Powerless and Nude Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Powerless and Nude

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: {WEARING BIG BLACK POINTY HAT WITH RED VISOR "LAST MINUTE COSTUME"} Welcome to Feed Dump, where it's Halloween! {POINTS TO SKULL ON BACK OF CHAIR} That's what you get. I am a lazy wizard. Joining me this week is a witch,

Alex: {WEARING WITCH'S HAT} You're a disgrace to the coven.

Graham: {WEARING BIG BLACK POINTY HAT WITH RED VISOR "LAST MINUTE COSTUME"} And a gorilla.

Paul: {WEARING GORILLA MASK AND SAILOR HAT} I'm also a sailor!

Graham: {WEARING BIG BLACK POINTY HAT WITH RED VISOR "LAST MINUTE COSTUME"} I mean being a gorilla isn't his whole life, you know. And now, some eyes of newts!

{TITLE: SOME EYS OF NEWTS/NEWS}

Graham: When trying to steal a car, it's best to ensure that if it has power windows and power locks, it also has power. Otherwise you might end up like a guy in Prince George, who jumped into a Corvette to steal it, and then couldn't get out again.

{READING FROM IPAD} The car was in the owner's driveway, and the owner had been trying to jump it, and was putting away the battery charger, when the guy jumped into the car, rolled up the car windows, shut the power locks, and then stalled the car. And then the car didn't have enough power to let him get out, apparently, and he was, when the police arrived, he was still trying to hit the windows out with like, a hatchet he had on him.

Alex: {WEARING WITCH'S HAT} Trying to? How weak is this guy that he can't break a window with a hatchet?!

Paul: I think this is actually probably as good as it could have gone for him, I mean... he was in a safe place, and he didn't get hurt too badly. Obviously this is not a man who is cut out for a life of crime.

Alex: {WEARING WITCH'S HAT} He's lucky the car owner wasn't more vindictive. He might have just like, run a hose from the exhaust in the window and just been like, heh heh heh.

Paul: Or just pulled down his pants and like, farted in the back Actually the big dick move is what you would do is drive another car up beside him in the parking lot and then just look over and go like, "come on man! Roll down your window! Roll do- Oh! You can't?! Aww."

Graham: An artist, who was arrested for body painting nude models in Times Square, will have the charges against him dropped if, when he does it in future, the models don't get naked until after dark.

Paul: Also, he has to give the judge the phone numbers of all his models.

Alex: {WEARING WITCH'S HAT} And all the high-res photo sets, of course.

Graham: His lawyer argued that New York laws do not prohibit public nudity in the case of art, so the ruling was he's permitted to paint bare breasts any time, anywhere, but, the g-strings have to stay on until it's dark.

Paul: You realize this guy now has a court document officially making him allowed to paint breasts whenever he wants to.

Alex: {WEARING WHITE BERET, HOLDING PAINTBRUSH, MIMES PAINTING}

{SHOT ZOOMS OUT TO INCLUDE PAUL, WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SUNGLASSES}

Paul: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SUNGLASSES} Hey hey hey! What are you doing?

Alex: {PULLS OUT PAPER, HOLDS IT UP} Uh uh uh uh! {POINTS AT PAPER WITH BRUSH}

{WEARING WITCH'S HAT} What's with the after dark clause? Are they vampire models or something?

Paul: It's OK for them to be naked as long as nobody can see them being naked. It's one of those zen thought experiments.

Alex: {WEARING WITCH'S HAT} Do not see the tits; know the tits.

Graham: {READING FROM IPAD} According to the artist, he likes to paint nude models because their bodies have an energy and dynamism that he finds lacking in canvas. Canvas also doesn't have boobs.

Paul: If only some day we could invent canvas with boobs.

Graham: Workers at the Old Smokey Candy Kitchen in Gatlandburg Tennessee were surprised to discover that a bunch of their stock had been eaten and their shop ransacked by a bear.

