Practice Holes Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Practice Holes

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where next week is E3 and, in honor of that wonderful monument to consumerism, we are all "E's from E3". I'm "Entertainment", which I'm pretty sure is in there. Joining me this week is "Energy"...

Serge: {QUITE EXCITED} GUYS! Four syllables: Po-ke-mon GO! It's coming out sooooooooooon!

Kathleen: ...and "the NUMBER 'e'"

Ian: I was discovered by the Swiss mathematician Jacob Bernoulli when he was studying compound interest.

{TITLE: E3 JUST LIKE e; BOTH IRRATIONAL AND TRANSCENDENTAL}

Kathleen: Dateline: Hungary. It's a beautiful day, the sun is shining...and you're enjoying it in a graveyard where you're PUMPED to take in the National Hungarian Gravediggers Contest!

Serge: So there are two possibilities. One, they're digging a hole for a body to go into...which is weird. Two, they're digging up a body, which I'm pretty sure is illegal.

Kathleen: So, Serge, they're actually PRACTICE holes. But I guess they're for putting things into...heh-heh-heh. Uh, but, um, the point of the contest is to raise the prestige of grave-digging in, in Hungary because, uh, there's still a need for manual grave-digging because the cemeteries are very, uh, tightly packed in some areas and you can't get a digger in to actually bring up the earth. So you still have to hire people to manually dig graves. {BEAT} It's a profession there.

Ian: {IN JAMAICAN ACCENT} How low can you go? {WITHOUT ACCENT} Six...six feet. It's...it's six feet.

Kathleen: Actually, Ian, according to the Hungarian Gravediggers' Association, {READS FROM iPHONE} "regulation size is 200 centimeters long, 80 centimeters wide and 160 centimeters deep", which is actually seven feet by two feet, seven inches by FIVE feet.

Ian: Curse these EU regulations!

Serge: What do you get if you win? Wait, what do you get if you LOSE?! Do they just, like, LEAVE you down there?!

Kathleen: I feel like it's a self-fulfilling prophecy that, if you can dig a hole five feet deep, you can pull yourself OUT the hole five feet deep.

Ian: And, yea, it came to pass that the man who did dig the hole doth did drag himself out of it. And it was good.

Kathleen: And, lo, the hole WAS dug to EU regulations of no more than five feet deep. But, alas, it was dug in over 32 minutes, which was only good enough for SECOND place as the home team had "home turf advantage". Alleluia.

Serge: Amen. And blessed be the hole....y spirit.

Ian: In the game of grave-digging, there are no underdogs...just undertakers.

{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC SHOWS}

Kathleen: A California woman was arrested after she scooped up a fawn from a rural road and then tried to sell it on Craigslist for $300.

Serge: {HORRIFIED} Bambi, no!

Ian: This is what happens when Disney puts their movies back in the Vault; people have to learn their lessons on the street!

Serge: I mean, I guess some people put things on the sidewalk with a "FREE" sign; you can take it and do what you want. But I didn't know that applied to nature.

Kathleen: Since this is, technically, an "animal smuggling" story, why don't we go to our "Animal Smuggling Expert" Cameron...who is not ON this Feed Dump but is. in fact, next door streaming live. So let's go bother him live on the air.

{CUT TO A DIFFERENT STUDIO. THE DUMPERS ARE BEHIND CAMERON, WHO IS PLAYING A GAME AS HE'S SPOKEN TO}

Cameron: Always happy to help. What's up?

Kathleen: Um, I was hoping to really annoy you on-stream but, uh, there's a lady who picked up a fawn of the side of the road and tried to sell it on Craigslist for 300 bucks.

Cameron: Three hundred? That's it?!

I don't know. Um,...you see them on our lawns...uh, eating plants...so...

Ahh...OK...I'm, I'm, I'm dead.

{THE DUMPERS LAUGH}

Kathleen: {TO CAMERA} Well, I'd say that Cam is really good at weighing in on being an animal expert...

Cameron: Very!

Kathleen: ...and pretty good at playing "Overwatch" while, while being an animal expert.

Cameron: I have no idea what's going on. {CHUCKLES}

Kathleen: I mean, your mech just blew up.

Cameron: Yup, it's true.

{BACK TO FEED DUMP SET}

Kathleen: That concludes the first- and last-ever segment of "Let's Bother Cam While He's Playing a Video Game and Not Actually In This Episode of Feed Dump".

Ian: {TO KATHLEEN} Boy, he sure seemed like a...{TURNS TO CAMERA}..."deer in the headlights".

Kathleen: {WEARING REFEREE SHIRT} Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's a first warning! {HOLDS UP GOLD ENGRAM} Yellow engram (I don't have a card). But I do have THIS!

Ian: I'm sorry. this...punning is just something I'm trying to "buck".

