Lawlessness Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Lawlessness

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump where, this week, we are "weird places we've slept". I am "a well-appointed house in an affluent neighborhood in Vancouver...on the living room floor in the corner behind the table". Joining me this week is Beej...

Beej: On some cardboard, on the floor, in a supply closet at a brewery...weekly.

Graham: ...and Alex.

Alex: On some cardboard, on the concrete floor of an ice rink at a LAN party.

Graham: Man, you guys had cardboard?! Nice!

{TITLE: I SLEEP IN A PAPER BAG IN A SEPTIC TANK}

Graham: The Michigan senate unanimously voted on Wednesday to repeal seven outdated laws. And I would love to hear your thoughts on what you think they might be.

Alex: You can no longer kill a Scotsman on holy ground using a crossbow?

Beej: French is no longer the official first language.

Alex: It's now legal to wear pants again?

Beej: All drivers of import automobiles no longer have to have a small man standing in front waving a red flag.

Alex: Bomb shelters can no longer also be tax shelters.

Beej: If you own a dog and a cat, they are no longer living in sin.

Graham: All solid ideas...no. But, get a load of the ones that WERE real laws only just repealed in 2015. {READS FROM iPHONE} "Singing 'The Star-Spangled Banner' in a non-traditional or disrespectful manner"...three-month jail sentence.

{SFX: "LAW & ORDER" 'BANG-BANG'; TITLE: DISRESPECTFUL DITTIES}

{SHOT OF BOTH BEEJ AND ALEX}

Beej & Alex: "A disrespectful manner"?!

{ALEX STARTS DOING THE ANTHEM IN "RASPBERRIES"}

Beej: {SINGING WAY OFF KEY} "While the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air gave proof through the night that our flag was still there!"

{BACK TO SOLO SHOTS}

Alex: They can start selling Hendrix albums again!

Graham: {READING FROM iPHONE} A hundred-dollar fine or ninety-day jail sentence for "hosting an endurance contest such as a walk-a-thon".

{SFX: "LAW & ORDER" 'BANG-BANG'; TITLE: WALKING IT OFF}

Alex: {GYRATING HIS HIPS TOWARDS THE CAMERA} ANY kind of endurance contest?!

Beej: {GYRATING HIS HIPS TOWARDS THE CAMERA} 'Cause I've had this erection for over four hours!

Alex: {GYRATING HIS HIPS TOWARDS THE CAMERA, TALKING TO BEEJ} Contact your doctor!

Graham: {READING FROM iPHONE} A ninety-day jail sentence for "trespassing on a cranberry, huckleberry or blackberry marsh".

{SFX: "LAW & ORDER" 'BANG-BANG'; TITLE: BERRY BERRY ILLEGAL}

Beej: Nah-HAH! I know that's a false law because there ain't no such thing as a "huckleberry"!

Alex: {TO BEEJ} I have a pie you should taste.

Beej: I like pie.

Evil Alex: {WITH DEVIL HORNS ON, WHISPERING TO CAMERA} It's a pie of lies!

Graham: {TO BEEJ} Huckleberries are real.

Beej: {OFFSCREEN} Well, they SOUND fake!

Graham: {READING FROM iPHONE} Further laws: "requiring any able-bodied man over the age of 18 to respond to the State Department of Natural Resources to help out in cases of emergency". Failure to do so would be a misdemeanor.

{SFX: "LAW & ORDER" 'BANG-BANG'; TITLE: I NEED AN ADULT}

Beej: Is this, like, "bear attack"? Or "we need to cut brush"?

Alex: We need to cut up some bear brushes.

Beej: We need to brush a bear.

Alex: Help us with these plants; the brush-land is bare.

Beej: Bear brush, brush...bear...brush...bear, BARE BRUSH, BRUSH! BRU-

{CHANNEL TWO'S "TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES" SLATE}

Alex: BARE BEAR BARE BEAR!!!

Graham: One year in jail for "using certain words in advertising related to sexual diseases" such as {READING FROM iPHONE} "lost manhood" or "lost vitality and vigor".

