A Frank Exchange of Views Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- A Frank Exchange of Views

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump. Fall wears on and it's the season of debates...in one country in particular and the rest of the world cannot get away from it...even though, for the love of God, please just let November be OVER already!! But, y'know what? There's other debates happening, too. Such as me: I'm "My dad can beat up your dad!". Joining me this week is "Guy who wants to get off a bus after his stop has gone by"...

{SHOT OF SERGE AND BEEJ, BEEJ PRETENDING TO BE DRIVING AFOREMENTIONED BUS}

Serge: You just missed my stop!

Beej: No, sir, the light didn't go on.

Serge: I pulled the cord!

Beej: No, but, the light didn't go on and I didn't hear the bell.

Serge: Can't you just pull over now?

Beej: No, I can't 'cause I can't stop where there's no stop.

Serge: But I pulled the cord! You missed my stop!

Beej: Can you...can you please just go sit down?!

Serge: There's nowhere to sit!!

Beej: Sir, I need you to sit!

Kathleen: ...and "No, sir, you really didn't ask for ketchup on your burger".

{BACK TO SERGE AND BEEJ}

Beej: Why isn't there any ketchup on my burger?

Serge: You didn't ASK for ketchup.

Beej: Why didn't you just PUT ketchup on the burger? Just KNOW that I wanted ketchup?

Serge: The menu says there's no ketchup on the burger.

Beej: But EVERYONE puts ketchup on a burger!

Serge: I can get you a SIDE of ketchup...

Beej: No, I want this remade with ketchup ON it!

Serge: Are you serious?!

{TITLE: I HAVE SEEN BOTH OF THESE IRL}

Kathleen: Everybody love tattoos but, gosh, why does etching something permanently on your body happen to be so darned expensive?! If you want a FREE tattoo, famed tattoo artist Scott Campbell is giving them out next week in London. The catch is you just put your arm through a hole and then you get what you get.

Beej: You'll probably end up with just a dick. Or the Chinese word for "dick". Or the Chinese words for "just a dick".

Serge: What do you think's gonna happen when you just stick an appendage in a public hole?

Beej: {SMILING} Something "glorious".

Kathleen: {TO BEEJ} Oh, no, Scott Campbell is WAY ahead of you. The name of this instillation art project is..."Whole Glory". {DRUM RIMSHOT}

Serge: At least this artist has it right. I mean, what are artists THINKING, charging for their work? I mean, they should just be doing it for exposure.

Beej: Or for the love of the craft. {SWEEPS HAND ACROSS BOTTOM OF SCREEN, REVEALING "www.Patreon.com/LoadingReadyRun"}

Kathleen: {DURING SLIDESHOW OF SOME OF CAMPBELL'S PREVIOUS WORK} As you can see from Scott Campbell's Instagram, some of these tattoos that he's done are pretty great...and some of them...are a Willie Nelson Skull with the word "TRUST" on a bandana. {BACK TO SHOT OF KATHLEEN} Yeah, I'd sure be thrilled to get THAT one.

Beej: No, no, this format has possibilities. I can think of all sorts of things in my NORMAL line of work that I would LOVE to use a "glory hole" for. Just bring a computer to the office, hand it over and trust that I won't smash it into a thousand bits 'cause you're an idiot.

Kathleen: {TO BEEJ} How is that different from normal tech support?

Beej: I don't work at "Geek Squad" anymore.

Kathleen: Even children don't REALLY want to go to Chuck E. Cheese, but I certainly don't want to go to a Chuck E. Cheese in Miami after a ten-minute long brawl broke out because somebody looked at somebody else "funny", and then that that devolved into pushing, screaming and hair-pulling.

Beej: Ten minutes?! At what point do the adults get involved?

Serge: It...WAS the adults.

Beej: My dad can beat up YOUR dad!

Serge: Nut-uh!

Beej: Uh-huh!

Serge: Nut-uh!

Beej: Uh-huh!

Serge: Nut-uh!

Beej: Uh-huh!

Serge: Nut-uh!

Beej: Uh-huh!

