Holidays, Pants and Problems Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Holidays, Pants and Problems

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we're always moving forward because we are sharks. I'm a hammerhead shark. Joining me this week, a great white shark,

Curtis: The great is implied.

Graham: and a goblin shark.

Ash: I'm made of nightmares!

Graham: FYI, goblin sharks are terrifying.

{CUT TO A PICTURE OF A GOBLIN SHARK WHICH IS INDEED TERRIFYING, WHILE THE "/NEWS' THEME PLAYS (TITLE: NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE)}

Graham: If you worked a job where you were stuck sitting at a computer all day, wouldn't it be nice to get six extra days of paid vacation every year? Well, this is a privilege that the Greeks enjoyed for the past two decades, that the Greece government has just got rid of because, Greece is kind of in the poop.

Ash: So what you're saying to me is that I have to sit at a desk all day every day, and I don't get an extra six days to do that by myself? Well, that's just unreasonable.

Curtis: These people sit on their butts all day every day, and all they want is six days when they can do it on their own terms.

Ash: Fuck all those doctors and teachers that actually do stuff with their day, they can keep working.

Graham: This is just the most recent of many so-called "arcane benefits" that the Greek government has had to remove in these troubled times. Already gone is {READING FROM BLACK IPHONE} "a regulation letting unmarried daughters receive their dead fathers' pension, and a bonus for showing up to work."

Ash: What are you doing, Greece?! I need a man's money to take care of me!

Curtis: Really? You need motivation to actually show up to work? Aside from the paycheck and the benefits, especially for your daughter if you die.

Ash: Yes, I imagine that there were a lot of Greek fathers of unmarried daughters {AIR-QUOTES} "mysteriously" dying.

Curtis: Any complaints with the recent changes can be filed with Zeus on top of a mountain.

Graham: {IN SOUTHERN ACCENT} Dateline: Florida. {IN NORMAL VOICE} A man who robbed a church and was trying to escape on foot was foiled when his baggy pants began to slip off his butt. He was then tackled by a sheriff.

Ash: Was he caught by the fashion police? Ohhhhhh! {OFF SCREEN, Curtis: Ohhhhhh!}

Curtis: Alternative ending, he was caught by a wise-cracking alligator wearing a hat.

{SHOT OF ASH AND CURTIS ON THE SOFA}

Ash: It's not really good prior planning. I mean, if you're gonna rob a bank, pull your pants up.

Curtis: Uh, maybe he needed the money for a belt.

Ash: Ohhh...

Curtis: {QUIETLY} Yeah.

Graham: Upon further inspection of this article, it's not that he was tackled by a sheriff, the sheriff lunged for his already sagging pants and pulled them down further, thereby tripping him. The sheriff then held him in a wrestling hold 'til the other cops showed up.

Ash: Am I the only person picturing the Coppertone baby ad? {PULLS COPPERTONE BABY FACE}

Curtis: {LEANING INTO SHOT} Yes.

Graham: A woman named Janice, from Hawaii, is engaged in a legal disagreement with the State, because they cannot fit her entire legal name onto her State ID card, because her last name {HOLDS UP BLACK IPHONE} is Kay-ee-hah-nah-coo-co-wow-coo-wah-wah-hee-hoo-lee-hee-cow-hoo-nee-ah-lee.

{PLAYS RECORDING ON IPHONE}

Recording: For the past 20 years, Janice 'Lokelani' Keihanaikukauakahihuliheekahaunaele has had to carry two IDs-

Ash: {READING FROM IPHONE} Kay-ha-neh, Kay-ha-nah-neh-coo-coo-eh-kah-heh-hoo-eee-hee. ...What?

Curtis: {READING FROM IPHONE} Kay-ha-nah-coo-ca-nah-coo-na-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe-whe.

Ash: Okay, I get that it's an annoyance that they can't fit it onto an identification card, but at the same time too, with a name like that, how can they really deny that she's not the One? 'Cos who else has that name?

Curtis: Any children she has, and for the rest of their lives!

{SHOT OF ASH AND CURTIS ON THE SOFA}

Ash: Now tell me, Billy, how do you pronounce your last name?

Curtis: {IN CHILD VOICE} Uh... I have to go.

{SHOT OF JUST CURTIS}

Curtis: If anyone, it would be Mr... K.

Graham: They call me Mister K, 'cos my real name is unpronounceable.

Curtis: {OFF SCREEN} Bow-de-be-de-bow-de-wow-de-be-de-bow-be-de-be-bow.

{GRAHAM DANCES TO THE MUSIC. CAMERA STARTS SWAYING BACK AND FORTH}

Graham: Janice got the name from her late husband who's the only person to actually use the name other than her. He was given the name by his grandfather, and the name came to his grandfather in a dream.

Ash: I have a dream that no future generation in my family will EVER TRAVEL!

Graham: {HOLDING BLACK IPHONE} The name apparently means many things. One of them is "when there is chaos and confusion, you are the one that will stand up and get people to focus on one direction and come out of the chaos."

And that, boys and girls, is why you don't eat an entire ham before bed.

Ash: I think that most of the chaos and confusion could have been avoided!

Graham: In an online poll to raise awareness for endangered species that are ugly, the blobfish has been voted the world's ugliest animal.

{CUT TO A PICTURE OF A RATHER HIDEOUS LOOKING CREATURE THAT LOOKS MORE LIKE A LUMP OF LARD WITH A FACE THAN AN ACTUAL FISH}

With a name like blobfish, you'd know that's a sign of quality.

Curtis: {HOLDING IPHONE} Ughh, at least it won at something!

Ash: Let's be perfectly honest, no one really gives a crap unless the animal's cute and cuddly.

Graham: That's true. Giant panda dies, sadness everywhere. The blobfish dies, everyone sort of goes, "Oh. Oh, what a shame." Speaking of shames, until next time, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have this hat. {PUTS ON LEOPARD PRINTED TRILBY} Which I don't think I will be adding to my day to day wardrobe. It just- the color just clashes with... my eyes? {SHRUGS}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Curtis: {AS WRESTLING ANNOUNCER} And the sheriff's got the robber down on the ground there, goes for the pin. One! Two! Three! OH MY GOD, HE'S DONE IT! The boyhood dream has come true! And your winner is... The Sheriff! {SINGING} I fought the law, and the, the law won! I fought the law, and the-