Dishwashers, Zombies and Bears Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Dishwashers, Zombies and Bears

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump. This week we are all "pizzas". I'm a "Margarita with anchovies", which is my favorite type of pizza. Joining me this week is a "Fungi"...

Ian: Nobody likes mushrooms so I get to eat the whole thing. I'm a "fun guy!"

Kathleen: Shut up, Ian. And a "Treatzza Pizza".

Ben: 'Cause we got cool treats and hot eats!

{TITLE: LONG MAY THE DAIRY EMPRESS REIGN}

Kathleen: Police arrested a Polish man after he tried to evade capture by hiding inside a dishwasher.

Ian: This is why we need to start exporting our PSAs more. If he'd hiding in the FRIDGE, he'd be MUCH safer.

Ben: Maybe this is like the MODERN version of the "Wet Bandits" from "Home Alone" where, instead of flooding the entire house, he washes their dishes at the end and then he just hops in 'cause that's his thing.

Ian: Of COURSE, he's gonna hide from the police in the dishwasher. That's not their jurisdiction anymore! This is a job for the Maytag Repair Man!

Ben: And his deputy, Mr. Clean!

Kathleen: And their goofy sidekick, lovable Madge from the Palmolive commercials!

{SHOT OF PART OF SAID COMMERCIAL WITH MADGE SAYING, "OH, MORE THAN JUST MILD."...FOLLOWED BY A TEST PATTERN}

Ian: How long was he planning to keep this ruse up? Like, if one of the owners came home and opened up the dishwasher, would he just say, {IN BAD POLISH ACCENT} "Give me some Jet-Dry" and hope they didn't notice?

Kathleen: {IN EQUALLY BAD POLISH ACCENT} "I not burglar! I've stubborn piece of stuck-on macaroni!"

Ben: And, apparently, this is where the phrase "Scrub Me Daddy" came from!

{SHOT OF A "SCRUB DADDY" SPONGE...WITH MADGE SAYING, "OH, MORE THAN JUST MILD."}

Kathleen: At this point in the Feed Dump "story arc", it's typically where I dispense more information...but there's not a lot more here. The guy was a burglar, he was trying to evade capture and then he thought he's hide in a dishwasher where the police was like, {MIMES OPENING DISHWASHER} "Come out of there." Um, but I will say...he WAS drunk, if you can believe it.

Ian: I mean, to be honest, if you're using a dishwasher as a make-shift "panic room", it's just one step above using your oven as a sleep aid.

Ben: Yeah, and if someone comes around and turns that dishwasher on, it's probably on par.

Ian: Well, I guess now that we've decided this is the darkest timeline, mustaches for all!!

Kathleen: {NOW WEARING 'EVIL VILLAIN' MUSTACHE} A twenty-four-year-old man from St. Paul, Minnesota was arrested after firing an AR-15 machine gun into a neighbor's house and claiming he was hunting zombies.

Ben: {WEARING 'BRUSH' MUSTACHE} See, this is just a clear case that we need a VR copy of "Call of Duty" zombies.

Kathleen: Ben, I cannot take you seriously while you're wearing that mustache. Why do you look like an old-timey prospector?

Ben: {IN OLD-TIMEY PROSPECTOR ACCENT} Because my jokes are GOLD!

Kathleen: At BEST, you're jokes are brass...but they're more-likely pyrite.

Ian: {WEARING 'CHARLIE CHAPLIN' MUSTACHE} Wow, Kathleen! Sick prospector burn! No, seriously, most prospectors fell ill due to scurvy and died from starvation.

Kathleen: Do we wanna talk about that guy who thought he was hunting zombies and almost killed one of his neighbors?

Ben: I dunno. I mean, to be fair, there's nothing in the article that says there WEREN'T zombies.

Kathleen: Uh, yeah, there was, actually. {READS FROM iPHONE} According to this article, the bullet (which was marked as "Anti-Zombie Ammuntion") shattered the window of one Ken Quayle who was sleeping at the time and the bullet narrowly missed his head.

Ben: {IN OLD-TIMEY PROSPECTOR ACCENT} Well, I'm just happy that he didn't accidentally shoot a "miner"!

Ian: Kathleen, I think this story's "panned" out.

Kathleen: {NOW WITHOUT MUSTACHE} A 54-year-old hiker from California is lucky to be alive after he interrupted two bears having sex in the Sierra Madre Mountains...{BREAKS ALONG WITH CO-HOSTS}

{TEST PATTERN}

Ian: {ALSO SANS 'STACHE} Did he try to join in?!? Because,...bears are not known for being into that sort of thing!

Ben: {WITH MUSTACHE ON CHIN NOW} And THAT'S where we look into Ian's Google search history and find "bear threesomes".

Ian: {TO BEN} First of all, I use "Duck Duck Go" (which is ALSO not an animal threesome site). And if you search for "bear threesomes" on the internet, you are NOT going to find anything of the ursine variety.

Kathleen: Yeah, I know you use "Duck Duck Go", Ian, because you're always leaving it logged-in on the WORK computer! And then I go LOOK for something and I'm like, "Why is Google broken?! Oh, I'm on a website that doesn't give you any results that you ever wanted any time!!" Why do you use that search engine?!? THIS COMES FROM A REALLY IRRITATING PLACE!!!

{CHANNEL TWO "TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES" SLATE}

Ben: {WITH 'STACHE ON FOREHEAD NOW} And THAT'S about the reaction the BEARS had when this guy marched in on their bang sesh!

Kathleen: So we don't care that this guy lived but still had a head injury and cuts to his head, neck, legs, feet and torso? No? OK, more bear jokes.

Ian: I'm just glad he managed to walk away without getting a case of the "bear clap".

Ben: {'STACHE ON UPPER CHEST NOW} Or Hepatitis B. {SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: THE "B" STAND FOR BEAR}

Kathleen: And we're DONE here! But, remember: there may be better sources of news, but they won't wish you a happy birthday FIVE WEEKS after you asked me to (sorry on Twitter, Ian; I finally remembered)...and they don't have THIS hat...{DONS TURKEY HAT}...which is a delightful turkey hat and it's PERFECT to go with Canadian Thanksgiving! Gobbledy-gob... {BEN HOLDS HIS FAKE 'STACHE INTO THE SHOT, APPROACHING KATHLEEN. KATHLEEN SWATS 'STACHES AWAY AND THROWS TURKEY HAT AT BEN} FEED DUMP!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF IAN TRYING TO REMOVE FAKE MUSTACHE; HE DOES WITH A LOAD GROAN, THEN CHECKS HIS TRUE MUSTACHE}

Ian: Oh, no, I think some of the adhesive's in my mustache.

Ben: {OFF-SCREEN} Yeah, looks like it.

Kathleen: {OFF-SCREEN} It absolutely is.

Ian: Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Ben: {OFF-SCREEN} Yeah, it's not a big deal.

Kathleen: {OFF-SCREEN} Yeah, it just looks like you have snot in your mustache.

Ian: Hurray...forever. COMMITMENT!