Hewlett Packard's Penis App Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump - Hewlett Packard's Penis App
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: {FANNING HIMSELF WITH PAPER} Hi,welcome to Feed Dump, where this week, there's three of us here and all of us are dazed with unacceptable temperatures. I'm today. Uh, joining me is yesterday,
Cam: You thought I was over, but my trauma persists.
Graham: {FANNING HIMSELF WITH PAPER, LOOKING AT IPHONE} And, oh great, tomorrow.
Ash: {SHAKING FIST} I will avenge my fallen brethren!
{TITLE: ALL FEAR THE DAYSTAR (SUBTITLE: WHY DOES IT BURN US SO?)}
Graham: You know when you have like a fear or an aversion to something, you can expose yourself to it for an extended period of time to sort of maybe be like come to terms with your feelings about it? Um, a Pennsylvanian couple is on probation after trying to cure their son from being afraid of the dark by locking him in the trunk of their car.
Ash: If we're gonna go that far, why not just dump a big bucket of spiders over him? Two birds, one stone!
Cam: Why the trunk of the car? There are many other places where it's dark. A barrel that's been dumped into the ocean, or you know, the inside of a cannon that's about to be fired.
Ash: What we really need to take away from this is that you can get away with just about anything as long as you're saying that you're trying to help the person.
Cam: More to the point, the person you're trying to help has be a child who trusts you.
Graham: That's a good point, Cam. How do you get your child into the trunk of a car? Why, you give them a flashlight and tell them to look for candy.
Cam: Well, that's just getting children into your car 101.
Ash: Oh great, now every single holiday that has to do with candy is gonna be seriously fucked up for this kid!
{SHOT OF CAM AND ASH ON THE SOFA}
Cam: It's Easter Morning, it's time to go out and hunt for candy!
Ash: {PULLS OUT GUN AND POINTS IT AT CAM} Never again! I'm not going back! {GETS OFF SOFA AND BACKS OFFSCREEN} I'M NOT GOING BACK!
Graham: Good job, parents. I'm sure this traumatic childhood experience will in no way affect how he feels about dark cramped spaces in the future.
Cam: That reminds me, I need to go check my car.
Graham: Like you didn't already feel shitty enough projecting all your human emotions onto your pets, a new study has revealed dogs can feel jealousy!
Ash: In all seriousness, anybody who already owns a small dog... already fucking knows that!
Cam: What's the methodology, out of curiosity?
Graham: {HOLDING BLACK IPHONE} I'm glad you asked. {READS} The owners of thirty-six small dogs were asked to do three things in the test: shower affection on a plush animatronic dog, shower affection on a plastic jack-o'-lantern and read a children's book aloud, while ignoring their pet.
Ash: I kinda feel like we're going into a dark place where people just sign up to do cruel things to other things in the interest of psychological experiments.
Cam: I'm really looking forward to the study of dogs, half in prison uniforms, the other half in guard uniforms, separated and given agency to do things to each other.
Ash: Or maybe they could just lock the dogs in the trunk of a car.
Cam: Tiny little pug-sized shivs. German Shepherds with tazers. Come on, tell me there isn't money in this!
Graham: A great pity to you if Feed Dump is the source of your news, but! A Feed Dump follow-up: Hewlett Packard has settled out of court with Chubby Checker, best known for his 1960 hit song The Twist, over the use of his name in their {AIR-QUOTES} "Chubby Checker" penis measuring app.
Cam: {HOLDING IPHONE OVER HIS CROTCH} ...Ash, I can't get a good angle. Do you wanna...?
Ash: {OFFSCREEN} No.
Cam: {LOOKS BACK TO HIS CROTCH}
Graham: What I can't get around is that the app purported to be able to estimate the size of a guy's penis based on his shoe size, which is a rule of thumb at best, and you can do without an app.
Cam: I feel it's important to point out that this... {AIR-QUOTES} "measuring device" is entirely an urban legend, entirely fictive and has nothing to do with reality whatsoever. {WINKS}
Ash: Or, a ruler!
