I've Seen That Anime! Transcript

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Transcript for I've Seen That Anime!

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to the last Feed Dump of 2014! And so, to celebrate that year-end milestone, we're useless NPCs from video games! I'm Barrett's daughter Marlene, 'cause you'll spend the whole game worrying about me and I will give you nothing! Joining me this week is "that guy on the catwalk"...

Alex: {WEARING A GAS MASK} Get out of here, S.T.A.L.K.E.R.!

Kathleen: And...

Ian: {OFFSCREEN} Wait, wait, wait...

Ian: {TOUCHING THE SCREEN OF A SMARTPHONE} Hold on, I need to...finish these calibrations.

{TITLE: HA HA...MASS EFFECT/NEWS (SUBTITLE: NOT EVEN TRYING THIS WEEK)}

Kathleen: A British man who survived a car crash and then a subsequent coma woke up horrified to discover that he was NOT Matthew McConaughey.

Alex: {WEARING A SURGICAL GOWN AND ACTING LIKE SAID BRITISH MAN} Fuck! Fuck. FUCK! Fuck. {IAN'S HAND TOUCHES ALEX'S SHOULDER TO COMFORT HIM, BUT ALEX PUSHES IT AWAY} G-get...get my...! {SIGH} I'll be in my Winnie.

Ian: It's a good thing no one told him he wasn't George Clooney, either.

Alex: {OFFSCREEN} FUCK!!

{WEARING BLACK CAP} If it's any consolation, there's plenty of awful celebrities that he is ALSO not. For example, he is none of the people from "Duck Dynasty".

Ian: Even if he's NOT Matthew McConaughey, he's still guaranteed to get an Oscar before Leo.

{SHOT PULLS BACK TO SHOW ALEX, ARMS WRAPPED AROUND HIMSELF}

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} He was cold as ice!

Kathleen: Now, even though this man did have to suffer through the trauma of realizing he wasn't a millionaire Texan actor, there were some positive side effects to his coma. For example, he woke up speaking fluent French even though he could not speak French before.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Where did the French come from?

Ian: The...leading theory is they crossed a land bridge from Africa.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} {"SLOW-CLAPPING"}

Graham: {IN IAN'S PLACE} Does this guy look anything... ANYTHING like Matthew McConaughey?

Kathleen: Where did YOU come from?!

Ian: MY people actually came across on an ice bridge from Siberia.

Alex: I still don't know how he learned to speak French from coma!

Kathleen: Nobody knows why he suddenly started speaking French. What happened was he had a nurse from Africa who was fluent in French and then she was talking to HIM in French. And so, when his parents came to visit, she was like, "Oh, which side of your family is French?" And they were like, "Excuse me?!" And...de-ne-ne...nobody knows why. Interestingly, he also went through periods of thinking he was 12 and 14 after he stopped thinking he was Matthew McConaughey. Dude's brain was f-ed!

Ian: {EXCITED} Oooh! He got to experience masturbating again for the first time!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} {CONCERNED} That must have been terrifying!

Graham: {IN IAN'S PLACE} For him or the nurse?!

Alex: {TALKING LIKE ZOIDBERG, MAKING CLAWS OUT OF HIS HANDS} Why not both?

{SHOT OF ZOIDBERG POSTER SAYING "WHY NOT BOTH?"}

Kathleen: City officials in Cincinnati, Ohio, have threatened to fine a local man a thousand dollars if he doesn't take down his "zombie Nativity scene".

Ian: {IN ALEX'S PLACE} I think zombies are more appropriate for after Easter.

Graham: Benefit of the doubt, I am assuming that the whole family and the baby Jesus and the Wise Men...all zombies. Were the animals zombies as well?

Kathleen: Actually, it's just one animal skeleton and Jesus is more of a {SHOT OF NATIVITY SCENE SHOWN} "demon baby" than a full-on zombie, but the whole thing IS topped with a delightful flashing pentagram.

{CUT TO BEEJ, COUCH RIGHT (WHERE IAN LAST WAS)}

Beej: {IN IAN'S PLACE} Well, THERE's your problem! That blinking could cause a seizure!

{PAN OUT TO INCLUDE GRAHAM IN SHOT}

Graham: {CONFUSED} Where the hell did YOU come from?

Beej: Someone said there was a land bridge involved?

Kathleen: Where did BOTH of you come from?!

{CUT TO GRAHAM AND BEEJ ON THE SOFA}

Beej: Land bridge.

Graham: {AT ABOUT THE SAME TIME} SKY bridge.

Beej: {LOOKS OVER AT GRAHAM... THEN NODS} Sky bridge.

Kathleen: OK... so, even though Cincinnati is not into this scene... it's been very popular on Facebook. It's gotten over 1100 "Like"s.

