NSFW Ladies Extravaganza Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- NSFW Ladies Extravaganza
{FEED DUMP TITLE}
Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where, at Ash's request, we are hockey teams that have been eliminated from the NHL playoffs. I am... Who am I, Ash?
Ash: {OFFSCREEN} Columbus Blue Jackets.
Kathleen: I am the Columbus Blue Jackets, and joining me this week is Pittsburgh,
Ash: Just needed one more to tie it up! {GROANS, COVERS HEAD IN HANDS}
{CAMERA PANS BACK TO SHOW TALLY}
Tally: Pittsburgh is the Penguins, right?
{ASH GIVES TALLY A WITHERING LOOK, TALLY LAUGHS.}
Kathleen: And another one.
Tally: I'm the Minnesota...
Ash: {OFFSCREEN} Wild.
Tally: Wild Cats?
Ash: {OFFSCREEN} Just Wild, Tally! Just that!
Tally: Wild? I'm the Minnesota Wild? {FROWNS}
Kathleen: And we're all gonna do golf or something.
{TITLE: EVERYONE DO A GOLF! THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT YEAR! (SUBTITLE: ASH LATER BEAT TALLY AND KATHLEEN ABOUT THE FACE AND NECK WITH A A SERIES OF LARGE SHOVELS.)}
Kathleen: A thirty-one year old Texas woman has been charged with failure to identify and giving false documents after she posed as a fifteen year old so she can go back to high school.
Tally: Maybe this woman is one of those mega-crazy Twilight fans because those whole books are based on the premise of "I'm an ageless vampire who can pretty much do anything I want and will live forever, so what am I gonna do? SPEND MY ENTIRE ETERNITY GOING BACK TO VARIOUS HIGH SCHOOLS TO LIVE HIGH SCHOOL OVER 'COS THAT'S FUCKING FUN!"
Kathleen: Tally, I'm sensing some um... some hostility here.
Ash: I really tentatively have to ask how she got caught, because my immediate reaction is some horrible explanation that involves statutory rape.
Tally: Yeah, that's kinda what I was thinking too, like she has a boyfriend and they start to get it on and he like takes her shirt off and is like, "Those are kinda saggy boobs for a fifteen year old!" Or she knew what she was doing in bed, I mean that's a dead giveaway at fifteen.
Kathleen: Whoa whoa, hold up, guys. It's okay, she didn't get caught 'cos of fun bedtimes that turned out to be not-so-fun creepy bedtimes. It's just the people were like, "Really? You're fifteen?" and like alerted police.
Tally: So, like, high school wasn't a complete horror for me, there were up points, but... I still can't understand missing gel pens that much.
Ash: To be fair, when we were in high school, you were the coolest kid in school if you had the most gel pens in the most colors so being an adult going back and being able to buy as many as you want... I can see that. I would do that.
Kathleen: From the further files of very, VERY poor life choices, a forty-nine year old Tennessee man was arrested after he tried to have sex with an ATM.
Tally: It's like a really fucked-up reverse of Make It Rain.
Kathleen: More like Make It Splatter.
Ash: What part of it did he stick it in? 'Cos I don't- I can't think of anything that actually... fits.
Kathleen: Well, Ash, sadly the article doesn't explain exactly how he decided to try and have sex with the ATM. {READS FROM IPAD} But after uh people caught him and they were like "Well, stop that", they told him to go sit down outside on a picnic table while the police arrived, and uh while he was waiting for the police to show up, he then tried to have sex with the picnic table. I don't know how that works either, {LAUGHS} but...
Ash: And now, thanks to that wonderful story, none of you will able to walk down the street without looking at all of your surroundings and wondering what someone has tried to have sex with.
Kathleen: Or, or on the flip side, you could walk down the street and imagine how you would fuck all the things that you see. I mean, sometimes you can turn a negative into a positive!
{SHOT OF TALLY AND ASH ON THE SOFA.}
Tally: The moral of today's Feed Dump is, there's cum on everything.
{ASH GLANCES NERVOUSLY AT TALLY AND SLIDES AWAY FROM HER.}
Tally: {INDIGNANTLY} Not everything!
Kathleen: Hey Tally, you lived in France, right?
Tally: {OFFSCREEN} Yes.
Kathleen: And you would say that France is normally well-adjusted enough that they don't make too many Feed Dump appearances?
Tally: {OFFSCREEN} They're pretty sane and stable, yeah.
Kathleen: Well, no longer. The French government has apologized after the rail company ordered two thousand trains that were too wide for its platforms as part of a regional service expansion.
Tally: Now it's been a few years and my French is rusty and je n'ai pas de mot pour tape measure, but y'all have gotta have a word for it! Really?
Ash: There has to be a "That's what she said" joke in there somewhere.
Tally: I'm sorry, your train is too wide for my tunnel.
Ash: {MOVING INTO SHOT} That's what she said!
Kathleen: Is every story on this week's Feed Dump gonna devolve into titillation and sexual innuendo 'cos there happened to be three girls on? 'Cos if so, {SMILES AND CLAPS} yayyyyy!
Tally: Well, also this story is about the French, so... derr.
Ash: What do you expect? You just gave us a story about giant metal funnel-shaped things that don't fit into their vessel. Like, it writes itself!
Tally: We are just following the track that has been laid out before us.
Kathleen: {WEARING REFEREE UNIFORM} Whoa whoa! Two minutes for bad puns, first warning!
Tally: Guys, you're ruining my train of thought! Which works in both languages because je suis de train de la pensée!
Kathleen: {WEARING REFEREE UNIFORM} Second warning, for the English one! For the French one, I didn't understand it.
Take that, mandatory French education!
Tally: Alright, I'm sorry, guys. I feel like I might have derailed our conversation a bit there.
Kathleen: {WEARING REFEREE UNIFORM} Matt penalty! YOOOOOU'RE OUTTA THERE!
{WIDE SHOT OF ASH ON THE SOFA}
Ash: Tally, if I lose this Feed Dump, I blame you 'cos I have a terrible penalty kill.
Kathleen: And with that, it's {HOLDS UP ONE FINGER} Kathleen: 1, {HOLDS UP OTHER HAND IN ZERO SHAPE} Ash and Tally: zero, meaning I win this episode! Yes! And remember, there may be better sources of news, but they aren't quite as disgusting as us {SUBTITLE: TRUE DAT} and they don't have {PUTS ON LRR-LOGO WOVEN CAP} this hat, which was made for us, so thank you very much.
{TALLY POPS UNDER FROM BEHIND THE CAPTAIN'S CHAIR, WEARING THE AUSTRALIAN SLOUCH HAT}
Tally: {TAKES OFF SLOUCH HAT} Hats off for puns!
{KATHLEEN JUMPS OFF HER SEAT AND CHASES AFTER TALLY.}
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Tally: {SINGING} The low hanging fruit, it's so delicious.
{LOOKS AT ASH, BURSTS OUT LAUGHING}
{PAN TO ASH, WHO'S LOOKING ANNOYED}
Tally: {OFFSCREEN, STILL LAUGHING} I'm a terrible person!
