Cats & Mice Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Cats & Mice

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where James left his hat {PUTS ON JAMES' HAT} so... mine now. I'm the man. Joining me this week is the army,

Kathleen: {WEARING BIG GREEN MILITARY TRENCH COAT} Come to me when you need trench warfare done.

Graham: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} the navy,

Cam: {WEARING SAILOR'S HAT WITH NECKSTRAP OVER HIS NOSE} I've been press ganged.

Graham: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} and the law!

Alex: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SUNGLASSES} I AM THE LAW!

Graham: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} I know, I just said that! And... news times.

{TITLE: AND... NEWSTIMES?/NEWS}

Graham: Do you like cupcakes? I like cupcakes. Who doesn't like cupcakes? Well, a New York foodie has predicted that marshmallows will be the fancy food trend of 2012 saying "marshmallows are the new cupcakes."

Kathleen: {WEARING GRAY KNIT BERET} As a foodie who is fond of both cupcakes and marshmallows, I have to say, who gives a fuck? They're all delicious.

In fact, we should stop this fighting. We put marshmallows IN the cupcakes! Or, frost the cupcakes with marshmallow!

Cam: Does this mean we're gonna have marshmallowries? Marsh...mallum? Mallowries? What do you call a marshmallow foundry?

Graham: Marshmallowry sounds like the human identity of she-swamp thing.

Alex: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SUNGLASSES} So I feel like there's been a downward trend in k- like, cake sizes. 'Cause we've gone cakes, cupcakes, there's now these cake pops at Starbucks. What's next, like thimble cakes?

Cam: So what's after the cake thimble? Breakfast cereal-size cake shrapnel?

Alex: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SUNGLASSES} Cupcakes?! FOR BREAKFAST?!

Cam: Cupcakes aren't for breakfast!!! {PULLS OFF BELT}

Kathleen: {WEARING GRAY KNIT BERET} So I think this is- {OFFSCREEN, THERE IS THE CRACK OF A BELT. ALEX SCREAMS} {KATHLEEN GOES WIDE EYED}

Graham: In Australia, a brand new species of fly has been discovered, that, with its delightful gold "booty" receives the name Beyonce.

They named a species of fly after Beyonce because it had a nice butt.

Alex: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SUNGLASSES} {HOLDING HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS} NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.

{SHOT OF CAM AND KATHLEEN, KATHLEEN IS WEARING HER GRAY KNIT BERET}

Kathleen: {WEARING GRAY KNIT BERET} Is that racist?

Cam: If you have to ask...

{BOTH SHRUG}

Graham: It's a good move from a branding perspective, because it does beat the colloquial name {READING FROM IPAD} {IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT} Golden bum fly.

Kathleen: {WEARING GRAY KNIT BERET} So, they're upgrading from {IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT} Golden bum fly, to Beyonce bum fly.

Alex: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SUNGLASSES} {IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT} CRIKEY!

Cam: Where does this leave Jennifer Lopez? I mean she worked for years on this.

Graham: The SPCA in Fredrickton, New Brunswick is fund raising to put a cat on a diet after someone left them a thirty pound cat.

Kathleen: {WEARING GRAY KNIT BERET} I love cats. Like, I love them, know that I love cats, and what I say is not cruel at all, but why do you need to fund raise to put the cat on the diet. Just give it less food! That should save you money!

Cam: The problem they've run into is that they're having a hard time finding whatever food the cat eats, because the cat has clearly been eating Whoppers.

Graham: The box that Tiny came in also contained a regular sized cat named Repunzle that was underneath him.

Alex: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SUNGLASSES} Ah! Tiny! {LAUGHS} Irony! 'Cause, 'cause it's fat.

Cam: Maybe the smaller cat it came packaged with was its food supply. Kind of a Baron Harkonnen thing.

Kathleen: {WEARING GRAY KNIT BERET} Nobody wants a still suit that runs on cat.

Graham: The body of Astromaus, a Dutch mouse that was strapped to a firework on New Year's, has been put on display at a museum in an effort to discourage cruelty to animals.

{READING FROM IPAD} He is stuffed and mounted in what is meant to be a triumphant position, surrounded by firework rockets.

Alex: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SUNGLASSES} I think that planning committee had their messages backwards. They... trying to discourage cruelty by making it look awesome?

Kathleen: {WEARING GRAY KNIT BERET} Is he stuffed and mounted with a little expression of terror on his tiny fuzzy face?

Cam: Or have they just poured his liquified remains into a mold?

Kathleen: {WEARING GRAY KNIT BERET} Somewhere Damien Hurst is reading this and going, "psh! Amateurs."

Cam: Is it like a tomb to the martyrs for other mice, so that when they rise against us, they'll have an icon?

Kathleen: {WEARING GRAY KNIT BERET} All hail the Astromaus!

Alex: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SUNGLASSES} {IN GERMAN ACCENT} En voch, en reich, en MAUS!

{PAN TO CAM}

Cam: That's German. They're Dutch.

{PAN BACK TO ALEX}

Alex: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SUNGLASSES} Oh! The Dutch!

Graham: AGAIN! A man who was handcuffed with his hands behind his back who then stole a police car... while handcuffed, has turned himself in after two days on the run.

Alex: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SUNGLASSES} Well it's like, clearly his balls are big enough to steer the vehicle.

Cam: Well that also explains the two days. Once you get that much momentum with nuts that size, it probably takes a long time to stop.

Kathleen: {WEARING GRAY KNIT BERET} I dunno, if I was the booking officer, and I'd be like, "Hm. You escaped while handcuffed, stole police car while handcuffed and drove away while handcuffed. Fair play to you!"

Alex: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SUNGLASSES} Oh, you've come back? This time: carbonite.

Graham: What I don't understand is that the police car he stole was found in a pond.

Kathleen: {WEARING GRAY KNIT BERET} Did he push the cruiser into the pond, or did he drive it in, and then escape with his hands behind his back and swim out?

Alex: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SUNGLASSES} Psh! Swim?! That guy totally flew. Or his giant balls displaced all the water in the pond.

Kathleen: {WEARING GRAY KNIT BERET} Is this Houdini?

Cam: It's nega-Houdini.

Graham: That's the end. So until next time, remember, there may be better sources for news but they don't have {PUTS ON JAMES' HAT} this hat. 'Cause this is James' hat. I hope he watches this episode and then remembers where he left the hat. Aah.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Graham: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} Also, if you notice, it's very similar {TURNS HAT SIDEWAYS} to the scumbag Steve hat. {MEME TEXT APPEARS ON SCREEN: FINDS YOUR HAT/ MAKES FUN OF IT} {GRAHAM MAKES SCUMBAG STEVE FACE} So that's fun.

Alex: {OFFSCREEN} James is Steve!

Graham: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} Oh God, James is Steve! Steve is James!

Alex: {OFFSCREEN} He's just straight a scumbag.

Graham: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} Dun dun dun!