The Moose Sex Project Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump - The Moose Sex Project
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we are just the worst people at a wedding. I am that long distance cousin that nobody knows. Joining me this week is your bitter aunt,
Kathleen: {BITTERLY} You know, I was engaged once. To a cad!
Graham: and your creepy uncle.
Cam: {CREEPILY, AND SLIGHTLY DRUNKENLY} How old did you say you were? ...It's, it's not so bad.
Graham: And we've all RSVP'd plus two.
{TITLE: WE'VE ALL RSVP'D +2 AND WE'RE ALL GONNA DRINK YOUR WINE}
Graham: When you put a coffin up for sale on Craigslist as a man in Iowa did, it's a good idea to mention whether or not there is still a full skeleton inside.
Kathleen: I mean, uh, yeah. Uh, a skeleton adds like twenty, or thirty percent of the value at least. Bargain.
Cam: But offsetting that additional value is the cost of having the interior dry-cleaned.
Kathleen: Not necessarily! Sometimes people like that kind of thing.
Cam: I mean, you don't really want to bury somebody alone. ...This seems like a good idea.
Kathleen: Besides, the worst thing it could smell like? It's like the inside of a Arby's or something.
Cam: Ugh, now I want to be cremated, but I think that would only add to the problem.
Kathleen: {SNIFFING THE AIR} Somebody smell Arby's?
Graham: The coffin belonged to the Odd Fellows hall and they were selling it to try and raise money for property taxes. And they've had the coffin for years, and the skeleton's been in there the whole time. They use it as part of their ritual to represent death.
Kathleen: Okay. So if they've had this skeleton there for a long time, that must mean- Wait, whose skeleton is this? I hope this is a skeleton of a Mason who's really pissed off in the afterlife 'cos he's been drafted into some second-rate organization's secret ritual.
Graham: Near as the lodge records can figure, it's the skeleton of a doctor who died in the 1880's, who donated it to the lodge. Now donating them is fine, but you can't sell human remains without the proper paperwork.
Kathleen: The paperwork is just like a legal sheet of paper with "Aaaah, aaaah, there's a skeleton, aaaaaaaaaah!" written on it.
Cam: Are you really selling the human remains? It's more of an added bonus at this point, like the whistle in a crackerjack box.
What are they going to use to represent death during the rituals now?
Kathleen: I don't know. A drawing of a skeleton, a picture of the skeleton that he's just sold, a plastic skeleton, a "My First Skeleton" Odd Fellows initiation kit? You know, anything other than legitimate human remains.
Cam: Lacks a certain je ne sais quoi.
Graham: The nature conservancy of Canada has received a donation of 316 hectares of land on the border of Nova Scotia and New Brunswick to promote cross-border moose sex.
Cam: Wait. So before this, was there some federal agency that was dedicated to preventing horny moose from crossing borders? God, those guys must have been top notch.
Kathleen: I think that organization would actually be dedicated to getting its members mauled by horny moose.
Graham: This quote from one of the representatives I find funny because it includes one of my favorite geographical features: {READING FROM YELLOW-CASED IPAD} "It's tripled the land on the New Brunswick side. It's really accelerated our work on the isthmus."
Kathleen: {SINGING TO THE TUNE OF IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS} It's beginning to look a lot like isthmus/ If you're a horny moose/ Crossing the borders all day, and no more keeping the cows away/ From my big moose... shlong. Do do do do, shlong, shlong, shlong, shlong. {DANCING AND LAUGHING} It's beginning to look a lot like isthmus-
Graham: Are you a child growing up in Mississippi? Good news! Your state is no longer the worst place to be a child.
Kathleen: So... if I'm not a child in Mississippi? {THROWS FISTS IN THE AIR} Woohoo, I guess?
Wait, hold on, hold on. I'm not a child in Mississippi, therefore HA! {POINTS AT CAMERA} Suck it, Mississippi underprivileged children! Yeah!
Cam: Okay, I give up. Where's it worst to be a child than Mississippi?
Graham: I'm glad you asked. For the past twenty-four years, the Annie E. Casey Foundation has ranked, on the basis of sixteen different instigators of child welfare, where the best States to be a child are, and Mississippi has always placed fifty. But this year, they've LEAPT up to forty-ninth, knocking who down to the fiftieth spot?
Cam: The Barrow Downs.
Kathleen: My basement. That mole problem is finally out of hand.
Cam: My basement, where freezer space is finally coming to a premium.
Kathleen: That field where moose go to have sex in the summertime.
Cam: The caldera of an active volcano.
Kathleen: The caldera of an active volcano, on Mars.
Cam: The caldera of an active volcano where moose are having sex.
Kathleen: That possibly mythical pit where ET games are buried.
Graham: Close! New Mexico.
Kathleen: Hey, guess what? Remember last week when I completely made up something on the spot and then I was like "crap, now I have to keep to it"? Well, I did! Last week, I called for submissions to help Beej improve his pooping in a squirrel-free way.
{BRIEF SHOT OF LAST WEEK'S EPISODE SHOWING BEEJ (SUBTITLE: Previously/Out Of Focus)}
Beej: Um, I'm gonna have to find a new way to poop.
{BACK TO PRESENT EPISODE}
Kathleen: And I am pleased to announce, out of about thirty entries, I've picked a runner-up and a winner.
{READING FROM IPHONE} The runner-up is Owen Davy from Massatoosis, Usa. {SUBTITLE: Massatooshiss, Usa} He suggests "a hydraulic pump that attaches straight to the ass. The other end will act as a tail with a grate on it so poop can come out but no squirrel can come out. As an added bonus, you can use the end to shoot poop at enemies or friends or random people on the street. None shall be free from my poop-flinging vengeance."
But there could only be one winner, and that comes to us from Eric Jay from CaronaCa {SUBTITLE: CaronaCa} As inspired by RedGreen, he says "1. Find a five-gallon bucket and a toilet seat from the hardware store. {SUBTITLE: #1: Acquire bucket & seat} 2. Ensure both the bucket and the seat are squirrel-free. {SUBTITLE: #2: No squirrels} 3: Attach the seat to the bucket. {SUBTITLE: #3: Duct tape, presumably} 4. Let Beej {AIR-QUOTES} "Beejoom" into the bucket. {SUBTITLE: #4: lolol poops} And 5. Empty bucket onto the lawn of your most hated enemy or onto squirrels themselves. {SUBTITLE: #5: Share the love} 6. Profit!" {MUGS} {SUBTITLE: #6: South Park reference} Thanks, Eric. That was great. What really pushed it over the top was the revenge aspect.
Graham: Good news, everyone. Twinkies are coming back!
{SHOT OF CAM AND KATHLEEN ON THE COUCH}
Cam and Kathleen: {THROW SHRUGS} Whooooo cares?
Cam: I didn't even notice they were gone.
Graham: Neither did I, but I for one welcome the return of our... weirdly moist, cream-filled overlords. {PAUSES} What's the opposite of welcome? Anyway, until next time, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON COONSKIN CAP, ADJUSTS IT} this hat. Which, you know, I think is gonna be the in fashion this summer. I can just see myself, walking down the street, in Calais, Venice Beach. {ADJUST CAP SO THE TAIL'S ON SIDEWAYS} Sideways coonskin cap. {NODS} Ladies.
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Kathleen: Also lacks a certain je ne sais AAAAAAH, A SKELETON!
