A Dildo Full of Ashes Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- A Dildo Full of Ashes

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where this week, we are unfortunate byproducts of things we love. I am "I Made a Hairball", a new art installation in five pieces. Joining me this week is nuclear winter,

Cam: Now, did I say nukes? I really meant a neutron bomb that leaves only books and cappuccinos.

Kathleen: And unfortunate Japanese airport restrictions.

Ian: {SCROLLING DOWN iPHONE} Some of these are awfully specific.

{TITLE: CHLOROFORM IS RIGHT OUT! (Look it up!)}

Kathleen: Losing a loved one can be a difficult and traumatic experience. It can also be hard, thanks to a new product from designer Mark Sturkenboom: an urn shaped like a dildo for your loved one's ashes.

Cam: I'm going to have to come up with a new euphemism for disrespecting the dead after we've actually developed a way to literally fuck them.

{SHOT OF IAN AND CAM}

Ian: So given an urn is just an inert vessel, do-do you have to fill it with dead people or can you put other things inside?

Cam: Like pickled carrots?

Ian: Spiders?

Cam: ...Preserves?

Ian: Ooh, jam!

Kathleen: Now this solemn reminder of the good times you had isn't just a dildo kit. You also get a memory box, a necklace-

Cam: A pearl necklace?

Kathleen: A scent diffuser, a music system and a more traditional gold urn for... when relatives come over, I guess.

Ian: So what do you need the urn for? Is it a stand for the dildo? Does it slide in and kind of hide itself or just vibrate for a while?

Cam: Or do you just transfer the ashes from the dildo to the urn and then back, or is there like a baggy system where you pull it out of the dildo and put it in the urn?

Ian: Like some sort of dildo-based Towers of Hanoi.

Cam: Is there really a market for this? After all, every urn is already a dildo if you try hard enough.

Ian: Much like, with a few simple modifications, any dildo can become an urn.

Cam: I feel compelled here to point out that a cremated human body is still quite large and you're only getting a small scoop of it into a dildo. So, I mean depending on volume, and the rest is just like blown out the smokestack or used in filters with some coffee and... I mean, I imagine it's still relatively high in nitrates so it goes into a garden somewhere. So what are you getting really?

Kathleen: The satisfaction of having your loved one inside you again... I guess?

Cam: Does it have to be a loved one? Could we get anyone?

Ian: From what I understand about crematoriums, it's almost certainly guaranteed.

Kathleen: A Californian man's burglary plans went awry when instead of getting inside and doing a crime, he decided he'd just rather eat a big old plate of tater tots and then fall asleep on the couch. He was found and arrested.

Ian: How old was this man?

Kathleen: Uh, forty-four. Why?

Ian: When I was in university, I was sitting on my couch in residence, and a man just walked through my door with a plate of chicken wings, stared at me, looked around the room and left. Given this man's age, he could be the same man!

Kathleen: So what you're telling me was that he was a... WING man?

Ian: Seems to me we've got a real Goldilocks situation here. He went to the first house, but the tots were too hot. He went to the second house, but those tots were still frozen. But he went to the third house and the tots were just right.

Cam: And then the police came and took him to prison where he met Goldilocks and his Three Bears.

Ian: Maybe this was actually the whole point. Maybe all he wanted was a hot meal, a place to lie down for a bit and catch up with Keeping Up with the Kardasians.

Cam: Wait, Kourtney hasn't broken up with Gul Dukat yet, has she?

Ian: If this sort of thing continues, I'm gonna be hiding all my tater tots inside of an ornate dildo.

Cam: Ooh, I'm really not looking forward to when Kim finds out that the Dominion abandoned the entire Eleventh Order to be massacred by the Klingons.

Kathleen: Thank God for America, land of the free. If after your partner dies and before you shove them into a dildo, you want to have an ornate ridiculous funeral complete with fireworks and exotic dancers and bimbos, that's your right. But not in China, where authorities are cracking down on people who hire exotic dancers to show up at funerals to flaunt their families' wealth.

Ian: Uncle, I love you so much and we are so wealthy that I will hire someone to twerk on your grave.

Cam: Really, this is just another example of families doing things for people in death that they never thought to do for a person who was still alive. Uncle, I would hire someone to twerk on you right now.

{SHOT OF IAN AND CAM HOLDING DOLLARS BILLS. THE SHOT HAS A PINK FILTER OVER IT, AND CLUB MUSIC IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND}

Ian: D'you think this is what Grandma really would have wanted?

Cam: Who? {PAYS DOLLAR BILL}

Kathleen: According to the Chinese Ministry of Culture, hiring entertainers who specialize in... {AIR-QUOTES} "Titty-a-go-go" is both illegal and corrupts social morals. They used the example of a troupe of burlesque dancers who were hired to perform a traditional dance and then took off their clothes at the funeral of an elderly person, and they said "Don't do that."

Cam: Will the despotic regime of Beijing know no bounds on their tyranny?

Ian: {SHRUGS} Welp, there goes a third of Cirque de Soleil's revenue in China this year.

Cam: How are they planning to enforce this? Will the police just start inspecting funerals and decide that if someone has... as a matter of happenstance taken off all their clothes at a funeral, they are in fact a stripper and not just a bereaved family member who's, you know, twerking it? What if they're dancing to a particularly slow and solemn song while they do so? That's a thing that just happens, I swear.

Ian: {DANCING AS HE SINGS} Shawty got low low low low low low low low, lower... lower... lower... {MIMES DIGGING} Spade full of dirt on top... Ashes to ashes.

Kathleen: Well, I can't speak for these dead Chinese people, but I can tell you I don't want strippers at my funeral. I want to keep things solemn and dignified. I just want my friends and family to come together and sing a rousing rendition of Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead because I think that's a good way to remember me. Anyhow, unfortunately much like a life, this Feed Dump must also come to an end. But remember: there may be better sources of news, but they don't have this hat {PUTS ON GRAY AND WHITE FEED DUMP TUQUE} which is a actual Feed Dump tuque made for us by Mara. Look at that, it says Feed Dump, it's got the logo on it, it's very nice, it's perfectly sized for my head and not Graham's, because I am the one true host of Feed Dump until you pry this chair out of my cold dead hands. And if you do remember, Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead. Just think it suits me.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Ian: Can you stick an SD's class D motor in the back of that and shoot it towards the heavens?

Cam: That really has more of a 1950's high science fiction feel to it. I feel like a corpse-stuffed dildo really lends itself more to a Bellardian dystopia.