Drugged Food in the 90s Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Drugged Food in the 90s

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, a name that is strangely weighted to the first six letters of the alphabet. I'm a bio-mechanical construct, Graham, joining me this week is Kathleen, a nano-machine colony,

Kathleen: There's thousands of tinier bits inside me! {WIGGLES FINGERS}

Graham: And Alex, a magnetically contained photo array.

Alex: And my teacher said I wasn't very bright!

Kathleen: I'd like to think all of those nano-machines have butts, so I'm made of thousands of millions of butts!

Alex: This of course means that Kathleen can moon you from any direction.

Kathleen: {TENTS FINGERS MENACINGLY}

Graham: Let's get punched with information, it's time for a bruise!

{TITLE: IT'S TIME FOR A BRUISE}

Graham: A delivery truck driver in Cape Town, South Africa, was stopped at a road block when it was discovered that he was using his eleven year old son to push the clutch, because he was missing a leg.

Kathleen: I don't see what's so wrong with that! He was just giving his dad a hand.

Alex: Or a leg!

{WEARING AN ORANGE TRUCK DRIVER HAT AND AN EYE PATCH, WITH ONE ARM INSIDE HIS SHIRT} Get down there, boy, work the pedals! Papa ain't got no toes!

Graham: Three interesting things about his driver's license. {HOLDS UP ONE FINGER} It was expired, {SECOND FINGER} it was an expired learner's license, it was an expired learner's license for {THIRD FINGER} automatic vehicles.

Kathleen: The only way that could be worse is if wasn't even his license to begin with, he just had somebody else's expired automatic learner's license.

Alex: Or if it was like, a boat license.

Kathleen: You know, I drive a standard, and I don't think I could do it giving commands to another person, let alone a child, every time I need to shift! It's hard enough to teach an adult how to drive a standard!

Graham: Athletes visiting the world aquatic championships in Shanghai, China, have been warned to only visit certain restaurants if they want to avoid foods tainted with banned drugs.

Kathleen: But Szechuan is best when it's laced with HGH! Hmph! {POUTS}

Alex: The other restaurants, of course, are only tainted with legal drugs.

Kathleen: {MIMES EATING} Is this... Robutussen soup? {EATS MORE}

Alex: {WEARING TRUCKER HAT, BACKWARDS} {IN HIP-HOP ACCENT} Can I po' you up somemo' 'tussin' soup?

Graham: {WEARING FANCY SHIRT AND RED BOWTIE} {IN ENGLISH WAITER ACCENT} Very good sir, and the sweet and sour Advil liquigels for the lady?

May I also recommend the crispy fried rub A535?

Fuck, I dunno, preparation H fried rice? Uh... Ma Paul's Sudafed? What else? Uh... ginger... aspirin? I don't know!

{BACK IN NORMAL CLOTHES} OK this whole thing is because recent studies showed that 22 of 28 travellers returning from China tested positive for low levels of Klembuterol, a performance enhancing drug, because Chinese farmers feed it to pigs and cows to make lean meat. 22 out of 28! That's horrifying!

Alex: So basically... what they're saying... is stay away from the juice bars.

Kathleen: {WEARING PIG EARS AND PIG NOSE} {MIMICKING PORKY PIG'S STUTTER} I've ah- I've ah- I've ah got, uh, roid rage, folks!

Graham: Russia knows how to make elections interesting. A new online campaign called "I'd tear my clothes off for Putin" has been launched, encouraging girls to strip in support of... Vladimir Putin? I dunno, it's weird!

Kathleen: It's time for...!

{TITLE: KATHLEEN'S POLITICAL FACT OF THE WEEK! Alex voice-over: It's political, it's factual, it's factual and it's from Kathleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen}

Kathleen: DID YOU KNOW?! There is a limit to how long you can be the president in Russia CONSECUTIVELY, so Vladimir Putin was the president from 2000 to 2008, and then because he couldn't be the president anymore, he handed over things to his right hand comrade, Dmitri Mehdvedyev, who was president from 2008 to 2012, when Putin will be running again for another two terms, ideally. According to him at least.

Graham: A pair of sisters from New Jersey are suing a sementary- cemetery.

