16 Skulls and a Burning Building Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- 16 Skulls and a Burning Building

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump, where once again {POINTS AT SELF} I am your intrepid host, but we're kind of a mess. In fact, I'm a horde of notions. Joining me this week is, a carpet pile,

Alex: {WEARING AVIATOR SUNGLASSES} SHAAAAAGG! I was a big deal in the 70's.

Kathleen: and an Imogen Heap.

{SHOT OF ALEX AND BEEJ ON THE SOFA. ALEX IS HOLDING A PISTOL.}

{ALEX MIMES FIRING THE PISTOL. BEEJ ACTS OUT BEING SHOT AND FALLING BACKWARDS IN SLOW MOTION. HIDE AND SEEK SONG FROM THE O.C. SOUNDTRACK PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND}

Kathleen: NO! No O.C.'s! Stop it. Bad co-hosts!

{SHOT OF ALEX AND BEEJ ON THE SOFA. BOTH ARE SULKING}

Alex: {SULKILY} He started it!

Beej: {SULKILY} Nyah.

{TITLE: I HEARD THE OC WAS A REALLY COOL SHOW HEY GUISE (SUBTITLE: MAKIN' JOKES FROM 2005 'CAUSE WE'RE AWESOME)}

Kathleen: A British Jaguar owner is upset after what melted part of his car?

Alex: A jaguar.

Beej: Some sort of British volcano?

Alex: {WHISPERS} FIRE JAGUAR!

Beej: Oh! A fire jaguar volcano.

Alex: Which brings us neatly round to James Bond laser beam.

Kathleen: Fantastic guesses, and although neither of you were right, many of your guesses were actually more believable than the answer, which is in fact a half-built skyscraper called the Walkie Talkie.

Alex: I was actually almost right with James Bond laser beam.

Kathleen: The Walkie Talkie, as it is colloquially known, is one of those big glass skyscrapers, right, uh with a highly reflective surface, looks really beautiful and very modern. Problem is, it is quite tall and so it collects sunlight and then reflects it and focuses it onto other things, like that Jaguar which partly melted or the mat in front of the barbershop across the street which caught fire. It's like an evil London magnifying glass.

Beej: I have got some great ideas for the Millennium Eye now.

Alex: I guess the building designers were really into burning ants when they were kids.

Kathleen: {HOLDING WHITE IPHONE} The building is safe, according to the developer, except for about two to three weeks a year, when the sun hits it juuuust right for a couple hours a day and just turns the whole thing into a gigantic death laser. So, what are they gonna do? Well, they've asked Canary Wharf to close three parking spots around it uh 'cause that's gonna do a lot, and they're gonna erect a temporary scaffold screen at street level to minimize the problem. They are however not gonna fix the fact that their building turns into a death laser three weeks out of the year!

Beej: Wait, so the developers were called Land Securities, and I'm pretty sure that's a front for SMERSH, which means someone's gotta have a cat. {MIMES STROKING CAT}

Alex: I have two cats but no death ray.

Kathleen: I also have two cats but no death ray. Should I have gotten a death ray when we got our new cat? Because if so, I am calling that breeder back and demanding my death ray!

Beej: Well, I only have one cat. {LOOKS UP TO CEILING}

Alex: {OFFSCREEN, HUMS JAMES BOND THEME TUNE}

Kathleen: A Russian man in his twenties is in the hospital with non-life threatening injuries after being shot. Why was he shot? Well, he was in line to buy beer. He was not shot over the beer, he was shot because he got into an argument over Kantian philosophy.

{SHOT OF ALEX AND BEEJ ON THE SOFA}

Both: {SINGING THE PHILOSOPHERS SONG FROM MONTY PYTHON} Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable. Heidegger, Heidegger-

Beej: I'm proud of the Russians. Most people in the West get the shit kicked out of them over beer.

Alex: {IN RUSSIAN ACCENT} My friend, let me show you how we do philosophy around here. {COCKS PISTOL}

Beej: Okay, I'm gonna break it down for you here. {READS FROM IPHONE} "Kantian ethics is based on the view that the only intrinsically good thing is a good will. Therefore an action can only be good if its maxim, the principal behind it, is duty to the moral law," and you SHOT someone over this!

