CommodoreHUSTLE 02 - Red Transcript

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Transcript for commodoreHUSTLE 02 - Red


{Open on a shot of a large TV, with the overlay "Episode Two: RED". Tilt down to an Xbox 360 controller, which Matt picks up. Then cut to a succession of quick shots in time with the background music – Matt turning on the stereo, Matt putting some snacks on the table, Matt pushing a button on a remote, the TV coming on, the TV switching to component input, Matt pressing the guide button on his controller, and the Xbox turning on... and red-ringing. Matt sighs and marks another count on a tally on a clipboard next to him, bringing the total to ten. Roll the commodoreHUSTLE titles. A jib panning shot of Paul's apartment, then cut inside – Paul is wearing goggles and holding aloft a whisk, preparing to do something to a blender, but is interrupted by his phone ringing, which he answers.}

PAUL: Oh, hey Matt.

MATT: Hey, Paul.

PAUL: I'm kinda in the middle of something, you know. {makes gestures with his other hand, showing he's wearing a rubber oven mitt.} Is there anything I can help you with?

MATT: Yeah, could you come over? I need your technical skills and expertise.

PAUL: {excited} I'll be right there!

{Paul throws off his oven mitt and walks out. Wipe to James's dining room, where James is shaking his dead iPhone and trying to reactivate it. Graham walks in.}

GRAHAM: Hey, James.

JAMES: Oh, hey Graham.

{James gives up on his iPhone and puts it down. Graham holds up an apple he's carrying.}

GRAHAM: Hey, what's this?

JAMES: It's an apple.

GRAHAM: OK, now, who am I?

{Graham drops the apple into a nearby jug of water.}

JAMES: An asshole.

GRAHAM: Oh. sorry.

{Graham retrieves the apple from the water jug.}

GRAHAM: So, what's your plan?

JAMES: OK, I've been working on my story all night, and I think Neighbourhood Wireless is really going to buy it, OK?


JAMES: So, picture, if you will, Elk Lake.

{Cut to a shot of a dock overlooking the lake.}

JAMES: {voiceover} So, I'm hanging out.

{James appears on the dock.}

JAMES: {voiceover} And Bill was there with me.

{Bill also appears on the dock.}

JAMES: {voiceover} And... we were fishing.

{Fishing rods appear for both people, and they cast off into the lake.}

JAMES: {voiceover} Then, out of nowhere, came this ninja!

{Said ninja appears behind them, sword raised, ready to strike. He charges at James.}

JAMES: {voiceover} Bill was too distracted trying to reel in a fish, and was no help in taking down the ninja.

{James spins around and blocks the ninja's sword with his fishing rod. He then drops his rod, grabs the sword, and tries to punch the ninja. The ninja, however, dodges the punch and gets James in a headlock.}

JAMES: Help!

JAMES: {voiceover} After a hard-fought battle, I was able to subdue the ninja, I took my rightful place at the top of the dock to finish him off with a bodyslam.

{James headbutts the ninja, who collapses to the ground, James pulls the ninja out from the wall and onto the dock.}

JAMES: {voiceover} But due to my lack of peripheral vision, I was unaware of the second ninja lurking just out of sight.

{James climbs up onto the railing around the dock, and prepares do jump down on top of the ninja. Cut to a different angle, and we see a second ninja sneaking up to the side of James. As Graham interrupts, the scene pauses, with an OSD-like overlay that reads "▶PAUSE".}

GRAHAM: {voiceover} You have perfectly fine peripheral vision...

JAMES: {voiceover} You're ruining my flow.

{The scene continues.}

JAMES: {voiceover} Anyways, the second ninja pulled a cheap shot, knocking me back, forcing me to plunge to my iPhone's watery death.

{James gets up and starts showboating before his bodyslam, the second ninja comes up and punches James in the groin, who then falls off the rail, spins in midair, and falls into the water. Just as he hits the water, cut back to James and Graham at the table.}

JAMES: So, what do you think?

GRAHAM: I think that, tactically, a shooting-star press would've been a better choice, and anyone who buys that story needs to get themselves checked out.

JAMES: Wow. Tell me how you really feel, douchebag. {picks up a VHS tape} What if I show them this recreation that I filmed last night?

GRAHAM: Is that a VHS tape? {reaches down to his pocket} Where did you even get one of those?

JAMES: I dunno, I just got... it's in my living room...

{Grahams phone rings, interrupting them.}

GRAHAM: Oop, excuse me a sec. {pulls out phone} Oh, have to take this. {answers} Hello? Yeah. Yeah. Mhmm. Oh, not a problem, no. He's right here, I'll tell him right now. OK, thanks, good to talk to you again. Bye. {hangs up; to James} That was 1996, they want their video format back.

