Drug Lobsters Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Drug Lobsters

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we are recording before the results of the election, but through the magic of post-production, can wish a congratulations to {COVERS HIS MOUTH WITH HIS HAND} president Chuck Norris! {UNCOVERS HIS MOUTH} So good for him. I'm a third party candidate, joining me this week is a fourth-party candidate,

Paul: Vote for me! It's throwing the vote away that you were gonna throw away!

Graham: ...and a zeroth party candidate.

Cam: As a zero party candidate, I collect all the thrown away votes from the other candidates, and then elect myself.

Graham: And we're all waving our reds, whites, and blues.

Even though we're from Canada.

{TITLE: WAVING OUR REDS, WHITES & BLUES/NEWS (SUBTITLE: OR, JUST REDS AND WHITES, FOR US)}

Graham: The CEO of a hospital in Windsor, Ontario speculates that a spike in birth rate can be tied to the release of Fifty Shades of Gray.

Paul: I'm concerned that Fifty Shades of Gray may have resulted in a spike of other kinds of visits to the hospital.

Cam: I'm actually totally OK with that.

I'll never forgive that piece of shit book for spiking the sales of "Spem In Alium." It's like this fiftee- no sixteenth century choral piece. It's really pretty but it's definitely not music you get your bone on to.

Paul: Aw man, this is a great opportunity to release a line of hilarious toddler shirts.

Cam: "The harness broke."

Paul: "It was the only way to get the key?"

Cam: "Daddy's safe word was don't pull out."

Paul: "My diaper has fifty shades of brown?"

Man, those shirts are so evil, 'cause the kids can't defend themselves! And then they're gonna be forever in photographs wearing your terrible shirt.

Cam: Can you imagine seeing those pictures of yourself on facebook in twenty-ish years and realizing that your mom and dad tied each other to a bedpost?

Graham: The mistakes happen when they tie each other to a bedpost at opposite corners of the bed. And then just go "oh. Well, I guess we just starve now."

Time for a little bit of local pride in today's instalment of Lol, Canada.

{TITLE: LOL, CANADA! (OUR HOME AND NATIVE LA- OH)}

Graham: An outdoor public toilet in our hometown of Victoria, British Columbia, has been voted the nicest public toilet in which to go in all of Canada.

Cam: Ooh! Which one was it? Was it the alleyway I saw that one guy pee in that one time? Was it the hood of my landlord's car which I have no idea how that happened?

Paul: Hey! I know that place! I've never been in that toilet! I feel really deprived now.

Maybe it's nicer than my home toilet.

Graham: The bathroom, which the city bought for ninety thousand dollars from Portland, Oregon, came in ahead of second and third place winners, a couple of restrooms in Toronto, and the fourth place winner: a bathroom in the lobby of the Georgian Court hotel in Vancouver.

Paul: Oh man, all of our viewers from Portland are gonna be like, "WHAT?! They took our good toilet!!!"

Cam: You know being on the selection committee for this thing has to suck. There's four top toilets and four thousand zero star toilets.

{SHOT OF CAM AND PAUL ON THE COUCH. BOTH ARE COVERING THEIR MOUTH AND NOSE WITH THEIR HANDS. CAM IS WEARING THE GOLD HARD HAT AND PAUL IS WEARING THE YELLOW HARD HAT}

Paul: {WITH HIS HAND COVERING HIS NOSE AND MOUTH, WEARING THE YELLOW HARD HAT} Well, this is actually better than the last one. The feces are only half an inch here. So that's, that's not too bad. Maybe we give them half a mark for that.

Cam: {WITH HIS HAND COVERING HIS NOSE AND MOUTH, WEARING THE GOLD HARD HAT} Yeah, uh... let's see, there's... six, seven bits of racist graffiti?

Paul: {WITH HIS HAND COVERING HIS NOSE AND MOUTH, WEARING THE YELLOW HARD HAT} Yeah, yeah, so-

Cam: {WITH HIS HAND COVERING HIS NOSE AND MOUTH, WEARING THE GOLD HARD HAT} That takes up to four and a half points.

Paul: {WITH HIS HAND COVERING HIS NOSE AND MOUTH, WEARING THE YELLOW HARD HAT} Alright, alright!

Cam: {WITH HIS HAND COVERING HIS NOSE AND MOUTH, WEARING THE GOLD HARD HAT} Alright, yeah. Go Flames.

Graham: For those curious, the article does not mention the bottom most toilet.

Paul: I'm kinda disappointed that they don't tell us what the worst toilet is, because the best toilet, you know about what it's gonna look like. It'll probably be like, a nice toilet, like in your house or something. But the worst toilet! Like, that could be really really bad! It could be like, you know, trainspotting bad, and I think there could be some tourism value in that.

