Brain Transplants Made Easy Transcript

Transcript for Brain Transplants Made Easy

Transcript

(Until otherwise stated, everybody has their original personalities.)

{Black and white caption: LoadingReadyLabs presents: Brain Transplants Made Easy}

{Cut to laboratory where we see Gibb and Paul wearing lab coats. Paul is holding a Dreamcast}

Graham: {narrating} Have you ever found yourself wishing you could walk a mile in someone else's shoes, and particularly if that someone has better shoes than you? Well, with advances in modern brain transplant technology, this amazing procedure is only fatal half the time.

Jer: Cut! Stop, please!

{At this point, the image becomes colour as everyone groans. Graham, who has Gibb on his arm, stands up.}

Jer: Okay, guys. Can we please do something at least grounded in reality? I mean, I know we've been over this but this is ridiculous.

{Camera swings round to show Matt paging through this show's script with Kathleen and Morgan standing nearby.}

Morgan: {to Jer} Dude, we did a skit where you had Force powers!

Jer: Which, in the Rumble, were established to be imaginary.

Kathleen: And we established that the Rumble wasn't canon, remember?

Jer: Regardless, I have problems believing that you could actually switch brains with someone.

Paul: Yeah, but it works.

Graham: {looks nervously perplexed} Wait, what?

Paul: Well, not literally.

Graham: {relieved} Oh, okay. Sorry.

Paul: I mean, you can't actually take someone's brain and transplant it in another body. But, you can effectively do that just by overwriting their personality with a new one.

Graham: {perplexed again} I... Sorry, what?

Matt: {laughs} Real funny, Paul. Can we get on with this, 'cos I've got an exam in two hours.

Paul: No really, it works. Look here, I'll show you.

{Paul steps into the middle of the room. At the back, we see James, who's holding the mike boom, playing Rock, Paper, Scissors with Bill. Paul sets the Dreamcast on the table and presses a button. Suddenly the screen fades into white.}

Everybody: AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

Graham: {interrupting mid-scream} Wait, hang on. Was that a Dreamcast?

Paul: Yeah, they have a really dedicated mod community.

Graham: Oh.

Everybody: {resumes screaming}

{The screen fades back to normal and we see everyone rubbing their eyes to clear the glare, unaware yet that they have been switched and yet still speak in their normal voices.}

Paul (really Graham): Oh, oh that was great, Paul. Blind us again some time.

Morgan (really Kathleen): Um, Paul, why are you talking to yourself?

Graham (really Paul): I'm not talking to myself.

James (really Matt): What the hell, James? I get distracted for one minute and you make me hold the boom. Dick...

Matt (really James): Screw you, ass hat. I didn't do anything... of the... {looks down at his body} ... sort.

Kathleen (really Morgan): {starts feeling her/his bosom} I feel so rounded.

Paul (Graham): You just switched all our bodies, didn't you?

Graham (Paul): {notices Gibb on his arm and realizes} Wow yeah... Yeah, I did! I told you it would work!

Kathleen (Morgan): So... rounded and localized... areas.

Paul (Graham): Okay, wait a minute here. Who's who, okay?

Kathleen (Morgan): So firm...

Matt (James): {cups a certain area on his body and giggles cheekily}

Kathleen (Morgan): So massive!

Paul (Graham): Okay, I think we know where Morgan is.

Morgan (Kathleen): Morgan?! Ew, stop touching you! Uh me, uh- {grabs Kathleen's arms and pulls them away from her breasts} Get back here!

Paul (Graham): Keep your hands where we can see them, okay? Stop manhandling my girlfriend!

Kathleen (Morgan): Womanhandling. I'm a woman now.

Matt (James): {awkwardly} Okay... that's really disturbing... but he raises a good point.

James (Matt): For once, I agree with you... James? Man, that's weird. {feels a certain area on his body then lifts his trousers up slightly} Yes!

Morgan (Kathleen): If Paul and Graham switched, and Morgan and I switched, and Matt and James switched, then where's Jer?

