Nugget Handshakes Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Nugget Handshakes
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we're boning up on our fundamental... interactions of physics. I am gravitation. Joining me this week is the strong nuclear force.
Paul: Hee hee, you said boning.
Graham: And electromagnetism.
{SHOT OF ALEX}
Paul: {OFFSCREEN} aaaaAAAAAAAA!
{PAUL ZOOMS IN FROM RIGHT SIDE OF SCREEN AND STICKS TO ALEX'S SHOULDER}
Paul: Ow!
Graham: And I don't know what the three of us are doing, but perturbation theory doesn't rhyme with news.
{TITLE: THESE WORDS DON'T RHYME PERTURBATION THEORY/NEWS}
Graham: A Washington D.C. school teacher has been fired after assigning 3rd grade math problems centered around violent and illegal acts.
{READING} John's father gave him 1,359 marbles on his birthday. John swallowed 585 marbles and died. Nine of John's friends came for his funeral the next day. John's grieving father gave the remaining marbles to John's friends in equal numbers. How many marbles did each friend get?
Paul: That math teacher is like the guy from Saw!
Alex: {IN BACKGROUND OF SHOT; HOLDING UP JIGSAW PUPPET IN FOREGROUND} {IN GRUFF VOICE} Hello Daniel. I want you to solve for x.
Paul: Maybe this is a good way to get kids interested in doing math problems. You have like, a train leaves one city going twenty miles per hour, and a train leaves the other city going thirty miles an hour, when will they cross and will the bomb on one of the trains explode, killing everybody?
Alex: And if Bruce Willis jumps out of a helicopter 400 feet in the air, will he make it there in time?
Paul: Actually, yes! Screw teaching! This person obviously has a career in scriptwriting!
Graham: Boston Dynamics, creek- a dla dla.
Boston Dynamics, creators of the op- of...
Boston Dynamics, creators ov- blah dah dah.
Dynamics, creators of the coolest and creepiest robots, have just claimed the land speed record for robots with their creation "The Cheetah," running 18 miles an hour.
Alex: And if you listen really carefully, you can hear your computer say "SOON."
Paul: So how long until we actually see a race between an actual cheeta and the Cheeta robot thing? Which I presume will start with them both on the starting line, and then the cheeta just running the other way, because it's a freakin' robot.
{SHOT OF ALEX AND PAUL, BOTH ARE WEARING TOP HATS}
Alex: {WEARING TOP HAT} {IN FAKE BRITISH ACCENT} And round the starters orders, oh, and the cheeta's deployed the laser beams.
Paul: {WEARING TOP HAT} I really shoulda seen that one coming!
Alex: {WEARING TOP HAT} {IN FAKE BRITISH ACCENT} Mmm, really.
Graham: Time to play the guessing game! A chicken McNugget shaped like WHOM just sold for 8,100 dollars on ebay?
Paul: I mean, the obvious answer is Jesus, but that seems too obvious. I'm gonna go with Oprah.
Alex: Colonel Sanders.
Paul: A chicken.
Abraham Lincoln.
Alex: Lady Gaga.
Paul: Oh wait! Of course! Elvis! It's gotta be Elvis.
Alex: No I don't even care, this is so dumb! {LAUGHTER OFFSCREEN}
It's not even gonna keep!
Paul: No no no! He... you eat it! Right? Then you absorb the power of that person. It's a well known fact that if you, if you eat a chicken McNugget in the shape of a person, you get their power.
Alex: Also stupid, but makes more sense.
Graham: Well then you'd be very good at not telling lies, cutting down trees, and being the first president , because apparently it's shaped like George Washington, although, and we don't normally show pictures on Feed Dump,
{PICTURE OF THE MCNUGGET ON A BACKGROUND OF AN AMERICAN FLAG AND FIREWORKS}
this does not look a fucking thing like George Washington.
Paul: Wow, that... this is actually a good advertisement for whoever put that up on eBay or wherever and sold it. 'Cause this is a person who I would want to sell anything that I own. 'Cause obviously they know what they're doing.
{SHOT OF ALEX AND PAUL, ALEX IS WEARING PLAID TRILBY}
Alex: {WEARING PLAID TRILBY} I think you'll find this antique mahogany jewelry box is... top drawer.
Paul: {PICKS UP HOCKEY GLOVE} I... I'm... pretty sure this is a hockey glove.
Alex: {WEARING PLAID TRILBY} Top. Drawer.
Paul: Alright, if you say so. Two thousand dollars!
