Not Without My Pee Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Not Without My Pee

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, we are all part of a balanced morning meal; we're "breakfast cereals". I'm "Bran Granules", when you prize regularity over joy. Joining me this week is "Lucky Charms"...

Kate: For when you prize joy over regularity.

Kathleen: ...and "Ozee-Os".

Graham: For when you want to make a knock-off of "Cheerios" but lack any creativity.

{TITLE: NO NAME BRAND IS A SERIAL OFFENDER}

Kathleen: Think twice before you post that adorable baby photo on line; an 18-year-old woman from Austria is suing her parents for uploading childhood photos of her to Facebook.

Kate: I can't imagine that they had a super-good relationship to start out with. This has gotta just be, like, "strike three" in a long list of fuck-ups.

Kathleen: {AS SAID WOMAN} Mom! OK, this is it! {COUNTS ON FINGERS} First of all, you drop me off in front of the school instead of dropping me off a block away so I can walk in and not be seen with you, then you got "Ozee-Os" instead of Cherrios and now a picture of me on the potty on Facebook?! That's it! I'm suing!!

Graham: On the one hand, I understand that no child wants their parents to show their friends the baby photos of you in the bath or on the potty or whatever. On the OTHER hand, I'm pretty sure you legally OWN your children.

Kate: So here's the thing: {COUNTS ON FINGERS} single people don't want to be reminded they're single by seeing your baby photos, people who are TRYING to have kids don't wanna see your baby photos, people who already have kids ESPECIALLY don't wanna see your baby photos; they got plenty of their own. Short story: just DON'T post photos of your kids.

Kathleen: Kate is right. Why would I want to see pictures of your ill-mannered troglodyte when I can look at my own perfect baby/angel/baby?

Graham: These parents are also ruining the "social contract" of you go to someone's house for dinner. They provide you with dinner but, as a cost, you have to sit through looking at photos of their children. NOW, you're just seeing this if you happen to be friends with them on Facebook. They've ruined the whole premise of going over for dinner.

Kathleen: A 40-year-old Indiana man was arrested and charged with animal cruelty and other things after he harassed somebody who got a job that he didn't get by mailing them four dead skunks and a dead raccoon.

Graham: I suspect this guy has terrible eyesight and that raccoon was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Kathleen: {READING FROM iPHONE} Oh, I'm sorry. He was actually charged on "suspicion of criminal mischief, intimidation, stalking, criminal trespass, false reporting, animal cruelty and harassment" because he ALSO did things like threaten the successful job candidate's fiancee and their child and spray paint messages such as "YOU WILL DIE" on his car. {TO OTHER DUMPERS} Who wants to guess what job he lost out on?

Graham: Artists are very sensitive so I'm gonna say..."Sandwich Artist"?

Kate: My guess is garbage man...because he's a "garbage" man.

Graham: Motivational speaker.

Kate: Skunk caretaker?

Graham: Anti-bullying advocate.

Kathleen: According to reports, one package arrived at the post office leaking blood containing a dead raccoon and with the words, "Resign! It Will Not Stop" inside.

Kate: God, this is like "Twitchchat" come to life!

Graham: Particularly because he's blaming the guy who got the job, not the people who HIRED that guy.

Kate: Yeah, Graham, if you harass the people who are giving OUT the job then you're definitely not gonna GET that job. Right now, he's proving that he REALLY wants it!

Graham: Yeah...he "Ship You Four Dead Skunks" wants this job!

Kathleen: Yeah, I'm not sure I want anybody who's "Ship You Four Dead Skunks"-intense to teach a fourth grade class and be a junior basketball coach...because that's is the job he was applying for. {STARTS TO BREAK}

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Wow!!! Wow!!!

Kate: {AT SAME TIME, OFF-SCREEN} No-o-o-o! No! He could be teaching your children!

Kathleen: {LAUGHING} Everybody's just, like,...Graham and Kate and Heather behind the camera just went, "No-o-o-o!" Like everybody recoiled in the same way! It was amazing!

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Oh, no...why?!

Kate: I mean, I remember having some pretty weird elementary school teachers, like the one who constantly smell like cigar smoke and handed you a Wether's from his pocket. But he - even HE - was not "Ship You Four Dead Skunks" creepy!

