No Longer Fun? Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- No Longer Fun?

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, it's finally summer and, to celebrate, we're all beautiful red summer lipsticks. That's right, it's the season for painting your lips crimson and I am "Fire-Engine Red" which is probably close to what I'm actually wearing right now. Joining me this week is "Incarnation"...

Cameron: For when you need to be both a color AND a concept.

Kathleen: ...and "Baboon Bottom".

{CUT TO IAN ACTING LIKE A BABOON, INCLUDING A SCREECH AT THE END}

{TITLE: MAYBE HE'S BORN WITH IT. MAYBE IT'S A MATING DISPLAY.}

Kathleen: Boulder, Colorado, where you can bring service animals into the county courthouse. But not EVERY animal can be a "service animal". To wit, security guards turning a man away when he tried to smuggle an iguana in in a suitcase. They caught it on the {SHOT OF ACTUAL X-RAY OF IGUANA IN SUITCASE} x-ray machine.

Ian: Service iguana? I could think of, like, five other animals that would better service animals than a lizard.

Cameron: What kind of "service" exactly?!

Kathleen: Having actually owned a pet iguana at one time, uh, "giving you a shitty evil eye" probably is the service it provides.

Ian: And some dry shits the SIZE of an eye.

Cameron: Man, I get shitty evil eyes EVERYWHERE for FREE. Why would you need an ANIMAL for that?!

Ian: It all comes down to the training. These are VERY skilled animals.

Cameron: If we're broadening "service animals", could I just get a service drone? Possibly a reaper?

Kathleen: {ACTING AS "SERVICE DRONE" OWNER} No, you see, I need this service drone because I am deathly allergic to stupid. So, when I encounter a stupid person, uh, the drone KILLS them...and then I'm OK. I get HIVES, otherwise, and they're very itchy.

Ian: {IN THOUGHT} PEOPLE are kinda like animals.

Cameron: {TO IAN} We experimented with those for a while. they're called "servants". Or, y'know, "serfs" if you're into the whole "brevity" thing.

Ian: Well, one of the hallmarks of the scientific method is reproducing experimental results. So...{HOLDS UP "SHAKA, BRAUGH" SIGN WITH RIGHT HAND}..."serf's up".

Cameron: Let them eat Ian.

Kathleen: Police in St. Johns, Newfoundland were annoyed when a local woman called them to complain that her cheese pizza did not have enough cheese. {READS FROM iPHONE} "'I'm not sure if, by calling us, she assumed there would be some sort of action that we could take, or what the situation was. But we, of course, advised her that she just needed to speak with the manager of the company and not the police.', a spokesperson said."

Cameron: Is calling the cops over a shitty consumer matter just a step in escalation BELOW demanding a duel?

Ian: Why not just call the Italian ambassador? Clearly, there are rules and regulations set in the EU for just that sort of matter. Why can't those apply here?!

Cameron: And if we can complain to Europe about "End-User Application" errors, I would like to speak to someone about a whole country I'd like to return.

Kathleen: Now we here at Feed Dump give America a very hard time about misusing 911 (after all, this is the country that gave the world...Florida). However, Canadians really aren't that much better. This is a real list of misuses of 911 form a British Columbian 911 service. This is all stuff that they ask you NOT to do because people have DONE it: {READS FROM iPHONE} "People have called 911 in BC to request the number for a local tire dealership, to report an issue with a vending machine, just to ask for the non-emergency line, to complain that a car was parked too close to their car, to report a child that wouldn't put his seat belt on, to tell the police about a coffee chop that refused to give a free refill, to ask if it's OK to park on a particular street, to report someone that had used their roommate's toothpaste,"...what a son of a bitch...uh, "seeking help to get a basketball out of a tree and complaining that a noisy air conditioning system was keeping them awake."

Cameron: As far as I understand it, there are three criterion for calling 911: {COUNTING ON FINGERS} Something or someone should be on fire, somebody should be about to die...or you need someone shot.

