BUT WHY LISTEN TO MAN?! Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- BUT WHY LISTEN TO MAN?!

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Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump where, this week, we are "topics that are trending at time of recording". I am "#RemoveALetterSpoilABook", featuring such classics as "The DaVinci Cod" and "Here's Waldo". Joining me this week is "Joe Buden"...

Ian: Presumably, I am the Rastafarian universe version of the United States Vice-President.

Graham: ...and "#BeSomebodyTrailer".

Ash: I haven't even seen the trailer and I already know I don't want to see the movie.

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Graham: A man in Massachusetts has pled guilty to kidnapping for locking an on-site Verizon tech in an underground, unventilated vault.

Ash: {LOOKING DIABOLICAL} Yes, keep screaming! I can hear you now! Good!

Ian: Your tech is very important to us. And, to preserve his place in life, HOOK UP MY GODDAMN FIOS!

Ash: For real, though, what were the motives here? 'Cause I can't really think of an internet tech help problem that would warrant locking someone in a basement.

Graham: Oh, that's easy: the tech wasn't even here to service this guy's stuff. But he DID park on his grass.

Ash: Oh! Well, then,...move over, Jack the Ripper; we found history's greatest monster!

Ian: Well, hold up. There is ONE person in the world who DOES have the authority to lock up anyone who goes onto his lawn. And that man's name...is Barack Obama.

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} I did say "Massachusetts"...

Ian: You DID say "Massachusetts"...dammit.

Ash: Still doesn't answer the question of how he GOT there. I mean, he presumably HAD the address of the house that he was really going to, right?

Ian: Moreover, what sort of "Scooby Snax" do you need to lure a Verizon tech into a house that he's not even supposed to work at?

Ash: I'm picturing a candy trail of Red Bull and "vape pens".

Ian: Was it the promise of artesinal home-brew Mountain Dew Code Red?

Ash: I mean, I did hear stories about tech support people crashing on people's couches. Maybe there was just a sign that says, like, "Free Extraordinarily Comfy Couch Down This Way!"

Ian: Or did the captor lure him inside by disguising himself in one of those anime body pillows...but, instead of a "top-tier wifu" on the outside, it said, "Self-Respect".

Ash: Or, maybe there was a sign that said, like, "Free Bird Seed".

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Ash, you're just doing the Road-Runner now.

Ash: I know, Graham. I'm running out of ideas. Just TELL us.

Graham: OK, so the tech was IN this underground vault because that IS where he was supposed to be to be doing the work. It just didn't belong to THIS guy who came along, pulled out the ladder, closed the hatch and then piled heavy rocks on top of it...which is pretty impressive for a 73-year-old.

Ash: Oh, man, that would make a great horror movie. They could just call it "Tech Support", but with, like, bleeding letters on the cover.

Ian: At 73 years old, this story SEEMS a little suspect. But if that guy is keeping his lawn immaculate enough that he needs to protect it by burying a guy alive, he's probably jacked!

Ash: I think all of us are going to take it a little bit more seriously when an old person says, "Get off my lawn!" Oh, my God, that's the tagline to the movie!

Graham: Speaking of lawns, in the UK,...

Ian: {OFF-SCREEN} De-de-de-de-de-de-de...how did he get out?

Graham: He...he had his cell phone. He phoned the police.

Ian: {OFF-SCREEN} Ri-i-i-ight. Verizon.

Graham: Yeah. In the UK, this past Sunday marks the start of the May-to-October lawn mower racing season.

Ian: There's an entire lawn mower racing SEASON?! It's not like, just, one novelty event?!

Ash: I'm going to assume that lawn mower racing season is...spring. When things...grow...from the ground...that you need to cut.

Ian: It could be summer. I mean, they needed time to practice.

Ash: I wanna make fun of this really badly. But I also found out that there's "competitive vaping" so...this seems pretty normal.

Ian: Oh, great! We're just making sports out of anything now! Well, come on down to the first annual Artistic-Opening-of-Venetian-Blinds...Competition...Grand-Prix...Tour...of the Stars.

Graham: According to Dean Fuller, current British champion, {READS FROM iPHONE} "it's not like racing in a car; you gotta learn how to lean, how to brake, different types of surfaces...so it really does take three to four years before you get the hang of it."

Ash: What other surfaces?!? It's LAWNS!! It's literally in the title of the sport!!

Ian: No, no. I'm starting to understand the purpose of the sport now. It's just like real car racing where Toyota and Honda get to debut new and exciting technologies in the world of...lawn mowers. Also, Surrey is basically the Nurburgring of lawns.

Graham: A man has pled "not guilty" to forcing an Alaska Air Lines flight to divert and make an emergency landing because they wouldn't give him a beer.

Ian: Story checks out. If you can't get a beer ON the plane, you just have to get OFF the plane. Kindly land the plane.

Ash: I really, really want to make a joke but I have oh so many questions. {COUNTS THEM OFF ON FINGERS} Why couldn't he get a beer? What did he do to make them land the plane? Why did they LISTEN to crazy man who wants beer?

Ian: How many beers had he had already? This seems like something you'd do if you've already had multiple beers? Were they OUT of beer?

Ash: I mean, being out of beer on a really long flight DOES constitute an emergency. Pretty sure that's in the FAA regulations.

Graham: This wasn't even THAT long of a flight, really; it was from Sacramento, California to Seattle, Washington. And they were forced to land in Portland. Which, I mean, if you're looking for beer, {SHRUGS} there's worse places to have to land.

Ian: It's a slogan that the Portland Micro-brewers Association is just gonna have to run with: "Emergency Land Here For Beer".

Ash: But WHY did they listen to crazy man who want beer?!

Ian: {TO ASH} I mean, have you TRIED some of the stuff in Portland? It's probably better than what Alaska's serving.

Graham: I'll tell you why they listened to him. Because him wanting beer is the only part of this that makes him seem like an adult. Because, upon not being SERVED a beer, he locked himself in the bathroom and screamed and pounded the door. And (bonus) demanded hugs from the flight attendants.

Ian: You know, young man, locking yourself in the bathroom and having a little tantrum is a good way to keep yourself from getting your pilot wings or tour of the cockpit, too.

Ash: And we're absolutely sure that this guy isn't three children on top of one another in a trench coat?

Ian: Well, that would explain how he was able to put away an entire 737's supply of beer.

Graham: Well, now, I don't know about you but I want to grab a beer, hop on a lawn mower and trap a Verizon guy in the basement. So, until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news but they don't have...{PUTS ON A CAP WITH A BAT FACE AND WINGS ON IT}...THIS hat...which, uh, obviously,...clearly indicates my undying devotion to the fandom of "Batboy"...who, uh, y'know, he used to be on all the National Enquirer covers. Um, now, it's all just, uh, talking about how Prince was murdered by the Men In Black and how Trump is a lizard man. I mean, one of which is TRUE, but, still, um,...Batboy all the way! I'd vote HIM for President.

Ash: {OFF-SCREEN} I heard he got married.

Graham: Really?! To who?

Ash: I don't know but it was one of the covers.

Graham: Good for Batboy!

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Ian: You know, young man, locking yourself in the bathroom and having a tantrum like that is a great way not to get your pilot wings or get to see the pilot's room...which I believe is called a cockpit. {BREAKS DOWN LAUGHING AT HIS GAFF}

Graham & Ian: {TOGETHER} "The pilot's room"!

Ash: {OFF-SCREEN} Where we keep the pilot.

{EVERYONE LAUGHS}