{SFX: "LAW & ORDER" 'BANG-BANG'; TITLE: ACTUAL PENIS JOKES}

Alex: We can use coded language again! We won't have to say "dick-rod" anymore!

Beej: {IN FEDORA, TALKING LIKE A SALESMAN} Say, fellas! Yer cock fulla puss? I got just tha thing ya can inject in yer prick!

Alex: "Lost manhood"...Hey, fellas. have you misplaced your literal penis? We'll help ya FIND it!

Beej: Didn't they have a Kickstarter for this already? I mean, like, it was like a little dingy that you, like, stick on your "dingy" and then, if it walks away, then your phone gets a "ding"-y?

Alex: The "phone dingy" was a SEPARATE Kickstarter.

Graham: This one's a LITTLE weird: it will no longer be illegal for doctors to {READING FROM iPHONE} "keep or display the remains of a deformed human being or {FINGER QUOTES} 'human monstrosity' except for medical classes".

{SFX: "LAW & ORDER" 'BANG-BANG'; TITLE: KEEP HANDS OF THE DISPLAY CASE}

Beej: Wait, let's not be too hasty! Like, we could stand to walk that one back and, maybe, still keep the display of human monstrosities for "shits and giggles" illegal!

Alex: Can you repeal a repealment? A repealation? Re-pang-dong-ninger-bong-flangle...can we, can we bring it back?

Beej: I would LOVE to meet the lobbyists who were working for Dr. Moreau.

Alex: How BAD was this problem that it had to be a law in the first place?!

Beej: {IN LAB COAT AND GOGGLES, LIKE A MAD SCIENTIST} FINALLY! Fetch me Daddy's lucky sac! It's full of "lost manhoods"!

Graham: And, finally, there was also misdemeanors that carried $750 fines for {READING FROM iPHONE} "swearing in front of women and children" AND "making fun of someone who refused to accept a duel"!

Alex: Does this mean we get to dust off {FINGER QUOTES} "Fraidy cat"?!

{SFX: "LAW & ORDER" 'BANG-BANG'; TITLE: FUCK! I MISSED MY CUE...}

Beej: This just in: women and children NOT made of glass and won't fall to dust if you curse in front of them.

{CUT TO BEEJ (IN POLICE HAT) AND ALEX}

Alex: Fuck!

Beej: Seven-fifty!

Alex: SHIT!

Beej: Fifteen hundred!

Alex: ASS-COCK!!

Beej: Twenty-two-fifty! I'll give you two-for-one, but I can do this all day!

{BACK TO SOLO SHOTS}

Beej: These days, kids swear better than I do!

Alex: {WEARING TUQUE OF KITTY WITH A BOW ON TOP, AS CHILD} Pussy-felcher!

Beej: {IN POLICE HAT} How do I write that up?!

Graham: I like that "making fun of someone who refused a duel" apparently happened enough that they had to make a law about it! Like, wh..."Hey, Gary doesn't want to get shot! What a chod!"

Beej: Or, more likely, one guy - very highly placed in the community - challenged to a duel. He was, like, "I'm not going to fight you." And everyone mocked him in the streets. So he was, like, "I'll show you! I'll have a law made in my name and then no one can mock me ever again!"

Graham: Ha! Gary made a law so we couldn't make fun of him for refusing that duel! What a chod!

Beej: "Ah, curses! A dastardly loophole! Wait, I'll make a law where I..."

Graham: And so it was that Michigan senate law makers gave us an entire episode of Feed Dump. Until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news but they don't have...{PUT ON FLAT CAP WITH CURLY HORNS ON THE SIDES}...THIS hat...which I am wearing because...there are those who call me..."Tim"? And I politely inform them that that is not my name. And, like, "what the hell, man? We've known each other since high school. I know there's, like, three guys named 'Tim' in our grad class but I'm not one of them...it's the beard, isn't it? It's the beard...OK...all right."

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Beej: A walk-a-thon is probably the lamest endurance competition I can think of. I mean..."How long can you walk?" "A while. Do you wanna watch?" Barring a guy in the 70s who had cancer, it wasn't that interesting.