Ian: {HOLDING UP iPHONE WITH DIALING KEYBOARD SHOWN WITH "91" DAILED} People, I've dialed "9" and "1" and if you don't stop talking about the "orientals", I'm going to dial the other "1"!

Kathleen: I'm a big fan of the educational jingle. So I've decided that, right now, we're going to do an improv jingle about when you should dial 911.

{SHOT OF ONE OF THE "DUMP"ERS HOLDING UP THE CHUBBY FOX FIGURINE IN FRONT OF A GREEN SCREEN WHICH SHOWS A FILM ABOUT HOW A CAMPFIRE BURNS. THE FIGURINE MOVES TO THE SINGING}

All: {SINGING} Is a man on fire in a way that ceased to be fun? Dial 9-1-1!

Kathleen: Police in New York City have arrested a man who outfitted a van with more than fifty speakers so he could play {SHOT OF SAID VAN} really loud music at night.

Ian: I've only seen a picture of the speakers but I can only IMAGINE how bitchin' the wizard is that's airbrushed on the side of that van.

Cameron: {TO IAN} WAS. It liquefied and slid off during "Black Dog".

Ian: I mean, he COULD be doing a community service. Driving around at night playing lullabies and then "white noise" at 85,000 decibels...

Kathleen: What I appreciate about this is that this is not some hastily-thrown-together troll. There is craftsmanship at work here. Let's look at the picture again. {SHOT OF VAN} Like, he's taken care to install these speakers correctly in order to REALLY {BACK TO KATHLEEN} amplify the annoyance factor here. Like, y'know what? {SLOW CLAPS} Bravo. You're still SUPER arrested and your van has been REALLY impounded but...bravo.

Cameron: This isn't the work of, say, my neighbor in residence in first year who just went to the store and asked for the largest speakers they had. This is...a work of art.

Ian: Oh, God, what if his master plan is actually to play that one note that only people under 25 can hear until the streets run blood-red with the "ear-juice" of millennials?!

Kathleen: That's one option, yes, Ian. But go with me on this one, Feed Dump viewers: what about "We Like To Party" by the Vengaboys?!

{SHOT OF THE VAN WITH "WE LIKE TO PARTY" PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND}

Kathleen: Oo, oo...or, or, OR you can go all "culturally zeitgeist-y" and play "All-Star" by Smash Mouth and then just all of New York (or in this case, actually, just a section of Queens) just hears, {SINGING} "SOME..." {STOPS} but, then, their eardrums just liquefy and they don't hear the rest of the song.

Cameron: Small mercies.

Ian: {IN THOUGHT AGAIN} I wonder if anyone's ever tried to figure out what the resident frequency of the "Gathering of the Juggalos" is?

Kathleen: Hmm...what's the GROSSEST note? Like "F flat"?

Ian: {OFF-SCREEN} That's "E"!

Kathleen: No, they TAKE "E". But, on THAT "note", it's time to call this episode to a close. And, remember: there may be better sources of news but they're not gonna talk about Juggalos (well, I mean, they probably are if, like, the "Gathering of the Juggalos" gets in the news because, like, somebody got hepatitis in "Lake Hepatitis" or something) but they also don't have...{PUTS ON LARGE HAT OF THE "BEAST OF AAAAARRRRRRGGGHHH" FROM "MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL"}...THIS hat...which is the "Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh"...which is probably the noise you make when you jump INTO Lake Hepatitis...'cause it's probably cold. {BEAT} It's JUST a lake. It's just like a pond where they go the "Gathering of the Juggalos"; they CALL it "Lake Hepatitis" 'cause they think it's funny. Have to admit, I also think that's funny. Maybe this is a bridge between my world and the Juggalo world. We can agree that Lake Hepatitis is kind of a good name.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF KATHLEEN AT START OF SHOW}

Kathleen: {OFF-SCREEN} Joining me this week is...whatever Cameron is...and whatever Ian is.