Bald Men Hotspots Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Bald Men Hotspots

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: What it is, party people in the place to be? I gotta sick need to dump a feed! Welcome to Feed Dump. I am of course, MC-ing, joining me this week, two of the other elements of hip-hop, DJ-ing,

Kathleen: {MIMING DJ-ING} I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!

Graham: And graffiti.

Alex: CARCINOGENS FOR AAALL!

Graham: Break-dancing was not available. But! We're still going to bust out some cool moves!

{TITLE: BUST SOME COOL MOVES/NEWS}

Graham: When Fiona McLaren took a painting that had been kicking around in her Scottish farmhouse for many years to an appraiser, she did not expect it to be a Da Vinci original, which it probably is.

Kathleen: Man, the only originals that have been kicking around my house for years are mine, and that means they're worthless.

Alex: {IN ITALIAN ACCENT} That's a spicy renaissance painting!

Kathleen: No no, she's Scottish, it's like {IN BAD SCOTTISH BROGUE} ACH! That's a spicy haggisy renaissance meatball! I don't... I'm trying to mash the two accents together it's not working.

{PAN TO ALEX}

Alex: I thought the whole point of haggis is that it's really bland and tasteless.

{PAN TO KATHLEEN}

Kathleen: {PAUSES, THINKING} {IN BAD SCOTTISH BROGUE} That is an unusually hot renaissance painting!

Graham: A survey of fifty online dating sites has made a top ten list of the best hotspots in the US for bald men.

Alex: When you said hotspots I thought you meant like focal points on their actual noggin.

Kathleen: Wait, to find bald men, or to be a bald guy trying to date? 'Cause these are different, right?

Graham: Kind of both? It's like, if you were a bald guy and you wanted to find a date, these would be the most receptive places to... bald dating.

Bating? No, that's something totally different. We should try and guess them. The top ten.

Kathleen: I think one of the top ten spots is going to be Chicago, 'cause it's the windy city, and being in the wind always messes up my hair, but if I was bald, then that wouldn't be a problem for me! Seems like a natural bald hotspot!

Alex: Philadelphia. Chrome domes and cheese steak.

Kathleen: Los Angeles. You know, hair is very insulating, keeps your head warm. There you don't have to worry about it.

Alex: Houston, Texas, where they have makeup to make your head look the moon.

Kathleen: Ooh! Alaska! Everybody's always wearing toques so you can't even tell somebody's bald!

Alex: Florida, 'cause goddammit there's a hotspot for everything in Florida.

Graham: I'm very impressed. On the list: Chicago,

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Woo!

Graham: Houston,

Alex: {OFFSCREEN} What?!

Graham: and two locations in Florida!

{CUT TO SHOT OF ALEX AND KATHLEEN ON THE COUCH. THEY HIGH FIVE}

Alex: Whatchaaa!

Graham: Running quickly down the list: Ft. Lauderdale, Florida; New York; Phoenix, Arizona; Minneapolis; San Diego, close to LA, no cigar; Brooklyn; Chicago; Houston; Tuscon; and Tampa, Florida.

Kathleen: Having been to Brooklyn, and having many friends that live there, that makes a lot of sense. Because if you are like, a hipster, and you are, if you live in Brooklyn, and you start going bald, the only option to you is completely shave your head. Like, n-it's either like, full lustrous head of hair, gigantic beard, or no hair, and gigantic beard.

Alex: Some people just go gigantic beard and no other body parts.

Alex: {HOLDING A GLASS OF WATER} A disembodied beard, wrapped around a PBR.

Kathleen: That's how hipsters hide most of their flaws, actually. It's like, got a cut on your leg? Don't try to heal that up, it'll look gross. Just amputate it, grow an enormous beard.

Alex: From the stump.

Graham: A thirty-one year old Russian mogul, scientist, and possible madman has laid out a course to make humans immortal by 2045.

Kathleen: Uh uh uh, correction: rich INSANE humans.

Graham: His plan, which sounds like it would make a sweet movie, is four levels of Avatar, that they're working on making over the next forty-five years, I guess. Between 2015 and 2020, a robotic copy of a human body controlled remotely. Between 2020 and 2025 an avatar in which a human brain is transplanted at the end of one's life, between 2030 and 35, an avatar with an artificial brain in which a human's personality is transferred at the end of one's life, and then between 2040 and 45, a hologram with your personality in it.

Kathleen: OK, so the technological progression here is Surrogates, Ghost in the Shell, Star Trek the Next Generation, and then Red Dwarf?! Why are they capping out at Red Dwarf?! Who looks at Rimmer and says, "yes! That's what I wanna be!"

Alex: Yeah, that last one just sounds like a straight downgrade, for smegheads.

Kathleen: I am for sure making fun of this because this is the plot of a madman and it sounds like a movie, but if by sheer chance this works and by the time I end up dying, I can have the option to put myself into a robot body and kick tons of ass like Motoko Kusanagi?! My descendants, relatives, future people of the internet! {BANGING ON TABLE} PUT ME IN A ROBOT BODY! I WANT ONE SO BAD!

Alex: Maybe I'll stick with the hologram, just so she doesn't punch me.

Graham: Do you want to live in New York? Do you want to live in a fabulous eight thousand square foot penthouse apartment in New York? Do you have a hundred million dollars? We can work something out.

Alex: Sorry, a hundred million?

Graham: On the upside, uh, {READING FROM IPAD} the apartment has the high terraces in the city, and it occupies the seventy-third through the seventy-fifth floors of its building, so you get a three story apartment that wraps the whole building, so that's nice. On the downside, the monthly maintenance fee is eighty-six hundred dollars, and the yearly property taxes is a hundred and thirty thousand.

You spend a hundred million dollars to buy this place, and you're still paying eighty-six hundred in basically rent.

Kathleen: And let's not even talk about the strata fee. I bet that is actually pricing people out of the market.

Alex: Strata fees in this case referring to the stratosphere into which those fees are entering.

Graham: It's got six bedrooms, nine bathrooms for extravagant poops, an internal elevator, and a wine cellar that can hold a thousand bottles.

Kathleen: Only a thousand bottles?! Pff! What am I, nouveau riche? Eeugh.

Graham: And now I'm going to stop thinking about Marmite. So until next time, remember, there may be better sources for news, but! They don't have {PUTS ON BLUE PARTY HAT WITH YELLOW AND PURPLE FEATHER} this hat, which makes me look like one of the children from A Small World grew up and got kicked out of the job. {DEJECTED} The world's not so small! Stupid song. {MIMES ROBOT MOVEMENTS} I hate this job.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Graham: Feed Dump previously reported on a worldwide Marmite shortage.

The "Marmageddon," as twitter would call it, is a result of an earthquake in Christchurch affecting the sanitarium factory where Marmite is produced.

Kathleen: Wait, the place that makes Marmite is called the sanitarium? IT EXPLAINS SO MUCH!