Poop Skeleton Transcript

From LoadingReadyWiki
Jump to: navigation, search

Transcript for Feed Dump- Poop Skeleton

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where, in the spirit of Halloween coming up, we are beloved creepy TV shows. I am of course Twin Peaks because I, like Agent Dale Cooper, love a damn fine cup of coffee. Joining me this week is The X-Files,

Ash: Mulder, no!

Kathleen: And Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP AND HOLDING A LIT MATCH UNTIL IT BURNS HIS FINGERS} Shit! {SHAKES MATCH OUT}

{TITLE: WE'RE ALL GOING INTO SYNDICATION! WATCH US WHEN YOU CAN'T SLEEP AT 4 AM!/WE'RE AFTER CSI!}

Kathleen: So last week, we brought you the sad tale about a man who was arrested trying to smuggle turtles across the Canadian border in Detroit, and I said "Hey, research this." I didn't say "Hey, reenact this!" because this week, a guy was arrested for smuggling a thousand turtles also in Detroit and also he was Canadian. What is going on? Here to plumb the outer limits of human depravity is our senior amphibian smuggling correspondent, Cameron Lauder.

{CUT TO CAM STANDING IN FRONT OF THE DETROIT SKYLINE, HOLDING A MICROPHONE. CAM'S FULL NAME IS DISPLAYED AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN WITH THE WORDS 'Feed Dump Correspondent, Detroit' UNDERNEATH}

Cam: Because much like The Outer Limits, I come on after The X-Files and you're already watching anyways, so how bad could it be?

{CUT BACK TO KATHLEEN IN THE CAPTAIN'S CHAIR}

Kathleen: Sure, great. Cam, what happened with the turtle thing?

{CUT TO CAM STANDING IN FRONT OF THE DETROIT SKYLINE, HOLDING A MICROPHONE. CAM'S FULL NAME IS DISPLAYED AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN WITH THE WORDS 'Feed Dump Correspondent, Detroit' UNDERNEATH}

Cam: Well, this week a Canadian man was arrested at the Detroit airport trying to smuggle one thousand, seven turtles that he had packed into rubber snow-boots and cereal boxes inside his luggage.

{CUT BACK TO KATHLEEN IN THE CAPTAIN'S CHAIR}

Kathleen: Did he really think he was gonna get away with that?

{CUT TO CAM STANDING IN FRONT OF THE DETROIT SKYLINE, HOLDING A MICROPHONE. CAM'S FULL NAME IS DISPLAYED AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN WITH THE WORDS 'Feed Dump Correspondent, Detroit' UNDERNEATH}

Cam: Well, I don't think you cram turtles recreationally, Kathleen.

{CUT BACK TO KATHLEEN IN THE CAPTAIN'S CHAIR}

Kathleen: Soooo, how are the turtles doing?

{CUT TO CAM STANDING IN FRONT OF THE DETROIT SKYLINE, HOLDING A MICROPHONE. CAM'S FULL NAME IS DISPLAYED AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN WITH THE WORDS 'Feed Dump Correspondent, Detroit' UNDERNEATH}

Cam: A representative from the Detroit Zoo said that several of the turtles are not in great condition, which is not surprising given the way in which they were smuggled.

{CUT BACK TO KATHLEEN IN THE CAPTAIN'S CHAIR}

Kathleen: Oh, that's kind of sad and I don't actually have a joke for that.

{CUT TO CAM STANDING IN FRONT OF THE DETROIT SKYLINE, HOLDING A MICROPHONE. CAM'S FULL NAME IS DISPLAYED AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN WITH THE WORDS 'Feed Dump Correspondent, Detroit' UNDERNEATH}

Cam: Well, that's entirely appropriate since animal cruelty is actually not terribly funny, you big jerk.

{CUT BACK TO KATHLEEN IN THE CAPTAIN'S CHAIR}

Kathleen: Okay. Uh, well, Cameron, thank you so much for your, uh, highly detailed investigative report. Will you be back again?

{CUT TO CAM STANDING IN FRONT OF THE DETROIT SKYLINE, HOLDING A MICROPHONE. CAM'S FULL NAME IS DISPLAYED AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN WITH THE WORDS 'Feed Dump Correspondent, Detroit' UNDERNEATH}

Cam: Well, as long as you assholes keep cramming turtles into boxes, I guess I'll have to keep talking about it on this show, so why not? It's a paycheck.

{TITLE: OH YEAH! THAT WAS ALMOST JOURNALISM! (SUBTITLE: DON'T WORRY, WE WON'T DO IT TOO OFTEN.)}

Kathleen: New Zealand has given us many wonderful things like Lord of the Rings movies and me. But it's also given us a sport called zorbing, wherein you put yourself in a giant inflatable hamster ball and like roll down a hill because presumably you don't have enough things to do that put danger in your life, and a man was recently rescued off the coast of St. Augustine after he tried to zorb to Bermuda.

Ash: From where?!

Kathleen: Florida, Ash.

Ash: How far is that?!

