Free Porn, Expensive Fries Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Free Porn, Expensive Fries

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Kathleen: {WEARING DARK PURPLE TUQUE} Welcome to Feed Dump where today is the 17th of December and that means there's only a week of shopping days left and therefore we are the poop that is coming out of you when you realize you have less than seven days to buy presents. I'm of course classic brown. Joining me this week is that lovely distinctive yellowy brown which means you haven't eaten a vegetable since Thanksgiving,

Serge: AHHH! WHY?! I HATE YOU!

Kathleen: {WEARING DARK PURPLE TUQUE} And puce.

Cam: For just that hint of blood.

{TITLE: POOPIN' BLOOD? THAT'S BAD NEWS/NEWS (SUBTITLE: WELL, I SCREWED THIS ONE UP)}

Kathleen: {WEARING DARK PURPLE TUQUE} South Dakota wanted its drivers to be safe, so it started a campaign about not jerking the wheel around when you're on an icy road and you hit a patch of ice and then you try to over-correct and then you go into a ditch, except they called it Don't Jerk and Drive, which {LAUGHING AS SHE SHRUGS} amazingly some people took the wrong way.

Cam: {POINTS AT CAMERA} You can't tell me what to do, Uncle Sam! This is some nanny state, black helicopter level stuff right here! If I want to {POINTS THUMB OVER SHOULDER} hang my left hand out the driver side window in the middle of December and get estranger because my hand is numb, {POINTS AT HIMSELF WITH OTHER THUMB} that's my business! Wait, the wheel. {GRABS IMAGINARY WHEEL WITH BOTH HANDS}

Kathleen: {WEARING DARK PURPLE TUQUE} I feel a little bad for the person who must have spent, I guess, milliseconds looking at this campaign before proving it, but what were they thinking? {LOOKS AT WHITE iPHONE} Some of the promotional materials were {PICTURE OF DON'T JERK AND DRIVE POSTER} "Think before you jerk", #DontJerkAndDrive and {PICTURE OF SECOND DON'T JERK AND DRIVE POSTER} "Jerking isn't a joke".

Cam: It's worth noting that this isn't actually bad advice... Not from any personal experience. {LOOKS AROUND SHIFTILY, COUGHS, THEN SHAKES HIS RIGHT HAND AS IF DRYING OUT}

{SHOT OF CAM AND SERGE ON THE COUCH}

Serge: Alright, low level municipal politicians, do we have a business offer for you. Send us your PR campaigns and we'll tell you if it's sexual.

Cam: Yeah, we'll get right up in there - elbows, shoulders, entire head. We'll give your PR campaign one of these. {PUTS ONE HAND IN A FIST OVER HIS OTHER LOWER ARM WHILE HOLDING OTHER HAND UP, PALM FACING INWARDS} We'll even let it get up inside us. Hell, for an extra twenty bucks, {SERGE BREAKS AT THIS MOMENT} who knows what's gonna happen? It'll wind up on the internet!

{JUMP CUT}

Cam: Maybe even the entire head. We'll leave nothing unturned, nothing unpenetrated. {SERGE LOOKS DISTURBED}

{JUMP CUT AGAIN}

Cam: Just rummage right around inside it.

{CHANNEL TWO 'TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES' CARD}

Kathleen: {WEARING DARK PURPLE TUQUE} School plays are a long standing and fantastic tradition and who doesn't love getting a DVD of Jimmy's debut role as an asparagus that you can then put on a shelf and let gather dust? Well, some parents in Scotland got a little more than they paid for because instead of receiving DVDs of their school's play, they got porn.

Cam: Wait wait wait, you can still get hard-copy pornography? Wow, some people are going really deep on this whole planning for the zombie apocalypse thing!

Serge: I'm actually just really excited for like the PTA mum who invited all of her friends over and like "We're gonna watch Jimmy!" And then it hits play and she's like... "Oh, I'm ruined!"

Cam: Unlike the school plays, these DVDs will at least get watched.

Serge: I'm imagining all the parents were like, {LOOKS AROUND SHIFTILY} "...No. I didn't get that mailed. Just send Jimmy's DVD after."

Cam: Although considering that this is Scotland, maybe somebody needed to liquidate a bunch of face-sitting and squirting porn.

Kathleen: {WEARING DARK PURPLE TUQUE} So apparently the mix-up between the porn and the school play was discovered about forty-eight hours after the discs were sent out which, if you ask me, is a suspiciously long time and about a hundred discs have been called because of this, some of which have even been returned.

Cam: And I think we're doing the real victims of this calamity a disservice by failing to acknowledge the fact that there are people out there who ordered pornography and got a school play.

Serge: Well, who do you think discovered the mix-up? Like, nobody watches a school play.

