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Manliness is a quality intrinsic to all men; the amount, however, varies significantly. Manliness is made up of many deciding factors, best represented by the equation (in its simplest form):


Table of contents maybe?


The term, as defined today, originated in Man Cooking 2, coined by Morgan.

As a property, however, Manliness was defined mathematically by a team of scientists hired(for free, in the forums) by LRR after Morgan proposed its existence.


The simplest form of the equation is



  • M is Manliness (see below for units)
  • L is Largliness
    • Note that M is in direct proportion to L
  • D is Denseliness
  • C is Conquestliness
  • P is for Pyroness, or the amount of fire included

The nature of Manliness is, however, much more complex and many of these terms must be broken down to accurately quantify the amount of Manliness.


Largliness is a relative quantity. For a given object of size S, the largliness is equal to S divided by the average size of the object under normal circumstances, Savg to the tenth power. S can be measured in any units so long as S and Savg are in the same units so that L is unitless.



Conquestliness is broken down into the following equation:



  • B=Blood (in liters)
  • S=Sweat (in liters)
  • T=Tears (in liters)
  • Pk=Objects vanquished (originally people killed)
  • Ps=Objects preserved (originally people saved)
  • N=Number of faces melted
  • W=Number of women
  • S=Number of times copulating with said women
  • $= the amount of money earned by accomplishing the task (in USD)

It is important to note that the P variables must be carefully determined based on intent. For example, in measuring the manliness of eating a giant burrito, the finishing of one burrito would give a Pk value of 1 and a Ps value of 0. If only half the burrito was finished, Pk will be equal to .5, but Ps will remain equal to 0 because the goal of the task was to finish the burrito, not to preserve it. Were the task instead to save the burrito from some impending doom, Ps would be equal to 1 and Pk would be equal to 0.


Things that pose a threat, emotional, physical, mortal or otherwise are risky contribute to riskliness. We can say, then, that riskliness will be equal to the sum of all the things that can pose a threat to the status quo. This means, unfortunately, that we need to break down this term some.

  • Physical/Mortal threats:
    • Pointy objects
    • Heights
    • Animals/Insects
    • Assailants
    • Speed
    • Noxious Chemicals
    • Electricity
    • Guns
    • Explosives
    • Surgery requiring stitches
    • Time spent without oxygen (underwater, strangled etc)
    • Disease
  • Emotional Threats:
    • Friends/family in danger
    • Torture
    • Isolation

Mortal Threats

So, if we say R=m+E, and we focus on m first,

  • Guns, pointy things, and explosives can all be lumped together under We the number of weapons,
  • Noxious Chemicals (Nx) pose an interesting problem, as there are a number of things that make chemicals hazardous. Luckily, the NFPA ( has established a handy code for chemical safety. I propose that Nx be equal to the sum of the numbers present, plus 2 for each additional symbol (radioactive etc) plus the absolute value of the pH of the substance relative to 7. Or,
   Nx=SDi +(2*Sym) + |pH-7| 
  • Time spent without oxygen, disease, and surgery can all be condensed into Med under a simple sum.

<math>Med = the number of stitches + the time spent without oxygen + a disease quantifier</math>

Disease is tricky, but once again the government is here to help. The CDC has a 4 level system for biological containment, a list of recommended containment levels for various disease causing agents is available from the CDC's website ( This gives us:

  • Electricity must be carefully considered, because there are two things at play, Amperage and Voltage. Without enough voltage, amperage will do nothing, but voltage without amperage will also do nothing. Luckily, Voltage * Amperage is equal to the Power, and Power is manly. We will consider the power in Watts, and abbreviate it as Wa. We will come back to this.
  • Assailants and animals/insects can be lumped together. Importantly though, they are much more dangerous with weaponry, so we must bring back our We variable. We will abbreviate assailants and animals/insects as just one variable, At. For this section, we can say
  • This leaves speed and heights. Doing things at high speed is very manly, and doing them at great heights (or depths) is also manly. Including these terms, however, requires that we incorporate the rest of our variables. First, however, let's establish that He=|Sea Level-Height| and Sp is simply m/s. To account for the fact that doing things at great heights and speeds is manly, let us say He*Sp.

Now, to mesh it together,



   m=|Sea Level-Height|*Sp*((At*(Gu+Ex+Po)*(Amps*Volts)+(St+To+Cd^4)+(SDi +(2*Sym) + |pH-7|)) 

Emotional Trauma

E is for emotional trauma

  • Time spent away from people is manly as it tests the spirit. As such, we include Is, the time spent in Isolation.
  • Surviving torture is manly. So Tr is the time spent surviving torture in minutes.
  • F=the number of friends/family/pets/loved ones that are in danger



Which makes

   R=(Is+Tr+F)+|Sea Level-Height|*Sp*((At*(Gu+Ex+Po)*(Amps*Volts)+(St+To+Cd^4)+(SDi +(2*Sym) + |pH-7|)) 
  • Finally, we need to add beardliness into the equation. We will quantify Beardliness as a combination of 2 factors. The Surface Area of face that stubble covers (in cm^3) and the relative coarseness based on a simple scale. The scale is as follows:
  • 2=Paint Stripping brush
  • 1.5=Tooth brush
  • 1=Average
  • .5=Yarn
  • 0=Baby's Ass

If the coarseness cannot be directly determined, the factor will be assumed to be 1.


So the final form of the Riskliness coefficient is as follows:

   R=(Is+Tr+F)+|Sea Level-Height|*Sp*((At*(Gu+Ex+Po)*(Amps*Volts)+(St+To+Cd^4)+(SDi +(2*Sym) + |pH-7|))+(Sa*Co) 

Where E=Emotional trauma

    Is=Time spent in isolation (days)
    Tr=Time spent surviving torture (minutes)
    F=Number of loved ones in danger

m=Mortal trauma

    He=the absolute value of height relative to sea level (in m)
    Sp= The velocity of the system (in m/s)
    At=The number of attackers (human, animal and insect)
        Gu=Number of guns
        Ex=Number of explosive devices
        Po=Number of pointy things
    Wa=Power (Amps*Volts)
    Med=Medical trauma
       St=Number of stitches
       To=The amount of time (in seconds) w/o oxygen
       Cd=The CDC quarantine level (found here:
    Nx=Noxious substances
       Di=The numbers on the NFPA warning label
       Sym=Any additional symbols on the NFPA warning label
       pH=The pH of the substance relative to neutral (7)


    Sa=Surface area (in cm^2) of skin covered by stubble 
    Co=Coarseness according to the scale:
     *2=Paint Stripping brush
     *1.5=Tooth brush
     *0.0=Baby's Ass


The units of Manliness are the vanHumbeck, abbreviated V sub H, in honor of Morgan vanHumbeck a leader in experimental Manliness research.