Graham: 1100 "Like"s? With THAT kind of awareness, we can finally cure this Nativity scene's horrible cancer.

Beej: I'm a little unclear...are people liking this because there are zombies or because Jesus is in it?

Graham: I think people like it 'cause it looks like an Iron Maiden concert mashed-up with the first half of Pirates of the Caribbean. {PAUSE} The...the RIDE. I should've specified the ride.

Cori: {IN BEEJ'S PLACE} Who likes the Pirates of the Caribbean RIDE?!

Graham: {ANGRY} That is my FAVORITE ride at Disneyland! I will FIGHT you!

Kathleen: {TO CORI} Where did YOU come from?!?

{WHAT FOLLOWS IS A GROUP OF FAST CUTS OF ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE EPISODE ANSWERING KATHLEEN'S QUESTION ON DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE COUCH}

Ian: {COUCH LEFT} Land bridge.

Alex: {COUCH RIGHT} Land bridge.

Graham: {COUCH LEFT} Sky bridge.

Cori: {COUCH RIGHT} Rainbow bridge.

Heather: {COUCH LEFT} DENTAL bridge.

Beej: {COUCH RIGHT} Dental dam.

Cam: {COUCH LEFT, DEPRESSED} Broken condom...

{BRIEF SHOT OF TEST PATTERN}

Ian: {WEARING A LAB COAT AND HOLDING AN X-RAY ENVELOPE} No, it, uh, {PULLS OUT X-RAY} says here you ARE the father.

Cam: You're not even a doctor!

{CUT OF WHOLE COUCH AND BEHIND IT. CORI AND IAN ARE BEHIND IT (IAN HOLDING A VUVUZUELA). ON THE COUCH, LEFT TO RIGHT, IS GRAHAM, ALEX (IN THE HORSE'S HEAD), HEATHER AND BEEJ. THEY ACT LIKE AN AUDIENCE AT A TALK SHOW FOLLOWING THE LAST SCENE.}

Group: AWWWWWW! {IAN BLOWS VUVUZUELA} JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY!

{CUT TO "CHANNEL 2: WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. PLEASE STAND BY" SLATE FOR A FEW SECONDS.}

Kathleen: A Chinese man who had stolen thousands of women's undergarments had his secret exposed when the emergency exit ceiling he'd been keeping it in collapsed, flooding a stairwell with underpants and bras.

Graham: So it's like the mess hall scene in "The Trouble with Tribbles" except it's actually just a torrent of gaunch?

{CUT TO BEEJ, IAN AND ALEX ON THE SOFA. BEEJ LOOKS EXCITED, IAN LOOKS DISGUSTED AND ALEX LOOKS LIKE, "YEP...THAT'S FAMILIAR"}

Beej, Ian and Alex: I've SEEN this anime!

Beej: Oh, man! I wonder what that would SOUND like?

Cam: "Whump".

Heather: {IN BEEJ'S PLACE} Wait, were they dirty or clean?

Cam: Does it even matter?

{IN HEATHER'S PLACE} No, I think it matters.

{IN CAPTAIN'S CHAIR} It matters!

Kathleen: {ON THE SOFA} {ANGRY, JUMPING TOWARDS CAM} GIMME THAT!

{BRIEF SHOT OF TEST PATTERN}

Kathleen: {CLUTCHING ON THE CAPTAIN'S CHAIR, PANTING ANGRILY} CAN WE... GET BACK... TO THE EPISODE?!?

Cam: {SIGHS} Anyways, what do you think he did up there?

{IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COUCH} Maybe he nested in it, like that guy in "The X-Files".

{ON THE RIGHT OF THE COUCH} Or maybe he just swam around in them like Scrooge McDuck. {IMITATES SWIMMING AND BLOWING WATER UPWARDS}

{CUT TO A FRUSTRATED KATHLEEN IN HER CHAIR. SURROUNDING HER, FROM LEFT TO RIGHT, ARE IAN, HEATHER, CALI, ALEX AND BEEJ. GRAHAM STAND BEHIND THEM HOLDING A PHONE}

Kathleen: OK, actually, no! Episode over! But, you know what? There may be better sources of news but they don't have all of {MOTIONS BEHIND HER} THESE people. {GRAHAM WAVES} Stop that. And they don't have {PUTS ON GREY TOP HAT} this hat. So, until 2015 - which is, like, next week - see you later, I guess. {SIGHS}

{VARIOUS HANDS REACH UP TO TRY TO GRAB THE TOP HAT. BEEJ AND ALEX GRAB IT AND SLOWLY PLACE IT ON ALEX'S HEAD}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Ian: Well, the leading theory is that MY people came across on an ice bridge from Antarctica. Wait, no... {GIGGLES}

{EVERYONE LAUGHS OFFSCREEN}

Beej: {OFFSCREEN} That's a long fucking walk!