James (Matt): {turns to Bill who had been slumped on the railing with his head lolled since the switch occurred.} Jer? {He gently prods Bill, who promptly falls off the railing and slumps to the floor}

Dana (really Jer): {entering the room} Guys, I have boobs. Your machine turned me into a woman.

James (Matt): Who are you?

Dana (Jer): Jer?

Graham (Paul): {turns to Jer who's now Dana} Well then, who are you?

Jer (really Dana): {terrified} I don't know!

Paul (Graham): {does a quick headcount} Okay, where's Bill?

Gibb (with Bill's voice): Graham, Paul, whoever you are, get your hand out of my ass!

{Graham (Paul) stares at Gibb (Bill) then points at him in stunned bafflement}

Matt (James) {turns to Bill's motionless body in thought} I wonder...

Matt (James) gets up, steps towards Bill, rolls up his sleeve and makes to shove his hand up Bill's ass.}

James (Matt): {stopping Matt (James) just in time} Whoa, buck off! I need that hand to play WoW!

Jer (Dana): {still confused} Uh, who are you guys?

Paul (Graham): We're still not completely sure about that at the moment. Why don't you have a seat, and we'll get back to you.

Jer (Dana): {promptly backs into a chair in the corner} Mep.

Dana (Jer): Am I the only one who got turned into a woman, guys?

Morgan (Kathleen): Jer, you didn't get turned into a woman. You switched bodies with... {releases Kathleen (Morgan) to point at Jer (Dana), trying to get her/his name}

Jer (Dana): Dana.

Morgan (Kathleen): Yeah, what he- she said.

Kathleen (Morgan): {advances amorously at Dana (Jer)} So... Jer, how's it going?

Morgan (Kathleen): No! Morgan, bad! Hands where I can see them!

Kathleen (Morgan): {throws her/his hands up in annoyance} D'oh!

Paul (Graham): Okay. Paul- geez that's weird- huddle.

{The two switched founders huddle together, with Gibb (Bill) still on Graham (Paul)'s arm}

Paul (Graham): What if we can't change back? How am I gonna explain to the boss on Monday how I look, sound and feel totally different?

Graham (Paul): Um- Wait, feel?

Paul (Graham): Yeah, you're a lot pointier than I am. {cups his elbow in one hand} You could put an eye out with one of these things.

Graham (Paul): Well, I mean... Um... {rubs his chin in thought then pauses for a moment to feel his beard on his normal body} It was... It's not permanent, so we should change back... eventually.

Gibb (Bill): Eventually? How eventually is 'eventually'?

Paul (Graham): Yeah, we're really gonna need a real definitive timeline on this.

Graham (Paul): Well, should be no more than... eight months? Outside?

Paul (Graham): {sarcastically} Oh. Well, that doesn't sound so bad. Wait no, that is bad! Terribly, terribly bad!

Graham (Paul): Well... {shrugs helplessly}

Gibb (Bill): And uh, why do you still have your hand up my ass?

{Graham (Paul) and Paul (Graham) swap worried looks then turn to the others}

{Caption: Three months later...}

{Everyone's now at Graham's house, waiting for the effects of the brain transplant to wear off}

Paul (Graham): {to Morgan (Kathleen) as he holds her/his hand} Sweetie?

Morgan (Kathleen): Yeah?

Paul (Graham): I don't think this is gonna work out.

Morgan (Kathleen) and Paul (Graham): {quickly letting go} Yeah, yeah.

Kathleen (Morgan): Yeah, you guys are gay! {turns to Dana (Jer)} Hey, Jer, wanna do something gay?

Dana (Jer): For the last time, NO!

Jer (Dana): Can I go home now?

Dana (Jer): Keep that body here!

Gibb (Bill): {still being held by Graham (Paul)} Could one of you guys put your hand up my ass so I can go and play WoW?

Matt (James) and James (Matt): Shotgun!

Bill: {strange gurgling noises}

Stinger

James: {points at Bill's motionless body} I don't think that's Jer. But if it is, Jer's personality plus Bill's ass, winning combination!