Is Paul's Boyfriend Cheating Transcript
Transcript for the video Is Paul's Boyfriend Cheating?
Paul: Hi! I'm Paul.
Graham: And I'm Graham.
P: And welcome to another Girly Magazine Quiz.
G: And today we're going to find out if Paul's boyfriend is cheating on him.
P: I'm curious.
G: So. Question one. (static, dial-up modem sound)
Simon (James): (face distorted by static, vocal pitch reduced) Do not adjust your browser. I am now in control of this video. This feed cannot be traced, and it cannot be stopped. Your government is lying to you! The time has come for a revolution! Too long have the fat cats in Ottawa been gorging themselves on the troughs on the backs of ordinary working people! They may be able to silence one person, but if we all rise up together...(static)...hey, what the hell?
Darren (Bill): (face distorted by blur, vocal pitch increased) This is an uber haxxor transmission. Any attempt to trace or stop it will be useless. It has come to our attention that certain individuals posing as freedom-fighting hackers have been delivering false information to the public. (static)
S: Do not adjust your browser. I am now in control of this video. This feed cannot be traced, and it cannot be stopped. (static) Goddamn it!
D: Not only is this man not a true hacker, but we have reason to believe that he is, in fact, a plant, working for the government he pretends to hate. (static)
S: I am so a true hacker. Look, I have this certificate and everything (holds diploma in his facial distortion effect.) Oh, right, yeah. (moves it to one side) See? (static)
D: He may try to present you with proof of his hacking skills. But as anyone can tell, his certificate is an obvious fake. (static)
S: Yeah, you're just saying that because you don't have a certificate of hacksmanship. (static)
D: He is so unskilled that he doesn't realize that "hacksmanship" isn't even a real word. Furthermore, our research has shown that this hacker is, in fact, a big poopoo head. (static)
S: Hey! What is this? (superimposed speech bubble: "I'm a big poopoo head") What the? Pfft. Now look. I'm trying to tell the people about the...you know, the fat cats! And the troughs on the back of the people, and you come in here a - ("And I'm a crybaby too!") Dammit! Fine. You wanna play it like that? I'll be back. (static, dial tone)
G: Oh. Uh, alright. OK.
P: OK, so...(static)
D: Excellent! Now that that imposter is gone, I can spread the real truth! (reading from printout) The government is lying to you. The time has come for revolution. (hand drawn blonde pigtails appear) Too long have the fat cats in Ottawa been gorging themselves on the troughs on the back of ordinary working people. (polka dot dress) They may be able to silence one person, but if we all rise up together, they can't silence us all. ("future Mrs. Orlando Bloom") Soon, the reign of the - what the...? What the hell? What's goin' on? (static)
S: Take that! Next time, write your own anti-establishment diatribe! Now, where was I? OK. Your government is lying to you. (static)
Ryan (Matt): Oh! Oh. Cool. OK. Uh...just a sec. (radial distortion, reduced pitch) Ah. OK. You've just been hacked by Ryan Reed! Uh...(picks up DVD copy of Hackers) Crash Override! Because I'm a hacker!...Woo!....OK, I'm done. (static, dial-up modem sound)
Jer: Go! Go!
G: (clears throat) Question one.
P: Alright. (Static)
D: OK. This is getting way too crowded. And what's with the Crash Bandicoot guy?
"Crash Override": Uh, it's...it's "Override", actually. Uh, Crash Override? I'm...yeah, I'm sorry to interrupt, I just, you know, I...I wanted to put that out there. Uh...yeah. OK, uh, bye. (static)
D: What the hell? This thing is useless! How can just anyone hack my signal? (static)
S: Your signal? I hacked into this first, and I'm not going to let another single two-bit hacker wannabe take it over. ("Haxx0r'd by Crash Override") Dammit! That's it, I'm gonna go get a signal booster, and when I come back you better watch it! (Static)
D: That won't do any good! I have a signal booster too.
S: Hey, Darren. Can I borrow...
S: What the hell!?
S: You...(slap fight, static)
P: Wait...OK! OK, you got it. You got it.
G: Oh. OK. (giving laptop to Jer) Here you go, take that. OK. (clears throat) OK. Question one. Your government is lying to you.