Alex: Russians do irony right!

Kathleen: So I've a degree in political science and that means that I had to read an awful lot of philosophy when I was at school, and I liked it, and I liked Kant but it was DENSE. I'm surprised two people understand it well enough to argue about it!

{SHOT OF ALEX AND BEEJ ON THE SOFA}

Alex: {IN RUSSIAN ACCENT} Comrade, bet you "Kant" dodge bullet. {HOLDS UP PISTOL}

{ALEX MIMES FIRING THE PISTOL. BEEJ ACTS OUT BEING SHOT AND FALLING BACKWARDS IN SLOW MOTION. HIDE AND SEEK SONG FROM THE O.C. SOUNDTRACK PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND}

Kathleen: Police in Prague are trying to get aHEAD on a case that is puzzling them. They've found sixteen human skulls on the street.

Beej: Mmmmm, I love Prague in the autumn!

Alex: What, like in a row or in a pile?!

Kathleen: Actually, in a box! Except for one which was found in a garbage can.

Beej: {LAUGHING} Was the box marked "Keep out: Skulls"?

{SHOT OF ALEX AND BEEJ ON THE SOFA. ALEX IS HOLDING A SMALL BOX}

Alex: {HOLDING BOX} What's in the box, Beej?!

Beej: {HOLDING HEAD IN HANDS} I don't know!

Alex: {HOLDING BOX} WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!

Beej: {HOLDING HEAD IN HANDS} I don't know!

Alex: {HOLDING BOX} WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!

Beej: I HOPE IT'S SKULLS!

Alex: {OPENS BOX, PEEKS INSIDE} You are not going to be disappointed.

Beej: {THROWS FISTS IN THE AIR} Yes!!

Kathleen: Now although the skulls in the box were found separately from the skull in the garbage can, the police are pretty sure they're linked because each skull was numbered.

{SHOT OF ALEX AND BEEJ ON THE SOFA. BOTH ARE HOLDING THEIR HEADS IN THEIR HANDS AND SCREAMING IN TERROR}

Both: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Kathleen: Now hold on! I know all of the evidence in this story points to the fact that there's a horrible serial killer on the loose in Prague who's numbering his victims' skulls as some kind of horrible souvenir, but there could be... other factors at work. It could be a collection, from a museum of legitimate things? Um, medical students having a laugh. {BEAT} ...Number spirits?

Alex: A guy with a series of numbered rings that just keeps punching people's heads off?

Beej: Okay, no I th- I got this. It's, it's cryptic but if you take all the skulls and you line them up in order, you'll have a clue and that clue is... A ROW OF SIXTEEN FUCKING SKULLS!

Alex: You know what else you'll have, Beej? A SKULLpture!

Kathleen: Did you seriously just make that pun? {COCKS PISTOL}

{SHOT OF ALEX AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. KATHLEEN IS HOLDING A PISTOL}

{KATHLEEN MIMES FIRING THE PISTOL. ALEX ACTS OUT BEING SHOT AND FALLING BACKWARDS IN SLOW MOTION. HIDE AND SEEK SONG FROM THE O.C. SOUNDTRACK PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND}

Kathleen: {WIPES BROW WITH HAND HOLDING THE PISTOL} Phew! Feed Dump's a lot of work. And on that note, we sadly have to end this horrifying episode. And remember, there may be better sources of news, {PUTS ON BLACK WITCH'S HAT} but they don't have this hat, which I think actually suits me quite well. {HOLDS BRIM OF HAT, WINKS AND CLICKS}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{CAPTION ABOVE PRODUCED BY CREDITS: HIDE AND SEEK BY IMOGEN HEAP Used as parody only. Please don't sue.}

{SHOT OF ALEX AND BEEJ ON THE SOFA}

Both: {SINGING THE PHILOSOPHERS SONG FROM MONTY PYTHON} Immanuel Kamph was a real- {BREAKS, LAUGHING}

Beej: You fucked it up already.

Alex: Damn it!