derek, tell us about the vegetable.

DEREK: You know I was really impressed cuz I'm when I came down here the farmer told me that normally they grow about this size but this one this big.

G-MONEY: Oh my god.

A-TRAIN: He's only about a hundred yards away I could go out there and choke him right now.

G-MONEY: Derek could you try to be a little bit more specific for people listening.

DEREK: Okay, um. When I hold it I have to use both of my hands. It's mostly very smooth but rough in a couple places. The farmer doesn't want me squeezing it so I can't talk about it anymore.

G-MONEY: Can you put the farmer on the phone?

DEREK: I'll have to put this down first.

G-MONEY: Fine.

DEREK: Ok, no you have to take this back. Because, no, I know you come over, if you just lean in you can talk into my Bluetooth headset.

{Caption added: Granton Bumper - Bumper Crops}

GRANTON: Hello there this is Granton Bumper from Bumper Crops, once again with our prize-winning merchandise.

G-MONEY: Hi Granton, this is G-Money with A-Train here on QWERPline, thank you so much for joining us. Can you tell us a little bit about your vegetable? For example, what vegetable?

GRANTON: Can you speak up there G-Money? It's kind of hard to here you for this boy's head.

G-MONEY AND A-TRAIN: Derek!

A-TRAIN: Give him the earpiece!

DEREK: I don't know where he's been but okay.

G-MONEY: Mr. Bumper?

GRANTON: Y-yes.

G-MONEY: Hi, can you describe your vegetable to us? Starting with what kind of vegetable?

GRANTON: It is radish. I have put all my effort into this one vegetable, as is my tradition here at Bumper Crops, to grow the largest single vegetable forgoing all others.

A-TRAIN: Wow, how big is it?

GRANTON: Big enough.

A-TRAIN: God damn it.

G-MONEY: Empirically? With numbers?

GRANTON: Well if you want it imperial I'll have to transfer from the metric, just give me a second here.

G-MONEY: Metric is fine!

GRANTON: 43 millilitres.

{Laugh break}

BEEJ: That's amazing.

A-TRAIN: I duh? What?

GRANTON: 43 millilitres. That's how much juice I can't want to squeeze it out. That's why I couldn't did that young man squeeze it before I found a buyer.

A-TRAIN: How big is the fucking radish.

G-MONEY: Granton Mr. Mr. Bumper what what are the physical dimensions of your prize-winning radish?

GRANTON: Okay, so you ever seen a head?

G-MONEY: Wha?

A-TRAIN: No.

GRANTON: Well smaller than that. It's like a dog head but a radish. Imagine you ripped a dog's head off and put a radish on there, it looks proportional.

G-MONEY: Mr. bumper is your stall near the cotton candy machine?

GRANTON: Y-yes?

G-MONEY: Can you hold the radish in the air?

GRANTON: Yes?

G-MONEY: Oh, I see it. It's about a foot.

A-TRAIN: A remarkable product of engineering.

GRANTON: You guys need some radish juice?

G-MONEY: No, thank you mister - you can put your hands down now - No thank you Mr. Bumper.

GRANTON: Thank you for a free promotional advertisement and this wonderful Bluetooth earpiece.

A-TRAIN: I can't believe I have to say this but could you please give Derek back his, his earpiece.

{Granton Bumper caption removed}

DEREK: Should I go to another stall, or...?

G-MONEY: Sure Derek will we'll come back to you in a few minutes with more from the Harvest Festival.

DEREK: I'm still on a schedule right?

G-MONEY: Yeah, and if you've lost your copy you can walk to the van and get another one.

DEREK: I hate to bother you guys when you're doing such important work.

A-TRAIN: Who taught him sarcasm?

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Well it wasn't me, more from Derek later as QWERPline comes to you this week live from the Nsburg Harvest Festival. But for those of you who are on the roads time to check in with Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter.

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}

G-MONEY: How are things looking up there this week Richter?

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Richter Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}

RITCHER: Graham, traffic is once again flowing down the Shaughnessy 2 and I am over it.

G-MONEY: You mean physically?

RITCHER: Over it, Graham. After a fantastic week with the QWRP fan-boat it is now back in the garage with no water upon which to skim.

G-MONEY: We know you're disappointed about the fan-boat Richter, but can you tell us how traffic on the Shaughnessy Highway is looking?

RITCHER: Dry as a bone and the highway is as porous as the life-giving marrow within. Furthermore my autopilot is completely f-ed up. Google Maps has no idea what to do anymore thanks to this rapid change from road to river and back to road. I'm flying literally blind, blind with rage Graham.