JAMES: {beat} That was a terrible joke. But... really good timing on the phone. Who was it?

GRAHAM: Oh, that was no-one, I have this thing, {pulls out a small box with a button from his pocket} and when I push this button...

{Graham pushes the button, and his phone rings. He pulls his phone out and turns it off.}

JAMES: What the hell. Dude. Why do you have that?

GRAHAM: Pretty much for the situation that just occurred.

JAMES: OK, so you spent...?

GRAHAM: $130.

JAMES: A hundred and thirty dollars, to make lame, terrible, crappy jokes?

GRAHAM: It seemed like a good idea at the time. Anyway, your story better sound bloody convincing. Don't forget, I work for Neighbourhood Wireless, and if there's one thing I've learned it's that they have trained teams of fuck-uppers on hand, just to screw with you.

JAMES: You can get training at fucking things up? Do they get, like, certification or something?

GRAHAM: Uh, they would, but they failed the course. That's how good they are, they can fuck up to the power of two. I am so stoked to be giving my notice today. Soon, I shall be free. Anyways, I'll see you later.

{Graham gets up to head out, revealing he's wearing garishly-patterned red-and-white pants he wore as G-Star in RapStar 64K.}

JAMES: Whooooa! What the hell are you wearing?

GRAHAM: What? These are the pants from the RapStar video.

JAMES: Yeah, OK, I get that... but why are you wearing them now? Are you dressing to offend?

GRAHAM: Dude, these cost $60 alone. I'm not gonna spend that kind of coin on a one-time costume. {pulls on the matching hoodie} I am wearing the hell out of this stuff.

JAMES: Yeah, but you look like an idiot.

GRAHAM: I don't debate that. But at least I don't look like I waste money.

JAMES: It looks like you're wearing money.

GRAHAM: I am pretty gangster. Later, James.

{Wipe to Matt's apartment. Paul rushes in, still wearing his goggles, with a box full of tools in one hand and a hacksaw at the ready in the other.}

PAUL: I got here as quickly as I could!

MATT: Oh, hey Paul. Uh, my 360 red-ringed, do you think you could take a look at it?

PAUL: Er, that's it? Aw. Alright, I guess.

{Saddened, Paul puts his hacksaw back in the box, which he puts aside. Cut to Paul taking a close look at the 360.}

PAUL: Ah, nah, it's hooped. What'd you do to it?

MATT: Nothing, it worked fine at my parents' place while I was doing my laundry...

{Whip pan to Matt's parents' place. Matt is putting the last of his clothes into his laundry basket. He sets his 360 on top and picks the basket up.}

MATT: Bye, mom!

{Matt walks out of the room, and we hear something fall and the sound of glass shattering.}

MATT: {offscreen} Damn it!

{Whip pan back to Matt and Paul, now sitting on a couch.}

PAUL: Alright, so your first 360 was dead out of the box...

{Cut to a shot of Mat looking at a newly-opened 360 box and sighing. Cut back to Paul and Matt.}

PAUL: And then...

{Paul picks up the clipboard and starts flicking through the pages. Cut to a montage of all the ways Matt's 360s have failed.}

PAUL: {voiceover} ... you had water...

{Matt is shaking his head, looking over the railing of the dock into the water, where there are splashes as though of a recently-dropped heavy object.}

PAUL: {voiceover} ... ten-foot drop...

{Matt is shaking his head, looking off the side of a roof, down at the ground.}

PAUL: {voiceover} ... Bill...

{Matt is looking at one half of a 360 sitting on a table... Bill is standing by, with a sword. Matt shakes his head at Bill.}

PAUL: {voiceover} ... electrical surge...

{Matt is in the dark, examining his 360 with a flashlight.}

PAUL: {voiceover} ... Bill...

{Matt is looking at a 360 on a table at Bill's place, Bill is standing by holding a can of Coke. Bill shrugs.}

PAUL: {voiceover} ... Bill again...

{Matt and Bill are in a basketball court... the 360 is caught in the basket. Bill shrugs again.}

PAUL: {voiceover} ... chilli powder.

{Matt is holding his 360 and a jar of chilli powder. He looks from to the other, and then nods as if to say "why not?". Cut back to the couch}

PAUL: ... and now laundry.

MATT: Well, I'll admit the chilli powder was my fault, but the rest I can't be held responsible for.

PAUL: Well, you'd better call Microsoft, see if your warranty covers dumbass. In the meantime, I have an idea.

{Paul gets up and walks out. Cut to Jer's apartment. Jer is working on a laptop, and has a pile of his missing-person posters. His phone rings, and he answers it.}

JER: Hello? No, no I'm fine— Yes. No, no— This is Jeremy Petter. No sir, I don't think it's very funny either. Yes, yes, I'm sorry, thank you sir. Buh-bye.