Graham: So if it was for measuring your own dick, obviously that would be the way to do it. But, the-the idea is {READS FROM IPHONE} "it is an app which purported to let women measure the size of a man's genitals based on their shoe size", so it's like, uh, do you take a picture of it? Or do you- if you just see a guy, you're not gonna be like, "Excuse me, what size shoes do you wear?" {SURREPTITIOUSLY TYPES ON IPHONE} Ohhhh! How- how are you possibly using this app in this remotely effective way?
Ash: {HOLDING BLUE IPHONE} I don't know, Graham, what size shoe do you wear?
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} Fourteen.
Ash: {TYPES ON IPHONE} Mmmmmmm!
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} Right?
Ash: Yeah!
Graham: Oh, I guess that's how.
Cam: Hewlett Packard has a dick measuring app, the people who can't even communicate to you when your printer is out of paper or toner. How do they let you know how big a guy's unit is? Does it say "PC load letter"?
Graham: {HOLDING BLACK IPHONE} Just open up my Hewlett Packard penis utility here and... Two inches? That can't be- Let me just clean the heads. ...Ah, that's better.
I am just glad that according to Mr Checker's lawyer, this whole problem about penises was resolved, quote, "to the mutual satisfaction of both parties."
Ash: Well, at least Checker's Chubby got there.
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} Bu da bum bu dum bum.
Ash: {THROWS HANDS OUT} Wah!
Graham: The Oakridge National Laboratory and Educational Practical Facility for the U.S. Department of Energy has canceled one of their employee enrichment courses after it was decided that some people might have a problem with the concept of a class to help you reduce your Southern accent.
Cam: {IN SOUTHERN ACCENT} Okay, now to get the protons in the cyclotron up over forty-five gigatron of electrovolts, we're gonna need to overpower the entire facility-
Ash: {OFFSCREEN} No, no, no, alright, alright.
{PAN TO ASH}
Ash: I said, extra sausage on my breakfast sandwich.
{PAN BACK TO CAM}
Cam: {IN SOUTHERN ACCENT} I'm a researcher in these here facilities!
{PAN BACK TO ASH}
Ash: Yeah, sure you are.
Graham: The purpose of this class was so that their employees would be remembered, quote, "for what they are saying, not how they are saying it."
Cam: This right here is a case of accent privilege, something we as Canadians with our famously neutral accent are very familiar with.
Graham: I blame Hollywood. You never see a Roland Emmerich disaster movie with the chief scientist bursting into the Oval Office and going, {IN SOUTHERN ACCENT} "Now, Mister President, what ya got here is a massive polar vortex. Pretty soon now, you're gonna be havin' gales o' liquid helium rippin' outta the ionosphere!"
Ash: Contrary to that, if you want to sound extra smart, you could take another class and just get a fake British accent.
Cam: Forget a British accent, where do I get signed up to get a German accent so I can be smart and terrifying?
Graham: This is the U.S. Department of Energy! I don't want that! I don't want to distrust someone if they're telling me, {IN FAKE GERMAN ACCENT} "I zink ve should invest in solar."
{SHOT OF ASH AND CAM ON THE SOFA. BOTH ARE LOOKING NERVOUS}
Cam: {SIMULTANEOUSLY WITH ASH} Yeah, yeah, sure, solar. Solar sounds good, solar sounds good. It's-it's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
Ash: {SIMULTANEOUSLY WITH CAM} Yeah. Solar. Hundred percent. Take-take our money. Oh my God, don't hurt us.
Graham: {IN SOME OTHER ACCENT, I DON'T KNOW} And so, until next time, remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON NORWEGIAN ARMY HELMET} this hat, which I know Kathleen used recently, but the guy who sent it to us made sure to find one that was actually my size, and gosh darn it, I'm gonna wear it! 'Cos I don't get to do that often on account that I have a fat head, according to this head-girth app I just checked. {LOOKS AT IPHONE} Made by Epson, that's weird.
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
{SHOT OF ASH AND CAM ON THE SOFA}
Cam: {LAUGHING} And so, in order to help him out, I put him in the trunk of the car.
Ash: But doesn't it get kinda hot in there?
Cam: Oh, I left the AC on, I'm not a monster.