Kathleen: {WEARING DARK PURPLE TUQUE} Goddamn it! I was all settled in for a nice evening with a tub of popcorn the size of my head and a tub of lube the size of that tub of popcorn and now what am I gonna do?! You can't fap to the story of a mushroom! {SIGHS} Although that little Jimmy is a good actor.

{CHANNEL TWO 'TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES' CARD Voice-over: Well we're having one or two little problems at the moment. It won't be too long before we're with tonight's episode of Tour of Duty.}

Kathleen: {WEARING DARK PURPLE TUQUE} You guys remember french fry parties, right? Japanese or South Korean kids would like order ten things of fries and put them into a pile and eat 'em. Well, that practice may soon be coming to an end. Not 'cos the teenagers' tastes have changed, but because there is a french fry shortage in Asia! McDonald's Japan has had to ration french fries. Until further notice, you could only order a small fries.

Cam: So you're telling me that someone who is able to, say... travel to Japan with a container ship full of potatoes could command their price from Japanese children?

Serge: I'm really excited for like an underground black market of french fry exchange, like "Blood for Fries".

Cam: Blood for Fries is okay, it's kind of like entry tier. I was kind of hoping more for Protoculture for Fries {SUBTITLE: That's a Robotech reference FYI} or perhaps Mecha for Fries. I've seen your media, Japan! Don't try to hide it from me!

Serge: {COUNTING ON FINGERS} First you get the money. Then you get the power. Then you get the fries.

{QUICK PAN TO CAM AS HE SNATCHES THE MICROPHONE AND PULLS IT TO HIS SIDE}

Cam: Then you get the mecha! I know they're there, don't try to hide them from me!

Serge: We could have fry speakeasies, where they'd have passwords at the door and you have to sell anything- membership- I think this is for the ultra-elite and the wealthy.

We'll call it "The Grease-Easy".

Kathleen: {WEARING DARK PURPLE TUQUE} Interestingly enough, the reason for this is not a potato shortage, it's actually a port dispute in LA which is holding everything up. And uh, McDonald's Japan has resorted to importing more than a thousand tonnes a week by air. They are air-freighting fries into Japan!

Cam: This is like the Berlin Air Lift, only for heart disease.

{EATING SOME LARGE McDONALD'S FRIES, TALKS WITH MOUTH FULL} Oh, if only Stalin could see us now! How's this for Red Plangency? Ha!

Serge: {HOLDING BOX OF McDONALD'S FRIES} I don't see what the big deal is. {TAKES ONE FRY OUT AND EATS IT, SAVORING THE TASTE, THEN HE LOOKS AT THE BOXES AND POURS THE ENTIRE CONTENTS INTO HIS MOUTH, MOANING WITH PLEASURE}

Kathleen: {WEARING DARK PURPLE TUQUE} {EATS FROM HER BOX OF LARGE McDONALD'S FRIES} Urgh, God, I forgot how bad they are. It tastes like a salt lick went down to an oil well. ...MMMMMMMMMMM! Delicious spite! {EATS ANOTHER FRY} I can feel my arteries clogging.

Cam: {HOLDS UP BOX OF McDONALD'S FRIES} Check it out, Japan! You like this? Mmmm. {TAKES OUT ONE FRY} Maybe I'll just have one- {DELIBERATELY DROPS IT} Oh, it fell on the ground, look at that, what a shame! Mmm, maybe another one, yes, yes. {TAKES ANOTHER FRY OUT AND NIBBLES IT} Hmm, I'm bored of it. {FLICKS FRY AWAY THEN TAKES ANOTHER ONE OUT} Serge, you want some?

{PAN TO SERGE AS HE HOLDS HIS MOUTH OPEN}

Serge: {WITH MOUTH OPEN} Ah, ah, ah!

Cam: {OFFSCREEN} Ah, ah, ah. {THROWS FRY WHICH LANDS ON SERGE'S CHEST} Oh no, no, I'm sorry, we'll try again. {CAMERA PANS TO WIDE SHOT AS CAM THROWS ANOTHER FRY WHICH JUST MISSES SERGE'S MOUTH} Oh no. These are all going to waste! We're being so careless with them. {HAPHAZARDLY THROWS ANOTHER FRY OUT WHICH DOESN'T EVEN HIT SERGE}

Kathleen: {WEARING DARK PURPLE TUQUE} Well, that sure was stimulating, but unfortunately we have to call this Feed Dump to a close. But remember: there may be better sources of news, but they don't go out, stop filming, buy french fries and then take them back so they can eat them on camera to spite some Japanese people, and more importantly they don't have this hat {PUTS ON SACKCLOTH BEARD AND MUSTACHE TUQUE} which I am putting on over my existing hat, so it's a double hat. Take that, other sources of news! This is very itchy, but I think I look pretty good with a mustache. {RUBS MUSTACHE}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Cam: Maybe now is finally the time for my long undersea-matic trunk-line of potato tubes.