Life is Like a Movie Transcript

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Transcript for Life is Like a Movie


{Scene opens with Paul and Morgan lying on their backs on the grass, looking up at the camera}

Paul: You know, I've been thinking.

Morgan: Mm-hmm?

Paul: Life is like a straw. It sucks.

Morgan: Hmm. Okay, okay. Life is like getting pants'd in high school.

Paul: {turns to look at Morgan} What?

Morgan: Yeah, I got pants'd once in high school. Very embarrassing. Haven't told anyone about it.

Paul: That's supposed to be a metaphor for life, not just what happened to you.

Morgan: Oh, okay. Well, life is like a taxi ride. You keep getting charged whether you're moving or at a stop light.

Paul: Hmm, good one. 'Kay, life is like a piece of cheese. If you get life, you could get me a piece of cheese.

Morgan: {scoffs} Pff, you just want a piece of cheese.

Paul: So? I like cheese.

Morgan: That's fair. Everyone likes cheese. How 'bout this, how 'bout this, okay? Life is like an art house film. Everyone appears to be enjoying it, but to you, it's just needlessly complex.

Paul: Mmm. Life is like a Fed-Ex box. You don't know how it's gonna be redirected, but eventually it'll get where it's going.

Morgan: Unless you're not there and have to send it the next day.

Paul: Yes!

Morgan: Mmm. ...Life is like a box of chocolates.

Paul: {moves hand and hits buzzer offscreen} Taken.

Morgan: Oh. Oh, damn. ...Life is like a prostate exam. It's embarrassing, it's unavoidable, it's invasive, but you just gotta grit your teeth and take it.

Paul: That's gross.

Morgan: Aha! But so is life!

Paul: {concedes the point} Well-played. ...Alright, alright, I got it. Life is like a fair.

Morgan: Go on.

Paul: Well, you see- Oh, actually, uh, I've a better way to describe this.

Morgan: Ah.

{Paul and Morgan get up from the ground. Camera changes to reveal that they were lying in the middle of a field where a fair is in fact going on.}

Paul: Okay, so the fair, right?

Morgan: Yeah.

Paul: Everyone knows it's coming.

Morgan: Okay.

Paul: And then suddenly it's there. Everyone's really excited. And then one day it's gone, right? And then everyone just goes about their everyday lives.

{Camera cuts to Paul and Morgan walking among the rides}

Morgan: Yeah, alright, I'll take that. But what about the rides?

Paul: Well, the rides, right? The rides are like the stages of your life. So you start on the rides like Rock Town, you know, which is like your childhood. And then we go on to the haunted house, which is a little bit older. Uh, but what you really want to do is get on the cool rides, like the Skymaster and the Zipper here. But uh, but you can't because you aren't tall enough.

Morgan: Yeah.

Paul: And then one day, it finally comes, and you can get onto the big rides, and you find out that all it is, it just gives you nausea, and you start throwing up.

Morgan: Yeah.

Paul: And it's not very fun. And then you find out that now you are too big to get on the small rides.

{Cut to them standing at the back of a crowd in front of the bandstand}

Morgan: Yeah, I see what you're saying. And then you get really old, and you can't even go on the Totem Whirl anymore, because your back's gone, and you just have to mosey down to the bandstand so you can watch the hammering competition.

Paul: Exactly! This is what I'm talking about.

Morgan: Yeah.

{Cut to them in the midway section}

Morgan: Alright, so what's the midway?

Paul: {thinks for a moment} Okay, okay! So the midway is like life's temptations, right? I mean, it's expensive...

Morgan: Yeah.

Paul: It's challenging, the odds are always stacked against you, and the best you can get in the end is a goofy hat.

{Cut to Paul outside the concession stand. Morgan comes in later, wearing a rather goofy hat for the rest of the episode}

Morgan: Alright, well what about the concession?

Paul: ...Okay, fine. The concession, uh... 'Kay, the concession is like your expenses. Uh, you have to wait in a long line, you know, and you have to pay too much for something you didn't really want in the first place, and then finally you end up spilling it all over your new shirt. ...Oh, your new shirt represents your credit rating.

Morgan: Ahh!

Paul: Yeah.

{Cut to them at the back of a long line for the tickets}

Morgan: And the ticket sellers?

Paul: Okay, so the ticket sellers... The ticket sellers are like your parents.

Morgan: Okay.

Paul: Because they give you the support to go onto the rides, which are your stages of life. And uh, and some rides, they take more tickets, uh, than others. And also, you can get... a discount if you buy the tickets in packs of forty.

Morgan: Right, right, okay. Well, what about the cotton candy guy?

Paul: Okay, okay. The cotton candy guy is just the cotton candy guy! That's it.

Morgan: {shrugs} Okay.

Paul: He doesn't have to- he's life's cotton candy guy!

Morgan: Okay, just the cotton candy guy. What about the carnies?

Paul: Not everything has to make a part of the metaphor, okay? It's- it's just a metaphor, it doesn't have to make sense.

Morgan: Aha! Life is like a metaphor, it doesn't have to make sense!

{Paul thinks it over, then he pulls out a piece of paper and unfolds it}

Paul: Ha! That'll work! {takes pen out of pocket and writes it down}

Morgan: Oh, great! Great.

Paul: Okay, question five.

Morgan: Yeah?

Paul: {as they walk offscreen} A train leaves Boston going forty-five miles an hour...