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Antique sales is a tough business.

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Date: August 18, 2014

Category: Shorts

Appearing: Brendan "Beej" Dery and Paul Saunders (uncredited)

Writing: Paul Saunders

Camera: Graham Stark, James Turner

Editing: Graham Stark

Executive Producers: Andrew "Omega Lairon" Paye, Rachel Bradford and Christian "Imat" Johnson


The video consists of a series of advertisements given by Robert Riley (Beej), the owner of a newly opened antique store, as its business tactics deteriorate in the face of low customer interest.

  • In the first advertisement, soundtracked by classical music, Riley has just opened his shop, called "Riley's Antiques and Rarities Emporium". He is wearing a three-piece suit and speaks cheerfully and gently. The store features a tearoom and free consultations with on-site designers, functioning almost more like a museum than a store. Fairbanks Antiques, across the street, is described as "our dear friends." The slogan is "A Friendly Smile and Beautiful Historic Finds for Your Home."
  • In the second advertisement, soundtracked by generic, cheerful stock music, Riley is still smiling, though he has removed his jacket and vest and the store is now named "Riley's Antiques Showroom and Sales Center". The advertisement focuses heavily on the fact that Riley's business is, in fact, a store. There are now only two designers, and they charge a "very reasonable fee." The map shows that a GAP and a Pottery Barn have moved in on the street where the store is located. Instead of a tearoom, the store brews "genuine Starbucks coffee." The slogan is "Rare antiques and Unique Items, buy them today!"
  • The third advertisement, this time for "Rob's Discount Antique Warehouse", is country/western themed; Riley is in a cowboy had and sport coat, and emphasizes the quantity of deals and discounts available on the weekend of the grand re-opening. The last remaining designer charges 59.99 for consultation; instead of Starbucks, a free Monster energy drink is offered as an incentive for the first 150 customers through the door. A noticeable difference from the previous two, the ad features heavy use of animated text and reverberation effects. The map now notates a PinkBerry frozen yogurt chain across the street, but Fairbanks Antiques is not on the map; the first reference is to "our competitors", who are reportedly spreading rumors that the store does not sell genuine rarities. At the end of the advertisement, a discount is offered for bringing in evidence of breaking an item sold at Fairbanks.
  • The final segment could barely be described as an advertisement; Riley is now only in his shirt, there is no soundtrack, and the store is now named "Riley's Pile of Old Crap". He uses expletives, accidentally swipes at his mic, and is clearly furious, possibly even intoxicated. He is selling every object for $10. The final designer walked out for a job at Fairbanks. The map is hand-drawn, and he insults anyone who cannot find their way there based on it.

The stinger reveals that Riley's designer had been living with him before he quit the job; taken with other points in the script, it is suggested that the two were also romantically involved.


  • Production Error: In the first segment, Riley claims that his shop is named "Riley's Antiques and Rarities Emporium", though the map says "Riley's Antiques and Rarities Showroom".
  • The glass bottle that Riley is holding in the final segment is the same one used in Snake Oil.
Season Eleven     Shorts

◀ ●∙∙∙Punchr     Ways to Avoid Surveillance ∙∙∙● ▶
Watch Antiquing on LRR     Discuss Antiquing on LRR
Watch Antiquing on the Escapist     Discuss Antiquing on the Escapist