Serge: Nut-uh!

Beej: Uh-huh!

Serge: Nut-uh!

Beej: Uh-huh!

Serge: Nut-uh!

Beej: Uh-huh!

Serge: Nut-uh!

Beej: WATCH! GET 'IM, DAD!!

Kathleen: I can understand why tensions run high at a Chuck E. Cheese. The soundtrack is the most grating pop hits of the early 2000s, it's ninety dollars to throw a pizza party for your kids and what you get is cardboard draped in grease and Skee-ball scum, and there's a mascot that smells suspiciously like urine trying to hit on your wife.

Beej: There's no real punchline there. It's just...pretty much everyone's experience at Chuck E. Cheese.

Serge: That's so weird. As a kid, I went to Chuck E. Cheese and it was great!

Beej: Aw, LUCKY! I never got to go!

Serge: That's because my dad is the best.

Beej: Nut-uh!

Serge: Yuh-huh!

Beej: Nut-uh!

Serge: Yuh-huh!

Beej: Nut-uh!

Serge: Yuh-huh!

Beej: Nut-uh!

Serge: Yuh-huh!

{BRIEF TEST PATTERN STOPS THE MADNESS}

Kathleen: A Cincinnati woman has been charged with "making a false alarm" after she lied and said she was late to work because a "scary clown" attacked her.

Beej: Kathleen, I don't know why you felt the need to append the word "scary" before "clown"; it's self-evident.

Serge: I just love the back-and-forth that went through this person's mind. It's, like, their boss goes up...{CROSSES ARMS AND ACTS LIKE SAID BOSS} "Why were you late today?"

Beej: {ACTING LIKE WOMAN} I-I-I-I was accosted by-y-y-y a scary clown.

Serge: Really? A "scary clown"?

Beej: I meant to say it was a giant murderous dog.

Serge: A "giant murderous dog"? What breed?!

Beej: I found a body!

Serge: A body...did you call the police?

Beej: No, because then I was almost hit by an evil Cadillac?!

Serge: I don't believe you!

Beej: The Langoliers! {BRIEF SCREENSHOT OF AN EPISODE OF "THE LANGOLIERS" FOLLOWED BY A BRIEF TEST PATTERN}

OK, Feed Dump, but join me on "the real" here. clowns are no longer necessary, right? I mean, we haven't needed any of those since, like, the 1600s to, like, tell the king that he's doing something wrong but do it in a funny way?

Serge: Beej, those are "jesters".

Beej: Serge, {STICKS TWO MIDDLE FINGERS UP AT HIM} THESE are "gestures".

{QUICK SHOT OF A SHOCK AND HURT SERGE}

Beej: Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! {PUTS FINGERS IN HIS MOUTH}

Kathleen: Hmm, whoa. Beej, Beej, Beej. You better holster those weapons of mass destruction. And I would like to extend a heartfelt apology to our advertisers for such a horrible display on the show. Or I would if we had any advertisers but we don't because we do this for the love of the craft. {BEEJ'S HAND COMES ON-CAMERA AND SWEEPS ALONG THE BOTTOM HALF, REVEALING "www.Patreon.com/LoadingReadyRun" AGAIN} And, remember: there may be better sources of news, but they're beholden to big corporate interests...and they don't have THIS hat...{DONS FURRY GREEN HAT}...which we got from "Bowman". It is green and small...much like my bank balance. {"www.Patreon.com/LoadingReadyRun" POPS UP AGAIN JUST BEFORE...}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Serge: Art: like in life, you get what you pay for...

{BEHIND THE CAMERA, PENELOPE STARTS TO MAKE CUTE NOISES}

Graham: OFF-SCREEN Oh, sorry.

Serge: No, that's OK.

Graham: OFF-SCREEN Don't...don't wait. If she continues making noise, I'll take her out. {TO PENELOPE} You gotta be quiet...shhh.

{ALL IS QUIET}

Serge: Art...

{PENELOPE MAKES CUTE NOISES AGAIN, SERGE BREAKS INTO CHUCKLES}

Graham: OFF-SCREEN Okay...