{CAMERA PANS BACK TO INCLUDE CAM IN THE SHOT}

Cam: Really?

Ash: I'm really bad at geography!

Cam: Apparently it's about a thousand miles.

Ash: ...Is that bad? It seems bad.

Cam: It's bad. It's really bad.

Kathleen: Wait, what are you doing back here?

Cam: I had to use the can.

Kathleen: {READING FROM iPHONE} Coastguards had warned him, on Wednesday, to not go out because it seemed really dangerous and suggested he give up and he refused. And then they had to rescue him on Saturday.

Cam: Presuming you could zorb as quickly as you could jog-

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} That is a perfectly ordinary English sentence.

Cam: As I was saying, presuming you could zorb as quickly as you can jog over open ocean, it would still take you over two hundred hours, which means you're not only trying to get there before you get eaten by a shark or a kraken or get run over by an aircraft carrier, but you're also trying to get to Bermuda before your zorb fills up with urine.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Or other materials.

Ash: Oh God, I'm just picturing the Ferris wheel of filth caused by the centrifugal force!

{SHOT OF CAM AND ALEX ON THE RIGHT OF THE COUCH. CAM IS WEARING THE BLACK AND RED CAPTAIN? HAT AND ALEX IS WEARING A SAILOR'S CAP AND STARING OFFSCREEN WITH HIS HAND OVER HIS EYES}

Alex: {WEARING SAILOR'S CAP} Uh, Captain, there seems to be some sort of poop ball off the starboard side. Should we sink it?

Cam: {WEARING BLACK AND RED CAPTAIN? HAT} Sink what, seaman? {MIMES PRESSING BUTTON} Boop.

{NOT WEARING HAT} Did he not think this through? He's just gonna wind up getting caught on the waves, becoming exhausted and wash up on the shores of Ireland in like eight months after the mid-Atlantic currents get him.

Ash: That's gonna be a fantastic surprise; a giant hamster ball containing a shit-covered skeleton!

Cam: There's not even gonna be anything to pick at his bones! He's just gonna wash up as this frozen shit mummy!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} {IN CREEPY VOICE} Bend an ear to hear the tale of the dung-lacquered bones! {EVERYONE LAUGHS OFFSCREEN, AS ALEX BREAKS}

Kathleen: Being someone who makes their living on the internet, I don't have much room in my heart for conspicuous consumption, but I have even less room in my heart for what a restaurant in London is billing as the world's most opulent and expensive burger. It costs eleven hundred pounds.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Does it also weigh eleven hundred pounds?

Ash: How much is that in dollars?!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Really?!

Ash: I'm really bad at currency conversion!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Is there anything you ARE good at?

Ash: {HANDS UP} ...No.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP, HANDS OVER HIS MOUTH} O_O... I am so sorry, I, like- I thought this was gonna be like a bit.

Kathleen: Hurtful personal comments aside, the {AIR-QUOTES} "glamburger", as the restaurant is so delightfully calling it, has some of the most expensive and luxuriant foods in the world. The patty is two hundred and twenty grams of Japanese Kobe Waygu beef and it has, uh, New Zealand venison and inside it has a pocket of liquefied black truffle brie. But wait! There's more. It is also served with Canadian lobster that's been poached in butter seasoned with Iranian saffron and is topped with caviar and hickory-smoked bacon, and the bun is served with, uh, matcha powder and mayonnaise and then coated in gold leaf! I'm not even joking.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} That doesn't even sound half-good. It's all just "Look how much money I can do!"

Ash: Yeah, I'm gonna start a restaurant and have the main dish just be made up of diamonds and shattered glass from Faberge eggs because SOMEONE WILL BUY IT!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} And you load it all into a gold-plated Desert Eagle and shoot yourself in the mouth with it.

Ash: It's a taste explosion! {THUMBS-UP}

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Also contains real explosion.

Kathleen: Hey, guys, where did... Cam go?

{SHOT OF ASH AND ALEX ON THE COUCH, LOOKING AT THE SPOT WHERE CAM USED TO BE THEN LOOKING AT EACH OTHER}

Ash: Shit mummy?

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} {NODS} Shit mummy.

Kathleen: {SIGHS} May God rest your poopy-covered soul. And with that, we must call this Feed Dump to a close. But remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have an amphibian smuggling correspondent and more importantly, they don't have {PUTS ON BLACK FUR-LINED EARFLAP HAT} this hat, which is very warm. I've only been wearing it for a second and I already feel invigorated, with hate. No, that's just the last story still filling me with hate. But whatever, this hat and a correspondent. God dammit, we're professional now.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{CUT TO CAM STANDING IN FRONT OF THE DETROIT SKYLINE, HOLDING A MICROPHONE, THIS TIME WITHOUT HIS NAME AND THE WORDS 'Feed Dump Correspondent, Detroit' UNDERNEATH}

Cam: Although official sources are being cagey with answers, one unnamed source did say that unregulated consumption of turtles is a problem in China, so presumably eaten, hence the cereal boxes.