G-MONEY: Richter, you're saying that?

RITCHER: Holes, Graham, the famous Burburshire holes are back and now they're on the Shaughnessy, which to my mind is a much better place for them, however the name may no longer be accurate.

G-MONEY: What do you mean they're the same potholes? That doesn't make sense.

RITCHER: I got a real close look hovering about three feet above. Mind you, that didn't do much for the traffic but boy, oh boy, do I know those holes intimately.

G-MONEY: I am desperately trying to let you go here Richter, but before I do you've told me plenty about the road, how is the traffic?

RITCHER: I don't know Graham. Some asshole is flying a helicopter three feet above a highway covered in holes, back to you.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Did he just hang up on us?

A-TRAIN: Richter doesn't seem to report the traffic as much as he becomes the traffic these days.

G-MONEY: Well, speaking of being part of the story, let's throw it back to Derek.

{Graphic: Live on Location}

A-TRAIN: God knows why.

G-MONEY: Because we have more time to fill this hour. Again QWERPline comes to you this week from the Nsburg Harvest Festival and Derek is now over at Craft Corner to talk to some local handymans.

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}

DEREK: I'm amazed.

A-TRAIN: By what?

DEREK: You wouldn't believe the kind of things people will make in their basement.

A-TRAIN: I bet I wouldn't would you like to tell me about those things?

DEREK: Right. I'm, um, standing here in front of a woman who looks like she makes spider webs on a hoop.

A-TRAIN: Oh shit.

LORNA: Excuse me little boy are you being bothered by Wee-Fees?

G-MONEY: (simultaneously) Next stall Derek. Derek next stall. Next stall.

A-TRAIN: (simultaneously) Go go go go go go go go go.

DEREK: Okay, I found another booth. Um, oh this is really cool actually guys these are chainsaw carvings.

G-MONEY: Oh sweet I love chainsaw carvings up can you describe some of them to us?

DEREK: Yeah no he gave me one to hold just now it's real tiny fits in the palm of my hand.

A-TRAIN: That sounds awfully delicate for a chainsaw carving.

DEREK: Yeah I think so too but it's real pretty and it's made of a soapstone.

G-MONEY: Wait, what what what is it a carving of?

DEREK: I just told you it's a chainsaw.

G-MONEY: Really?

DEREK: No, they're really great. Like, he's got a bunch of little ones they're all about three inches tall. One's made of soapstone, he's get some made of bone, there's an ivory one, there's like jade. He's got one made of like really nice wood which is ironic, I think, but I failed that class.

A-TRAIN: The vocational school has a class on irony.

DEREK: No, ivory. Like from dead elephants.

G-MONEY: Derek how about how about you just move on down the line how about you go to the next stall please.

DEREK: Okay I'm the one next to it seems good. Um, the guy left it abandoned but there's a whole bunch of little perfume bottles here, they look pretty good but I don't know if I should be...

G-MONEY: Roll on through Derek just keep on moving.

DEREK: Okay, um, well. Oh down here at the end of the line it's, uh, it's jam.

G-MONEY: I ... like ... jam. Tell us about the jam Derek.

DEREK: They're all in little jars.

G-MONEY: That sounds like jam.

DEREK: Oh, they're all little fruit flavors too. This one's strawberry and there's blackberry, there's even peach, I love peach.

A-TRAIN: Good, that sounds like regular jam.

G-MONEY: What does the person who makes it have to say about it?

DEREK: I'll give her my earpiece, hang on, hang on, hang on. Here, no here. No, no. Put this, put this in your head.

JAM LADY: Hello? Hello? I would like to place order.

G-MONEY: Afternoon, ma'am you're talking to G-Fresh and A-Train here on QWERPline, you're live on the air. What do you tell us about your wonderful-looking jam?

JAM LADY: Hello, friendly sky man.

G-MONEY: Yes, yes sky ... sure. Gah, your jam?

JAM LADY: Yes, Old Country recipe.

G-MONEY: Which, which country?

JAM LADY: Old Country.

G-MONEY: But which Old Country?

JAM LADY: Mine!

A-TRAIN: Right, of course. Tell us about your strawberry jam.

JAM LADY: Not actual berry. Made with beets. From war when no berries out around.

G-MONEY: So the strawberry jam is made with beets?

JAM LADY: Yes.

A-TRAIN: Does it taste like strawberries?

JAM LADY: No.

G-MONEY: Why do you call it strawberry jam?

