Child Protective Services Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Child Protective Services

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we're still reeling from E3, I'm Day 1 DLC, joining me this week is Twitter Integration,

Paul: If you can't say it in 140 characters, you don't need to say it!

Graham: And motion controls!

Ash: I'm controlling your motions!!! {WAVES ARMS}

Graham: And we're hoping that putting all three of these terrible things in our game will give our sales a boost.

{TITLE: OUR SALES NEED A BOOST/NEWS}

Graham: Travel and Leisure magazine have determined that Anchorage, Alaska is the worst dressed city in the US.

Paul: Are you sure you're not reading that wrong, and what they actually mean is the MOST dressed city in America? 'Cause I can see that. They probably just have more layers than everybody else.

Ash: To be totally fair, I don't think that Gucci makes a parka.

Paul: {WEARING THE UGLIEST FUZZY CROCHETTED POMPOM HAT} I do not see the problem. This is the height of fashion and I will not hear anything against it.

{NO HAT} Well maybe they have really stylish clothes on under their outer clothes. They're ready to attend, like, an opening gala at any moment, but only once they get inside.

Graham: Now Anchorage just barely eked out Salt Lake City for it's place at the bottom of the list, but it's the bottom of the list of thirty-five cities. That's it. So presumably Buttfuck, Wisconsin is even more shabbily dressed.

A pot-smoking single mom from Phoenix, Arizona was arrested after driving away with her toddler on the roof of the car.

Ash: I'm actually willing to bet this wasn't the first time this happened. This is probably just the first time she was smoking pot at the time, so it hit headlines.

Paul: You know this kind of stuff happens so often, I mean not always with babies, but like, coffee, or just leaving something on the roof of your car, they should really have a system for that. Like, you start the car and a whole opens right there on the roof and drops whatever you had on... side... into the car. That'd be good.

Ash: But then you get covered in coffee.

Paul: Yeah, it's punishment! If it's a baby, it'll be dropped into your lap, and it'll be fine, if it's coffee, it'll be dropped into your lap, and it will hurt, and it'll tell you not to do it again!

Graham: Briefly, the fallout, the baby who was in the car seat fell off at an intersection, landed, was fine, was taken to child protective services as a precaution. The mother was so upset she went to a friend's house... and smoked two bowls of marijuana.

Ash: It was taken to child protective services as a precaution?! A precaution is something you do in CASE something happens! Not BECAUSE something happened!

Paul: The real embarrassing thing is that when they were going to take it to child protective services, they put the baby on top of the car and they drove away. Aah, that baby just has terrible luck.

Graham: Thirty-three year old Pennsylvania man has been arrested and charged with two counts of assault after he allegedly beat up a nine year old boy who kicked his ass in a water balloon fight.

Ash: I'm gonna have to side with the dude on this one. That shit is embarrassing.

Paul: Yeah, I think I may have to go with Ash on this, I mean I know from the story we're supposed to side with the kid, but some nine year olds can be really annoying, and be really nasty in a water balloon fight.

Graham: It's important to note that this isn't just like, random attack with a water balloon, this was a water balloon fight that the older guy started.

Paul: Alright, now things are looking kinda bad for the older guy. I mean you really shouldn't start a fight you can't finish.

Ash: Still, how badly do you have to lose a water balloon fight to really beat up a little kid?

Paul: See, in this situation, the adult's superior buying power really shoulda given him the fight, 'cause he can buy bigger water balloons, he can buy all sorts of water balloon accessories, you know this is just a lack of preparation on his part.

Graham: Some parents in New Jersey have had their kids taken away by a child protective services because they named one of them Adolf Hitler.

Paul: So, is Hitler their last name? Or is he like, "Adolf Hitler-Smith?" Which... seems very odd. Is it like hyphenated? Like, Adolf-Hitler? Or is the Hitler like his middle name?

Graham: I can actually answer that! It is Adolf Hitler Campbell. And while Hitler is technically a middle name, it is styled that Adolf Hitler, no hyphen is his first name. This all came to light when a local store refused to decorate a birthday cake for him.

Ash: Can we actually arrest people for giving their kids stupid names? 'Cause that opens up a whole can of worms, like... Apple Paltrow?

Paul: Yeah, and didn't Nicholas Cage name his son Kal-El?

{PAN TO ASH}

Ash: Yeah, but, that's an awesome name. He should, he should be given something for that. What's the opposite of being arrested? Do that.

{PAN TO PAUL}

Paul: Yeah actually you're probably right. That, that is a pretty sweet name.

Graham: What's a worse baby name than Adolf Hitler? It's gonna be tough but let's find out.

{TITLE: WHEN THINGS GET BAD YOU GOTTA ASK YOURSELF WHAT COULD BE WORSE. (Graham: That was awful.)}

Ash: ...DOUBLE Hitler?

Paul: I dunno, something like... Poop Scooper?

Ash: Mecha Hitler!

Paul: Just keep it simple. Dick Face.

Ash: Or not so simple. Like... I Killed a Lot of Jews Bin Laden Mitt Romney Hitler Campbell.

Paul: How about something that you can never actually tell anybody without being censored, like just, like, Fuck Dave.

If he was ever like, interviewed on TV, it would have to be like, bleeped out, or be in like, like blurred out on the screen. It would be just really uncomfortable for everybody.

Ash: INFINITE HITLER.

Paul: See, okay, I think we may be going about this the wrong way, 'cause if you do like, Something Hitler, you can always just drop the Hitler part, and then it would just be like, "Hi, I'm Infinite Campbell." Which is weird, but not like offensive. So what if it's just like, drop everything and just like, Hitler.

Ash: I think basically what we're saying here is Hitler's kind of a trump card when it comes to bad names for your children.

Graham: So there you have it, if you're looking for a terrible name for your baby, you can't do better than Hitler. {PAUSE} Worse than Hitler. Whatever. Until next time, I'm Graham, this has been Feed Dump, and there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON PINK BUNNY EARFLAP HAT} this hat! Which looks awesome when you dance! {"DANCES", EARS FLOP UP AND DOWN} Or whatever this is called. {STOPS} Hopping, I think they call it. {HOPS?}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{CAMERA IS ON PAUL, PANS TO ASH AS SHE STARTS SPEAKING}

Ash: Or Hitler Hitler Hyphen Hitler.

{PAN TO PAUL}

Paul: {LAUGHING} Just like, multiple Hitlers?

{PAN TO ASH}

Ash: Well, the hyphen indicates that not only were both of your parents, did they have the same last name, but they chose not to take each other's last name. So they hyphenated it.

{PAN TO PAUL}

Ash: {OFFSCREEN} So you have to say it twice.

Paul: {LAUGH} So that, so that if anybody wants to talk to you they have to say the word Hitler multiple times.

{PAN TO ASH}

Ash: Hitler Hitler-Hitler.

Paul: That is just gonna be unfortunate on the school yard.