{JUST PAUL}
Paul: Can you imagine that as an infomercial? It's like, "Sell your stuff with me! I'm the guy who sold the chicken Nugget for 8000 dollars!
Graham: {WEARING PLAID TRILBY} Hi! Ron Dewings here,
{SUBTITLE: RON DEWINGS}
for selling chicken McNuggets.
Alex: I don't know what it is, I just wanna give him all my money!
Graham: A movie goer in Detroit is bringing a class-action lawsuit against AMC Theatres because their snacks are really expensive, which is apparently news now.
Paul: Wait, we're ALLOWED TO DO THAT?! We can complain that theatre snacks are too expensive?! WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME?!
Actually the real problem is if the theatre lowers its snack prices, then the grocery store around the corner from the theatre is going to sue them for taking away all their business.
{SHOT OF ALEX AND PAUL; ALEX IS WEARING PAPER SODA JERK HAT, PAUL HAS A BUNCH OF STUFF STUFFED DOWN HIS SHIRT}
Alex: {WEARING PAPER SODA JERK HAT} {IN TEENAGER VOICE, VOICE BREAKING} Would you care for any popcorn or soda sir?!
Paul: {WITH STUFF STUFFED DOWN HIS SHIRT} Oh, uh, no no. I'm not too hungry. {PATS STOMACH}
Alex: {WEARING PAPER SODA JERK HAT} {IN TEENAGER VOICE, VOICE BREAKING} OK!
{BACK TO JUST PAUL}
Paul: OK, yes theatres overcharge. But EVERYBODY overcharges for pop and popcorn! If they charge the actual price for pop and popcorn, it would be like ten cents!
Graham: The 2012 British Olympic team has been advised by its team doctor to not shake hands with any opposing athletes or visiting dignitaries during the games.
Paul: The British Olympic team's head doctor actually just had a really bad breakup with the head doctor of another Olympic team, and so he just wants to diss them really badly.
Alex: Are we sure it was their doctor and not like, their grandmother?
{WEARING OLD LADY WIG} {IN OLD LADY VOICE} Now don't go touchin' any of them dirty strangers. They'll give you the collera!
Graham: And now for the benefit of our 2012 Olympians, Feed Dump presents: the alternatives to handshaking.
{SHOT OF ALEX AND PAUL ON THE COUCH}
Alex: The elbow! {ALEX AND PAUL TOUCH ELBOWS}
Paul: The mime! {ALEX AND PAUL MIME A WALL BETWEEN THEM}
Alex: The force of will. {ALEX AND PAUL MAKE STRAINED EXPRESSIONS; A SPACE-ESQUE PSYCHIC "WUB WUB" CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND}
Paul: The E.T. {ALEX AND PAUL TOUCH FINGERS}
Alex: Ew ew ew ew ew ew!
Paul: Ew ew ew ew! Gross! Gross!
{BOTH ALEX AND PAUL ARE WEARING TOP HATS}
Alex: The hat toast. {BOTH TAKE OFF THEIR TOP HATS AND TOUCH THEM TOGETHER} And it's like, good luck!
Paul: Tink!
{BOTH PUT THEIR TOP HATS BACK ON}
Alex: Bottoms up!
{SHOT OF ALEX AND PAUL; ALEX IS WEARING A GREEN RUBBER GLOVE ON HIS RIGHT HAND. PAUL IS WEARING AN ORANGE RUBBER GLOVE ON HIS RIGHT HAND}
Paul: The safety! {THEY SHAKE THE GLOVED HANDS VIGOROUSLY}
{SHOT OF ALEX AND PAUL; ALEX IS HOLDING A GREEN RUBBER GLOVE ON HIS RIGHT HAND. PAUL IS HOLDING AN ORANGE RUBBER GLOVE ON HIS RIGHT HAND}
Alex: The super safety! {THEY SHAKE THE GLOVES THEY'RE HOLDING TOGETHER AWKWARDLY}
Graham: So there you have it! Don't say we never did nothin' for yah. Until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON TALL GREEN AND BLACK STRIPED HAT COVERED IN MUSHROOMS} this hat! Which is bright green and covered in mushrooms. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I believe it is actually dissolving my skull.
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
{SHOT OF ALEX AND PAUL; ALEX IS WEARING TALL GREEN AND BLACK STRIPED HAT COVERED IN MUSHROOMS}
Alex: {IN A DRUNKEN VOICE} This will tend to make you very high. {LEANS OVER TOWARD PAUL AND RUBS PAUL'S HEAD WITH THE HAT} {PAUL LOOKS DISTURBED}
