Last March of the Ents Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump - Last March of the Ents

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Ian: Welcome to Feed Dump. It's the last Friday before Halloween, so we're all taking a trip down memory lane as we are "Halloween costumes we wore as children". I am a "cowboy with a hammer" because I wasn't allowed to wander around with a gun on the streets. Joining me this week is "a tube of toothpaste"...

Kate: Not a particularly SCARY Halloween costume but I was super into oral care that year.

Ian: ...and "a dinosaur".

Serge: What? I just really dug dinosaurs.

{TITLE: SERGE, THOSE PEOPLE ARE CALLED PALENTOLOGISTS}

Ian: A Maine resident was arrested for obstructing traffic while crossing the street dressed as a bush.

Kate: And, on this week's "DIY Tuesday", we're gonna make our own Gilly suit.

Serge: It's just the latest fashion with the kids. "Forget camo, I'm going full force!"

Kate: It's not even Halloween; you guys have GOT to chill out with the Christmas decorations!

Ian: {READING FROM SMARTPHONE} According to the story, one Asher Wood(s)worth is a local performance artist in Portland, Maine. He says, "I just had this very clear vision as I was meditating one day" and wants to make people "rethink their expectations".

Serge: I've met some other {FINGER QUOTES} "tree men" who were offering me {FINGER QUOTES} "expectations" on the {FINGER QUOTES} "street". And, uh,...{SHAKES HEAD}...yeah, don't go for it, kids.

Kate: It sounds like he was trying to get them to rethink their expectations of their upcoming "peyote trip" 'cause that's the ONLY way that this makes sense at all.

Ian: When asked why he was dressing up as a tree, he said he feels a very strong "kinship" for the trees and reported that the outfit "smelled great".

Serge: Hold on. So, after all of this, he just did it because it smells nice?!

Kate: Dude, just get, like, a candle or an air freshener or, like, a reed diffuser. I shit you not, I spent, like, thirty minutes today smelling, like, pine candles. They're really good these days. You don't need to dress as a fucking tree.

Ian: Well, the outfit WAS made out of a mixture of different trees and it took he and he friends several hours to put it on.

Kate: He has FRIENDS?! Not just one but MULTIPLE friends?!?

Serge: I dunno, Kate. What if his friends are Ents? Like from "Lord of the Rings"? That would totally explain why it would take hours to put that costume together.

Kate: Oh, "Lord of the Rings". {HOLDS UP iPHONE} I thought you guys were talking about "r/ents" where the top post is now, "Got stood up on a date so I'm smoking until I'm convinced Pokemon are real". They call themselves "ents" because they smoke trees.

Ian: Police in Gunma, Japan are reporting that a 63-year-old karate expert is the unlikely victor of a fight with a bear.

Serge: {EXCITED} These are the kinds of stories I want to HEAR about! This is GREAT! CONTINUE these martial traditions! Go into the forest and fight a bear! Actually, real talk, don't fight a bear. That's...that's not a good idea.

Ian: {READING FROM SMARTPHONE} Atsushi Aoki was fishing in the mountains of Gunma Prefecture when the animal emerged from the woodland. Mr. Aoki says that the bear had "rounded ears that were perfectly circular like that of a teddy bear and its face was so huge."

Kate: {COUNTING OFF ON FINGERS} Round ears, huge head...he's just describing a bear. That's just what bears look like.

Ian: {STILL READING MR. AOKI'S ACCOUNT FROM SMARTPHONE} "The bear had such, such strength. I was knocked over when it leapt at me. It scratched me and bit me. But in the end I managed to trick the bear, poked it in the eyes and it ran away."

Serge: This doesn't sound super-martial-artsy. "Poked in the eye" sounds like my last encounter with a cat.

Kate: Serge, you clearly just don't know martial arts very well. "Poke in the eye" is, like, "black belt" stuff and I'm pretty sure you only got your green belt so...

Serge: Oh, no, Kate. You got that wrong. The CAT poked ME in the eye.

Kate: Wait, is THAT why you call my cat "sensei"?!

Ian: Dateline: Lehigh Valley, Pennsylvania. The local marathon is delayed by ten full minutes because of...{LOOKS TO CO-HOSTS}...what?

Serge: The final person crossing the finish line of the LAST marathon. They take FOREVER.

Kate: Stoned guy dressed as a tree?

Serge: Stoned OLD MAN dressed as a tree.

Kate: Stoned old man dressed as a tree attacking a BEAR.

Serge: Karate cat sensei teaching the stoned old man dressed as a tree HOW to fight the bear. {WHISPERING} Sweep the leg.

Ian: No. You're BOTH terrible at this game. It was actually a train. A slow train crossed the path of the race, causing one hundred of the competitors to be delayed by up to ten minutes. One of whom was on the last chance of his life to qualify for the Boston Marathon...and came in eight minutes over his qualifying time.

Kate: {OFF-SCREEN} (GASP) No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

{ON-SCREEN} Fucking...trains!

Serge: Kate, that sounds like you've got personal beef with trains.

Kate: I do! And that's because I got stuck in between two trains at TwitchCon in San Diego for thirty minutes. And people decided, instead of just waiting for the train to move, that they would start crawling OVER the train...but, also, UNDER the train. Then the train started moving with two girls underneath it...and it was the worst thing I've ever seen in my entire life!

Serge: Let this be a lesson to you kids: if a moving train is in your path, just wait. It's not worth it.

Ian: {SURPRISED} Wow! Feed Dump, an...oddly cogent source of good advice. Well, there may be better sources of news, but they don't have this pin {POINTS TO LAPEL PIN}, which was given to us by Alex, and they don't have this HAT...{DONS JESTER'S CAP}...which was given to us by "Sexy Reverend" which, I think, makes me look quite the fool. It's got neat little jingly bits. {PLAYS WITH ONE OF THEM} They're actual brass. {PUTS IT IN MOUTH THEN SPITS IT OUT} Tastes terrible.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Kate: {TO IAN AND SERGE} I did spend that much time smelling pine candles. {MEN LAUGH OFF-CAMERA} I want one that smells like a Christmas tree.