100% Real Pants Juice Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- 100% Real Pants Juice

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump where, this week, we are "reactions to a blizzard by people who've, apparently, never interacted with snow before". I am "driving like an idiot". Joining me this week is "the Sisyphean shoveling of a front walk"...

Cameron: I suppose digging yourself out with a garden shovel is better than trying to use your leaf blower.

Graham: ...and "stocking up on eggs, milk and bread".

Beej: Because, when my family and I are in an emergency situation, nothing keeps us safer than a BIG STACK OF FRENCH TOAST!

Graham: Well, now, I'm hungry.

{TITLE: PANCAKES RESERVED FOR MORE SERIOUS EMERGENCIES}

Graham: Authorities in Compton have confiscated a pot from a shop that sells spiritual items because it was found to contain a human skull. They have also confiscated either OTHER pots that might ALSO contain human skulls.

Cameron: Or might not!

Beej: You said "Compton" and "pot" and yet the story didn't go in the direction I thought it would.

Cameron: {TO HIMSELF} Don't say it...don't say it...don't say it...don't say it...{GIVES IN}...head shop!

Beej: Why haven't they figured out if the other eight pots have heads in them or not? Because I can think there's a pretty easy way to figure this out!

{AS AUTHORITY, PRETENDING TO HOLD A POT} Oh! well, there's a head in THIS pot. There are eight more pots. {MIMICS GATHERING POTS} Stands to reason...

Cameron: Or maybe there were originally SIXTEEN pots and, since the officers were familiar with the "Schrödinger's cat" thought experiment, they took every OTHER one since it is a stochastic process.

Beej: That implies the other eight pots contain LIVE heads!

Cameron: Well, obviously, that wouldn't be a problem; the only illegality has to do with DECEASED heads in a pot.

Graham: The sheriff's captain says there is no evidence of homicide and it appears that the skulls were purchased legally and used for religious ceremonies.

Cameron: So if it's perfectly legal to traffic in human remains for religious purposes, what give you the right to confiscate them in the first place?!

Beej: If we look at the BIG picture, I've now discovered a new legal way to get rid of a human body!

Cameron: SOME of the body.

Beej: Whatever's LEFT of that body.

Graham: In one of the most British sentences I've said in a while, Principal Kate Chisholm, of Skerne Park Academy in Darlington, wants to impose a new dress code at the school. But NOT on the children. On the children's parents! Because she's sick of them wearing pajamas and slippers when they drop their kids off in the morning.

Beej: "While dropping their kids off"?! Who the hell gets out of their car?!?

Cameron: "Stop"?! Shit, my parents barely slowed down! I had to tuck-and-roll out of the bed of the pick-up!

Beej: You'd think that parents who could afford to send their kids to a place called {FINGER QUOTES} "Skerne Park Academy" wouldn't be sashaying up to the school gates wearing pants that say "JUICY" on the ass.

Cameron: Contents of pants may have already been juiced.

Beej: Oh, I'd be careful. The last time I complained about what my dad wore in front my friends, he came out wearing nothing but a newspaper.

Cameron: To be perfectly fair, "Skerne Park Academy" does sound like the setting of a Roald Dahl novel with a head mistress named after a brand of frying pan.

Graham: The principal said the tipping point for her was parents showing up to school meetings in what she would consider {FINGER QUOTES} "night wear".

Cameron: Look, I get it, right? It's first thing in the morning and you just wanna get your child to school and you don't want to have to deal with putting on real pants or bathing or brushing your teeth. But, to roll up to a PTA meeting like you're there to write your "Sociology 100" exam...{SHIVERS} Get yourself together!

Beej: Whereas if you're showing up to a band boosters meeting like you're ready to perform in Cabaret, I'm all for it. {GIVE DOUBLE THUMBS UP}

Graham: Hunters in Wisconsin may no longer be limited to bright orange for their "high visibility" wear and maybe be able to choose "blaze pink"...if the governor signs into law a bill designed to attract more women to the sport.

Cameron: Not entirely convinced that the gender imbalance in sport hunting is a result of high-vis colors.

Beej: {TO CAMERON} No, no. You see, a bright pink outfit will make women MUCH more receptive to killing woodland creatures.

Cameron: Now, to be fair, I've known several women who have enjoyed hunting and shooting and...blowing away woodland creatures was actually the attraction. It was the talk's masculinity that was the problem.

Beej: Well, good! We now have these bright pink outfits to make them easily identifiable.

Graham: If this goes ahead, Wisconsin would be the only state to allow "blaze pink". But Arkansas does permit "fluorescent chartreuse"

Cameron: Ah, chartreuse. Formerly named for a liqueur brewed by French monks, now better known as the color of "Mountain Dew".

Beej: I'm excited with the range of possibilities of all these new colors. I mean, now I could get a Gilly suit festooned in "electric brown".

Cameron: I guess we HAVE found a way to attract women AND Beej to hunting.

Graham: I know what I would wear if I went hunting...because there may be better sources for news but they don't have THIS hat...{DONS MULTI-COLORED WOOL "TOP-HAT" STYLE HAT}...which is PERFECT...for hunting...am I right? Huh? Ladies, right? Yeah. Beej?

Beej: {OFF-SCREEN} Oh...I'm, yeah,...all about that hat...

Graham: Yeah...{POINTS TO BEEJ}...see?

Beej: I know where I'd aim.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF BEEJ TALKING TO OTHERS}

Beej: I felt something on my back...heard your phone buzz...is that what happened?

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Maybe.

Cameron: {OFF-SCREEN} Oh, OK.

Beej: OK, and I conflated the two thinking my back had farted.