Cam: {STUNNED} My god. {TAKES OFF GLASSES} It's glorious. {LOOKS TOWARD PAUL} GET MY SKETCHBOOK!

Graham: A man from Pennsylvania could face up to twenty-five years in prison for stealing lobsters that he planned to sell to support his drug habit.

Paul: I know you said support his drug habit, but for some reason I'm imagining somebody trying to smuggle drugs in lobster shells, in like a big boat. Just be like, "what? No, no, these are lobsters! Yes! Delicious lobsters!"

I mean, stealing them was really the problem. I'm sure there are a lot of people who are selling lobsters to serve their drug habit. In Maine, probably?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to insult Maine, but you have a lot of lobsters there, so. Statistically you probably have people who are also on drugs who sell lobsters.

IT'S ACTUALLY A COMPLIMENT! I'm COMPLIMENTING you on your large amount of lobsters!

Cam: DIG UP, PAUL! DIG UP!

Paul: So how was he stealing the lobsters?

Cam: I guess he was just pulling the traps up?

Graham: Uh, no, no, he wasn't claim jumping lobster traps. He was stealing them from supermarkets.

Cam: That's so awesome!!!

Paul: That's actually way better. Maybe he was somebody who was trying to free the lobsters, like he was an animal rights activist trying to free the poor lobsters, and then like halfway there, he was like, "wait a minute, these lobsters are worth a lot of money! I could have drugs instead!"

Graham: Maybe he thought lobster was like, the street name for some new kind of drug that like, the lobsters were the drug, and he's like, {IN SHIFTY BOSTONIAN ACCENT, HOLDING COAT LIKE IT'S A TRENCH} Hey! Hey buddy! {OPENS COAT, PULLS OUT A PLASTIC LOBSTER} Lobster? Eh?

Paul: {WEARING THE HOOD ON HIS HOODY PULLED UP, HOLDING A PLASTIC LOBSTER} Oh, eh... {POINTS AT LOBSTER} th-this is lobster? Oh. I, uh... hm. I think I overpaid for this.

Graham: {HOLDING PLASTIC LOBSTER} I figure it's an inhalant? Have to huff the lobster?

Cam: No, dumbass, you don't huff lobster. You freebase it.

Graham: A Cleveland woman is being accused of burglary after breaking into a house, cleaning it, and then leaving a bill.

Paul: Is that burglary, though? Like, did she take anything? She took the dirt? Is that, is that what they say? That she burgled dirt from their house?

It's a shame that more criminals don't leave bills for their services after they've committed the crime, 'cause it makes finding them afterwards way more easy.

Graham: The woman said that she was driving by the house and {READING} wanted something to do. She broke in, washed some coffee cups, took out the trash, vacuumed and dusted, then left a bill written on a napkin with her phone number. She said she owns a cleaning business and sometimes enters home, cleans them, and leaves a bill.

Cam: If she's done this before, does it mean people have been OK with it in the past, and were just kind of like, {SHRUGS} paid up?

Paul: Maybe that's how she gets new customers? Or maybe... she's running some sort of sophisticated protection racket. Like, "oh, your house is clean now, but who knows what'll happen tomorrow! I might come back and put all the dust back! You'd better keep paying me."

Cam: Yeah, today I cleaned your coffee cups, but if you don't pay up, I'll come back tomorrow and bathe your children.

Graham: She was charged with and plead guilty to attempted burglary and will be sentenced. But that sounds weird to me, 'cause attempted burglary makes it sound like that was her plan. But, she could have burgled. Shewouldju- she, breaking and entering, fine. Attempted burglary means that she just somehow failed to steal anything while she was in there. I guess she took the trash out, so maybe she... burgled the trash?

Paul: Maybe we need a new charge that's like, getting the opportunity to burgle.

Cam: That was also basically the plot line to Minority Report.

Paul: You're being charged with having the opportunity to kill this guy.

Cam: It does seem pretty open to interpretation.

Paul: Yeah, Minority Report is very tricky when you don't have the people who can tell the future part.

Cam: So you're saying the only problem with Minority Report's version of justice was that it was slightly implausible?

Graham: That, and the scene where he gets his eyeballs replaced. {SHUDDERS} Until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON REBEL FORCES EARFLAP HAT} this hat. {SHOWS IT OFF} Eh? Eh? Eh! But you could have this hat! Watch Desert Bus this year to find out. Desertbus.org. {IN WEIRD VOICE} They came. From. Behind!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Paul: You're holding a knife! Therefore you could kill somebody at some point! {MIMES PULLING THEM} GYAAAH! Come over here!