Panda: The Other White Meat Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Panda: The Other White Meat

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump. We're satisfying our sweet tooth. I'm a blancmange, joining me this week is a Grand Marnier souffle with chocolate ganache,

Kate: I'm delicious.

Graham: and, a jelly donut.

Beej: Excuse me, a Berliner.

Graham: It's pronounced "Ich bin ein Berliner." And all of our desserts would be perfect, but none of them have cashews.

{TITLE: NONE OF US ARE MADE WITH CASHEWS/NEWS}

Graham: A university professor from the US is suggesting that the Nova Scotia tourism board should put forward swimming with the tuna as a tourist attraction.

Beej: So, is he ex-mafia?

Kate: Are dolphins that endangered? Have we actually run out of any larger fish?

Beej: Perhaps it's that we've got so few dolphins now, you actually have to swim with tuna in order to catch a dolphin.

Kate: Dolphins at least have some level of intelligence. They're kinda cool, but tuna are just... their claim to fame is they're bigger than you are, and they taste pretty good in sushi. That's about it.

Beej: I cannot wait for his next suggestions, such as: wading with the crabs, and the manta ray petting zoo.

Graham: One of the big problems with this theoretical plan is of course in areas of high tuna concentration are also high concentrations of hook and line fishing, which would be a problem for divers.

{READING FROM IPAD} Quote, "divers could get caught in nets, and if there happens to be a person fighting a tuna on a hook and line, the line is zipping tight, it could cut through you quite easily.

Kate: After you said that I'm just kind of imagining a tuna and a diver getting into like, a scrap, and like, punches coming out of nowhere, and fighting over bait and stuff like that. Could film it actually, it could be a reality TV show. Tuna Fights. Coming this fall. {POINTS AT CAMERA} OLN.

Graham: A scientist in China believes that prehistoric man ate panda bears.

Kate: Scientists also believe that modern man are eating panda bears and that's why they're endangered.

Beej: {HUNGRILY} Soooo lucky...

Kate: {FRUMP FACE} {LOOKS TOWARD BEEJ} {MOVES AWAY} {BEEJ LAUGHS OFFSCREEN}

Beej: OK, but the greater implication of this is that, because cavemans most likely used every part of the animal, uh, they didn't just eat panda bear meat, they would have been dancing around in panda bear pelts! {DANCES}

Graham: And we have a new punchline to the question "what's black and white and red all over?"

Kate: {FRUMP FACE} {MOVES AWAY FROM GRAHAM} {LOOKS LEFT} {MOVES AWAY FROM BEEJ} {CANNOT GET FAR ENOUGH AWAY} {CURLS UP} I don't like it here anymore.

Graham: The line of reasoning goes fossil record shows that prehistoric panda bears were killed by man, and prehistoric man wouldn't kill anything that was useless, so, ergo panda bears must have been food.

...unless prehistoric panda bears were dicks.

{WEARING BEAR HAT AND LEOPARD SKIN CAVEMAN COSTUME} Oh my god, dude, shut up. Shut up ugh this bear, ugh, you know what, screw it. {PULLS OUT KNIFE} SHING! {PLUNGES IT INTO BEAR} THUNK. I ain't even gonna eat yah. {SHRUGS} Just to shut you up. Caveman.

{WITHOUT HAT} A Calgary mother was sick of cleaning up after her three very messy daughters, so she took solace in her only recourse: she went on strike.

Beej: Strikes are notorious for cleaning up all sorts of messes.

Kate: I didn't realize stay at home moms actually had a union. It's pretty impressive.

Beej: No, stay at home mothers are actually follow the longshoremans' union. Uh, for example, if you ever meet my mother you'll notice how well she swears like a sailor.

Kate: I think that's actually a requirement to enter the union.

Graham: While I admire her intent, I feel like she could have handled this better, so we're gonna look at it again with another segment of Super Effective.

{TITLE: I WANNA BE A LITTLE BIT BETTER CAUSE YOUR IDEA IS DUMB SUPER EFFECTIVE/POKEMON OH. S- SUPPER EFFECTIVE}

Beej: Pull them out of school and chain them to the sink until they finish washing all the dishes. Super effective!

Kate: She could do it sit-com style, by painting a red line down the middle of the house, kids have one side, mess it up all they want, then you have your side, nice and clean. Super effective.

Beej: Start a small fire in your living room, call the fire department, have them hose down the house until it's clean! Super effective!

Kate: ...but make sure to do that once a week. Super DUPER effective.

Beej: Every time your child posts on facebook, respond to their post with a picture of what their room currently looks like. Super effective.

Kate: {OFFSCREEN} Legit that probably would be pretty effective.

Graham: A man from Wisconsin was sifting through the mud from his friend's freshly dug well... as you do... and he stumbled across a one point two carat diamond.

Beej: I've seen police procedurals that start that way.

Kate: ...and they always end in tears.

Clearly someone had just put it in the mud for safe keeping.

Beej: Where's safer than the living earth from whence it came?

Kate: No one will think to look there!

Graham: A quote from the guy, {READING FROM IPAD} "everyone thinks I'm a fruit loop for panning for gold-" yeah they do! Rightly so.

Beej: After all, you didn't find gold, did yah, smart-ass?

Kate: Related, fruit loops are delicious. Fact.

Graham: I want somewhere I can go panning for hats. {POUTS} Well, until next time remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON RED DRAGON HEAD} this hat. Because they are not dragons. But I am a dragon. And like all dragons say, "erhmagerd urm a drugon." Durgon. That should be durgon, that's how you parse it. "Ermagerd urm a durgon." {NODS}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF KATE LOOKING UNCOMFORTABLE ON THE COUCH}

Graham: {OFFSCREEN} I like how the microfiber squeaks.

Kate: That's just me.

{GRAHAM LAUGHS}