They're suing a sementary... cemetery.

Some sisters in New Jersey are suing the cemetery where their mother is buried because after two decades of visiting, praying to, laying flowers on the grave they where they... fuck.

Because of two decades of visiting, laying flowers on, and praying to the grave where they thought she was buried, turns out it's just some dude.

Kathleen: Some sisters sued a cemetery by the sea shore! {THUMBS UP, MUGS}

Graham: {OFF CAMERA} Oh lah-dee-dah.

Alex: Did both of them just not have their eyes checked for twenty years?

Kathleen: {BREATHES ON GLASSES, PUT THEM ON} Oh shit! Mom's name isn't Fred! Fuck!

Alex: {WEARING BLONDE WIG} {PUTS GLASSES ON} {TAKES GLASSES OFF} {PUTS GLASSES ON} Double fuck!

Kathleen: You look like Darth in that wig!

Alex: {WEARING BLONDE WIG AND THICK-RIM GLASSES} Aw right!

{SHOT OF KATHLEEN AND ALEX ON THE COUCH, ALEX WEARING BLONDE WIG AND THICK RIM GLASSES, KATHLEEN IN BLACK CAP AND BIG BLACK T-SHIRT, BOTH DOING AIR GUITAR}

Kathleen and Alex: It's Wayne's World! Wayne's World! Party time! Excellent!

Kathleen: Wooooooo!

Graham: Da fuck are you doing?! Ring ring, {PICKS UP TELEPHONE RECEIVER} what's that? Oh, it's the 90s, they want aaaall of that back!

Kathleen and Alex: {STILL IN COSTUME} Schwing!

Graham: Yes... schwing. For the story about two sisters who found a complete stranger buried in their mother's grave. {PICKS UP TELEPHONE RECEIVER} Oh it's the taste police, and they're really disappointed.

Alex: Hey, hey, there's always time for a good schwing.

Graham: Well they are going to have to dig up where they think the mother was buried to make sure it was her, so, yeah, I can see your point.

Before I get to the next story, I would like to announce that the story comes from the town of Radnor, Pennsylvania, and I just wanted to let that sink in for a second.

Alex: {WET CRACKLING NOISE IN BACKGROUND, LOOKS AT ARMS} Aaugh, it is sinking in! It's sinking into my skin!!! AUGH! AAAAUGH!

Graham: {IN NOBLEMAN'S VOICE} Two peons of Lord Radnor {NORMAL VOICE} wished to stage a faked-them-getting-arrested picture, uh... climbed into the back of a police van and locked themselves inside.

Kathleen: At... at this point, do they just play the Price is Right disappointment music? Dum dum da daaaaaa, wooooowwww....

Alex: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER CAP AND SUNGLASSES} You fellas don't belong in the drunk tank. Maybe I oughta start a moron tank. For YOU.

Kathleen: If they did start a moron tank, it'd just be filled with stupid hormonal teenagers like these two.

Graham: Actually these guys were 21 and 22, so you'd just be getting random teenagers.

Kathleen: Really? Bah dump dump da daaaaa, bwooowww.....

Alex: A plan with no drawbacks!

Graham: That's it for now, but until next time, remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have... {PUTS ON SOLDIER HELMET} this hat, which will protect me when the 90s come back on their bombing run.

Alex: {LOOKING THROUGH BINOCULARS} Are they dropping MC Hammer cassettes?

Graham: {WEARING SOLDIER HELMET} MC Hammer cassettes?! Those bastards! Wait, I know what to do. {PICKS UP TELEPHONE RECEIVER} Get me MC Hammer! {PAUSE} OK, please hammer, don't hurt him. {LOOKS AT CAMERA} Eh, eh? 90s jokes? ... Eh?... P- that was the name of the album... that "Can't Touch This" wa- it was called "Please Hammer, don't hurt him..." Also had a song called "On-

Alex: {FROM BEHIND} {TWISTS GRAHAM'S HEAD, BREAKING HIS NECK WITH A CRACK}

Graham: {FALLS OVER}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Kathleen: I'm like the Carl Sagan of butts! Billions and billions!