Condoms, Roaches and Fire Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Condoms, Roaches and Fire

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: {WITH A CRAZED LOOK ON HIS FACE} {IN STRANGE, PINCHED VOICE} Welcome to Feed Dump, I'm quite mad! Joining me this week irritated,

Cam: This new laundry detergent is just not working out as advertised.

Graham: and agitated!

Maya: No, I'm Maya. And, hello.

Graham: And nous sommes malheureux!

{TITLE: NOUS SOMMES MALHEUREUX/NEWS (SUBTITLE: NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS I DON'T SPEAK FRENCH. TAKE THAT CANADIAN EDUCATION SYSTEM!!)}

Graham: McDonald's is being sued by a Chicago woman who says that her son ate a used condom that he found in the play area of a McDonald's.

Cam: {THROWS UP HANDS} My bad!

Maya: What about a condom in the playground speaks to a child as appetizing, though?

Cam: Well if they're already eating at McDonald's...

The ball pit does seem like the natural habitat for a used condom.

Maya: Does this mean that they're going to need to add used condom and maybe semen to their nutritional facts list?

Cam: {SHRUGS} Organic.

{PAN TO MAYA, WHO STRUGGLES TO CONTAIN HER LAUGHTER. SHE PUTS HER FACE IN HER HANDS}

Maya: This brings into mind the question of whether the condom, used condom, was the worst thing that the kid ate. Do you know how many kids poop in ball pits?!

Graham: Uuuh, no? H- how many?

Maya: ALL. OF THEM.

Cam: Was he just like, eating ball... ball... used syringe... condom... food wrapper, smaller child... half an Arkansas license plate....

Graham: There was another kid involved, because apparently it wasn't just the boy Jonathan, it was also his brother Jacquel, who both partook.

Maya: How old were these kids, because if you say any older than two I will cry right now.

Graham: {OFFSCREEN} Three and four.

Maya: {PUTS FACE IN HANDS}

{CAM LAUGHS LOUDLY OFFSCREEN}

{CAMERA PANS TO CAM, WHO ABRUPTLY STOPS LAUGHING}

Graham: Imagine if you will: you're on a Greyhound bus out of Atlantic City. Fifteen minutes into the ride, the, the in-transit movie is started, you're... messing around on your cellphone, and that's when the cockroaches appear. The literal army of cockroaches that started appearing and swarming out of the bus into the passenger compartment that forced it to pull over and everyone to evacuate the bus. This happened! Not a movie.

Maya: I don't understand. Where were they, and, and, and why were they- wait wait wait, who released the orders to attack?! Was it just like, is there like one Sargent {MIMES HOLDING A BATTLE STANDARD} General... cockroach? {GIVES UP, WAVES HANDS} {BEAT} {OFFSCREEN LAUGHTER} That was the single scariest thought I've ever had in my life. A sentient cockroach.

Cam: {HANDS ON FACE} Would the cockroach army be a gestalt organism, or would they just be highly organized with good moral?

Maya: {HANDS ON FACE} Sentient cockroaches. They could be... in the walls. Right now. They were on a bus.

Cam: Where were they headed to? Does it have an international airport?

Maya: Did they pour in? And the top of the bus is covered in them and slowly it starts clearing in places and you realize that it spells out "SURENDER."

How do you surrender to a cockroach?

Cam: {HANDS ON FACE} ...you open your mouth.

Graham: Let's go on another hypothetical scenario. Say that you are a civilian contractor who has been hired to paint US nuclear submarines, and you wanna get off work early. Uh, how should you accomplish that? Set a fire! That'll probably work.

Maya: Maybe it was an accident.

Cam: Sure, I'm just gonna light all this paint on fire next to a nuclear reactor.

I mean, it's all already under water, how much damage could it possibly do?

Graham: Well, I mean, it worked. So... you know. When something works, once, you gotta try it again.

Cam: Wait. Twice?! He wasn't charged the first time after setting a fire on a nuclear submarine?!

Maya: OK, so they knew this guy set fire the first time, and they let him on a second time, did they just sit him down in a room and were like, "now Jerry, we know you want to go home early, but setting fire to the submarine is not the way to do it. Next time, you should just ask us."

And then when he did set fire to the submarine again, they thought to themselves, "no. We can hire someone that's not gonna SET FIRE TO THIS THING. We can do this."

Graham: And then they were like, "um, we're gonna charge you with arson because it's a nuclear submarine." So, he's getting seventeen years.

Maya: Totally worth it. {BEAT} Wait. Seventeen years?

Graham: {OFFSCREEN} Yeah.

Maya: Seventeen years? Totally worth it.

Graham: A great quote from the sentencing judge: {READING} "The second fire is especially troubling."

Maya: Because the first fire wasn't troubling enough?

Graham: It's doubly curious that he was able to start a second fire when the first one caused four hundred million dollars in damage and injured five people. Added bonus: his name is Casey Fury.

Maya: This guy just went from regular lazy painter to full blown villain.

Cam: I can only imagine striking at my nation's military and causing four hundred million dollars in damage! One day I can aspire to add that to my list of accomplishments. With years of planning. This guy took the afternoon OFF afterwards!

Did he do the cool guy walking away from the explosion thing in action movies too?

Graham: If he did, he probably didn't look as bad-ass as you would have done in the movies, considering he would have been wearing a painter's outfit and the accelerant was a plastic bag of rags. Less visual pop.

So he's been sentenced then, to seventeen years and substance abuse counselling, AND he has to pay back the four hundred million dollars? 'Cause that's feasible.

Maya: Maybe he can get a job setting things on fire?

Actually... I feel like that could be really lucrative.

{PANS TO CAM}

Cam: What, working for Al Qaeda?

Graham: Well, I want to knock off early, so before I set fire to something, remember: until next time, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON BROWN AND TAN KNIT MOHAWK EARFLAP HAT} this hat, which I stole from Maya. Thank you. {TO MAYA} You're not getting this back by the way.

Maya: {OFFSCREEN} That...

Graham: All Feed Dump hats become my hats.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Cam: Was this kid only stopped when he started eating the feet of another child, who's also eating his feet? And they were just forming like, a fat-ass torus slash ouroboros?

Maya: {HANDS ON FACE} This... there's something almost beautiful about this now Cameron.