More Palatable Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- More Palatable

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

{THE WATER DAMAGE DONE BY THE FLOOD HAS BEEN FIXED, SO THE DUMP-ERS ARE BACK TO THE "MOONBASE"}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we're back after our annual "Desert Bus" hiatus. And we are all video games we weren't able to play during "Desert Bus". I am "Fallout 4". Finally! Finally! Give me all them caps! Joining me this week is...

Ian: {NOW BALD AND SHAVED} "Samba de Amigo: 2000"!

Graham: {LOOKING ODDLY AT IAN} What?!

Ian: I've been saving it up.

Graham: Kay. And...

Ben: "World of Warcraft".

Graham: {TO BEN} Oh, you...you've been saving it?

Ben: No. I just never...ever...stop.

Graham: Ah...yeah.

{TITLE: WoW: LEGION PREORDERS NOW OPEN}

Graham: Houston area police have finally arrest the notorious criminal dubbed "The Cookie Monster". And I'd love it if either of you could guess why.

Ian: {TRYING TO SOUND LIKE COOKIE MONSTER...BUT SOUNDING MORE LIKE YODA} Me track you online using browsing history!

Ben: After being force-feed vegetables for many years, he decided to rob every cookie store in the tri-state area.

Ian: Arson is a "sometimes food"?

Ben: 'Cause, in every crime scene that they was at, there was always a trail of milk leading outside.

Ian: Because "Mr. Hooper" is a terribly inappropriate name for a crime lord?

Ben: Because every bag of money that he stole from the bank was "Double-Stuffed".

Graham: Well, you came close on one of those. He's been charged with armed robbery with a deadly weapon because he knocked over more than thirty fast food locations demanding...a cookie along with his cash.

Ben: Sounds like the story of the famous dimension-hopping bandit who comes from a time when you can only pay for goods and services with oatmeal and raisins.

Ian: He should be going to jail one hundred percent. I find it HIGHLY suspect that he got a fifth punch on his robbery punch card at each one of those establishments.

Ben: I mean, alternatively, he could just be Santa Claus. I mean, what ELSE does he do on his off days?

Ian: Why cookies in the first place? The REAL money's in those apple fruit pies from McDonalds!

Ben: Yeah, maybe he should've gone with the Hostess Fruit Pies. I mean, if comic books have taught me anything, if he had those he would've got away scot-free.

Graham: In an attempt to prevent soggy hamburger buns, a Los Angeles chef has invented "ketchup leather"!

Ben: Well, this is just gonna have PETA all kinds of confused.

Ian: But not NEARLY as confused as Los Angeles dominatrixes, where "S & M" now stands for "Sonics & McDonalds".

Ben: And now we'll have ANOTHER form a clothing. Leather, "pleather"...and now "kleather"!

Ian: I, myself, look to FURTHER applications of this technology, like "Relish Roll-Ups" and "Grey Poupon By the Foot".

Ben: So what's the process of actually, like, making this? Do you just...force-feed cows a ton of tomatoes...and then...cure them?

Ian: I believe the process is known as "tanning", Ben.

Ben: No, Ian, I don't think they NEED to tan; they're already a very natural shade of red.

Graham: Sadly, nothing so impressive. It's not even made like "fruit leather", either. It's literally just...dehydrated ketchup...in a cookie sheet....that's then cut into, like, squares.

Ian: This wasn't a problem that needed to be solved. Ketchup doesn't go bad. But somehow he's managed to MAKE it go bad...and now he's serving it back again as food.

Ben: Basically, you're just describing standard fast food practices. Only now you're going to have to tell them how many slices of ketchup you would like.

Ian: Wait, are they square? Or do they {FINGER QUOTES} "cut corners"?

Graham: They are square. And, if you're still trying to imagine what the texture is like, my favorite part of the article...{READS FROM iPHONE} Uh, "When asked if his product is comparable to the crusty dried ketchup that collects on the top of the bottle, he insists, 'It's KIND of like that...{IAN LAUGHS OFF-CAMERA}...but in a more controlled way, and more palatable.'"

Ian: I don't know why more people aren't using this to describe their OWN inventions. Like, my new "Heritage Apple Sauce"...which is just the composting apples you'd find in the bottom of your refrigerator crisper...but in a controlled way, and more palatable.

Ben: Or you could try "Veteran Coffee Grounds", which is really just the leftover stuff around your Keurig spigot...but in a controlled way, and more palatable.

Ian: Or "vaping", which is just the ingestion of propylene glycol...but in a controlled way, and more palatable.

Ben: {TO IAN} Wait, that's anti-freeze!

Ian: {CALMLY} Yes...strawberry cupcake anti-freeze.

Graham: Speaking of WHICH,...a woman from the UK who tried to poison her husband by making him drink anti-freeze was found guilty because she misspelled "dignity" on his forged "Do Not Resuscitate" note.

Ben: They were quick to establish that this was not "di" night that he wanted to die.

Ian: He was poisoned from drinking anti-freeze. Y'know, a-a "Do Not Resuscitate" note just doesn't mean, "just let me die from drinking anti-freeze"!

Graham: As I mentioned, he didn't die, which is why it's hilarious that she spiked a "Cherry Lambrini"...{READS FROM iPHONE}..."a drink favored by teenagers looking to get drunk on a low budget". She gave him a WINE COOLER.

Ian: There's your problem: they already HAVE anti-freeze in them. He's been building up an immunity for years.

Ben: I know both bottles have, y'know, pictures of ice and whatnot on them but usually the key defining feature between them is: one has the, uh, Smirnoff logo on it...the other has a CAR in front of it!

Ian: Oh, THAT was the mix-up: she couldn't spell and she thought it said "Lamborghini"!

Graham: And so, to keep alive what little dignity WE still have remaining, this has been Feed Dump. Until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news but they don't have THIS hat...{PUTS ON A PAPER FULL-HEAD SKELETON MASK}...which is actually a full-head replacement! Hello, I'm "Skels-man". {WAVES TO CAMERA}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{BACK TO GRAHAM IN SKELETON MASK, STILL WAVING}

Graham: This is all I got. {BREAKS AND REMOVES IT WHILE BEN "DOO-DO-DOO"S THE THEME MUSIC}