Graham: I would bet that SOMETHING probably came up during the job interview process that MAYBE tipped them off that this guy MIGHT be SLIGHTLY unhinged.

Kathleen: That's a good supposition, Graham. Perhaps they discovered that he was the kind of person who was likely to {READS FROM iPHONE} "place four phone calls to the Indiana Department of Child Services, making claims that" his rival "was having sex with an underage student" and was also "abusing the daughter of an acquaintance". He ALSO mailed a picture of a man's genitalia - I'm gonna assume it was his - with his rival's phone number on it to the school he worked at.

Graham: His "rival"?! How much do you wanna bet that the guy who got this job had NO idea this {FINGER QUOTES} "rivalry" was happening?! I'm betting it was ENTIRELY one-sided!

Kate: This! Job! Can't! Be! That! Good!! You're teaching fucking NINE-year-olds!! It's NOT THAT GOOD!!!

{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC...CUT-OFF HALF-WAY BY THE "CHANNEL 2 - TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES" SLATE}

Kathleen: Man, you love your boyfriend but he's on probation...and, when you're on probation, you can't do drugs. But then he's gotta submit a urine sample...but, maybe, he DID some drugs. How do you get your boyfriend out of this terrible jam?! Phone-in a bomb threat. That's what a Florida woman did.

Graham: I was positive the answer was gonna be "swap urine samples" and then they'll be, like, "Sir, you're pregnant?" But...bomb threat...actually just, like, neatly eclipses ALL these problems!

Kate: Kay, Kathleen...seriously...can we NOT be telling stories of me on Feed Dump every time I'm here. At least show me some respect and do them on the weeks I'm NOT here. That would be a lot better for me...emotionally, physically...mentally...

Graham: Obviously, because this is a story, we know what happened. But, in the SHORT term, did this WORK?

Kathleen: So here's what happened. Our glorious, genius woman here dropped off her boyfriend at the probation office where he was unable to produce enough of a sample to test his urine. And, under those circumstances, they don't just let you go; they make you sit there and give you some water until you have to pee. So she thought, "Oh, no! Our clever plan of just having him not pee has been foiled! I'll phone in a bomb threat!" So then they just traced the cell phone number and they're, like, "Oh, hello. You just were here, dropping this man off."

Graham: Well, no SHIT "I can't pee right now" doesn't work! EVERYONE would do that! "Oh, I, uh, just can't...uh, sorry...okay...later." {MIMICS SMOKING A JOINT WHILE HEADING OFF} ...in a cloud of smoke. "Can't prove it without my pee!" {MIMICS AGAIN}

Kate: Why not buy some animal urine on the deep Dark Web?

Kathleen: That's a good one, Kate. Then their only question will be, "When did you become a mountain lion?!" I know that you can buy mountain lion urine online because, way back in the day, my landlord had to leave mountain lion urine around a shed in a house I lived in because skunks had invaded. Apparently, skunks are afraid of mountain lions.

Graham: They're ALSO afraid of elementary school teachers in Indiana

Kate: Uh, to be fair, though, I'm ALSO afraid of elementary school teachers in Indiana and mountain lions.

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} She's a skunk!

{KATE HISSES LIKE A SKUNK}

Kathleen: If YOU wanna find out if one of your loved ones is a skunk, follow this handy test. Dunk them in water; if they float, they're a witch.

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} No, not a witch. Skunk.

Kathleen: What do you MEAN "which skunk"? {POINTS TO KATE} There's only one skunk in here? And, on that note, we must call this episode to a close. {DONS POINTY CLOWN HAT} But, like this hat, I am mirthful and not terrifying.

{BRIEF SHOT OF WNXE PROMO SLATE}

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Kathleen, catch-phrase.

Kathleen: Right. There may be better sources of news...but they don't have...THIS hat...which is a lovely hat...and is not a scary hat...

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF GRAHAM RESPONDING TO KATHLEEN ASSUMING THAT THE "DICK PIC" THE MAN FROM THE SECOND STORY SENT WAS HIS OWN}

Graham: Or the picture of, allegedly, the other guy's dick!