Paul: {WEARING BEAR HAT, CANDY WRAPPERS STREWN ON STOMACH} {IN DEEP BEAR VOICE} Oooh... I have no self control.

Alex: Poor thing's gonna develop type 2 dia-bear-tus.

Paul: {WEARING BEAR HAT, CANDY WRAPPERS STREWN ON STOMACH} {WEAKLY MIMES MAULING} Rawr. Pun mauling.

Alex: The workers should feel lucky that it went for the candy. They narrowly avoided a grizzly fate.

Graham: An ice cream man has just been sentenced to three and a half years in prison, after he it was discovered he was the head of a one million dollar drug trafficking ring in that he was selling painkillers from his ice cream truck.

Alex: Psst. Hey, uh, Billy. Want something for that brain freeze?

Paul: The head of a drug trafficking ring? To me that implies that there's a whole squad of ice cream trucks prowling the streets everywhere in the world... {WHISPERING} selling drugs.

Alex: And presumably pushing soft serve. Do they just, like, muscle out all the other ice cream guys as well?

Paul: No, I don't want any of these pills! I wanna fudgesickle!

{SHOT OF ALEX WEARING A PAPER FOOD BOY CAP, HOLDING A CIGARETTE, TALKING TO PIP BOY PUPPET}

Pip boy puppet: {IN HIGH PITCHED VOICE} Hey mister! Can I have a fudgeickle?

Alex: {IN GRUFF VOICE} Nah. All we serve is morphine and Vicodin. {TAKES DRAG ON CIGARETTE, BLOWS IT IN PUPPET'S FACE}

Pip boy puppet: {IN HIGH PITCHED VOICE} Is that like a fudgeickle?

Graham: Now, since Halloween is this coming Monday, we present Feed Dump's Halloween costume suggestions.

Alex: {WEARING BLANKET} A leper! {IN WHISPY VOICE} Unclean! Unclean!

Graham: {WEARING VADER COWL ON TOP OF SOLDIER HELMET} Just combine a helmet and a Vader cowl for Darth Corporal!

Paul: {WEARING DICTATOR CAP AND HUNTING JACKET} Alright, here's a great multipurpose costume: you can either be {HOLDS WOODEN GUN} a hunter, or if you're at a different kinda party, {TAKES OFF HAT, TURNS JACKET INSIDE OUT TO REVEAL BRIGHT ORANGE LINING, PUTS IT ON} {PUTS ON GOGGLES} Marty McFly! {LOOKS AT WRIST DRAMATICALLY}

Graham: {WEARING BOXING HELMET, BOXING GLOVES, SCRUBS} I'm Doctor Boxer, M.D.! {LOOKS TO SIDE} Nurse, this man needs 20 ccs of butt whoopin'!

Alex: {WEARING BRITISH BOBBY HELMET, WITH WRESTLING BELT OVER SHOULDER} I say, this arrest is scheduled for one fall!}

Paul: {WEARING GOLD HARD HAT ON TOP OF GORILLA MASK} I'm a gorilla who is also a sailor, but then picks up extra shifts as a construction worker.

Graham: {WEARING SANTA COSTUME, SANTA BEARD, CURLY WIG, AND GIANT FUZZY GREEN PIMP HAT} All rise and shake your groove thing, 'cause the honourable judge pimp Santa be presidin' all over this Christmas, hos!

Graham: Well that's the end of our Halloween suggestions, and indeed this episode. Until next time, remember: be safe out there, and also there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS HUNTING JACKET SLEEVE ON HIS HEAD} this hat. And if they tell you they have this hat, they're a-lying. Because this is a sleeve off that jacket Paul was wearing earlier.

{STICKS HAND INSIDE OTHER SLEEVE END, TOUCHES HEAD} I can scratch my head!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Graham: {WEARING SANTA COSTUME, SANTA BEARD, CURLY WIG, AND GIANT FUZZY GREEN PIMP HAT} Hos, hos, hos.

Alex: {HOLDING SKULL} Never did actually get to know you.