{Jer hangs up, and Paul walks in.}

PAUL: Oh, hey Jer.

JER: {confused} Come in?

PAUL: Can I borrow some stuff?

{Paul is already walking over to Jer's cupboard.}

JER: OK... why?

PAUL: {deep in Jer's cupboard} Science! Nothing to concern yourself with. Unless you want to help?

JER: Sorry, I've got a big paper due, no can do.

PAUL: Your loss. {closes Jer's cupboard, from which he has taken several cables} Now, just need a few more... {trails off, muttering to himself} Bye Jer! {leaves}

{Jer's phone rings again, Jer sighs and answers it. Wipe to a panning shot of Bill and Morgan's house. Cut inside to see Bill sleeping in a chair. Morgan runs into the room at speed.}

MORGAN: Billbillbillbillbill! Bill!

{Morgan starts shaking, and then hitting, Bill, with no effect.}

MORGAN: Bill, wake up! Oh, crap.

{Morgan crouches down and leans as far away from Bill as possible. He then reaches over and grabs Bill's nose, looking away and shielding his face with his other hand. Bill suddenly awakens, with his fists flailing wildly – Morgan jumps out of the way onto a nearby couch.}

BILL: {relaxing} Sorry, don't do that, man. Fuck.

MORGAN: How is it that that I have to threaten your life to wake you up, and yet if a ninja is in a one mile radius, you're awake in a second? They don't even make noise!

BILL: Not that you can hear. What'd you wake me up for, anyway?

MORGAN: {frantically} Oh! New DotA map got released!

BILL: {equally frantic} Really? Call James, gogogo!

{Both of them get up and run out of the room to their respective computers.}

MORGAN: I'm phoning James now!

BILL: What'd he say?

MORGAN: No answer!

BILL: Washed his iPhone!

MORGAN: Right!

BILL: Try him online!

MORGAN: Internet's down!

BILL: Resetting the router!

MORGAN: Warn me next time!

BILL: You downloading porn or something?

MORGAN: I just found a torrent of Pirates 2.

BILL: Call Matt!

MORGAN: Right!

{Cut to Matt at his computer. His phone rings, and he slowly and carefully takes it out if its case and answers it.}

MATT: Hello?

MORGAN: Matt! New DotA map! We need a host!

MATT: {slowly} Oooh, yeah, I'd like to... but my 360 red-ringed, and I've really gotta phone Mic—

MORGAN: {hanging up} Lost cause!

BILL: Every man left behind! Go go go!

MORGAN: Logging on!

{Slow-motion shots of both Morgan and Bill grabbing their mice, and clicking the button in Warcraft 3. Their dialog from this point is very sedate, as they are engrossed in their game.}

BILL: Morgan, gank mid.

MORGAN: Can't. Soloing top. Don't want Luna to free farm.

{Paul walks in.}

PAUL: Hey Bill.

BILL: Hey Paul.

{Paul walks into Morgan's room.}

PAUL: Hey, Morgan, can I borrow your NES?

{Morgan does not respond in any way.}

PAUL: Morgan. Can I borrow your NES?

{Still nothing.}

PAUL: OK. Morgan, if I can borrow your NES, don't do anything. {beat} Thanks!

{Paul goes off and grab's Morgans NES. As he's leaving, he turns back.}

PAUL: Oh, what's that you say? I can also have that shirt that I always wanted? Great!

{Paul takes the shirt, and walks out. Wipe to Matt, who is talking on the phone, as Paul enters behind him.}

MATT: Oh wow! Thank you! Yeah, no, that's awesome! That's perfect. Thank you very much. Yeah, have a good day. {hangs up}

MATT and PAUL: {together} Wow, that was easy.

MATT: What was easy?

PAUL: Uh, nothing. How did it go with Microsoft?

MATT: Oh, it went great! They're sending me the shipping box today.

PAUL: Wow, they must be very trusting. I wouldn't give you any of my stuff.

MATT: Yeah, it turns out they've got a known Eternal Sonata defect. After 50 hours, the console just loses motivation.

PAUL: Hmm. I wouldn't've expected Microsoft to bend over and take it like that. Somehow I think you're still the catcher in this scenario.

MATT: No, I'm still getting a new Xbox, I'm pretty sure that makes me the top.

PAUL: In the world of systems, Microsoft is definitely the big, burly, gay man. You will do what he says.

MATT: I thought Apple was the gay one.

PAUL: No no, in this scenario, Apple is Microsoft's bisexual roommate.

MATT: Well what about Linux?

PAUL: Linux doesn't consider defining its sexuality to be an efficient use of uptime. Hey, before I start on this, I've gotta show you something awesome over at Bill and Morgan's place.

MATT: Starting what?

PAUL: Don't worry about it.