Kathleen: {STILL IN REF SHIRT, HOLDING PURPLE ENGRAM} Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! PURPLE card...'cause we don't have anything that could be a RED card. And I know before that it was a GOLD engram not a YELLOW engram but then it wouldn't work with the joke. The POINT being, this is your second warning, Ian! And I will throw this at your head!

Ian: OK, OK, OK. I'll shut it down. I don't want this joke to..."STAG-nate".

{KATHLEEN THROWS THE GOLD ENGRAM AT IAN'S HEAD AND PURPLE AND BLUE ENGRAMS AT HIS CHEST}

Kathleen: It's time for a guessing game! It's time to play...

{TITLE APPEARS AS THEY SING}

All: {SINGING} Serge and Ian try to figure out what Kathleen's talking about!

Kathleen: {BEHIND TITLE} That only took three tries.

{ON-SCREEN} Jane Kangas has the most valuable nostrils in North Dakota. {READS FROM iPHONE} In fact, they are state-certified! Why?

Ian: Cocaine and cocaine accessories!

Serge: North Dakota...we're in cowboy country. Clearly, she's evaluating horses.

Ian: Smuggling cocaine...INSIDE her nostrils. But not..."inside".

Serge: What else do you use your nose for?

Ian: {OFF-SCREEN} Truffles?

Serge: You can grow truffles in North Dakota?

Ian: Ah! Cocaine DETECTION...for the government!

Serge: Perfume stuff?!

Kathleen: {TO SERGE} No, no and no! {TO IAN} And all three of your guesses were the same thing! {IAN SNIFFS OFF-SCREEN} Uh,...{READS OFF iPHONE} Jane Kangas conducts odor inspections for twenty-five landfills in eastern North Dakota. So, basically, if there's an odor complaint, she goes out and she's, like, {SNIFFS} "Yup, smells like a landfill."

Serge: Like my grand-mammy always said, "Once person's trash is another person's 21-year career."

Ian: I dunno, Serge. That sounds like a pretty shitty job.

Kathleen: {OFF-SCREEN} No, Ian, it sounds like a "GARBAGE job"!

{IAN SMILES...AND KATHLEEN THROWS THE GOLD ENGRAM AT HIS HEAD AGAIN}

Kathleen: So it turns out, in 1999, North Dakota passed a law saying that dumps and landfills could only, uh, get a certain level of stink. {GLANCES AT iPHONE FROM TIME TO TIME GET MORE INFO} Uh, its "odor concentration units", basically, which compares, like, odor to clean air. So "0" is clean air and then you can go all the way up to, like, into the 30s for, like, a methane plant or something. Anyhow, so she goes out and she actually sniffs things to makes sure they're, like, at an acceptable level. Like, somebody calls in a complaint, she goes to the dump and she's, like, {SNIFF} "Oh, it's, like, eight units or something." I don't know. And she was TRAINED. She was trained at something called the "St. Croix Academy" in Minnesota. And, like, literally, they just train odor inspectors. AND, it's not just her nose that she relies on; she has something called a "Nasal Ranger". It's basically a radar gun with, like, a nose thing on the end that backs up her readings. And, y'know what? This isn't made up. {WAVES HER HAND TO BELOW THE VIDEO} Ian has put the like, hopefully, here for all of you guys to read about the fascinating world of North Dakota odor inspectors. Don't think of this as news. Think of this as a public service.

Serge: In all the times I've done Feed Dump, I feel like this is the first time I've learned something worth remembering. It's like "The More You Know" but...real!

Kathleen: {TO IAN, EXCITEDLY} Ian, deploy "The More You Know"...for real and not for sarcasm purposes! I'm so excited!

{INSTEAD, THE "MORE YOU BEER" GRAPHIC SHOWS}

Ian: {LOOKING UP FROM SMARTPHONE} S-sorry. I was just ordering a "nasal ranger". I need to get one before E3 starts.

Kathleen: Well, on that "bombshell" - which I'm taking, because they're not saying it on "Top Gear" anymore...

Ian: {OFF-SCREEN} We got custody!

Kathleen: ...so SUCK it, lesser UK Chris Evans - it's time to end the show. And, remember: there may be better sources of news...{DONS TRADITIONAL GREEK HAT}...but they don't have THIS hat...which is a traditional Greek hat...or, as the kids these days are going to recognize it, some sort of "Dumbledore" hat. You are a wizard, Harry. {LOOKS DERPY}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF KATHLEEN DURING TAPING FOR THE FIRST STORY...}

Kathleen: The, uh,...the, the, they're like "practice holes", actually, and they're...{STARTS BREAKING ALONG WITH THE OTHERS}

Serge: {OFF-SCREEN} I'm SO not OK with the term "practice holes"!

Ian: {OFF-SCREEN} "Practice holes"...sounds like my first time.