An Obsolete Obelisk Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- An Obsolete Obelisk

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: {WEARING BLACK TOQUE FOR LENGTH OF EPISODE} Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, we are all "things that Samsung makes that might explode". I'm, of course, the "exploding cell phone which you are no prohibited from taking on airplanes". Joining me this week is "washing machines"...

Cameron: Sure, they just more shake themselves apart than actually explode in flame, but momentum is conserved.

Kathleen: ...and "area denial submunitions".

Alex: We were in the airstrip and the people trying to repair it.

{TITLE: TWO OUT OF THREE OF THOSE EXPLODE}

Kathleen: Authorities in France are baffled after a man walked into a Apple Store and then calmly smashed every phone and iPad on display with a metal {SHOT OF METAL BALLS} "petanque" ball {SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: "THEY LOOK LIKE THIS"}

Alex: Heh...baller.

Cameron: {IN BAD FRENCH ACCENT} Ah, yes, you stupid Americans with your transient electronic devices. Do you not know that the petanque will take us all in the end?

Alex: I guess bustin' makes him feel good.

{CLIP OF A REMIX OF RAY PARKER, JR's "GHOSTBUSTERS"}

Cameron: There's probably a "Napoleon, King of the Battlefield" joke here to do with a cannonball but...arsed if I'm gonna make it.

Kathleen: So while he was going on his little smashing spree, our suspect was ranting in French about the service he had received from Apple and how he found it unsatisfactory (I mean, if you're satisfied, you're probably NOT going to destroy every floor model in the store, but that's another story). {VIDEO OF MAN IN STORE} He was also wearing one cream glove while he did it.

Cameron: The "one cream glove" piece of "sprits etoure"(?) is really more of an Italian thing than French.

Alex: Huh...we're rapidly moving from "crackpot" into "art installation" territory.

Cameron: At least I'm sure that's what his lawyers will say.

Kathleen: Engaging the youth in the democratic process is always kind of a challenge in democracies like Canada. The Canadian government has fallen ass-backwards into the one thing that will get men - specifically between the ages of 18 and 34 - giving their feedback: legalizing marijuana.

Cameron: News being that white men are excited about having even MORE legal liberties.

Alex: Vote green every day.

Cameron: Really looking forward to when they pass "Bill C-420".

Kathleen: According to Dr. Mark Ware, the Vice-Chair of Canada's Marijuana Legalization Taskforce, they had 28,000 responses to the legalization survey that they put up online. {READS FROM iPHONE} "80% of respondents were cannibus users", "73% were male", "64% were between 18 and 34" and 8% were totally into dank nugs.

Alex: 15% of respondents had one of those Pink Floyd glow-in-the-dark posters.

Cameron: 75% of respondents claimed to love rap but, in fact, only listened to the last ten seconds of "The Next Episode" over...and over...and over again. {SAID "LAST TEN SECONDS" PLAYS IN BACKGROUND}

Alex: 92% of respondents reported that they had said "irie" un-ironically...and inappropriately.

Kathleen: So this online survey - which, I remind you, 28,000 people filled out - was not just like a series of, like, y'know, "I feel strongly about legalizing" or "I feel strongly that we shouldn't" or "where it should be sold". It was an essay-style thing where you could write up to a 1500-word response about what you thought of all this and your suggestions. And I know that there's nothing more that I wanna read than 28,000 1500-word-long screeds by stoned people! That sounds great! They hired a COMPANY to look at them.

Alex: Those poor, poor people.

Cameron: So not only everyone involved in the PRODUCTION of these essays was stoned, but now everyone involved in their ANALYSIS will also NEED to be stoned!

Alex: {PRETENDING TO READ ONE OF THE ESSAYS} "Yeah, but, like, y'know, it's basically because, sort of, y'know, y'know? Because, like, it, y'know, sorta is but, y'know, it is. It is, y'know....y'know?"

Kathleen: {ALSO PRETENDING AS ONE OF THE READERS} Ah, excuse me, sir...where is the pile for essays about why "Flamin' Hot Cheetos" are better than "All Dressed Chips"?

Cameron: {DITTO, TALKING FAST} "OK, so, first off, the hippies will love it because it's organic and totally recyclable and green. And then government will love it because they can tax it. And then business will love it because they can create jobs. And d..." Wait, this one's about cocaine!

Kathleen: A local watering hole named Hansen's Bar {MAP POINTING OUT WHERE THE BAR IS} in Robinson, North Dakota has scooped the trademark for "Geographical Center of North America" from a nearby town called Rugby {TOWN SHOWN ON MAP AS WEKK} because Rugby had accidentally let it lapse {BACK TO KATHLEEN} so they took it. And now the people of Rugby are annoyed. It's a big feud.

Alex: No, Kathleen, we're doing Feed Dump, not Qwirpline.

Cameron: Robinson is about 85 miles north {BRIEF SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: "IT'S ACTUALLY 85 MILES SOUTH"} of Rugby, which is, like, 140 kilometers. That's an awfully large error bar for something as precise as the geographical center of North America. Have we lost THAT much Arctic ice?!

Kathleen: Well, Cameron, that's actually a very interesting question. Because patrons of the bar say that their town should be the center because of the melting ice caps. But keep in mind {READS FROM iPHONE} that how they decided on the geographical center of North America was, 90 years ago, "a Federal mathematician stuck a pin in a cardboard map of the continent and recorded the coordinates of where it balanced on his finger." This is not exactly scientific to begin with.

Cameron: Well, luckily, the Mercator projection of North America is 100% accurate and cardboard is a notoriously homogeneous substance.

Kathleen: For those of you unaware, Cameron was being sarcastic.

Alex: {IN NERDY VOICE, TO KATHLEEN} Well, actually, I think he was being facetious.

Kathleen: In case you were wondering, Alex was being 100% a shit. This has been your "Feed Dump Sarcasm Guide".

Alex: What the hell were we talking about just now?!

Cameron: Something stupid and irrelevant that's fighting to take up neurons in my brain.

Alex: {SARCASTICALLY} Well, THAT's a switch!

Kathleen: It's not irrelevant to the people of Rugby, North Dakota; they have a twenty-one-foot-tall obelisk in the center of their town DECLARING them the "Geographical Center of North America". And now they'll have to tear it down, I guess.

Alex: They can re-purpose that obelisk. What else could they be known for?

Cameron: Well, they're already known for letting trademarks lapse.

Kathleen: Hmm, a cautionary tale for the ages. And, on that sad note, unfortunately we must call this episode of Feed Dump to a close. But, remember: there may be better sources of news, but they don't have...{DONS ORANGE "BEANIE BOPPERS" ON TOP OF HER BLACK TOQUE}...THIS hat, which is not, in fact, a hat; it is a "diadem croon" or some sort of, like, Netherlands thing. I mean, it's MADE in China but it's FOR the Netherlands. And it fits over the hat I'm currently wearing. They don't have this DOUBLE hat.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Cameron: The "Magneto Teabag".