Bigfeets Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Bigfeets

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we are just two days away from Desert Bus. I am the air freshener, joining me this week is the bug splat,

Kathleen: I'm one of the only highlights of this game!

Graham: ...and {IN A GRUFF VOICE} the suffering!

Cam: I'm the payoff...

Graham: And we're all ready to play the game that no matter how much you win, you still lose.

{TITLE: EVEN WHEN WINNING, WE STILL LOSE/NEWS}

Graham: Speaking of embarrassing yourself in public, government officials in India have armed groups of volunteers with drums and whistles to shame people who urinate and defecate in public.

Kathleen: What a shitty job.

Cam: How do the subjects know that it's a shaming squad? Maybe they're a cheerleading squad as far as they're concerned?

{SHOT OF CAM AND KATHLEEN ON THE COUCH. KATHLEEN SHAKES A GREEN GRASS SKIRT LIKE A POM-POM IN ONE HAND}

Cam and Kathleen: {IN A CHEER} Gooooooo POOPS! You're number one! {POINTING} That's number two!

Graham: My worry is what if the subjects themselves know it's a shame squad, but don't find it shameful. And they're just like, "yes. Yes, whistle and drum! Alert everyone to what I am doing! Make them WATCH." That seems worse.

Kathleen: I wonder how the Indian government feels that they've commissioned a squad of people to give a very small subset of the population uncontrollable boners while they're taking a shit.

Cam: I dunno how they feel, but I'm reasonably upset by that.

Graham: A hundred and five story pyramid shaped hotel in North Korea's Pyongyang that is unfinished and has been for over twenty years may finally probably be finished and opened.

Kathleen: {IN CREEPY STILTED TOUR GUIDE VOICE} Come to scenic Pyongyang and see our beautiful pyramidal hotel and we will not kidnap you American swine!

Cam: Oh wow, that's hideous. They waited so long to finish this that Brutalism has come back into style.

Kathleen: {IN CREEPY STILTED TOUR GUIDE VOICE} Our scenic pyramidal hotel was started in the 80s but we ran out of funds but we have been keeping it warm and safe filled with rats and homeless communists. Also communist rats.

Graham: A woman from Cleveland who has plead guilty to not stopping for a school bus and reckless operation of her vehicle while blowing through an intersection has been sentenced to stand at that intersection wearing a sign that says "Idiot."

Kathleen: {IN CREEPY STILTED TOUR GUIDE VOICE} Come to scenic Pyongyang where we have progressive traffic penalties. {IN NORMAL VOICE} Sorry, that story's so ridiculous, I thought we were still talking about North Korea.

Cam: Yeah, it's kind of got a Scarlet Letter kind of flavour to it. Only... idiot. {BEAT} It's kinda broad, don't you think?

Kathleen: The scarlet dunce cap.

Cam: And really, towards the bottom grade of Demi Moore films.

Graham: I'm sorry, I actually just read the article with my eyes. She didn't blow through an intersection to avoid the bus, she drove on the sidewalk to avoid the bus.

Cam: I've done that exact move in Carmageddon, but that was for a quad Elvis.

Kathleen: What I like about this story is that it really ups the ante. School bus stop? Swerve around it, probably hit children crossing the road. No! Worse than that, school bus stop, swerve around it onto the sidewalk, take out an entire row of kids as they're hoping to board. That's like, five points each!

Graham: I can up this one more! She's done this several times! It wasn't until the veteran bus driver finally got fed up and filmed it on his cell phone that she was caught.

Kathleen: Are you fuckin' kidding me?! How bad is this woman at murdering children?!

Cam: I'd have gotten at least six or seven incidentally by then!

I've killed more kids than none with my bike! And I wasn't even trying.

Graham: How do you celebrate your child's primary school end of year awards day? By arguing with other parents over parking spaces outside. How do you argue over parking spaces Johannesburg style? With a shooting that leaves three injured.

Kathleen: I always thought Die Antwoord were exaggerating in their videos, but... Jo'burg be messed up.

Cam: Don't you never stop your car in Jo'burg? Isn't parking inherently dangerous there?

Kathleen: Apparently so, I mean this person's parking in a school and they're running into gangs of children with guns?! What are they learning there?!

Cam: Marksmanship.

Graham: No, the CHILDREN didn't have the guns, the PARENTS did.

Kathleen: Stop crushing my dreams, Graham.

Graham: A scientist from Idaho, but not a scientist scientist, the kind of "scientist" that believes in Bigfoot scientist, is going to prove the existence of Bigfoot in the best way possible: by flying a blimp over the forest.

Cam: Honestly, that's only a five or six on my list of top ways to prove the existence of Bigfoot.

Graham: Well, I guess it's time for another instalment of Super Effective.

{TITLE: I WANNA BE A LITTLE BIT BETTER CAUSE YOUR IDEA IS DUMB SUPER EFFECTIVE/POKEMON! OH. S- SUPER EFFECTIVE}

Kathleen: Take a Pyrenees, teach it to walk on its hind legs, slap a coconut bra on that thing, and send it into the woods. Super effective.

Cam: Forest fire.

Kathleen: Just find the dude on facebook and then nab him when he checks into places because that stupid notification's really hard to turn off on the mobile app.

Cam: Really? His facebook account?

Kathleen: He's a top-notch mythological creature! Of course he has a facebook account! He's not some stupid knock-off mythos thing, like the Ogopogo.

Cam: You know, Ogopogo's mayor of Kelowna on Foursquare.

Graham: {CHECKING IPHONE} How does he check in every day?!

Cam: But seriously if you could capture Bigfoot and sequence his genome... say it with me now, Bigfoot McNuggets. I would eat that, and I'm a vegetarian.

Graham: Well we've got to wrap this thing up and get busing on Friday, so until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON HANAR HAT} this hat. And this one thinks that this hat is pretty awesome. This one also wants {POINTS AT THE SCREEN} THOSE ones to know that they can win this hat by watching Desert Bus, amongst many many other awesome prizes. This one signing off.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Graham: {WEARING HANAR HAT} This one also wants to point out that {POINTING AT HAT} this one is signed by a bunch of those ones at Bioware. Just for added value.