Man Poops on Floor of Bank Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Man Poops on Floor of Bank

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump, where it's almost July 4th so in honor of a bunch of national holidays that are happening right now, I am a Freedom Eagle, screeching through the skies and clutching a dollar bill in my talons! Ka-kaw, America! Joining me this week is the Freedom Beaver?

Tally: We are the great and powerful Freedom Beavers, America's... party hats.

Kathleen: And the Freedom Beer.

Ash: {HOLDING RED BEER CAN} Because... beer.

{TITLE: BEER! THE NATIONAL DRINK OF EVERY NATION ON EARTH! REMEMBER, A BEER A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY. UNTIL YOUR LIVER FAILS./BEER! BEER! BEER!}

Kathleen: Say you're born with a boring, average dull name like Kathleen. Bleh, who wants that name? Why not change your name to something like Han Solo? What could possibly go wrong? Well, you could be denied a passport.

Tally: It's against regulations to issue passports to scoundrels.

Ash: There's some sort of sick irony in naming yourself after somebody who's an intergalactic pirate and not be able to travel outside of your own country.

Tally: He's not doing the Kessel Run in any parsecs.

{SHOT OF TALLY AND ASH ON THE SOFA. TALLY IS WEARING A DARK HOOD OVER HER HEAD.}

Tally: {WEARING DARK HOOD} We can pay you two thousand now, plus fifteen when we reach Alderaan.

Ash: Okay, about that... Um, I don't actually have a passport so technically it's not {AIR-QUOTES} "legal" for me to leave Tatooine. The Empire doesn't really like my name.

Tally: {TAKES OFF DARK HOOD} Are you a smuggler?

Ash: Yeah, but it's really hard to smuggle things in when you don't have a freaking passport!

Tally: ...The Force is not strong with this guy.

Kathleen: Sometimes people are jerks. As evidenced, somebody adopted a dog from a high-kill shelter (good thing), and then returned it (bad thing). But why did they return it?

Tally: I'm allergic to dogs. Oops.

Ash: Yeah, I need to return this dog. Nobody told me I had to feed it.

{SHOT OF TALLY AND ASH ON THE SOFA.}

Ash: I actually can't think of any reason someone would return a non-violent dog.

Tally: ...Now, Ash, remind me: What annoys you that Buster does?

Ash: Well, he barks at the TV, he's afraid of just about anything that cleans the house, uh... he barks at other dogs and children... Okay, yeah.

Tally: {MAKES 'THERE-YOU-ARE-THEN' GESTURE}

Kathleen: Yeah, but... would you return a dog because it farted too much? Because that's why these people returned this dog. It was perfectly fine, it was good with other dogs, it was good with children, but it just passed too much gas.

Tally: You can do that? ...Would they take family members?

Ash: Oh man, if I had known that, so many of my ex-boyfriends could have just gone back to the pound!

Tally: Come on, guys, let's not be Texas.

Kathleen: {BARES HER FINGERS LIKE TALONS} Freedom Eagle! Ka-kaw!

Ash: This is a kill shelter. This dog is going to die because it had too much gas and no one even tried Beeno.

Kathleen: Don't worry! The dog was readopted by somebody who wasn't a complete shitbag. {BURPS LOUDLY}

{SHOT OF TALLY AND ASH ON THE SOFA.}

Tally: Out! You're gonna die!

Ash: You knew the rules, Kathleen.

{BOTH SHAKE THEIR HEADS}

Kathleen: So, nobody really likes to go to the bank. You gotta wait in line for like twenty minutes, and when you get up to the teller, it's like bad news. It's like "Oh, I'm bad with money." But, it could be worse. You could have been in a Barclay's bank in Andover, where people were waiting around and a calm, but angry man came in and then pooed on the floor several times, and then left.

Ash: 'Kay, I don't know what the big deal is. My dog does that like every other day.

Tally: Yeah, our cat too! We just carry around a spray bottle with some bleach and takes care of it every time.

Ash: The moral of this story is that whenever you run errands, you need to bring around a spray bottle with some water and vinegar in it, in case somebody comes in and shits on the floor.

Tally: Be prepared, because shit happens.

Kathleen: What really gets me about this story is not the poo. It's the descriptor, "calm, but angry", because in order to determine somebody's mood, you gotta look at them. And I'm not sure I wanna make eye contact with somebody who's SHITTING ON THE FLOOR OF A BANK!

Ash: I'm not an expert on this... but to be fair, think of anybody's shit face... I would describe that as "calm, but angry".

Tally: What, this? This is just my resting shit face. {SCRUNCHES UP FACE} {BREAKS INTO LAUGHTER}

{PANS TO ASH, WHO'S ALSO LAUGHING AND CLAPPING}

Kathleen: Okay, um, {LAUGHS} we were gonna do more Feed Dump, but I can't top that. We're done, this Feed Dump is over. So remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON ORANGE BUNNY-STYLE HAT} this hat! {ADJUSTS EARS} Bunny hat! {BOBS HEAD SIDE TO SIDE} Now just remember, this adorable hat was made by a lady who just showed you her resting shit face. {LAUGHS}

{ASH LAUGHS OFFSCREEN}

{CAMERA PANS TO CLOSE UP OF TALLY AS SHE PULLS HER RESTING SHIT FACE AGAIN.}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF TALLY BUT PANS TO ASH AS SHE SPEAKS}

Ash: {LAUGHING} I offended myself as it entered my brain!

{LYING BACK ON THE SOFA} You could write a book of dad jokes, you know.

{TALLY LAUGHS}

Kathleen: Now before you guys get upset, the dog was readopted by people who weren't complete shitbags. {TRIES TO BURP, FAILS BADLY} D'ah, that wasn't a very good one. {TRIES AGAIN, TO NO AVAIL} {PATS HER CHEST WITH HER FIST} Come on! {TALLY LAUGHS OFFSCREEN} It's one of my one skills is to burp on command!

Tally: Be prepared, because shit happens.

{PANS TO ASH}

Ash and Kathleen: OOHHHHHHHH!!

{KATHLEEN, WEARING BUNNY-STYLE HAT, STRUGGLES TO CONTAIN HER GIGGLES, AS ASH AND TALLY LAUGH OFFSCREEN}

Ash: {OFFSCREEN} It's all class here on Feed Dump, guys!

Kathleen: {STILL LAUGHING} Very classy!