JAM LADY: Who would buy beet jam? Fools.

A-TRAIN: I'm afraid to ask, but here Nsburg we have beautiful, free blackberry patches that you don't have to pay anything for to use. What's in your blackberry jam?

JAM LADY: Ash.

{Laugh break}

A-TRAIN: and blackberries?

JAM LADY: No.

G-MONEY: What kind of ash?

JAM LADY: Blackberry.

G-MONEY: What?

JAM LADY: Why buy wood when black berries free to burn?

G-MONEY: Why?

JAM LADY: Old Country recipe.

A-TRAIN: Same Old Country?

JAM LADY: No.

G-MONEY: Does the blackberry ash taste at all like blackberry?

JAM LADY: No it taste like ash?

G-MONEY: Why do you call it blackberry jam?

JAM LADY: Who buy ash jam? Fools.

G-MONEY: Why don't you just make blackberry jam?

JAM LADY: Old Country recipes. Faint memory of berry like from before war.

G-MONEY: Which war?

JAM LADY: Mine.

A-TRAIN: What about your peach jam? What what's in that?

JAM LADY: Centipedes.

G-MONEY: What the fuck?

A-TRAIN: Is that by chance an Old Country recipe?

JAM LADY: No.

A-TRAIN: Whose recipe is it?

JAM LADY: Mine.

G-MONEY: Why? Just - no - you know, there, yeah, why?

JAM LADY: In Old Country centipedes delicacy. Here, very cheap.

G-MONEY: They're not even native to Nsburg.

A-TRAIN: Yeah you'd have to have imported them.

JAM LADY: Yes, imported.

G-MONEY: From where?

JAM LADY: Old Country.

G-MONEY: Why?

JAM LADY: Authentic flavor.

A-TRAIN: What flavor?

JAM LADY: Peach.

G-MONEY: But if it's made with centipedes, why do you call it peach jam?

JAM LADY: Who buys centipede jam?

ALL: Fools.

G-MONEY: Okay.

A-TRAIN: Well ma'am it's been ... talking to you.

JAM LADY: Goodbye sky man.

G-MONEY: Thanks. Could you can you give the, the earpiece back to Derek please?

DEREK: Oh, hey guys. Um, I can't stop eating this jam, it's delicious. She gave me the peach stuff and she said it would make a good centrepiece.

A-TRAIN: I'm gonna be sick.

G-MONEY: I would reconsider your decisions Derek.

DEREK: I'm gonna see if anyone else will give me some free stuff. See you guys later!

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Okay, Derek maybe we'll check back in with you later at the Nsburg Harvest Festival, where we are coming to you live broadcasting from the QWRP mobile broadcast van.

{Sound effect: Knocking}

OFFICER STEVE: Who's inside there? You've been parked here far too long. This is a two-hour limit.

G-MONEY: Uh, hello? Who is that?

OFFICER STEVE: Officer Steve of the Nsburg PD.

A-TRAIN: Not this pinhead again.

G-MONEY: Okay Officer Steve, we'll, uh, move the van.

OFFICER STEVE: See that you do. And be sure to move it again before your time expires. I have a lot more free time on my hands now that the potholes have reappeared.

A-TRAIN: Can you drive standard? Because I can't.

G-MONEY: I don't know how hard could it be? Derek drove us here.

A-TRAIN: I mean in first gear.

G-MONEY: No, that might just be top speed on this thing. But this seems like a great time to lead into the break.

G-MONEY: When we come back, Derek will be giving us the live results of Nsburg Harvest Festivals annual gerbil beauty pageant and we'll see if our own Edith Slump was successful in her bid to become this year's Turnip Queen.

A-TRAIN: Spoiler it's a hereditary monarchy, so no.

G-MONEY: Stick around more QWERPline after this. Okay so, now, now, hang on.

A-TRAIN: Good, no, you got to get the clutch first.

G-MONEY: Okay.

A-TRAIN: No.

G-MONEY: All right, I've disengaged it.

A-TRAIN: No.

G-MONEY: We're roll, we're rolling, it's rolling.

A-TRAIN: Ah, break break break break ebreak!

G-MONEY: Wait, did we disconnect from the genera-

'’{Sound Effect: Static}'’

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP fm. Thanks again to our sponsor ...

'’{Graphic: Slater-Foster Greater Roster Paternoster.}'’

ANNOUNCER: ... Slater-Foster Greater Roster Paternoster. When you need to move an entire field hockey team from floor to floor: Slater-Foster Greater Roster Paternoster, don't settle for an impostor.