MATT: Alright... Y'know, I think that's the trick for dealing with customer service people. You've just gotta know what to say.

{Matt gets up to leave, and wipe to James's place... James is on the phone with Neighbourhood Wireless.}

JAMES: Screw you too, asshole!

{James hangs up, and Graham walks in and sits down.}

JAMES and GRAHAM: {together} Well, that sucked.


GRAHAM: Uh, nothing. How'd that go?

JAMES: Not well. I told them my story, but they didn't believe me. Then they laughed at me. Then they made fun of my mom.

GRAHAM: That's not cool, I like your mom.

JAMES: Thanks.

GRAHAM: {beat} Man, that's when you need a really solid "James's Mom" joke. Where's Morgan when you need him?

{Cut to Bill and Morgan. Paul and Matt are present.}

MORGAN: I'm pushing in bottom.

BILL: Cool, let's gank one first and then I'll help you.

PAUL: Alright, watch this. Morgan, if I can take your lava lamp, do nothing to object. {pause} Thanks! {takes lava lamp}

MATT: Oh, wow! Morgan, remain seated if you don't mind me cleaning out your wallet.

MORGAN: Hey Bill, I'm coming to gank SK!

MATT: O...K then. {takes Morgan's wallet}

PAUL: Oh man, call James, this is awesome.

MATT: Um, iPhone plus washing machine?

PAUL: Call his landline.

MATT: His what?

PAUL: I'll do it.

{Cut back to James and Graham.}

JAMES: Well you work there, is there anything you can do?

GRAHAM: Sorry man, now that I've given notice, they're gonna be watching me to make sure I don't jack anything.

{James's landline rings.}

GRAHAM: {confused} The hell's that?

JAMES: It's my landline.

GRAHAM: Your what?

JAMES: {answering} Hello? Uh, yeah. Uh... {to Graham} do you wanna go over to Bill's house?


JAMES: Paul just has something to show us.

GRAHAM: Oh. Oh, Paul's there. Oh, ah... {looks at watch} Still no, I have something I have to take care of. Catch up with you guys later, though. {leaves}

JAMES: {to phone} Uh, Graham's a no, but I guess I can come over. This better be awesome.

{Whip tilt back to Morgan's room. James is picking up a trophy from Morgan's desk.}

JAMES: This is awesome. It is so on.

{Begin a time-lapse shot of Paul, James and Matt removing everything from Morgan's room – first the contents of his closet, including the rails, then the chair Morgan was sitting on. James tries to take Morgan's keyboard, but he won't let that go, so he takes other things from his desk. Finally Paul and James carry his mattress out. Cut to the street, where James and Paul are carrying Morgan's mattress, while Matt fiddles with his iPhone. Graham walks up to them, now wearing a black cowboy hat.}

GRAHAM: Hey guys, what's going on?

PAUL: What are you wearing?

GRAHAM: {sighing} They're the pants from the Rap—

PAUL: No no, the hat.

GRAHAM: Oh... {removes the hat} Nothing.

JAMES: Hey Graham, can you get me here a second?

GRAHAM: {walking over} Uh, sure.

JAMES: D'you just want to take this?


JAMES: Oh, thanks man. Appreciate it. {hands over his end of the mattress to Graham} You got it?


JAMES: Hey Matt, Reinhardt skip to the end of the block?

MATT: You are so on.

JAMES: Let's go!

{The two skip off down the road.}

PAUL: What's a Reinhardt skip?

GRAHAM: From highschool, you remember?

PAUL: I didn't go to highschool with you guys.

GRAHAM: Oh. OK, well in Castlevania 64, your character Reinhardt, he—

PAUL: On second thought, I don't care.

GRAHAM: Alright.

{Cut to further down the road, Matt and James are skipping along. Matt trips, and his iPhone falls out of his pocket and bounces on the road.}

MATT: Noooooooo!

{Cut to Bill and Morgan.}

MORGAN: Noooo!

BILL: Noooo! How did we lose that? You need better macro!

MORGAN: Well you need better micro, dink! Ugh, who is this guy?

{Cut to Jer, who is playing on his laptop.}

JER: Ha HA! {typing} Screw you, you douchebags, learn to get a life outside of DotA. Heart symbol, Jer. Ha HA!

{Jer's phone rings again. Jer answers it.}

JER: Jeremy Petter, master of DotA. {deflating} Yes, no this is Jeremy Petter.

{Pan down to Jer's laptop, as the Apple logo becomes transparent and we see the next scene through it, then fade completely to the street, as Matt is picking up his phone. Graham drops his side of the mattress and runs over.}

MATT: Oh God, no... no nonononono...

GRAHAM: {running over} Matt, Matt, Mattmattmattmattmattmatt. Matt. {pulls an apple out of his pocket} What's this?