Marathon Train Poop Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Marathon Train Poop

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: And now a new recurring segment called The Beginning of the Show.

{TITLE: IT'S THE BEGINNING OF THE SHOW. THE SHOW IS STARTING NOW}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, bringing you the news you didn't know you wanted. I'm a tall latte, joining me this week is a flat white

Kathleen: Did you know the flat white was invented by baristas in New Zealand?

Graham: And a grande no-whip chocolate ginger frapucchino with pumpkin spice!

Andy: I'm seasonal!

Graham: And we've got nothing to lose!

{TITLE: WE'VE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE/NEWS}

Graham: Things to do after running a marathon: hydrate, eat, stretch, give birth. I wouldn't recommend that last one, but a lady did after the Chicago marathon.

Kathleen: Wow, you know what? I bet with the extra baby weight she was carrying, she was really able to get her heart rate up and burn even more calories.

Andy: This is great, because it's energy efficient. Athletes are like elks. She can run the first fifteen miles, cop a squat, shoot it out, and the kid could run the last six.

Kathleen: Are you saying the newborn baby of a marathoner is gonna run six miles, Andy?

Andy: Only if she does a lot of lateral crunches. That's... that's all you got, {DOING LATERAL CRUNCHES, MUMBLING} that's how you tone the, looks like veal, only muscular.

Kathleen: I don't know, six miles is only 10k, that doesn't seem that long for the kid of a marathoner. That's all I'm saying.

Andy: I see what you did there.

Kathleen: See, we can make these jokes, 'cause we can run 10 kilometres, and I know I'm at least as good at running as a baby.

Graham: Really? I'm way better than a baby. I will kick a baby's ass! {WEARING BACKWARDS BLUE BASEBALL CAP} {MIMES RUNNING} {LOOKS DOWN} Ha ha ha! Loser! Ha ha ha ha ha!

{WITHOUT CAP} The new mother said "that was the longest day of my life," which is understandable considering she ran a marathon and then spent actually a pretty slim two hours and twenty minutes in labour.

Andy: Well that's not surprising at all, the kid has been bouncing against a cervix for the past four hours, it loosened it up!

Kathleen: No, that's how babies work, he's right.

{IMAGE PAUSES, SUBTITLE APPEARS: (NOT ACTUALLY HOW BABIES WORK)}

Graham: This is more a comment on the story itself, rather than the content of it. The CBC wrote an article one, that Big Ben might be listing slightly, and two, they refer to the tower as Big Ben, which is wrong.

Kathleen: Do you know what it's time for?! {EXCITED FACE}

{TITLE: KATHLEEN'S POLITICAL FACT OF THE WEEK}

Kathleen: Did you know that Big Ben is not actually that clock tower? Big Ben is the bell within the clock tower! The clock tower is simply, "The Clock Tower at Westminster Palace."

Andy: Well, first of all, this is terrible for Italy, because all the tour- the obnoxio- OK.

First of all, this is terrible for Italy, 'cause all the-

First of all, this is terrible for Italy's tourist ecompny. Ecompony.

Italy's tourist economy, because all the obnoxious tourists do this {MIMES BEING CRUSHED} AUGH! in front of the leaning tower of Pisa are just gonna stay home!

Kathleen: On the bright side, it could reinvigorate the English tourist economy!

Andy: {IN OBNOXIOUS BRITISH ACCENT} Nigel! Nigel come 'ere! Are you go {POINTS UP} I'm {MIMES BEING CRUSHED} Aaaaughyes! Yes, right! Yes!

Kathleen: And they didn't have to go to Europe and inflict that upon Italians. Everybody wins!

Andy: And other countries in Europe could use different leaning towers to jump-start their economies, like Iceland or Spain or Greece.

Kathleen: Greece needs like, fifty of those goddamn towers.

Graham: {LOOKING DOWN} Chiropractors in the UK are warning that there may be a new affliction affecting cell phone users called "Text neck."

Andy: I'm pretty sure Textneck is one of the ancient Egyptian gods.

Kathleen: Is that why they're called Cairo-practers?! You learn something new every day.

Andy: Oooooh SNAP! She d- no, you d-aaaaaoooooowww! AAAUGH! OOoww. {HOLDS NECK} Ow.

{PAN TO KATHLEEN, WHO IS LAUGHING}

{PAN BACK TO ANDY}

Andy: Got Egyptian god on my neck.

Graham: If you're a passenger on Dutch railways and you really, really need to use the washroom right now, they have come up with a solution: they will give you a plastic bag.

Kathleen: Wait, are you serious?

Graham: You can ask the driver for a biodegradable plastic bag and then step into the driver's cab to do it. So the {LAUGHING} fucking driver has to sit there while you're taking a shit in a plastic bag beside him! Who's stupid idea was this?!

Andy: I hope this is some sort of translation thing, like, this is just, this is just the entire country is, it's a gigantic misunderstanding. "Excuse me, where's the wash" {IN FAKE DUTCH} "Thirty higta corti conta icumu dorda plastic bag, OK?!"

Toilet must mean the same, must be the same word for peanuts, or something, so they give them like this little, or even, I don't-. What the fuck?!

Kathleen: Yes, Andy, I'm sure it's just all a gigantic and hilarious international misunderstanding. We think they mean "shit in this plastic bag whilst the driver watches," but they're actually saying "would you like some complimentary peanuts?"

Andy: But then where are the peanuts, it's an empty bag?!

{PAN TO KATHLEEN}

Kathleen: {LAUGHS} You make your own peanuts- {LAUGHS}

Andy: {LAUGHING}

Kathleen: {OFF SCREEN} Chocolate covered.

Kathleen: I would like to apologize to all our Dutch viewers, on behalf of your stupid train system.

Graham: The Dutch again! Dutch drivers who've previously been found to be driving drunk will have their cars fitted with alco-locks. A lock that when they sit down and get in the car, they must blow into it. It's a dashboard mounted breathalyzer that will not start the engine if they're over the legal limit.

Andy: I find this very interesting that it's only limited to alcohol when you're... IT'S AMSTERDAM, for god's sake, they should have like, a breathalyzer for just syphilis, you know? There should- I imagine people with syphilis can drive, but they're probably very unhappy about it.

Kathleen: {WEARING WHITE BERET} I could drive, but the mild burning sensation I feel within my genitals and the slow insanity creeping into my brain is ever so slightly distracting.

About halfway through that, I was like, going long, I was like, "I'm doing great, wait, I don't actually know what syphilis does! Does it make your like, your dick burn or something, no! It makes you crazy!" But I like, rolled right into that. I don't think you can tell that I had no idea what I was saying. I'm... professional.

Graham: So until next time, this has been Feed Dump, and remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON HAND MADE GREEN LINK HAT} this hat, and I know they don't have this hat, because someone made it for me.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF ANDY AND KATHLEEN STANDING, LEANING BACKWARDS, DOING THE WALK LIKE AN EGYPTIAN POSE, EXCEPT WITH ONE ARM BEHIND THEIR BACKS}

Kathleen: {DANCING} Dance like a chiropractor! Doot doot doot!

Andy: {DANCING} OH GOD {FALLS OVER}